Powerful Birth
Hello, Love <3
Did I ever tell you that I had an unassisted/free birth with my baby?
Yep! Just me and my dear friend and our babies in attendance… It was possibly the most empowering experience of my life. It impacted me so deeply that I am still feeling the ripples.
Birth is HUGE to me, and I am so grateful to find my niche in the birth advocacy arena :) After the roughly 1,000 hours of researching pregnancy and birth information during my pregnancy, I had synthesized the most pertinent information and compiled it into a “summary” for friends and family interested in my choice (only to plug it into Word and find out it was a light read of 32 pages of pure words – ouch!).
I have taken a lot of that information, added my own voice, supplemented it with gobs of delicious goodies and an artful background, broken it into 4 deeply satisfying chunks, sprinkled it with even more delicious goodies, and created for you…
Powerful Birth E-course!
First session July 1st – July 28th
Registration ends July 1st
NOTE: This e-course has information for mamas interested in or planning an unassisted birth, but this e-course wass designed for any birthing woman who is interested in going inward and making intentional choices about her pregnancy and birth. And this e-course is especially designed for wild sacred women, women who already live out-of-the-box, naturally, self-sufficiently — and the women who want to!
The e-course includes:
- The Wild Sacred Birth e-book (in pdf format) is a hand-meets-digital beauty masterpiece, paradigm kapow!, and soul comfort. Warning: it may make you laugh, cry, sing, do the “funky chicken”, yell “YES!” into empty rooms, and have deep loving conversations with loved ones. I just know you are going to want to read it again and again as you deeply process the layers of your journey of childbirth.
- the handbook (in pdf format) is my own collection of ma multitude of our birthing sisters’ voices sharing one common message: Birth is incredible and powerful, and so are you.
- the workbook (in pdf & doc formats) is like yoga for the pregnant heart – it will stretch, align, open you up, and re-energize you, through creative activity ideas and writing prompts galore.
- 4 hefty soul-delicious chunks of Powerful Birth e-course, dolloped heavily with love, sweetness, and bright shining light. This course is designed to run over the course of 4 weeks, but I know sometimes that deep stuff takes time to really soak in and I am an unschooler to the core, so really it can be done at a self pace. It is taught via forum (see below) and is much much more than just the e-book broken up into pieces — it is jam-packed with extra goodies, like birth sisters to share such a transformative experience with <3
- 1 year paid subscription to Wild Sacred Souls’ Tribe — think internet forum meets “at home” with deep loving connections between sister birth goddesses. I know how important these spaces are, espcially during huge transitions like birth. I was made to create tribes, and I can’t wait to share this one with you. It is a bloomin, thrivin, wild-woman-circlin’, supportive, love-centered, ever-evolving, co-created space to connect deeply with mamas who will inspire you, love you, spot you while you stretch and expand, and wow you with their awesome.
- A fat e-binder (in pdf format), chocked full of info and natural rememdies/ideas for things specific to pregnancy, early labor, active labor, birth, and postpartum. This is a scanned version of the binder I created for my own birth – it contains things you might want to be concerned about during the different stages, complete with color coding to let you know the risk/intervention level.
- A beautiful hand/digital-hybrid Soulful Pregnancy Journal <3 This is my warmbest gift of love to you: a keepsake of your pregnancy journey for your baby or babies. This is the journal I wish I had had when I was pregnant – a whole collection of the experience of pregnancy and birth. And because I really want it to be extra special to you and your child, I want to include 5 personalized pages for you. Details upon confirmation e-mail.
This e-course will inspire you to:
- question what you thought you knew about pain and safety in childbirth
- locate, process, and release your fears concerning pregnancy and birth
- sink deeply into your inner knowing
- connect deeper with other mamas, and people in general
- embody a birth goddess vibe
- relish your pregnancy journey
- look forward to giving birth
- make choices from a place of trust, rather than fear or anxiety
- plan a sacred, well-prepared birth
- start creating a birth legacy
- become and be a self-trust master, and watch it grow into other areas of your life
- possibly kiss your partner and other children more :)
So, at this point you are probably noticing I have poured my heart and soul into this course. Birthing women hold the warmest place in my heart (yes, I am the woman who stops dancing down the grocery store isle to get all teary at a big beautiful baby belly), and I want to share that deep sacred love with you at a time when I think you can’t possibly soak enough of it in <3 I truly believe (and purposely designed) this package to prepare you as whole-ly as I could imagine would be useful. I know that you probably don’t have the ability or time to do the research I did, but you deserve to know what I found, what I realized, what changed my birth legacy and, honestly-really-truly, what changed my entire life. I can’t imagine having the depth of courage and self-knowing to revolutionize and redesign my life and my relationships, without the self-trust and empowerment that I finally knew through my own powerful birth.
Are you ready to talk price?
I can’t imagine dividing this whole package into parts, so I am not going to give you a breakdown of costs. What I am going to say is, my suggested price is two hundred dollars, but I have faith that you will give what you feel in your heart is right price for you based on what you have to give. Just ask yourself, and when you feel good with a price, there is your answer. Yes, this is your first exercise in my “How to become a self-trust master AND birth goddess in one e-course” adventure :)
Are you ready?
Paypal: wildsacredsoul@live.com
Morning Motivation
Hello, My Love <3
I’m really realllllly excited to tell you about something I want to do with you! (Can you see me doing the excited dance in my seat? :))
Okay, but first, I have a question (or more) for you…
Do mornings feel heavy for you? Do you feel like you could be gearing up your engines for the day, but for whatever reason just aren’t? Would you like a boost?
Alright, here is my big huge idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Morning Motivation is a 10-15 minute phone call from me to you every morning for 1 week (5 days)!! It would probably go something like this:
You (groggy): Hello?
Me (amped up and jumping up and down as I talk): Good beautiful morning full of possibilities!!!!!!!!!!!
You: Haha. Good morning.
Me: I am so excited about your new project that you are starting today!!! When you told me about it in your e-mail, I was like “THAT IS SO COOL!!! I am so excited to help get you all inspired every morning this week so you can make it happen!”
You: Thank you! Me, too!
Me: Yay!!!!! Let’s do the happy dance together before we get started!
You: Yay! Way better than coffee!!!
Me: Yipppeeeeeeeee! (doing the cabbage patch) Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
Okay, it will maybe go something like that :D It will probably be way uncooler :))
I am really good at infecting people with my joyfulness, and I am so stankin giddy about spreading the morning joy with people!!!!!!!! Mornings are such a beautiful way to start the day! So full of infinite possibilities, like a gift you get to open for roughly 16 hours!!!! How cool is that?!
I am thinking this kind of thing would be SO perfect for someone who is implimenting something new into their life and could use a bit of remembering, clarity, inspiration to get the gears moving in that direction for the day. Like someone who is quitting smoking, starting a new healthy eating lifestyle, getting into the swing of gentle parenting or homeschooling, or just generally wanting to stay mindful of something throughout the day. I believe in you! I want to tell you every morning :))
Someone who is starting a new project might appreciate some extra enthusiasm… like a business or some crafty gift-giving, or anything that could use some extra pep for a week. Or what about finals week? Yikes! Been there, done that! Morning Motivation: possibly more tastey than green tea or energy drinks — definitely less crash on the other end LOL Absolutely more addictive! :)))
Or what about someone who just wants to be a morning person and just can’t muster the energy to be one, so wants to get into the habit of feeling full of insight and energy to start off their day. Someone who wants to start their day off with a certain intention and could really soak up my nourishing bountiful energy :) I would love to help you get used to starting off your day like that!
So, here is the thing…
Obviously, I only have so many 10-15 minute increments available in the morning :) I really really REALLY want to share this with you! I know you will love it! I know you will feel more peaceful and aligned and energized for your day, like a spiritual workout that keeps you going all day long. I want to see your family and home transform the way mine has when I started shifting my energy in the mornings.
So, hurry! Hurry and get signed up! Hurry and join me in the mornings, so we can share a virtual cuppa something delicious!
So, the cost is $50, which breaks down to about $10 a call — pretty darn awesome! That is like 2 cups of something from Starbucks (but even better) delivered to your door! :)) Thank you for participating in sustaining my little family and enabling me to continue giving all of my heart to the world :)
Even if you aren’t ready or interested in joining me for Morning Motivation, I hope this blog post gave you some ideas of how you can feel when starting off your day :) Here is another place you can find some delicious wisdom from fellow Morning Goddesses :)
I love you, I love you, I love youuuuuuuuu!
Eek! Eek! Eek! The Goddess Circle
Okay, I must share my newest most amazing adventures!!!!!!
