5 Tips for a Mindful Marriage
And another guest post!!
5 Tips for a Mindful Marriage
Guest Blogger: Jessica Stilling is a freelance journalist who also writes on schooling online as well as taking classes online
So you still remember when the thought of that white dress made joyful butterflies bounce inside your stomach. You can still recall when dinner and a movie was the most passionate date on earth, but now, things are winding down. That honeymoon phase, the part before the kids became stressful and the job stepped in to take its proper place within the marriage, is coming to a close. This is a good thing, you’re not going to be living in fantasy love land forever and reality love land is just as enjoyable if you understand that reality love land is a different place from fantasy. Here are some tips to keep in mind as you exit that honeymoon phase and move on to the jobs and kids and school schedule phase of your journey together. I promise it will be just as good, if not better.
- Take time to communicate. When you and your spouse are standing across the great divide that is your kitchen in the morning, take a few seconds to discuss each other’s days, plan your schedules, see what the other might want to grab for dinner or watch on TV. You don’t have to be planning a romantic night out or discussing all the problems of the world to catch a few moments of couple time.
- Take time for yourself. Being a spouse and parent, an employee and a friend, or any of the other countless hats you wear, is going to take its toll. You have to learn to take time for yourself, even if it’s fifteen minutes after you get home from work before you start planning dinner. Take some time to reflect on your day on your own, this way you’ll be less stressed and more willing to deal with your family’s issues and your spouse’s needs.
- Take time for your spouse. Just like you should take time for yourself, you should take time for your spouse as well. Ask him how his day was, see if he wants to make any interesting plans. Let your spouse know that you’re listening, because it’s only when you’re truly listening that he’ll be willing to open up.
- Take time to cherish your family. Just like you need alone time and time with your spouse, your family will also bring you closer. Take time to watch the kids play on their floor if they’re very young, or go to your son’s basketball game together and have ice cream afterwards. This is the reason you’re together, this is what makes your life happy and so take time together to cherish it.
- Take time to understand and appreciate each other’s uniqueness. You did not marry a clone of yourself, in fact if you had, you’d probably not get along very well. Your spouse has a unique self, a self that you fell in love with because he was not like any of the other people that you’d ever known. Take time to cherish and understand that uniqueness. Also, allow your partner to see and understand the uniqueness in you. Sometimes as that honeymoon phase ends and life becomes life, we forget all the wonderful reasons we’re together, the reasons that are still prevalent if we take the time to see them.
One thread moves throughout these suggestions, time. Sometimes as life throws us curveballs and that job starts to take up more of our time, we forget to make time for the things that are really important. We forget to see the family that is right in front of us, or the husband who is also lover and confident and friend. It’s when we move through life, getting things done for the sake of getting them done, that we miss out on so much. That is why the key to a mindful marriage is making time for the marriage.
Striking a Balance Between Being a Wife and a Student
Today, I would like to share a guest post that I thought would apply to you, my dear readers :)) I hope you enjoy it as much as I did :)
Striking Balance Between Being A Wife and A Student
Author Bio – Shayla Ebsen is a professional freelance writer specializing in online media. Before becoming a full-time freelancer, she worked as a radiology technician and also spent a stint as a sonogram tech
Attending college is one of the best things you can do to advance your career, earn a higher income, and increase your self-esteem. Because of these benefits, women are beginning to dominate the college scene.
However, many women attending college are met with the unique challenge of striking a balance between being wives and students. This is a tough challenge to overcome for many female students who feel pressured to uphold the traditional requirement that wives are meant to put the needs of their loved ones before their own life goals. Having felt this pressure during my time as a wife and student, I’d like to share the unique challenges I faced to help increase the chances of your success in this venture.
Addressing Competition
A major challenge many wives face when attending college is competition with their husbands. Although many men show support for gender equality, some husbands feel threatened when their wives attend college to earn a higher degree than them. This can lead to household tension and even resentment between spouses.
One option to avoid this tension is to speak with your spouse regarding your decision to attend college before you begin classes. Express how important their support of this decision is to you and explain your reasons for pursuing the degree. It can’t hurt to also occasionally stroke their ego by saying how much you appreciate them and how proud they make you feel. However, be prepared at some point in the future for your husband to express interest in also returning to college as this regularly occurs.
Keeping up with Household Chores
Although household roles are changing, many wives still tend to such duties as laundry and dinner preparation. If you’re currently tending to most of the household chores, changes to the schedule should be made before you begin classes.
