Eek! Eek! Eek! The Goddess Circle
Okay, I must share my newest most amazing adventures!!!!!!
I finally, finally joined Leonie’s Goddess Circle! Eeep! I’m bursting with excitement and abundance!!! This was my Facebook status when I first joined:
Crying with happiness over here. Tears of sobbing joy (much to my teenager’s teasing LOL). I finally did something I have been wanting to do for 2 years, something that I know will be transformative. I finally invested in myself. And I’m not even scared!!!! I am so finally ready, and I can’t believe this is real… I joined the Goddess Circle at… [insert link to the GoddessGuidebook.com]
Joining the Goddess Circle has kinda been a dream of mine for a while, but what made me finally jump and do it was so I could become a Business Goddess :D Yep, I’m so finally ready and serious about this. Have you noticed? lol
And I have been thinking a lot and playing a lot with what the heck I really just want to do. I mean, I want to do about a-million-five-hundred-thousand (yep, I just channeled one of the kids there LOL) things for this world and all it’s living things. But what is the essence of what I want to do? Where do I want to start growing from?
Well, I think that is why I joined the business e-course LOL I have so so much in the works! And I am so excited to share this journey with youuuuuuu! <3
Love you!
V, Wild, Soul, Zen, or Hey You :))
p.s. – just for the beauty and brightness of it, I wanted to share my intro to the Circle <3 :D
Namaste, my fellow goddess sisters!
I literally cried when I read “Welcome to the Goddess Circle” after my payment was processed. I have been wanting to do this for years and finally just said it was time and it would work out financially.
I am positively BURSTING with joy and excitement, like a hyper puppy, to be here :)) When I calm down a bit, I am sure I will feel totally sacred zen oneness :))
A bit about me…. My mom named me Vanessa. I have gone by many names and currently resonate most with V, Wild, Soul, Zen, or Hey You :))
Me and my kids live in an RV. We had plans to travel the US but found that, although we were fine racing out of our house, we weren’t ready to leave our dearest friends and comfort zone. So, we live with panormaic views and lots of company in San Diego County :))
What fills my life is the joy of my children. We haven’t always lived this way, but we are pretty comfortably grounded in and grateful for our self-designed and -directed life. A couple short-cut terms are unschooling (radical unschooling for us), whole-life/natural learning/living [–wish I had also mentioned consensual living]. Basically, I respect my children’s autonomy and personal development, and just live a joyful and fun life and trust that they are learning everything they need. Living in an RV provides simplicity and flow and movement and connection and self-sufficieny that we are thriving on right now. Some days are utter chaos (gripping the handlebars of life, yelling WHEEEEEEEE, and appologizing all over the place for wheeling over people’s toes), most are zen, all are beautiful joyful adventures. People often ask how I do it all — I don’t. I prioretize and only do what I love to do :)
I think I am the Goddess of Love. Love is truly my religion — I practice it and extend it to envelope every interaction I have in my life. I just love, and when I’m not sure, I ask myself “What would love do?” Also, I picked love, because it kinda umbrellas over the other stuff I want to be a goddess of LOL Like emotional midwifery for people who want to live more freely, like supporting mamas in every phase of mamahood (conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, all the way up!), like nourishing the world one hug at a time :)
What I am hoping to get from the Goddess Circle is tribeness, connection, inspiration, my own emotional midwifery so that I can live more free, too :) All the delicious goodies that come from joining a sacred circle of radiant women :)))
SHINE!
I want to introduce you to a new dear friend of mine :)
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| This is Shine |
He has started a movement, Bless Fresh, to help spread peace and healing worldwide through love and raising consciousness.
He is amazing. His energy is INCREDIBLE. He IS Shine — it eminates from him. He is a warrior monk (sound familiar? yes, I believe I have met my soul brother).
This is one of my favorite poems he wrote:
You can read more of his poems on his blog: Bless Fresh Love. He is at a cataclysmic time in his movement, where things are blowing up (for example, he is flying out to Chicago next week to record his poetry in a studio with fellow conscious people). Keep an eye on this guy — he is going big wonderful places :)
And I invite you to be a part of his movement in any way you feel drawn toward. If you have a talent, he can probably use it :) If you can donate, it would be greatly appreciated (and put to the utmost positive use).
Once again, his contact info is:
www.blessfreshent.weebly.com
www.blessfreshlove.wordpress.com
blessfresh@gmail.com
Love and many blessings,
Ready, Set…
Next week we stay at our first monthly campsite. I am bursting with excitement for personal and professional reasons!!!
Firstly, we are hoping to get into a site that is in our favorite town, so we will have easy access to all our favorite places to go and things to do :)) The only hang-up is that they don’t usually take RVs as old as our’s, so I have to bring pics and cross my fingers that we pass the “attractive enough” test… I think we can do that :)) If they are fine, we are IN! If not, we will go to a campground that is much farther away — either way, I AM going to stay in one place for a whole month (hopefully more than just 1! lol).