I finally, finally joined Leonie’s Goddess Circle! Eeep! I’m bursting with excitement and abundance!!! This was my Facebook status when I first joined:
Crying with happiness over here. Tears of sobbing joy (much to my teenager’s teasing LOL). I finally did something I have been wanting to do for 2 years, something that I know will be transformative. I finally invested in myself. And I’m not even scared!!!! I am so finally ready, and I can’t believe this is real… I joined the Goddess Circle at… [insert link to the GoddessGuidebook.com]
Joining the Goddess Circle has kinda been a dream of mine for a while, but what made me finally jump and do it was so I could become a Business Goddess :D Yep, I’m so finally ready and serious about this. Have you noticed? lol
And I have been thinking a lot and playing a lot with what the heck I really just want to do. I mean, I want to do about a-million-five-hundred-thousand (yep, I just channeled one of the kids there LOL) things for this world and all it’s living things. But what is the essence of what I want to do? Where do I want to start growing from?
Well, I think that is why I joined the business e-course LOL I have so so much in the works! And I am so excited to share this journey with youuuuuuu! <3
Love you!
V, Wild, Soul, Zen, or Hey You :))
p.s. – just for the beauty and brightness of it, I wanted to share my intro to the Circle <3 :D
Namaste, my fellow goddess sisters!
I literally cried when I read “Welcome to the Goddess Circle” after my payment was processed. I have been wanting to do this for years and finally just said it was time and it would work out financially.
I am positively BURSTING with joy and excitement, like a hyper puppy, to be here :)) When I calm down a bit, I am sure I will feel totally sacred zen oneness :))
A bit about me…. My mom named me Vanessa. I have gone by many names and currently resonate most with V, Wild, Soul, Zen, or Hey You :))
Me and my kids live in an RV. We had plans to travel the US but found that, although we were fine racing out of our house, we weren’t ready to leave our dearest friends and comfort zone. So, we live with panormaic views and lots of company in San Diego County :))
What fills my life is the joy of my children. We haven’t always lived this way, but we are pretty comfortably grounded in and grateful for our self-designed and -directed life. A couple short-cut terms are unschooling (radical unschooling for us), whole-life/natural learning/living [–wish I had also mentioned consensual living]. Basically, I respect my children’s autonomy and personal development, and just live a joyful and fun life and trust that they are learning everything they need. Living in an RV provides simplicity and flow and movement and connection and self-sufficieny that we are thriving on right now. Some days are utter chaos (gripping the handlebars of life, yelling WHEEEEEEEE, and appologizing all over the place for wheeling over people’s toes), most are zen, all are beautiful joyful adventures. People often ask how I do it all — I don’t. I prioretize and only do what I love to do :)
I think I am the Goddess of Love. Love is truly my religion — I practice it and extend it to envelope every interaction I have in my life. I just love, and when I’m not sure, I ask myself “What would love do?” Also, I picked love, because it kinda umbrellas over the other stuff I want to be a goddess of LOL Like emotional midwifery for people who want to live more freely, like supporting mamas in every phase of mamahood (conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, all the way up!), like nourishing the world one hug at a time :)
What I am hoping to get from the Goddess Circle is tribeness, connection, inspiration, my own emotional midwifery so that I can live more free, too :) All the delicious goodies that come from joining a sacred circle of radiant women :)))
I heart my mail subscribers!
So, some of you may have gotten a couple e-mails from me, while I was trying to figure out how to get you resubscribed, since I changed my blog’s name in January. (I figured out how to edit the feed, so you are now officially signed up again :))
I wanted to catch you guys up on what you missed around here. The links in this post will take you to some threads you may want to check out :D
In February, I shared how it felt to be an Amazon Warrior Monk Rockstar with my shaved head, and we also moved back into the RV and we found that Home is…
In March, I realized just how much of a Prodigal Woman I am, and it was Ready, Set… as we prepared to be done fulltime boondocking.
April brought Ahhhhh, Bliss. And it also got me thinking about Radical Curiosity (a rather deep and lengthy post that ended up being a runaway train at the end LOL).
So far this month, I gave The Home Tour :))), started getting serious about my Businesshood, shared my Shameless Confession-festo! from about a year ago, and introduced my friend SHINE! and his amazing love movement.
This may just be the longest short post ever :)) Happy reading!
Living this wild sacred life,
V aka Wild, Soul, Zen, or Hey You :))
SHINE!
I want to introduce you to a new dear friend of mine :)
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| This is Shine |
He has started a movement, Bless Fresh, to help spread peace and healing worldwide through love and raising consciousness.
He is amazing. His energy is INCREDIBLE. He IS Shine — it eminates from him. He is a warrior monk (sound familiar? yes, I believe I have met my soul brother).
This is one of my favorite poems he wrote:
You can read more of his poems on his blog: Bless Fresh Love. He is at a cataclysmic time in his movement, where things are blowing up (for example, he is flying out to Chicago next week to record his poetry in a studio with fellow conscious people). Keep an eye on this guy — he is going big wonderful places :)
And I invite you to be a part of his movement in any way you feel drawn toward. If you have a talent, he can probably use it :) If you can donate, it would be greatly appreciated (and put to the utmost positive use).
Once again, his contact info is:
www.blessfreshent.weebly.com
www.blessfreshlove.wordpress.com
blessfresh@gmail.com
Love and many blessings,
Shameless Confession-festo!
Wowsers! I wrote this over a year ago, and it sat in my drafts, probably waiting in knowing that this day would come. I am sharing this one with the world, and I’m not changing anything or “finishing” it. Here ya go!
I don’t do anything perfect, and recently I have decided to shrug off trying. I just do whatever comes up and know that there will always be more inevitably. My work is truly never done (even when I previously thought it WAS perfect).
My house is not peaceful or gentle — it mortifies most traditional folks, and it can be embaressing around my more radical folks, especially when my daughter or I lose it. But what it is wildly loving, authentically interesting, and wholey sincere.
We value the sacred, but are not reverant. I let my kids touch my alter stuff, throw my special stones in their water table and watch the splash they get with glee, smudge up my Gaia statue with fingerprints, draw in my grimoires… It’s the kids-version of spirituality, and I think the goddess, being the mama she is, wouldn’t be nearly as offended as some of her followers.
I am a word weaver. So, my mistypings are either intentional playing with words or not important enough to go back and fiddle with after the flow. It just is what it is, regardless of the fact that some see it as an indicator of one’s professionalness or education. Well, I just have one thing to say to those… :P (that’s me sticking my tongue out — I’m so mature and professional).
I’m gonna live my life, and that will probably include giving up a beautiful home and all our hard-earned belongings and living in a hippie-mobile, one gas tank at a time, one panoramic view out our windows at a time, one new sunrise at a time. That also means the likelihood of my kids being formally educated plummets like my own reasons to conform.
I am wildly in love with myself. I am so fascinating to me — everything I am interested in interests me (haha, go figure!). It’s like living with my favorite person in the whole world. Yay me! I can’t wait to see me grow and explore a self-designed lilfe.
In my family, we gender-bend. My oldest daughter looks and acts like a feminine boy — you can only begin to imagine ;) My son’s favorite shirt is a pink seahorse Eric Carle one, and he is the sweetest softest person in the family, even when he is fighting bad guys. My baby girl is built like a linebacker and tickled by painted nails, jewelry, and new shoes as she romps around in the mud and explores the world independently. I am a big tussled ball of beauty ideals and gender and sexuality (a nuther post). We just do what we feel inspired to do, regardless of it’s origin (nature or nurture).
Our life looks so mainstream. My kids and I partake in as much TV, video games, play fighting, yelling in anger, refined sugars, impulsive shopping as our hearts desire. And I won’t feel guilty about it or afraid.
Our life is so radical. I value my kids and myself having as much pure freedom to learn our own comfort levels and self-direction as possible in the context of judgeless equality.
Businesshood
People are drawn toward my light. I have spent the better part of my life wondering what that means and what I can do with that. My mom was a hippy – I’ve always wanted to change the world.
Ahhhh, my life is beauty and bliss. Self-created. Simple, joyful, zen, with plenty of room for gobs of people, insatiable learning, and big wild adventures.
I inspire people.
…I am so deeply touched by that. I am humbled and wildly excited to be given this gift and this calling, and I am ready to give it completely. I wish I could bottle it up and pass it out for free on a street corner, or mass produce and distribute it. I feel myself doing that with some people I meet, and it feels so right. I just want to give more. I want to inspire anyone who wants to be inspired. I want to share my life’s message in a way that sustains my little family on our adventures, so we have more to give and then touch more people so receive, and give and receive — isn’t that the coolest self-perpetuating circle?!!!