It’s very easy to become overwhelmed between household and school duties when attending college. As such, by asking your husband for assistance before classes start, you can avoid most of the stress. Another perk of this new household schedule is it may continue even after you’ve earned the degree.
Scheduling Family Time
Although earning a college degree may be extremely important to you, it’s also important to find time for family between homework assignments. If you’re spending every spare minute studying or working on group projects for classes, your husband will begin resenting the degree you’re trying to earn.
Try creating a weekly schedule of when you’ll study and when you’ll make time for family to avoid becoming consumed by class work. You can make this a personal schedule rather than sharing it with your husband to at least give the sense that you’re still being spontaneous rather than accounting for every minute of your time.
Striking a balance between being a wife and a student can, at times, be very difficult. However, if you remain true to your life goals and overcome the challenges are they arise, you’ll navigate through the stress and arrive as a stronger person on graduation day.
Best
I had a long and thoughtful post typed out for you on the touch screen of my ipod while laying in bed under cozy sheets. And the battery died and I lost the whole thing. I guess the universe wanted to devour it and keep it all to itself — it really was that good ;)) So, now, you will have to settle for my whole-hearted attempt to recapture the already processed and pretty well-digested thoughts (they went down so smoothly).
Best. My last post was about feeling like my best wasn’t good enough. Well, today I have decided to exit myself from the tyrany of “best” altogether.
Guess what – my “good”, my “bad”, and my “ugly” are enough, too. I come inherently validated and justified. I don’t need to earn it. The rein of me as an over-achiever has come to an end.
And my house is good enough when it is “good”, “bad”, or “ugly”, too. I don’t need to give in to my OCD or the perfectionist anxiety that swells inside an insecure me who didn’t know true acceptance or self-love, who thought it came in a package of hard work (and was probably counter-productive).
And I’m not going to hold myself or others up to a “best” standard either. Everyone can clean, interact, and grow in whatever ways their self-formulated truths see fit. I’m going to take a moment to laugh at that last sentence. Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaa. Of COURSE they can. It just took me a moment to realize that everyone was already doing that, and I suddenly realized that no one needs a boss.
In fact, as it turns out, the “best” way for me to love myself and others and to be joyful and substantial in life is not through working toward perfection, but through being mediocre (bye-bye, over-achiever), and I look forward to holding myself and my children up to that standard, so I can revel in their mishaps and laugh with them in the face of bold imperfection.
I no longer subscribe to an objective “best” way of parenting, for myself or for others, and I am taking moments of silence as I remember all the possible connections that died before they lived because I was lost in dogma, because I thought I knew something about their life that they didn’t, because I was consumed by guilt or fear of it (for myself and for you), and forcing something inside from the out and therefor limiting my own choices. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me for my imperfection, for my learning, for my insecure loving <3
I value the Mother Nature model, and it is going to take some time for me to deconstruct this massive building I have constructed upon this tiny assumption that Her way is “best”. It was constructed one website, one book, one conversation at a time. I know that I make the choice to live by Her model because it resonates for me (not because I have to, not because if I don’t…), and I wish you just as much peace in whatever model feels right to you <3
I can’t know for sure which one is “best”, and it sure has been a quest finding the “proof” to back my truth up. I don’t need that anymore, because I don’t have to prove anything. I’m not a missionary, and I’m not seeking to convert. I’m just a person following my insides and loving your’s. Besides, it doesn’t matter to me, because I have set “best” free – it was way too exhausting to try to keep up with, and it is a barrier to what I truly value, which is pure connection with all the real life on this earth, in every state of it’s existence and step on it’s path.
I appologize for every inorganic judgment I felt against mamas who made a choice that fit for their life and I thought it wasn’t “best”, or (it’s brother) I thought they could do “better”. Who am I? Obviously, I have never walked a day in your shoes, and if I had ever truly seen into your life, I would know that the choice you made fit seemlessly into YOUR life. I wish I had remembered that although I know I am capable of anything, I have learned that some things would drain me and therefor cannot be prioretized — I wish I had more completely applied this understanding to you. Who am I? I have no clue what your journey is all about.
I forgive myself for being so hard on me for not living as green as I hope to someday. I hope you will forgive me for being unwantingly judgmental of your “assisted” birth, of not breastfeeding, of not parenting in the way that depletes me and often incompacitates me and regularly has me stressed out about how I handled something. (How could you not want that for yourself? LOL) I no longer believe that there is an objectively “best” way to birth or nourish one’s child or guide one’s child through life. And I’m not interested in information or opinions that “best”monger.