Secondly, I am itching to dive back into the unschooling community here and possibly start a co-op, to free up some time for me and other parents to do what needs to be done without sacrificing that unschool flavor for our kids’ days and lifestyles. More on this later, as I start building a tribe locally.
And thirdly, this will finally give me the security and groundedness to dig down into my businesshood and get things growing. I have so many ideas and support :)) I am going to be re-vamping my site here to promote and support this new direction. I’m really excited about what that means :)
I took some time to ask what my expertise was, what I had to offer the world. I thought about the bazillion hours I have spend in the last 5 years of transforming my own life, and realized that what I have to offer is helping families concerning gentle parenting, unschooling, unpacking birth fears, and catapulting into personal free living. I can also toss in my credentials: a BA in psychology topped off with some formal child development certificates, and then there is 4 years of unschooling my children as well as having been unschooled myself during high school years, SO FREAKIN MANY hours of heavy research and deep reflection on the before-mentioned topics, an unassisted birth with my youngest, and 13 years of amazing relationships with my children through thick and thin, only child and multiples, consensual parenting and single parenting :)) Wow, I have done a lot!
So, I plan to be jumping right in and getting stuff going as soon as I am settled down in our new home-spot. I want to provide phone consultations/coaching for families who need specialized help in one area or another, parenting classes online and locally in person, e-books, videos, and whatever other mediums I can think of to share everything that is bursting forth! My prices will start off SUPER reasonable, as I practice and learn and get all organized and such. So, if you have been interested in looking into some coaching but couldn’t afford it (I know, unschoolers are usually 1-income families), this might be a great opportunity for you (or a gift for a friend).
April is the month!!! Growing good stuff this Spring :D
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| Photo found here |
The Prodigal Woman
I know it has been a while since I have posted on here. I will be honest, I haven’t been feeling very insightful recently. The weird part is that I have been proud of myself for living more aligned with my values of love and peace through adversity than ever. But stress and some other things that feel “unaligned” seem to monopolize that place where insight used to grow and want to be shared from.
We have been just BEing recently. It has been free-ing, but I feel kinda unproductive. I had such big dreams for this RV-journey that we were going to embark upon. Now I feel like I am spinning my wheels (very slowly, even) in mud. I am trying to dream, to stay focused on my dreams. I think I used up all my motivation and inspiration LOL Now, I am replenishing? Who knows…
So, our plans at this point are to comandeer some land (LOL) and start building and growing a life. I need some stillness. I miss the comfort that comes with being in the same space over and over and over and over. I want to lay in one spot in the sun on the grass for about a month, I think LOL
I am ready for a small beautiful home nestled on big green faery land not too far from the beach, to build things and grow things, to live sustainably, to richly unschool my children, to create a face Tribe, to run my own business, to have the freedom to spontaneously travel, to love a partner and build together a wildly blissful life and family, with lots and lots and lots of stolen romance.
A place for building big dreams, treehouses, a big swing, animal habitats, playhouses, pillow forts, fairy gardens, labrynths, coy ponds, and anything else I can find on the internet to inspire me :)
I have sure come full circle. I wanted to get out of my house because I was feeling restless about just laying around browsing the internet at my will, feeling over-full on inspiration and needing experiences to live them. Now, I am reallllllly looking forward to just laying around browsing the internet at my will, feeling over-full on inspiration LOL
I am grateful for the journeys I have taken, even if they all end up leading right back to home. I guess that makes me a bit of an adventurer LOL I feel like the prodigal woman :)) And I have a whole new appreciation for it all. I love the life I have lived, the many adventures (often contrasting) that I have undertaken, and what meaning it all brings to my present. I love how thinking about it reminds me of the powerful manifestor that I am. I have really done a lot of things! I have felt so passionately about so much in my life — what a blessed life to have lived. Not that it is over. No, not at all :)))
I think I am learning to not take it all so seriously. I used to be such an extremist, like something I was going to do or was into was radically completely amazingly transforming everything in my life from the bottom up. Okay, so maybe it did. Maybe it’s just more normalized for me to radically change everything from the ground up now? Well, whatever it is, I feel less attached to the permanence I once felt about the whole thing.
I was afraid to grow on land, the way I want to now. I was afraid to invest in something that would ultimately be impermanent. But I have learned that I can beautify the world, even if I don’t stay with that spot forever. And I have learned that I will find another amazing wild chapter to pursue once this land chapter has died off in my heart. I don’t have to be afraid of something being amazing, or of something ending or being gone. I will keep on trekin’.
Home is…
…where the heart is.