I have big huge gigantic dreams of how to do this, and I am so excited to be taking steps to make this a reality for us all :) I am a self-guided learner and doer, and so far this adventure of putting into practice everything that I have been collecting and learning and synthesizing has been wildly delicious to my feelers and my plans :)))
So, here it is. I am offering coaching calls for a temporary rate everyone can afford: I just want some experience and some feedback from you :)) Or if you are local and want to comission me for a special project, yipeeeeee! We can discuss rates :) I am putting together ebooks and ecourses and workshops for locals. Oh, you would melt if you knew all the plans I have!! :)))
I am still exploring this humongous exotic business land. I found my shady spot under a giant fairy tree, and this is my table with a homemade sign :) I am still defining my message, because I have so much that I want to give, so much that I want to do. But I think the essence of at least a bit of it goes something like this:
Live. Just do it. Trust yourself. Everything is perfect – just let it flow into the next moment. Be free, so your life and relationships will reflect your innermost truths.
I love love LOVE how simple that is because there is so much room to explore and grow in there! Whoot whoot! :)))
Wowsers. I love that message. Who wants to share it with me? If your heart just answered with a resounding “YES! Me!!” click the Freestyle Living tab above, and let’s get to co-creating :))
The Home Tour :)))
Okay, so, yes. It took this many months to get things straightened out enough that I feel ready to share pics! I still have work to do (like in the bed area, hence the not-so-many pics LOL).
**edit: Here is an old post with “before” pics :)
Anyone who has ever tried to take pics of such a tight space knows that these barely do it justice LOL I also realized I missed a few pics entirely that I hope to come back soon and add :) The feel I was going for was cozy, beautiful, kid-friendly, self-crafted, vibrantly colored, where everyone has their own little spot to call their own, with plenty of togetherness :)) I love this simple, blissful life :D
From my home to your’s <3
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| Looking toward the front of the RV |
Some of the rennovations I did that you can see from this pic are painted the walls white, ripped out the bent-frame couch and put in my own couch from the house (which fit to the inch!!), put in the cat climber for the cats (that doubles as a ladder to get up to the bed), took out the blinds and installed homemade curtains (the colorful one you see is my sun curtain — made 2 winters ago to welcome the sun back and bring warmth and sunshine to our home), and put dry erase board on the fridge front :))
In the loft, I found dry rotted wood that I could poke my finger through (!!) and tons of mold! So, I had to rip out all the wood down to the aluminum siding, and frame and rebuild the walls. HUGE HUGE project that almost did me in! It is still very unfinished, but safe, at least :D We put a queen size mattress up there, and we all sleep sideways with our feet hanging off the end LOL
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| The living room area :) |
A better view :)) It is incredibly spacious! People are always amazed. I love this floorplan!
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| LOVE our hardwood floors! |
We ripped out the red shag carpet (gag!) and put in hardwood flooring that I found for free on Craigslist, from a guy who was renovating his house and wanted this stuff gone. Still need to sand, stain, and lacquer, but I love it so so much :))) It makes cleaning SO much easier, and no bulky vaccuum to store, either!
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| The couch, complete with homemade pillows :))) |
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| Where we usually have our TV and game systems set up :)) |
This table was bought as a garage sale by one of my dearest friends. It was so perfect that I bought it from her and Kass used it in her room (we have the carvings of K+K with a heart around it to prove it!). In the RV, my fabulous neighbor built and painted drawers to fit the slots, and it started out as the kids’ play table with all their toys. Currently, it holds various home stuff (electronics, gaming stuff, board games, candles, ipod dock, etc). Next to it, you can see we have one of those clothing type hooks that go over a door, hooked onto the back of the dinette and holding our backpacks and hats and such.
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| The dinette area that doubles as a twin bed for company :) |
The dinette cushions still need to be recovered, but they have fabric covering them for now :)) This is such a useful and cozy nook :) The star hanging down from the cubbards above holds a tea light candle :))
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| Kitchen shot #1 |
In the kitchen, I tore out the teeeeeensy original sink and put in a full sized sink that someone ditched by the dumpsters behind my old house (YAY!), gutted under the sink and made some cubbard doors to keep all my carefully arranged kitchen stuff inside, painted the back wall plum with raised spirals to take the focus off the horendous condition of the wood, and shifted some cubbard fronts around since the cubbard above the sink used to hold a microwave.
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| From the side |
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| And the other side :))) |
Those were the only magnets I saved out of gobs of ones Kassidy used to make at daycare <3 They are my favorites :D
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| The bathroom |
Don’t even know where to start in explaining to bathroom! Okay, I took a jigsaw to the door frame to widen it a bit (we are using a curtain as a door for now, until I build and install some saloon doors out of the same wood as my flooring and cubbard doors — yeah!), ripped off the black moldy wood walls and installed water-friendly walls (expensive!!) after taking the back wall down to the aluminum siding again and rebuilding due to more dry rot, tore out the bulk of the water-damaged sink tops and built a shelf on the back wall for holding stuff, (not pictured above the window) is a repurposed wood shelf/cubby for holding toothbrushes, etc., and painted like crazy in there!! We currently have our shoe basket in there, after finding spiders hiding under it when it was outside… We use the tub as a laundry hamper, since we can’t really use it until we stay somewhere with full hookups :))
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| Dreamy spots we can create :))) |
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| The kids’ playroom :) |
The add-a-room!!!! OMGosh, what a LIFESAVER!! It not only quadrooples our square footage, but it is so cool and peaceful in there. All the kids’ toys are in that giant wicker trunk, and the kids have lots of outdoor stuff. All of this stacks neatly on that table inside when we are between campsites :))
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| A shady spot under a tree with a great view :) |
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| Kass’ favorite spot in the house :) |
This is Kass’ little nook :D Sometimes she sleeps in it with an electric heater to stay warm :)) It stores in the van when we are between campsites, or up on the bed if the van is indisposed :))
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| Home sweet home :)) |
Radical Curiosity
So, I have been thinking recently…..
Children are innately curious. They want to explore and understand and experience the mysteries in life that matter to them. This is why children are born for unschooling. This is why unschooled kids will learn everything they could ever need to know about living and about the world. As they explore something, what they understand becomes less mysterious, so they move on to the next mystery, or further into something where they see more mystery.
When we forbid a child from something, we shroud it in mystery. Have you noticed that children gravitate toward the things we are resistant to, the things we say “no” about, the things we really don’t want for them? Even if we don’t say it, but feel it, they sense the big interesting space they are being ushered away from. And if they are curious enough, they want to know more.
I have noticed that in strict disciplinarian homes, the children who are the biggest “trouble-makers” are the ones who are the most curious about everything, especially the things they have been forbidden to experience. It seems to me that when we make rules, we rob the child of the opportunity for learning about that thing. Some kids are such insatiable learners that they will continue to try to learn about it, and they get labeled as “defiant” or “trouble” or something like that.
In our unschooling life, as an experience of life learning, I strive to open up to my children learning about whatever they come into contact with. Sometimes that means working through my own personal comfort with something – I am so grateful for these opportunities to iron out my own wrinkles, to more fully integrate my newer found values into my timeless self.
I ground myself deeply in my knowledge that my children can & deserve to make their own choices and bury my toes in trust that they will always follow what is meant to be their path since I live to keep their own unique selves intact. I trust the nature inside them. They come from such a healthy place inside that the unhealthy will not last long, even if they want to explore it. They are free – free to make their own choices and to learn quicker because they have less complications than I often do :)
Sometimes my fears are rooted in another issue entirely. A common one for me is I haven’t provided a fulfilling enough environment, so they will make choices from a place of hunger, rather than a place of healthy curiosity. And then I remember that I worry about my choices coming from that place, but I don’t really worry about them coming from that place — their whole life has been so different from my own childhood.
Or maybe the fear is something different (a common one I hear from people) — like a fear of allowing their child to eat whatever they want because diabetes runs in their family or something. I find trust in my child again when I remember that I cannot know why or how someone else developed their disease, especially with my own understanding of how dis-ease takes root and grows. Whoever had that disease is not my child, was probably not free to live and learn in joy and respect.
I used to want my child to make decisions from a “healthy” and “balanced” place. But I have found that, for myself, sometimes I am drawn to something BECAUSE it will bring me back to healthy and balanced. I always trust that when I am drawn to something, it will be good for me. And even if it isn’t, I get over it faster when I let go of the crap that tells me it is “bad” or “unhealthy” and just get my fill. Afterall, unhealthy has no place in healthy. And something only feels unhealthy when it becomes complicated and over worried about.
What IS unhealthy anyway? That is a good question. We may be able to come up with some easy things: candy, drugs, violence, etc. But what if they were just a part of learning? I learned about a lot of things by trying them and realizing they weren’t for me. Or I got my fill early and easily, so I didn’t get stuck in them. The things I did get stuck in had nothing to really do with those things, and more to do with why I wanted to do them. When I can heal the reason for doing something that doesn’t feel good, the thing just falls away naturally.