What I am interested in is dancing with you, at your house or mine, laughing a lot, feeling anger swell inside me until my limbs tickle and then feeling it whoosh out (without judgment), skipping down my own path of life, going back to see if I missed something, taking a looooooong time to study the designs in stones, smelling roses, sprinting forward when I am feeling an inspired gush of energy, celebrating the seasons and moon phases and sun rising and setting, savoring the smell of clean laundry and sleeping babies and the sound of happily-squealing children…. Oh, I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. I have a big happy life to live, plenty full of stuff I want to enjoy and experience. That should keep me busy for a long time :)))
Good Enough
I have this drive inside me for personal growth and betterment. I used to call it self-improvement, but my understanding has changed, so my language has, too.
One of the reasons I am a single mama is because I have yet to find a man who can keep up with me, with my personal growth and change. And now, I am seeing it in my relationship with my oldest daughter… I am wanting her to grow and change in ways so we can be happier. It’s nothing personal, Love — Mama just has a case of the “good enoughs”.
I have been realizing for the last 6 months that I feel like my best isn’t good enough for a lot of people in my life. This first hit me hard, loud, and screaming when I was moving out of the house we lived in before this one. That whole living experience was a case of the “my best isn’t good enoughs”, which I have never felt about my ability to clean and care for a home before. But I have felt it in other areas of my life. I was the student who got 4 A’s and 1 B and spent the break thinking about what I wish I had done to make that B an A.
Now that I am not going to school or working, the good enoughs are attacking my new job (parenting and home-making) and lifestyle (green living, whole and organic eating, etc.).
How can I possibly be comfortable in my relationships with others if I am not comfortable in my relationship with myself?
So, I have decided that I am going to intentionally look for the nows, the presents, the current states of things, and appreciate them for the perfectness that they bring to my life.
When I was talking (typing) with my friend, Laura, she shared this:
I used to really be a soul searcher and I think it almost stifled my living. I spent so much time searching and trying to change me and my loved ones that I missed the real time with them and myself. I am all for growth, but not a forced one. Not a searched out one. A natural one. One that happens because we are living and changing, not because we are reading others’ words and have decided we want to be different.
Sometimes, she nails it for me in ways it would take MUCH longer for me to express! Haha :))
I have been forcing growth, as far back as I can remember on this “self improvement” journey. Before that, when I was a kid… I just was (correct tense of “be”). Not a care in the world. Was oblivious to the things people probably saw as my imperfections. I think there was also some learned helplessness in there, and something happened to show me that I could have power and control over change, and I could design my own life. It has been an awesome journey.
I think of that quote about being happy with where you are or you will never be happy somewhere else. I wonder if that is the case, or if I truly just found my destination. Where I am right now, I feel like I could live happily forever. I really didn’t feel like that in a lot of my past. Where I am right now is so special to me. I love it, and I want to savor it. It is definitely good enough.
What about those spots that aren’t so close to my current ideals, though? Those spots, like my obviously imperfect front teeth? What about my house on days like today, when I feel like I’m drowning in the mess? What about my embarrassingly dirty van? What about my finances? All these things that leave me uncomfortable. I can feel the anxiety swelling up when I think of them. Instead I brush their cheek, kiss them, and assure them that they are good enough as they are, that they may grow and they may change in time, but for now, they are good enough just as they are. And they don’t have to give their best to be good enough. They are enough at whatever level of effort (or not) that they feel inspired to give.
Speaking of feeling inspired, I am going to tease you a bit and share that I have been working on something big. And I mean BIG-big. It should be ready to go in a week or so, and I am SO excited to come share it with you :)) I don’t know if I will be able to keep from sharing, because I was never good at that. I am the mom who lets my kids open their presents whenever they want to, because we can’t stand the anticipation together :)) The ONLY thing that will ensure some level of keeping it private is that I don’t want to confuse people when I make a necessary and monetary (hence, waiting for the 1st) change. It’s not good enough ROFL
Happy living :D
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I’m not anti-growth. I just want it to be more from within <3 |
Nike. Just do it.
I remember reading this ad when it first came out (almost 20 years ago). I just read tonight that it changed the lives of millions. I remember it touched my soul. I remember saving the pages and reading them so often that I almost had them memorized, or maybe I did. As I read them tonight for the first time since then, I laughed as I remembered each dip and dive, like dancing a routine I hadn’t done in years. Like the blogger who’s blog I found this on shares, it was like being reunited with an old friend. I am going to print it out and give it to my daughter. I think she is the same age I was when I first read it… Enjoy, with love, clarity, and strength <3
You were born a daughter.