This has a whole new meaning for me right now. It is oh-so-clear to me that home is the abode my heart is invested in being in. I have learned a lot about “home” recently. “Home” has changed so much. In the last couple years, we have lived in a huge house of our own, a medium house of our own, an RV of our own, a van of our own, and now staying with a friend in her home.
I used to struggle with feeling at home in our home. I had so many issues about it being clean enough, and then about it being too clean and feeling sterile. I was uncomfortable, and so I think people sensed my discomfort and felt uncomfortable, too. People didn’t come over and stay all day every day, and we didn’t have a lot of friends who we did that with, either.
I always longed for it. And I love love LOVE being here with my friends. Finally, I feel like I am living tribally, communally. This is such an amazing exercise in togetherness.
I love staying with my friend in her home, but I am ready to have our own home, to be in our own home.
I got into the RV knowing that afterward I was going to live in a house on some land and grow roots, family depth, and everlasting community. I am ready to invest in some land, on some land, into some land. Our family is bursting with an abundance of ideas for our land, like a labrynth, a tree house, a garden, a huge sandbox, lots and lots of outdoor area for play and exploration. A swing for me and my beloved to sit in on a warm night or a beautiful day. A fort. A playhouse with a kitchen. All of this homemade, of course. Oh, yes. Yummy to my soul.
A lease-locked box attached to the earth didn’t sound appealing to me in the very recent past, even. But now, it feels like a breath of fresh air. I have so many ideas for the inside, too — little bits that make a house feel like a warm and inviting home, a place to grow a family and a love relationship and community of unschoolers and red-tenters.
Now to convince myself that this can be manifested as quickly as I manifested this RV lol
I’m ready. We all are <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Togetherness
Years ago, I left my son’s dad and revelled in my singleness. I knew I had some serious “self” to figure out. Although, I never would have admitted it then, the only thing really wrong with our relationship was that I was not at peace within and so could never be at peace with him, nor provide the peace he might be able to reflect in his own healing. We both needed some “self” time. Even though I have been on a Quest of Self for as long as I can remember, that path-splitting was a very important imparting into a serious journey of self. I knew it then, and every step since has been on that path. Self… Knowing myself, loving myself (real true love, pure, unconditional, waves of it washing over to heal me and nourish me), getting my fill of myself until I was so full that I was ready to step outward and be with the world.
Oh, the exquisite path I took…. chocked full of deep reflection time in large bulk quantities, exploration into myself and outside of myself, spoken words to things that were once held deeply inside and needed to be set free, realignment of my Life (the big picture) and my life (the dailyness) to manifest my most treasured values and interests, heaps of experiences to remind me what self-trust was and what the meaning of my life was to me. Big gulping radical steps. Often painful (kinda like pulling out stakes that have made me stuck for too long), usually joyful (realizing and partaking in my new-found freedom), and more often than not exquisite-although-initially-unsure (like going to a chiropractor and getting an adjustment and not quite being sure how you feel about getting your bones all cracked until you walk out feeling high on life and wellness).
Most recently was possibly my biggest radicalest transition, from a life of “acquired stuff” to “serious minimalism”, from “licking old wounds” to “letting go and moving on”, from “healing” to “wellness”, from “reading about” to “experiencing”, from “old cycles” to “new life”, from “a million prioreties in breadth” to “a few prioreties in depth”, from “doing what I thought was normal and what everyone else was doing and not understanding why it wasn’t working for me” to “self-designing my life from the ground up and finally learning that I am not broken – fish are not made to be measured by how well they can climb walls”. I’m just a fish – a nomadic, free-living, water-loving, kid-friendly fish. I am a Life bender – watch how I move [that was for fellow Avatar: The Last Airbender fans]. And my own personal measure of success: I can meet someone who I think will be able to “see into me”, and I am not afraid, and I am 99% not afraid of what they will find!
I have officially gotten my fill of “Self” (in the context of walking and healing alone), at least up to this point in my life. Dawning within me and stretching out into my life is now The Age of Togetherness. I finally feel ready for relationships in my life. You can only begin to imagine how huge that is for my life. I felt like typing it deserved a dramatic music introduction and that it should then be blinking bright vibrant colors with confetti strewn all about it. Let me say it again:
For a girl who has longed for relationships her whole life, but had much to sort out first, this is amazing. And just in time, don’tcha think? :)) I feel like I have a very solid foundation of self, a clear understanding of where I end and another begins, and can finally feel Safe being unsafe, Comfortable being uncomfortable, and Sure being vulnerable. These are key ingredients for building relationships, me thinks currently :)) I have many natural relationship-friendly qualities, but my biggest asset is applying my own relationship with myself to others <3
So, to kick off this journey, Life threw a few big-timers. I guess Life felt that if I could handle such huge situations with family of origin, the rest would be a piece of cake :)) It certainly stretched me in new ways and helped me see some new and very self-affirming things (part of the transition from “self” to “togetherness”, I am sure).