Maybe I see something as unhealthy, but that is my own limitation, and it has nothing to do with the actual thing or my child’s experience with it. I think TV and video games are a good example of this. When I demonized them, I thought of the time they spent watching TV or playing electronic games as unhealthy, and when I let go of my issues with it and saw it for simply what it is, I was able to see my child’s relationship with it, and I knew it wasn’t unhealthy.
When I was seeing it as unhealthy, I was creating an unhealthy situation, too. My resistance (even though unspoken) made them more drawn to it. When I worried that they were zombified, they became more dull. Even when I tried to shift and be more proactive, by doing more of what I wanted (more outdoor activities, more TVless play, etc), it was still in reaction to a feeling that the watching a TV was unhealthy, and it didn’t feel free and zen. I was worried about how their brains were developing, and I was worried they were going to learn their ABCs from a cartoon rather than “real life”, and I was worried they were going to mimick the fighting and the interaction styles, and I was worried they were going to want the things they saw (toys, or to go to school).
When I let go of my fears and trusted and lived one moment to the next and observed, I found that my children used TV the way they used every other thing in their life: to bring joy into their life, to have something new to explore and play and experiment with. I saw TV as an opportunity to connect with my child — we would watch stuff together and laugh together and play together and reenact things together. It was just another way our family had fun.
Now, I have no idea how much TV they watch or video games they play. I don’t monitor them, so I couldn’t tell you if it is a lot or a little, but I can tell you it varies every day, every week, every season. I can tell you there are days I wish they would watch more (because it means less mess for me or “interruption” when I am trying to do something) and days I wish they would watch less (like when we are boondocking and electricity is limited). What I can tell you is I trust whatever they want to do, and I feel so comfortable with the whole thing that I often forget that some people aren’t.
Okay, so this post turned into a train of thought, but it is full of such deliciousness that I am going to leave it as is. I hope it gives you plenty of food for thought to chew on for a while :)
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| If someone says “Curiosity killed the cat”, remind them the cat had 9 lives :) |
Ahhhhh, Bliss.
So, we opted for a different setup than mentioned in my last post. That site was not beautiful, and I really needed some wild green open space in my life. So, we picked a different campground. Here are a few snapshots of our month. Just what this soul needed <3
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| Camp is set up :) |
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| The view from our first site… |
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| How I set up the add-a-room :) |
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| The lake with ducks, and magic baby connection <3 |
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| Horses on the trails :) |
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| Undisturbed teen time :)) |
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| Miles of nature trails = LOTS of adventures :) |
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| A playground :) |
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| Wild animals |
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| Fun with fellow campers |
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| Company with some of our favorite people :) |
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| More of our favorite people :) |
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| Mamas who mother the way I do <3 |
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| Magic baby connection and plenty to explore together :) |
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| Peace |
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| Zen |
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| Joy |
Ready, Set…
Next week we stay at our first monthly campsite. I am bursting with excitement for personal and professional reasons!!!
Firstly, we are hoping to get into a site that is in our favorite town, so we will have easy access to all our favorite places to go and things to do :)) The only hang-up is that they don’t usually take RVs as old as our’s, so I have to bring pics and cross my fingers that we pass the “attractive enough” test… I think we can do that :)) If they are fine, we are IN! If not, we will go to a campground that is much farther away — either way, I AM going to stay in one place for a whole month (hopefully more than just 1! lol).
Secondly, I am itching to dive back into the unschooling community here and possibly start a co-op, to free up some time for me and other parents to do what needs to be done without sacrificing that unschool flavor for our kids’ days and lifestyles. More on this later, as I start building a tribe locally.
And thirdly, this will finally give me the security and groundedness to dig down into my businesshood and get things growing. I have so many ideas and support :)) I am going to be re-vamping my site here to promote and support this new direction. I’m really excited about what that means :)
I took some time to ask what my expertise was, what I had to offer the world. I thought about the bazillion hours I have spend in the last 5 years of transforming my own life, and realized that what I have to offer is helping families concerning gentle parenting, unschooling, unpacking birth fears, and catapulting into personal free living. I can also toss in my credentials: a BA in psychology topped off with some formal child development certificates, and then there is 4 years of unschooling my children as well as having been unschooled myself during high school years, SO FREAKIN MANY hours of heavy research and deep reflection on the before-mentioned topics, an unassisted birth with my youngest, and 13 years of amazing relationships with my children through thick and thin, only child and multiples, consensual parenting and single parenting :)) Wow, I have done a lot!
So, I plan to be jumping right in and getting stuff going as soon as I am settled down in our new home-spot. I want to provide phone consultations/coaching for families who need specialized help in one area or another, parenting classes online and locally in person, e-books, videos, and whatever other mediums I can think of to share everything that is bursting forth! My prices will start off SUPER reasonable, as I practice and learn and get all organized and such. So, if you have been interested in looking into some coaching but couldn’t afford it (I know, unschoolers are usually 1-income families), this might be a great opportunity for you (or a gift for a friend).
April is the month!!! Growing good stuff this Spring :D
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| Photo found here |
The Prodigal Woman
I know it has been a while since I have posted on here. I will be honest, I haven’t been feeling very insightful recently. The weird part is that I have been proud of myself for living more aligned with my values of love and peace through adversity than ever. But stress and some other things that feel “unaligned” seem to monopolize that place where insight used to grow and want to be shared from.
We have been just BEing recently. It has been free-ing, but I feel kinda unproductive. I had such big dreams for this RV-journey that we were going to embark upon. Now I feel like I am spinning my wheels (very slowly, even) in mud. I am trying to dream, to stay focused on my dreams. I think I used up all my motivation and inspiration LOL Now, I am replenishing? Who knows…
So, our plans at this point are to comandeer some land (LOL) and start building and growing a life. I need some stillness. I miss the comfort that comes with being in the same space over and over and over and over. I want to lay in one spot in the sun on the grass for about a month, I think LOL
I am ready for a small beautiful home nestled on big green faery land not too far from the beach, to build things and grow things, to live sustainably, to richly unschool my children, to create a face Tribe, to run my own business, to have the freedom to spontaneously travel, to love a partner and build together a wildly blissful life and family, with lots and lots and lots of stolen romance.
A place for building big dreams, treehouses, a big swing, animal habitats, playhouses, pillow forts, fairy gardens, labrynths, coy ponds, and anything else I can find on the internet to inspire me :)
I have sure come full circle. I wanted to get out of my house because I was feeling restless about just laying around browsing the internet at my will, feeling over-full on inspiration and needing experiences to live them. Now, I am reallllllly looking forward to just laying around browsing the internet at my will, feeling over-full on inspiration LOL
I am grateful for the journeys I have taken, even if they all end up leading right back to home. I guess that makes me a bit of an adventurer LOL I feel like the prodigal woman :)) And I have a whole new appreciation for it all. I love the life I have lived, the many adventures (often contrasting) that I have undertaken, and what meaning it all brings to my present. I love how thinking about it reminds me of the powerful manifestor that I am. I have really done a lot of things! I have felt so passionately about so much in my life — what a blessed life to have lived. Not that it is over. No, not at all :)))
I think I am learning to not take it all so seriously. I used to be such an extremist, like something I was going to do or was into was radically completely amazingly transforming everything in my life from the bottom up. Okay, so maybe it did. Maybe it’s just more normalized for me to radically change everything from the ground up now? Well, whatever it is, I feel less attached to the permanence I once felt about the whole thing.
I was afraid to grow on land, the way I want to now. I was afraid to invest in something that would ultimately be impermanent. But I have learned that I can beautify the world, even if I don’t stay with that spot forever. And I have learned that I will find another amazing wild chapter to pursue once this land chapter has died off in my heart. I don’t have to be afraid of something being amazing, or of something ending or being gone. I will keep on trekin’.
Home is…
…where the heart is.
This has a whole new meaning for me right now. It is oh-so-clear to me that home is the abode my heart is invested in being in. I have learned a lot about “home” recently. “Home” has changed so much. In the last couple years, we have lived in a huge house of our own, a medium house of our own, an RV of our own, a van of our own, and now staying with a friend in her home.
I used to struggle with feeling at home in our home. I had so many issues about it being clean enough, and then about it being too clean and feeling sterile. I was uncomfortable, and so I think people sensed my discomfort and felt uncomfortable, too. People didn’t come over and stay all day every day, and we didn’t have a lot of friends who we did that with, either.
I always longed for it. And I love love LOVE being here with my friends. Finally, I feel like I am living tribally, communally. This is such an amazing exercise in togetherness.
I love staying with my friend in her home, but I am ready to have our own home, to be in our own home.
I got into the RV knowing that afterward I was going to live in a house on some land and grow roots, family depth, and everlasting community. I am ready to invest in some land, on some land, into some land. Our family is bursting with an abundance of ideas for our land, like a labrynth, a tree house, a garden, a huge sandbox, lots and lots of outdoor area for play and exploration. A swing for me and my beloved to sit in on a warm night or a beautiful day. A fort. A playhouse with a kitchen. All of this homemade, of course. Oh, yes. Yummy to my soul.