You looked up to your mother.
You looked up to your father.
You looked up at everyone.
You wanted to be a princess.
You thought you were a princess.
You wanted to own a horse.
You wanted to be a horse.
You wanted your brother to be a horse.
You wanted to wear pink.
You never wanted to wear pink.
You wanted to be a Veterinarian.
You wanted to be President.
You wanted to be the President’s Veterinarian.
You were picked last for the team.
You were the best one on the team.
You refused to be on the team.
You wanted to be good in algebra.
You hid during algebra.
You wanted the boys to notice you.
You were afraid the boys would notice you.
You started to get acne.
You started to get breasts.
You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts.
You wouldn’t wear a bra.
You couldn’t wait to wear a bra.
You couldn’t fit into a bra.
You didn’t like the way you looked.
You didn’t like the way your parents looked.
You didn’t want to grow up.
You had your first best friend.
You had your first date.
You had your second best friend.
You had your second first date.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You got kissed.
You got to kiss back.
You went to the prom.
You didn’t go to the prom.
You went to the prom with the wrong person.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You fell in love.
You fell in love.
You fell in love.
You lost your best friend.
You lost your other best friend.
You really fell in love.
You became a steady girlfriend.
You became a significant other.
YOU BECAME SIGNIFICANT TO YOURSELF.
Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of. And you know when it’s time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete.
Because you know it’s never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one.
JUST DO IT
Welcome, Spring!
Today, I feel the freshness of new birth, of life, of warmth.
I celebrate the life in my life (my growing children, my changing home, my living puppy, my sun-worshipping cats, my verdant plants).
I organize the plans to make the most out of this spring with a garden (to take a load off of our grocery budget), and to create a child & puppy friendly backyard for all of my children (maybe I will create a special sun-basking spot for the cats, too!).
I started off this beautiful spring reviving the life of a friendship that has been resting during the winter <3 We sat in the sun catching up and eating cake for hours today, and I got my first sunburn for the summer (yay!). My other Scottish friends have the same experience of having to get that first burn that settles into a tan for the rest of the bright sunny days of the year :)
Something inside me must have known today was spring before I was reminded via a facebook friend’s status. A long delicious shower just sounded so good this morning (even though I am a night-time showerer), and then I decided to cut my hair short again. 6 years ago, my hair touched my butt, and it was blond… Alright, here is a picture.
Well, the blond damaged my hair, and a couple years after this picture was taken, in an attempt to cut off the damaged hair, I ended up with basically this:
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A few months after my first short hair cut, so shaped differently, but you can see how short I went) |
I went through phases where I was trying to grow it out again. Here it was a few weeks ago:
Me and my neice, Leilani <3 |
But, really, I love it short. So, today I decided to go short again… Well, I accidently went too short!
Before some chapstick, plucked eyebrows, and coffee! |
So, today has been a day of finding fun ways to wrap my hair up (until it is the length I want, hopefully in time for summer)!
Scrap purple batik fabric |
Braided strips of scrap batik fabrics and a few inches of elastic |
A scrap from the curtains I made! |
Another angle — gotta get all those batik fabric prints in the pics :)) |
I am excited about the hair adornments :)) And I am hoping that my poor shocked hair relaxes into a curl again (lol). More hair pics to come in the following weeks, I am sure :)
Untangles
I have been untangling some very foundational stuff recently, in light of my realizations over the last week concerning seeing my own issues for what they are.
I am scared other people (and myself) won’t have enough information at a time in their life to make a decision they won’t regret. How many times in my life have I found out about something and wished I had known it all along? But, now, I am wondering if I was REALLY that bad off before I found it anyway. I mean, gosh, we have always lived to be happy, and sure there was struggle, but do I REALLY regret it? Mostly no — a couple occasions I do regret, but they have less to do with not having information, and more to do with not listening to my screaming insides and finding a way to follow them instead of going through with what I knew was wrong.