A lease-locked box attached to the earth didn’t sound appealing to me in the very recent past, even. But now, it feels like a breath of fresh air. I have so many ideas for the inside, too — little bits that make a house feel like a warm and inviting home, a place to grow a family and a love relationship and community of unschoolers and red-tenters.
Now to convince myself that this can be manifested as quickly as I manifested this RV lol
I’m ready. We all are <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Amazon Warrior Monk Rockstar
I felt strong, like an Amazon Warrior, and I quickly took to resonating with the title Amazon warrior monk.
I wasn’t expecting to feel more radiant and sexy than I remembered ever feeling before. I felt so fresh, so alive, so free. Just wow.
p.s.s. – I wrote this for Tara’s blog:
It was perfect, a part of the deep cleansing I was doing, a way to take what was inside and wear it outside, a symbol of new transformation in my life. I thought it was going to be a lesson in embracing my ugly – I wasn’t expecting to feel so radiant and sexy! I have bounds of clarity, especially in what is “other people’s stuff” and what’s mine (like how some people can see my beauty, some feel shaving my head is weird, and some people were way more attached to my curls than even I was). Sometimes I feel like a monk ripe with readiness for enlightenment, and sometimes I feel like a gypsy goddess extraordinaire. One thing is for sure, this is the mark of a new beginning for me. I feel reborn. I have been making some serious space in my life over the past few months, and I look forward to growing with my hair and appreciating it all in new ways. My curls are not what make me beautiful – I am.
What’s in a name…
I have a confession to make. For all my loving not fitting in boxes, I really love words that define something. As you can tell, I really love to write. I love playing with words, using them to create a feeling in another, using them to bring something that is inside me out of me, through some medium, and into you. Words are powerful things! They are like arrows pointing people to amazing places.
I have a dear friend who said once that we will have 9 names in our life. The first is chosen for us, and the remaining we chose for ourselves. The name my mother gave me upon my birth was Vanessa. In Hebrew it means “star” and in Greek it means “butterfly”. This was the PERFECT name for me. I resonate with the butterfly in the way that I transcend areas of my life, like names. My biggest name change was to Radical Mama. I am STILL Radical Mama (especially to some of my dearest friends). I always will be. And then wild zen – love it! Thank you for giving me that space to dwell and grow.
Both of those names have been me naming myself something that I was aspiring toward and then feeling ready for change once I felt I had achieved it.
I knew this winter that it was time to shed my name (like my hair) and redfine myself. But I am done looking at names like a house I may outgrow. I decided to pick a name that encompassed the very essence of my soul. I looked at myself in the mirror and called myself it to see if it fit. I wrote it several times to make sure I enjoyed the asthetics of it. I delved the depths of my insides, and I sat with names to see how they fit over time.
I had a WILD synchronis moment. A couple years ago, whilst pondering the fact that if I went on to be a midwife that I might put myself out of business because of my fierce trust of unassisted birth, I started having some conversations with a few of my amazing friends (I’m so blessed to have so many of those!). We started talking about outlaw midwivery (a midwife who defies the medical path and medical rules, to aid women in birth the way it has been done since life began), and I got this vision to create a comic called Outlaw Midwife, where the main character would be this kickass woman-empowering mountaintribe-dwelling afterbirth-supporting team-mama-rallying goddess guru, and I loved the “Om”-ness of the whole thing. Well, the outlaw midwife became Ooma. And I knew that she is me in the years after my children have grown to be adults. There is so much more to this vision, but the main point is Ooma. So….. A month ago-ish while I was searching for my name, I decided I needed a birth goddess in my name. I found a website and checked each name to see if it resonated with me, and the last name on the list was Uma “goddess of all things feminine, especially birth”. ABOUT KNOCKED MY SOCKS OFF!
But I don’t feel like my face is ready to be called Uma or Ooma just yet. There is another name is that perfect for now.
I am Soul. Wild Soul. Wild Soul Free.
And are you ready for this? I am going to change my name legally. I am ready to sever the ties to the name my mother gave me, to the person I once was and am not longer, ready to let go of my past and embrace my present and my future. Ready to let go of who I was to become who I am.
No, I am not going to legally change my name to Wild Soul LOL
Soul Uma Rose Free
OMGosh, my initials will spell SURF! SUPER cool :D Just noticed that….
Wild is going to be more like my title than a name ;) And I will finally have the same last name as my baby :D
Soul is so kickass, the Amazon Worrior monk, guru goddess, the embodiment of all things female (strong and hard, soft and flexible), radiant and reverant, reeking of wildcat sexiness and earthy sensuality ;)
Have I mentioned already that I have been practicing stepping into my power? It is quite exquisite and satisfying. More on that later. But Soul is powerful.
I am Soul. It’s nice to meet you <3
And in other name-changing news. How do you like the new blog feel?
Wildcraftingzen: the radical act of embracing life and simply being. That is what wildcraftingzen is: taking wild life and processing it inwardly to find peace. Oh yeah, baby! So, this blog is going to be a couple different things: my outward expression of an inward journey, and my jumping off point in businesshood. I am SO ready to do some work. Stepping into my power over here, and so ready to do this. READY to do this. Here I go!
I have more changes to make on the blog, as you will see as time unfolds. I read this quote recently that keeps coming back up inside me, and I can’t remember it word for word, but it goes something like, Self growth is like building a new ship from the ship you are already on while out to sea. The balance between stepping into the future and taking care of the present… What a fun dance it is :D
Rightness
Liberation, Stretch, Comfort, De-attach
When I look back on list of the themes of my last few years, I see how it looks like a fluid evolving of life and spirit. It didn’t feel like it though. More like a deep and heavy submersion into growth of the unknown and just when I am about to drown or break, I scramble to the top to gulp the fresh crisp air of clarity and then dive down in a totally different direction for a new phase of experience. In the great walk of life, now I see the seamless evolution.
Liberation was when I cleared a huge space in my life, called “a relationship that I had gotten my fill from and was no longer working for us”. When we walked in seperate directions, I did not feel like a woman scorned, I felt like a woman liberated! A big giant space in my life was cleared and healthy (because that beautiful relationship healed me and taught me in ways I never could have done alone <3 ), and now I could go wild in my new-found freedom :)
And I did — hence the stretch. The slow unfolding of understanding learning in a new paradigm. The stretch of self-trust through preparing for and experiencing my freebirth. The ferrel re-growth and awesome stretch of radical unschooling and consensual living and respectful connected parenting.
Then, in exhaustion from all the stretching and growing (OMG! Did I stretch and grow), I settled into comfort, like sinking into my favorite old worn couch, for a long winter’s night with a mug of hot chocolate and my favorite music playing in the background.
And in that comfort, I realized there was no real comfort in drowing in stuff and over-responsibility, and that I had my fill of newly acquired agoraphobia. I released my attachment to a house (or a “lease-locked box on land that wasn’t MINE”), a lifetime-acquired house full of stuff I loved and hated and often both simultaneously. Then I stepped into adventure and wound up releasing my attachment to control. Not done yet — thick in the deconstruction and healing, I followed my calling to wear my deep inner cleansing outside by releasing my attachment to my hair and my long-constructed notion of my beauty. And now, I feel like a radiant monk ripe with readiness for the next powerful step in my life-healing journey: rightness.
Armed with the tools to enable myself to feel liberation, to stretch wildly, to find deep dark healing comfort, and dettach from what’s no longer working, I am preparing for a journey to reflect, explore, and right the breadth and depths of things in my life that feel amiss. I have my work cut out for me. I’m going to be the chiropractor of my life and get myself aligned. And through this, I am going to grow (with my hair) in intention, so that when I step into my power (no doubt, my next step), I will not fear what will be magnified, what will explode from me, and where it will reach and take me. Thhis is the step I right the wrongs, seal the deal on peace with my past, and let go of the things that don’t feel right to me in every area of me and my life. I am so grateful for this foundation I stand upon to do this — I feel like I have the advantage and the warrior skills to defeat my foes… Wait, that’s not right ;) I am a chiropractor, not a seasoned Amazon warrior LOL I’ve been reading too many historical romance novels these days :))
I am ready to step into rightness with my body, in parenting, in relationships, with money, with my future career goals, and so much I can’t even see yet from my view of the valley outside my window. Yes, this is going to be an easy walk — not those mountains I have beared through climbing in my past. This is just an adjustment into rightness.
This Amazon warrior monk gypsy goddess earthmama extraordinaire has bit more prep to do before I am ready to start this newest journey, including (are you ready for this?) a new name — I know, you are so surprised ;) More on that later :)) I need to sit on it a bit more, feel it’s rightness first :)
Another shocker — my blog is getting a new name, too. This one is already determined. I’m just waiting to purchase the domain name before I share it with the world.