Realizing that it is less about information and more about enjoying the dance of living for what it is liberates me from being the info pack rat that I used to very much be. It also helps me to find a better connection with people. I don’t have to hold a space of worry for them. I can truly appreciate their journey for exactly what it is and not flood it with my own stuff. I don’t have to worry about their ability to make choices for their lives. I can trust their journey. Those are amazing things to do for people, but they are amazing things to do even more fully for myself, too <3
This goes along with my feelings concerning listening to myself more than listening to “experts”, as if I or my kids need them to be happy. Reminds me of a Byron Katie quote that goes something like, “If happiness were dependent on external factors, there would be no such thing as happiness.” I am so blessed to know that I am happy regardless, partly because I follow my bliss :))
Because I Wanna
I have been having this amazingly liberating relationship “decluttering” over the past several days with my sister, and today we finally reached a point where we were stripped down to just love and apology. It reminded me of this quote by Marilyn Monroe, “Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together.” We finally hit mutually agreed upon rubble, and it was palpable relief for me! I posted about some of the stuff that has been coming up for me yesterday, but I wanted to share what the bottom line for me came down to: judgment.
I have been trying for a long time to work on not being judgmental. I thought I was pretty good at accepting people’s choices for their lives, but some things still came up and I had to really work on not being judgmental about them. I didn’t want to feel this way — consciously, I wanted to love and accept everyone because I know in my head that we are all doing our best to paint, regardless of whether I liked the picture or not. Ideally, I want to feel like this.
Today, I had the “ah ha” moment that is helping me to difuse judgment at its root…
I realized that if I had a problem with some choice someone is making for their life, it’s because there is a problem in my own life in that area — I mean, if I was at peace with somethhing, why would I care if someone chose something different? Then I realized that when I feel like my choice in that area was taken away, I feel a problem with someone making a choice I never got to really make.
Sometimes I decided I didn’t have a choice because my head read or my heart felt that that something was best, so I couldn’t make the choice to do any less than the best. Sometimes I was just plain petrified of something, so there was no choice in the matter. Sometimes, I was punished as a kid for doing something by my parents or my friends (like being bossy or showing anger), so I can’t find peace with my kids making those choices.
Once I locate that place where my choice was taken away, I give myself the choice to do either, or I realize that I would have just chosen this choice anyway, and it diffuses. Sometimes, it is takes more digging and exploring. I just realized this today, and it’s still new and raw, but it feels like a huge ah-ha moment, and I wanted to share it with you in it’s earliest stages.
I look forward to developing this a bit and hearing what you have to share about it…
Another part of this is that I have been super sensitive to feeling judged by others, and now I can understand when something truly is them and not me. I have friends who are married, who are Christian, who had c-sections — not of them were judgmental about me making different choices. It’s not just about making different choices, it’s about making choices. I make choices because I wanna.
Life
Life is a big thing, isn’t it? I mean, it’s full of so much diversity — I am in awe when I try to fathom the breadths and depths of the diversity of life. Life is full of ecstatic highs and dark mucky lows, and it usually follows a cycle that goes something like “birth, living, death, rebirth.” This week has been a lot of that…
On Sunday of last week, I realized that my female puppy was sick, so I lined up some financial assistance for a vet visit and brought her in. That vet was painfully unhelpful, and I left more of a mess than when I had gotten there. So, I went to another vet, who seemed more capable of answering my questions and easing my anxiety about the whole thing. Both vets assuring me that it was serious but (although they couldn’t guarantee anything) she wouldn’t die in the morning, before I was able to come back for treatment. I knew she was so sick, and it broke my heart.
The next morning, she was indeed dead <3 Maybe some people won’t get how this impacted me, but I had loved them as much as any baby of mine. I was plagued with all the doubt and guilt and pain any mama would be. I raced my boy puppy into the vet (in place of his sister) and found out they had parvo. The vet was so very grave to tell me this. I’d researched it before when we thought that our female had it right after we had gotten her, so I knew a bit, but I wasn’t aware of the statistics that the vet shared with me: parvovirus is so serious that only 80% of dogs treated at the hospital made it, and a devastating 15% made it through home treatment.
Well, I knew he would make it. I saw him in our lives for a long time, so I was sure he was going to pull through, but I was afraid of how much pain he would suffer through and how much it would require from me. Today is Sunday, again, and he has started eating today (hasn’t eaten in 3 or 4 days), stopped tossing liquids back up yesterday, and has found a renewed interest in chasing the cats. We made it. Still recovering, but we made it <3
I mourned my girl for a couple days, crying buckets at the drop of a dime, but it got drowned out in the caring for Kai. The only one who misses her more than me is him. In fact, I could barely assess his state because he is so depressed about losing his sister. He was there for every minute. He knows how she was taken from us. I’ve processed so much of the guilt and sadness, and I feel just grateful for how she blessed our lives by gracing us with her presence for the short 4 months that we had her. Her death has spurred some rebirth in our lives, birth of renewed appreciation for Kai, birth of revisiting how I feel about vaccinations for my pets and other safety and quality of life stuff, birth of being reminded of how grateful we are for life and for living.