2012, I am SO effing ready for you!
Epic Success
(Written early December)
No matter how much I want to embrace the fact that this nomadic-dream-in-action was a classic “epic fail”, I can’t deny the success of my adventure. We may have logged few miles on our journey, but the living and learning was immence. I could provide you with a grocery list of experiences (and I still may), but the biggest success (I am learning as I read my journals from the 2 years before we set sail) is just the fact that I did it. Even now, in our broken down state, I am so happy we are here than the heavy mess of a life we had before. I was drowning in stuff — I remember (as if every journal entry for 2 years crying about that very fact wasn’t vivid enough to recall the hopelessness I felt). I am so immensely freakin happy about how much STUFF we have right now. You can only begin to imagine the implications of what I just said… unless you were pressent for the prcoessing of said stuff out of my life, or if you have done a similar journey of selling 98% of everything you own to live so incredibly simply — radical minimalists got nothin on me :)
I know, I know, I hear those folks talking, too, about how the external doesn’t matter — it’s all the internal. Bah! Maybe that is true for them, but it wasn’t true for me. I was drowning in responsibility and attachment, and releasing all that stuff from my life opened up space to spend my time and energy in ways that I wanted to. Changing the external absolutely healed the internal.
My other greatest success in this experience? Laughing at my epic fail. This truly was a fail of the most epic proportions for me. It has all the ingredients of “epic” and “fail” — I hyped this up so huge in my life, knew it was to be my crowning achievement in life and fell flat on my face. Hahahaha. That is hilarious! I’m glad I am laughing at myself before I hear the more pessimistic loved ones in my life do it first LOL
So, I failed at making a lifestyle out of free roaming the country… I succeeded at so much more.
I met the most amazing people from all walks of life. People who moved us and loved us and supported us, people who I didn’t want the conversation to come to end, people who I admired from a distance, people who are like my family, and people who filled me with hope and then flew away <3
I got out of the house in ways I haven’t done for as long as I can remember! Coming from a woman who was borderline agoraphobic, THAT IS SERIOUS SUCCESS! I experienced things I have only dreamed of (like taking my family to ren faire) and things I never expected (meeting pirates and wanting to be one of them!). I walked a jetti that changed my life, and spent some down time reconnecting with the beach and the ocean. I practically lived at the library and stepped outside of my old ways to coax a librarian into liking my wild bunch (rather than just hiding from her or avoiding the library entirely). I parked in a hotel parking lot where I was NOT a guest and comsumed a heavenly deluxe continental breakfast and lounged by their pool for hours afterward (eek! I still can’t believe I had the balls to do that!!!). I even kept my cool and found out it wasn’t as scary or uncomfortable as I thought when they approached me about my room number LOL I woke up to the ocean out my window, fell asleep to the sound of waves crashing, got a fireworks show out my bedside window. I became familiar with people I never would have approached. I loaned something important to a stranger with the understanding that I may never get it back. I opened up. I healed. I got balanced. I got more in touch with nature than I have ever before. I worshipped the sun (without forgetting the moon). I lost things I thought I would crumble without… and barely blinked. I came face-to-face with my weakenesses. I let shyt flow. I lived. I was alive.
I dreamed new dreams. Dreams of a Goddess Guild at the local ren faire. Dreams of pirate days with unschooling groups, and belly dancing classes for all ages and body types. Dreams of a winter cabin in the mountains as a cave with a little community of gardeners and animal-lovers we call home. Dreams of living the uber-light life of van & tent set-up — the best of both worlds: light & easy and spacious & ours.
That list is short because the “experience” list was so so long, and still not complete :)
I broke down more times than I can count, literally and *just* emotionally, and I got back up and started dancing.
I stepped into the flow and didn’t get burned alive.
I’m okay right now. I got through the hardest part. I’m on the other side, feeling a lot of the same things I did after my unassisted birth: the dichotemy of “I can’t believe I did that” and “Of course, I did!”, the dichotemy of “I f*cking ROCK!” and “That was just life, nothing special”, the dichotemy between “That was NOTHING like I expected” and “That was exactly what I knew it would be”, the dichotemy of “That was an epic fail” and “That was an epic success” :)) The truth, as is often true in life, is both extremes and anywhere in between, depending on the moment and the context :)
I guess this is an epic success because I am happier and more content today than I was a year ago, because I am still joyfully living regardless, because I feel stronger than ever before, and mostly because this isn’t the end — I still have a giant empty canvas waiting for me to paint my new dreams upon.
Epic Fail
(written in early December)
I love the story of the time I gave up my free townhouse and sold everything I own, to free roam…. north San Diego county?
Mwahahahahaha.
I have decided to get real with the fact that this mission, since I chose to accept it, was an epic fail. I hear that term a lot, like when my daughter draws 2 eyes too close together and ruins her whole picture, or when her friend sings an misses a note. But none of that is a great of magnitude as this giant leap I took that lost it’s air as soon as my toes touched the ground.
Before anyone feels the need to remind me that there is no failure, or this is just the beginning of something new, let me assure you that I’m there, I get it. That’s an easy story for me. I have resisted “failure” and being wrong for so long, that it feels so refreshing right now to turn and face this shadow and open my arms wide to embrace it. I’m not afraid of it. It’s not chasing me anymore. I can laugh – there’s no fear involved in it.
My mission, as I chose to accept it, was to free roam the country, to see great landscapes out my windshield, to meet my Tribe scattered everywhere, to experience a bucket list. I took a HUGE leap of faith, I experienced SO much to prepare myself for this, and I flopped. I couldn’t manifest it. I raced out of my house to play homeless in my own neighborhood. I got scared. I choked. I ended up with a broken down RV and a put-put-put actualization of adventure. I got reaquainted with the ocean and met some pirates and didn’t want to leave. I wanted to cry when I thought of leaving my loving friends and my brother <3
Our nomadic lifestyle became a year trip, which became a 6-month trip, which became 3 months, which became the option to take the trip without my oldest or stay local. I can’t travel without my roaddog. Not even an option. So here we are.
It got cold fast once we were out of the house. I’m hoping that Spring brings new birth to this dream, in some incarnate or another :) Right now, I want to climb into my cave and hybernate.
This has been infinitely harder than I thought it would be. It has almost broke me down more than once. I have had to try real hard to gleam the positive from it — I’m so proud of myself for my ability to. I have experienced things I never would have chosen for myself and my children, like the time we ran out of gas in a parking lot, broke, and got stuck there all day without our groceries which were in the RV, so I went to the surrounding food places and begged for free food for my kids. Subway was more generous than Wendy’s and more kind. Or the time I drove to 8 different stores to beg for free diapers for Najaia and got turned away 8 times, sometimes not so warm-heartedly. Or the fact that we spent Thanksgiving in a restaurant with people who lived on the streets. This adventure HAS broken me – it’s broken me down more times than I can count. Before this last weekend, I took about a half a dozen showers in 2 months.
This adventure hasn’t been pretty — it’s been hard work that doesn’t seem to matter (the RV), difficult emotionally and mentally. It has been me controlling my kids more than ever and losing my temper from the stress. I have had CPS called on me by my own family member, and the police called to check on the welfare of my kids twice by complete strangers.
I’ve been more uncomfortable than I have ever been in my life.
Is it too late to take back welcoming the unexpected in our adventure? Is it too late to take back welcoming opportunities to get real with the issues that are barriers in my life: namely, finances, friendships, and class.
I have gone to places that cater to homeless people to ask for help with things and realized I felt like I had to feel badly about our situation to ask for help from them, like I was afraid they wouldn’t want to help us unless we felt downtrodden and desperate. It gives me some SERIOUS food for thought about my feelings surrounding asking for help and support and such.
I have felt tired of doing everything alone. I’m about sick of being a single parent right now. Wish me luck finding someone who will understand our greatness and excitedly dive in :D
I remember a friend of mine explaining how she loved reading fulltime family blogs, because it seemed folks who lived on the road were so honest, so raw. That is SO true. I guess that when you find yourself talking about poop hoses on a regular basis and cherishing water like it’s gold and living life in the raw, you get real really fast.
What I love most about this blog post is that there is no judgment, no tears (anymore) over these situations or the giant epic fail in general. I am laughing as I write. I know that what is most important is that I am still dancing. Even whilst singing to the tune of my epic fail (the biggest anticlimax of my life, which is saying a lot, considering the fact that whilst shooting for a Ph.D., I am sitting on my BA and almost 50 grand in student loans), I’m dancing a jig as if I just scored a touch down! LOL I’m so weird hahaha.
I am sharing this post, regardless of the fact that I want to delete about half of it before publishing, because I want to give this giant failure of a dream manifested a big hug and a pat on the back and say, “You are SO awesome! You dived for your dreams, and when you fell to the ground, you got up laughing and didn’t regret or decide to go back.”
No, I may have failed at manifesting my “free roam the country as a lifestyle” dream, but I’m not getting back into a house! I almost thought that was what I needed to do, like “well, since that plan failed, I guess I need to…” No way.
I was feeling more lost than usual this past weekend (which is saying a lot, because I have felt lost a lot recently). I had no CLUE which direction I wanted to head. I thought I was going to need to pull myself up by my bootstraps, put my kids in daycare, get a j.o.b., start paying my creditors, and lay down some roots in a lease-locked box attached to the earth. I was so desperate for some advice that I called my mother… luckily, I got her voicemail. I ended up talking with my son’s dad. I just KNEW he was going to provide the fresh insight I needed, that he was going to be able to regurgitate the dreamspiration I have been filling him with since we met so many years ago. Since I’m pretty sure he doesn’t read my blog, it should be safe to say that I spent the first 95% of the phone call wondering why I had felt compelled to talk to HIM, scared I was more lost than I even imagined, and realizing REALLY quickly that although I didn’t know what I DID want, I was pretty clear on what I didn’t. Then he said it… He told me about when he was almost ready to cave in to pressure from his family to cut his dreads off so he could find a j.o.b. easier, and he had talked with another Dread, who told him something along the lines of, “When something is wrong, they always want you to cut yourself, as if that will make it all better. Then you can be like them. Don’t cut your dreads, Man.” And then the other 2% of the conversation he shared a quote by KRS-1. The part that stood out to me went something like, “Repeat your winning formula for success.” What has made me feel successful in the past? Certainly not conforming, working a j.o.b. to pay creditors. Haha, then I found this quote:
“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.” – Ellen Goodman
Yeah, I’m not getting a j.o.b. I’m not cutting my dreads (what makes me me). My winning formula for success has been chasing dreams, and I’m gonna was, rinse, and repeat ;)
Last night I read this quote: “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine your purpose.”
This is Our Life
The novelty is wearing off. And we are still in love :))) Sorry to annihilate a suspenseful post — I’m just so excited to share LOL
I feel like we are going through the throes of life, and I keep checking in to see if we need to make some big changes (like give up our big dreams of a roadventure and settle back into a house), and I keep coming up with “This is still perfect”.
A house isn’t going to save us from the funk :) And even if it would be nice to sit or lay somewhere for a whole day or more, a house isn’t the “big picture cure”, so we find a place to sit or lay for as long as possible (which has been the library for us for the last 2 days — from open to close). I have gone inside on retreat. I opened up Netflix on my laptop for Noble, and he watched for 2 days straight (minus sleeping and hardcore park play the mornings before the library opened up). And I read. I finished 3 partially-read books the first day (I haven’t finished 3 books over the last 3 YEARS, so that was quite an accomplishment), and the next day I read a couple magazines put out for counselors, which helped me get through my block to being a guru.
I feel rejuvinated and ready for my next step in life. I have so many ideas that revolve around travel. Eek! I am thinking about putting on free workshops in various community centers across the country about living big dreams. Oooh, Living Big Dreams — I LOVE that name!
I really want to live my calling. I have been thinking so much about that recently. I have been wondering what my Message is, how it is similar and how it is different from other messages that are close to me. I have been in creative mode — thinking of a million ways to create in various areas of my life.
If I were a goddess (and I am, ask Goddess Leonie), what would I be the goddess of? Ooooooh, how do I narrow it down to just one thing? LOL Self Truth? Self Design? Enthusiastic Living? Actualizing Big Dreams? Ooooh, so much deliciousness :)) Still need to find the most core-est (LMAO) connection between the 2, because THAT is it, I think :)) Every venture in my life has come from that place, and what an adventure it has been! LOL
According to Heather Madder, our whole life is created and meant to hone, challenge, and experience our life message. What has my whole life revolved around? Self, definitely…. Being true to myself. Grasping for big dreams and making them happen. Learning to Trust my Truth and mywholeself. Taking off my blinders and following the callings inside me for new direction. Shaking off old bits and growing up to the sky. Letting go and allowing in the seasons life experiences. Living more NATUREly. Ditching my shackles and dancing a life of free.
I’m seeing that theme again…
I know this can’t just be my message. I know I am not the only naturally-carefree-spirited child who grew up to be reserved and afraid. I know connecting with fellow Sunshine People will help us all BURST out of the thick heavy clouds that we carry around us to keep our sun rays inside, safe.
I think there is a reason that my enthusiasm is contageous for people — it is my calling, and a part of my message.
I think I just found that connection between Self and Truth and Dreams…. My Dreams and my Self are One, and this is Truth. Hmmmm, gonna sit with that for a while today and see if it is the core-est Truth of my message.
Free self and dreams. Ooooh, I like it :)) Gonna take it and run :))
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| This is like a view of our life… |
Togetherness
Years ago, I left my son’s dad and revelled in my singleness. I knew I had some serious “self” to figure out. Although, I never would have admitted it then, the only thing really wrong with our relationship was that I was not at peace within and so could never be at peace with him, nor provide the peace he might be able to reflect in his own healing. We both needed some “self” time. Even though I have been on a Quest of Self for as long as I can remember, that path-splitting was a very important imparting into a serious journey of self. I knew it then, and every step since has been on that path. Self… Knowing myself, loving myself (real true love, pure, unconditional, waves of it washing over to heal me and nourish me), getting my fill of myself until I was so full that I was ready to step outward and be with the world.
Oh, the exquisite path I took…. chocked full of deep reflection time in large bulk quantities, exploration into myself and outside of myself, spoken words to things that were once held deeply inside and needed to be set free, realignment of my Life (the big picture) and my life (the dailyness) to manifest my most treasured values and interests, heaps of experiences to remind me what self-trust was and what the meaning of my life was to me. Big gulping radical steps. Often painful (kinda like pulling out stakes that have made me stuck for too long), usually joyful (realizing and partaking in my new-found freedom), and more often than not exquisite-although-initially-unsure (like going to a chiropractor and getting an adjustment and not quite being sure how you feel about getting your bones all cracked until you walk out feeling high on life and wellness).
Most recently was possibly my biggest radicalest transition, from a life of “acquired stuff” to “serious minimalism”, from “licking old wounds” to “letting go and moving on”, from “healing” to “wellness”, from “reading about” to “experiencing”, from “old cycles” to “new life”, from “a million prioreties in breadth” to “a few prioreties in depth”, from “doing what I thought was normal and what everyone else was doing and not understanding why it wasn’t working for me” to “self-designing my life from the ground up and finally learning that I am not broken – fish are not made to be measured by how well they can climb walls”. I’m just a fish – a nomadic, free-living, water-loving, kid-friendly fish. I am a Life bender – watch how I move [that was for fellow Avatar: The Last Airbender fans]. And my own personal measure of success: I can meet someone who I think will be able to “see into me”, and I am not afraid, and I am 99% not afraid of what they will find!
I have officially gotten my fill of “Self” (in the context of walking and healing alone), at least up to this point in my life. Dawning within me and stretching out into my life is now The Age of Togetherness. I finally feel ready for relationships in my life. You can only begin to imagine how huge that is for my life. I felt like typing it deserved a dramatic music introduction and that it should then be blinking bright vibrant colors with confetti strewn all about it. Let me say it again:
For a girl who has longed for relationships her whole life, but had much to sort out first, this is amazing. And just in time, don’tcha think? :)) I feel like I have a very solid foundation of self, a clear understanding of where I end and another begins, and can finally feel Safe being unsafe, Comfortable being uncomfortable, and Sure being vulnerable. These are key ingredients for building relationships, me thinks currently :)) I have many natural relationship-friendly qualities, but my biggest asset is applying my own relationship with myself to others <3
So, to kick off this journey, Life threw a few big-timers. I guess Life felt that if I could handle such huge situations with family of origin, the rest would be a piece of cake :)) It certainly stretched me in new ways and helped me see some new and very self-affirming things (part of the transition from “self” to “togetherness”, I am sure).
Life is always playing with relativity, isn’t it? The whole story of the boy whose horse runs off and everyone says it is bad, and then it comes back with a mare and everyone says it is good, and then the wild mare breaks the boys arm (or something) and on and on. What is REALLY realllllllly — I mean, REALLLLLLLLLLY objectively “bad”? It’s all good ;) Or maybe it’s not “good” either, it just is? And maybe how someone interprets these things says more about the person than the situation? Yes, I think so. Oh, but it is delicious to ride the ride, isn’t it? Sometimes? Because I have a deep-seeded trust and faith that it’s all Good, I enjoy surfing the waves of “the good, the bad, and the ugly”. I am a Pisces, and we are very emotional beings, and I embrace that in myself and my life. I love to cry and to rejoice and to sink down low and to rise again. I am fine with all of it, because I am not scared of any of it, because I believe it is the fun of living, because I have felt the cleanse that comes from allowing the flow. I trust it, especially if I feel drawn to it.