In addition to fighting for life with my puppy, I found myself fighting with a family member who I have always wanted to be close with but felt so much anxiety concerning. We have a long history (family – duh! lol), so there was a lot for me to revisit. It was such an amazing opportunity for self-reflection and practicing being true to me. Every scathing detail was exquisitely delicious, as I learned that I am more confident in myself than ever before and that nothing that could be said by said family member could harm my tender innards. There were more amazing lessons than I could remember (processed and integrated!) or express (without boring you to pieces). We will just say that some of my deepest fears of life bounced off of me like rubber bullets :) In fact, so much of the negative judgments that I once held about myself and am aware from others, I am now able to embrace and see as a success :))
For example, what once felt slightly like I fail at romantic relationships, I now see as my success at holding together a rich and loving relationship while I could and being healthy enough to let it go when the time came for it. The fact that me and my last love still talk almost every day and can process things that come up together along the way tells me that I am very good at having healthy relationships :)) Go me! lol There were many other things that came up for me and for my beloved family member that had this same kind of “ah ha!” inspiring impact on me. It has left me on a total life high for a couple days now :)))))
Unclogging blockage in my life is liberating beyond words. I no longer have all that old stuff pooling and festering inside me in regards to this relationship, old outdated things that are irrelevant to this life that I have personally designed. Who knows what this relationship may be from this day forward, but I am excited to say in the very least it will be real and it will be present. Also, it inspires me in my ability to revisit some estrangement between my mom and I.
In the course of my deep and mucky week, Mother Earth decided to manifest her own deep and mucky growth. My heart goes out to Japan right now. I’ve missed most of the details, but I wanted to share something I read back when Australia had some serious flooding in January. It shifted my perspective on these kinds of things and on life in general. It was written by Wild Women on facebook, and I hope it helps you find peace and healing, too <3
“Birthing Woman. Waters break, gushing everywhere. Mess. Pain. Transition sets in. Out of control. Panic. Will I survive? Howling agony, please let this be over. The birth. Joy above joys. Relief! Time to clean up. Celebrate. Could it be the Mother is birthing? They called the Lockyear Valley flood an inland tsunami. …It feels like S…he is birthing and we are her midwives, whispering support, offering love and tender care. The birth was tough. And now the clean up. What is she birthing? Perhaps deeper heart connection between human beings, an opportunity to rebuild with ‘environmentally friendly’ as the key word, different approaches to building and farming. A clean start. We will gain more understanding as time passes what the bigger picture is. Meantime, for those caught in Her wake, those affected by her labour, we offer our tears. She is not revengeful, mean or unjust, just when we stand in her path we become part of Her journey.”
Dearest Abby
In the midst of my crazy life (a post for another day), I am reminded that your comments inspire me and stretch me.
My dear sweet seemingly-new reader, who for art thou? Do I know you elsewhere as a different name? How did I come to be so blessed to have you grace your presence here? Will you tell me how I can connect more with you? (When I click on the link of your name, it says that you have a privacy option or something) You are so mysterious :)
I would love to learn more about you. How else can I find you online (your own blog, etc)?
Looking forward to connecting with you in new and exciting ways :))
Been Living
So, since I am not using Facebook for sharing my posts and life with loved ones via internet, I am going to do a little update here :)) Here are some pics and updates on the living we have been doing recently :)
some gifts I brought her, wrapped in fabric with ribbon strips leftover from my curtains — yay for recycling! |
My first patchwork blanket I made for my neice :) |
When did my daughte become the gorgeous young woman in this pic? I still remember when she was my neice’s age <3 |
Najaia loves being a girl in this family, too :)) |
My sister and I with our children and our dad <3 |
Proud Papa and his grandchildren <3 |
My motley crew :)) |
I adore my baby sister <3 |
My beautiful sister and her adorable pride and joy :)) |
Wearing her sister’s hat :)) |
4 Years: Ode to Noble
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hours after his birth — hence the date saying 3-6-07 |
My son turned 4 today.