I love how all of this has nothing and everything to do with togetherness :)) I love how life is all interconnected, like an afghan whose rainbow colors may not seem to be connected, but they all started from the same thread and the whole knitted quilt would be affected and effected by what happens to one.
I am realizing that there is only so much healing, so far I can go alone. I feel like I have gone as far as I can. I have been a die hard do-it-yourself-er, and now I am ready to do it all with someone else, or hopefully, many more “else”s ;) No more being stopped by social anxieties – instead leaning into them and see where they take me. I am excited about this whole new adventure before me. I am excited about the reflection I will be seeing of myself in others, so that I can get more real with myself and understand myself better. I am excited about all that this will mean for my Life, for my living experiences, for my future Path in relationships, for the relationships I have with my children (and the role model I am for them), for the people in my life who are blessed to have me as I am now and will be transformed by the upcoming experiences. It is just thrilling all over the place :))
Now that I truly love myself, am really really learning how to accept myself unconditionally, trust myself wholly, and am so madly in love with my Life and our living, I feel like I can finally extend that to others.
Alright, Beloveds, I am ready for you. Are you ready for me? :)
Laid to Rest
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| I wish a picture could capture and words describe what this feels like for me: plush green grass to stretch out on and my grandma’s handmade quilt liberated from a box to live in nature and participate in memory-making again ♥ |
I posted this picture and caption on Facebook 4 days before. This quilt, the fact that my grandmother made it with her hands, and I was giving it a new life… It has all been very profound to me on this journey. Almost every day I spread it in the grass and lay on it, and the bright colors in contrast to the grass, and the comfort it provides — they have been one of the highlights of the journey so far.
I posted this picture on Facebook 4 days before my grandmother passed away. I did not know my grandmother very well. I heard she was a firecracker all her life, and I know she had a lot of healing to do, which made her absent most of my life (until I was an adult). I spent very little time with her, and most recently, it was very difficult, as her beginning stages of dementia made what I thought would be an amazing intergenerational experience a sad and frustrating visit. She died thinking I didn’t like her. Now it is too late to tell her that she just stirred me in uncomfortable personal ways, places that I wasn’t ready to grow yet.
Because I didn’t have a lot of memories with her, my first initial reaction was that I have now lost the last of a whole generation in my life. What a big open space that just created.
Because I didn’t have a lot of memories with her, I am saddest for the stories that have been silenced and never told. Her stories. Her family’s stories, that I will never know now. I am sad for the memories that could have been made.
This has all been laid to rest.
And today, on this quilt, I lay to rest, during the most alive and thriving time of my life. And this quilt, made by the hands of my grandmother, is an integral part of this experience and adventure.
I honor her by living with this quilt.
I honor her by taking the time to stretch and grow in the ways I wasn’t ready to before.
Maybe I will do it while laying on her quilt, wrapped in her love, knowing she is still around, if not in the physical. And she is with me to still process all this stuff.
Be in peace, Grandma Sylvia <3
This Self-Guided Journey
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| Yes, another pic of the road from the driver’s seat :) |
I am a radical unschooler to the depths of me. I am proud to be realizing how deeply I have internalized this philosophy that feels so right in my head and in my heart. Maybe that is why I am so easily integrating it? I feel like it and I are the same.
So far, the last few months have been an experience of opening myself up to the raw, to the authentic, to searching for alignment during all of this. I often feel lost and overwhelmed by what I have done. Sometimes, I wonder what the heck I just did. Once or twice I have even asked myself if this was the right thing to do.
Parts of me wants to climb back under the covers and bury myself in familiar comfort. But a bigger part of me has undertaken an adventure, and the deepest depths of my soul reply with a resounding yesssssssssss, when I ask if this was right. (Plus, I can crawl up on a blanket in a park and get the same comfort — oh, yeah, baby!)
It can be scary, but it is right. Even if I regret that I gave up my free housing to return to someday, even if I am already ready to ditch the RV. I never would be where I am right now if I hadn’t experienced what I have so far. I never would have been ready for a house again if I hadn’t ditched the house I had and given my all to this path. I always would have wondered about this RV if I hadn’t followed the inside of me that said it was right — it didn’t have to be right for forever, but it was right when it was right.
This is a self-guided journey, and I am thankful that I am very attuned with my self. I know what I want, even if I am not always sure how it is going to happen. Sometimes, I get scared when I feel something calling me — I am not always trusting of myself or my journey, and that is shifting more and more.
I get questioned a lot (who doesn’t when they exit the throes of traditional living?). Now that I am internalizing “I am a self-trust master”, I feel less inclined to justify myself or even answer questions. Is it my job to calm other’s fears about my life (especially when every answer has been covered in depth in my blog LOL)? I think there are no better answers than to just live it and let people see. And people often seem uncomfortable when someone isn’t sure about things, so it is just easier to keep living my truth on my path, than express to people that I don’t know something but that it is okay. I am flying by the seat of my pants, and this is AMAZING right now! It is meant to be, and it is healing, and it will all be okay.
It is okay. I can comfort people in their anxiety about my path, the way I wish I had been comforted as a child with anxiety… It’s okay, and I will be present with you until you feel okay (even if it is just holding a space of “okay” in our relationship).
I am feeling very strongly aligned with my truths these days. Moreso than ever before. I guess when I cleared away all the gunk piled on top of my Truth, my Truth is clearer and more demanding. It’s been quite a treat coming out of denial (and I don’t mean the river in Egypt) about things. Getting real. And I mean real real. Like “f*ck it if they don’t get it” real — I’m tired of all the busywork. Tara calls this “nailing it”. At least, I hope this is it… I’m still in the early learning stages.
This self-guided journey means that it is guided BY me, OF me, FROM me, FOR me. And that may mean that folks see me driving in circles, crying and feeling lost, and appearing to backstep, but it is all forward, and it is all coming from within — a self-guided journey.
It is Fall, and I am LIVING deconstruction right now, watching things die away from my life, celebrating old leaves drying up and becoming compost for new growth. I am looking forward to hybernating for a while this Winter in retreat, and then rebirthing like a pheonix this Spring. By Summer, I should be rejuvinated and bursting with life! Haha, as if I am not already… hahahahahah
Today has been a chocolate-covered macadamia nut day, with my journal close. I started the day in sweats and boots and a hoodie — oh yeah, THAT kind of day. Yummy for the insides :))
I am ready to undertake probably one of the biggest parts of this journey: social anxieties. I am ready to heal through relationships, ready to meet my peeps in person and be vulnerable and authentic and invite rejection and acceptance. How F-ing scary! These people I have been loving and sharing with for years, who know the depths of my soul but not how I am actualizing them or not — will they see me and “catch me” being an imposter? Will they see through me and see that I am just a wanna be, a poser? Will they see inside me, and will they unconditionally accept what they find? Can I?
Even bigger than that, can I be comfortable leaning on them for help? Found a landmine — I will be back about that later.
Alright, enough babbling about my view of my journey from this spot.
Please, PLEASE share with me about how you exercise being assured of your own self-guided journey.
p.s. – I forgot to mention my whole point, which was that I trust my path, and I am just following it for what it is. I know all the answers I have been searching for are on the journey when I stop resisting.
I Feel It Coming
I am starting to itch. The open road is calling me.
It was a whisper buried beneath this wild ride of a transition. With nothing left to drown it out, it is getting louder and more demanding.
It sounds like the wind, full of promises, whispering sweet everythings into my ear like the swishing in a seashell.
It comes in snapshots before my eyes of open highways with picturesque landscapes, whenever I get into the van and look out my giant front window.
It’s a restlessness in the depths of my muscles and my very soul, like it is pulling me toward new horizons by the seat of my pants.
Sometimes, I get wrapped up in my fears and try to quiet the voice — please wait, I beg. I’m not ready.
Not good enough, I am hearing is it’s new reply. It promises healing to all the things that are “keeping me here” — my oldest child’s emotional nourishment, my own “unstuckness”, my social anxieties resolved, our financial sustainablity.
Promises of healing. Experiences to stretch. Opportunities to grow.
A long overdue vacation of the spiritual and soulful sort.
……..
If I left November 2nd, eastbound, we would be in Florida for the coldest months of the year. When it started to warm up, we could head north. Then we could head west and spend the late summer in Oregon. And then back down here in time for next winter.
A year trip (depth). In the van (simplicity). Connecting with my tribe. Having experiences. Retreating in nature. Growing as a family and as individuals.
This feels right <3
Look out, World, here we come!
p.s. – yesterday I felt lost and cried a lot. I love the clarity that grows from that <3
Wild Sacred Soul 