4 years ago (4 minutes before I started writing this), I gave birth to him…
His was a wild birth. He was almost born in a bathtub :) After having had Jai at home, I sometimes wish I’d just had him in the bathtub :)) When I had been in labor with Kassidy, I had been sent home from the hospital 2 times because it was “inactive” labor, so I was determined to not get to the birth center too soon with Noble. I had been told by a midwife in the morning to just go about life as usual and call back when my contractions were consistent. They never got consistent.
But a wise dear friend of mine heard me having long close-together contractions on the phone (as I was on my way down to the bathtub) and raced over, even though I had insisted that they weren’t consistent and so I couldn’t be close enough for concern. I walked down to the bathtub (our’s was out-of-service, so we had to use one in an abandoned apartment for the week before the birth), and I climbed in, and I was suddenly in excruciating pain. I thought the pain was too bad to bear and I may end up needing an epidural (something I hadn’t used or even wanted with Kass) — now, I know I was in transition (between labor and pushing).
I was in tears at that point with pain. I was trying to climb out of the tub, when my friend and my son’s dad came into the apartment. We gathered up the kids and bags of pre-packed stuff, and headed down for the 30-45 minute drive. On the way down in my friend’s brand new Yukon, I felt the urgency to be where I needed to be. I kept urging her to drive faster. We called a couple people on the drive down. I was really feeling urgency.
Meanwhile, my mom was racing across the county, from the low desert, up the grade, across the country-side, and deep into the city.
We got to the hospital-based birth center, and my water broke about 5 minutes after climbing into the wheelchair (SO glad it didn’t bust in my friend’s new Yukon!). As it turns out, that was a popular time for birthing. The birth center was full and I was going to have to birth in the hospital with midwives (I was VERY unhappy about that fact, especially because I had planned to have Kassidy at that birth center almost 8 years before, but they had lost their lease and I ended up in a hospital). I was feeling the urge to push, and I kept telling the nurse who was escorting us around. Then we got down to the hospital floors and they said they were full, too, and I was going to have to birth in the ER! That is when the nurse called upstairs and pulled some strings.
We went back upstairs and got me into the queen-sized bed, I had 1 contraction on the bed, and it was time to push. And Noble was born in 15 minutes. It was an excruciatingly painful birth because of the stress, and it still makes me angry to know how unnecessary it all was — I started off beautifully laboring alone in birthland, and ended up wanting to curse people out for being so nice when they were torturing me. It was what spurred my unassisted birth 2 1/2 years later (to the day) — knowing I could just do me without needing permission or being messed with.
My mom showed up about 15 minutes after Noble was born, making a record-breaking 2 hour trip in about an hour! She tells a story about a gigantic moon in the sky as she was driving, and she knew Noble was on his way. (Interestingly, all 3 of my children’s births occur the day after the full moon.)
After his birth, I was in a baby haze, surrounded by friends and family. My best friend, Karina, had raced down for the birth, too :))
He helps me to remember to slow down, because he likes things slow and simple. He isn’t a big fan of big crowds and lots of stuff. Today, he just wanted to connect with a few special people and play with a couple new toys. This year was the first year he enjoyed everyone singing happy birthday to him. I feel him coming out of his shell — sometimes, in fact, I forget that he was painfully shy until just after his second birthday. Now, he is playful and friendly and adventurous. He is sensitive to people and situations. He loves sneaking up on us (while I am asking Kassidy what those sounds are that we are hearing), and he loves being a lion, and he loves his action figures, animals, dragons, and dinosaurs. He loves to play alone or with a few friends. He is so easy going. He is such a joy.
Today, he is taller — he looked in the mirror and noticed he is as tall as a 4-year-old and was surprised that his clothes fit his 4-year-old body. He was so proud to be 4. A few short weeks ago, he didn’t want to turn 4 — he wanted to stay 3. I told him he could stay 3 as long as he wanted to. Today, he was ready to be 4. I’m in tears right now. I love him so much. I am SO.IN.LOVE with this boy <3
Happy birthday, my sweet golden boy <3
The Joy of Following My Flow
Before I write about the joy of flow, or what following my flow looks like, I wanted to share what me resisting the flow feels like. I’ve been doing a lot of it for a long time.
Enjoy following the joy of your flow :)
I Just Wanna Celebrate
Yesterday was my birthday. Birthdays have never meant more to me than after the freebirth of my youngest. Now, I want to really truly celebrate the birth, for the person and the mother who birthed them.
As a side note, have I mentioned my new birthday party plans? When we get invited to a child’s birthday party, I plan to give the gift in an attractive reusable grocery bag (instead of wrapping paper or a gift bag — why are those like $5 a pop and a reusable gift bag is a buck, anyway???), and I give the mom a card and the child a card :)
Birthdays are even more than just a celebration of the actual birth, though, too, right? For me, it is an opportunity to reflect on the years before and the years (or, specifically, the year) to come. What have I done? What do I want to do? What do I want to be thinking about when I sit here next year reflecting? Birthdays are a new years day of sorts :)) Where have I been? Where am I at? Where do I want to go?
Yesterday was a mostly average day full of special magic, as I spent the day wondering if I wanted to be [insert daily task] into my next year of living.
I decided that I wanted to bring this new simplified, organizied, and beautified life into my next year. It is completely organic, coming from the inside out, following my bliss, going with my flow, self-guided living and learning and all :)) I definitely want more of that in my next year!
And a couple of amazing coincidences happened yesterday as well… I happened to have decided the day before that I was done with coffee — I had been using it for liquid energy throughout the day, but I didn’t really feel good about my actual drinking coffee, and I am a strong believer of natural energy, self-perpetuating energy.
The other amazing coincidence that happened is that my dad and his wonderful amazing wife who I adore (who moved to Panama July of last year) happened to not only be in the States but were down in my neck of the woods yesterday, so they stopped by my place, and I got to spend the day enjoying their company and cherishing the connection that my dad and my son cultivated all day through playing and being silly together. DEFINITELY want more of that in the new year <3
What about me? I got clear on a couple things about my direction of self in this new year.
I don’t want to be so serious. There, really, is nothing in my life serious enough to be so serious about, and if something serious were to happen, the best thing I could do is not be so serious about it (Seriously? How many more times could I put the word serious in there? lol). My seriousness comes from fear, and I don’t need to have that. I have faith in me, in our path, and in the universe (pronoia: a fundamental belief that the universe is conspiring in my favor). My seriousness is a kindly indicator that there is fear in there about something, and I welcome the opportunity to unpack it a bit and realign it with current trust :)) I want to laugh when my child spills something and watch while my child makes a mess and comfort when my child is upset — not race to fix everything :) The best way I have found to do this is to be grateful. Simply grateful. If I am about to get upset that my son spilled his grape juice on the couch, I find gratitude that I have a couch, he has juice, and I have a him! Once I am grateful, the rest flows from a good place and so is only good (“good” — another post for the future, I guess!). Last night, I was SUPER tired, but my son really wanted to stay up and watch Netflix. Now, you may not know this about me, but I am an absolute bear when I am hungry or tired — I have a one-track mind and I lash out at anything that gets in it’s way. So, I just thought about ow grateful I was to have a son, to not have a schedule that demanded I would wake up without getting enough sleep, grateful that we lived a life of self-guided learning so my son could learn from all of this, grateful for the opportunity to practice being the not-serious mama, grateful for a son who I knew would be receptive to my need for sleep when he felt me being receptive to his need for more TV… and then we agreed to watch one show, and when that one show wanted to turn into more shows, I asked if he could watch it in the bedroom on my laptop while I slept, and he agreed. A night of joy, instead of forced, crying, sleeping boy <3
I want to follow my flow, wherever it takes me. I plan to write a whole post on this, so I will just simply say for now that regardless of if its “good” or “bad”, I just want to follow my flow, enjoy my joy. This is rooted in self-trust: what I want is what is best for me. Currently, I am SO in the goddess groove! I have been devouring this site and reflecting SO much on myself. I know, I said I was going to stop reading other people’s stuff and find my own way — and I have been! (I’m happy to report that last bit, hence the exclamation mark) I have found that when I limit the amount of stuff that I am reading and read really slow, that I am able to firmly ground myself in my truths and see where this new information fits into my path (not the other way around). It has been awesome — the realization that I can still read other people’s stuff, and what I have gleaned from it. I figure (going with “following my flow” and all) that if I am interested in it, it has something in it that I want more of in my life, so I determine what that is and grow it in my life :)) It’s so exciting!
I like the new year’s theme so far: self trust and following the good stuff.
I am partial to 3s — I think they make a big-picture well-rounded and thoughtful, so I am going to say that my third theme for this year is continuing with my past’s path. I have so much wonderfulness from my past and present that I am grateful for. I have these wonderful family living philosophies (radical unschooling and consensual living), and I have this amazing beautiful path that I have built behind me of experiences and self-reflections that are paving the way into the future. What a blessed life I have lived and will live and am living.