Life is always playing with relativity, isn’t it? The whole story of the boy whose horse runs off and everyone says it is bad, and then it comes back with a mare and everyone says it is good, and then the wild mare breaks the boys arm (or something) and on and on. What is REALLY realllllllly — I mean, REALLLLLLLLLLY objectively “bad”? It’s all good ;) Or maybe it’s not “good” either, it just is? And maybe how someone interprets these things says more about the person than the situation? Yes, I think so. Oh, but it is delicious to ride the ride, isn’t it? Sometimes? Because I have a deep-seeded trust and faith that it’s all Good, I enjoy surfing the waves of “the good, the bad, and the ugly”. I am a Pisces, and we are very emotional beings, and I embrace that in myself and my life. I love to cry and to rejoice and to sink down low and to rise again. I am fine with all of it, because I am not scared of any of it, because I believe it is the fun of living, because I have felt the cleanse that comes from allowing the flow. I trust it, especially if I feel drawn to it.
I love how all of this has nothing and everything to do with togetherness :)) I love how life is all interconnected, like an afghan whose rainbow colors may not seem to be connected, but they all started from the same thread and the whole knitted quilt would be affected and effected by what happens to one.
I am realizing that there is only so much healing, so far I can go alone. I feel like I have gone as far as I can. I have been a die hard do-it-yourself-er, and now I am ready to do it all with someone else, or hopefully, many more “else”s ;) No more being stopped by social anxieties – instead leaning into them and see where they take me. I am excited about this whole new adventure before me. I am excited about the reflection I will be seeing of myself in others, so that I can get more real with myself and understand myself better. I am excited about all that this will mean for my Life, for my living experiences, for my future Path in relationships, for the relationships I have with my children (and the role model I am for them), for the people in my life who are blessed to have me as I am now and will be transformed by the upcoming experiences. It is just thrilling all over the place :))
Now that I truly love myself, am really really learning how to accept myself unconditionally, trust myself wholly, and am so madly in love with my Life and our living, I feel like I can finally extend that to others.
Alright, Beloveds, I am ready for you. Are you ready for me? :)
Peace in the Sand
I am still soaking in the soul nourishment from our overnight camping at the beach. It started upon arrival. We found the perfect spot, overlooking the playground, next to the new bathrooms, and within eyeshot of a firepit we wanted to nab that night. An amazing soul sister and her family came to join us for a bit of fun at the playground, then blessed us with the means to spend the night there.
This mama was in Pisces heaven!
I took a gazillion pictures and spent SO.MUCH.TIME just reflecting and standing in awe of how our time was perfectly unfolding.
After our friends/family left, we ran down to the water, where the kids played and I explained some stuff about the ocean to my Pisces son (like how the tides work and how sea creatures once lived in the shells we were finding).
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| I am home |
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| We found peace in the sand |
The kids got wet and sandy, and we headed back up to rinse off in the showers, as some new friends of ours showed up to bar-b-que with us.
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| The sun starting to set |
The food and the company was delicious — complete with the s’mores :)) We quickly realized that the firewood we (overpricedly) purchased was not going to be enough to get us through the bar-b-que even, so Kass went on a hunt for more firewood and blessed us with some HUGE heavy pieces that I knew would last us all night :))
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| The firepit was magic, toasty, incredibly healing. |
After our friends left, me and the kids just sat there with the fire — the kids did a bit of dancing around to their favorite tunes, and Kass serenaded us to her favorite YouTube videos until her phone died. And we just sat. Noble fell asleep in my arms. I sat there for a long time thinking, “This is it. This is what this is all about.”
After I went and laid him inside the RV (and Kass stayed inside to read), Najaia and I grabbed my drum and headed back out to the firepit. It was a full moon. Let me back up a bit…. When I was pregnant with Najaia, I developed a burning desire to drum, so for my birthday right after she was born, I bought a djembe drum off Craigslist with background and energy I could vibe with :) I had plans to visit drum circles and hula hoop jams :) Well, we haven’t left the house with it, but the kids have enjed showing me what natural drummers they are inside :)) I, personally, seem to not be made for drumming, as I cannot keep a rhythm to save my life.
So, I bring the drum down to the firepit. And Najaia and I get comfy and start drumming together. I close my eyes and think of the full moon, and let the full moon channel through me. I can’t say the sound was necessarily something I would proudly display, but it flowed through me and was a first step on my drum-playing-learning journey <3 What was most amazing was the magic that Najaia and I shared. As you can imagine, her and I don’t get a lot of alone time together. This was extra-special :))
That night, I got to fall asleep to the sound of waves crashing at the shore… *melt*
The next morning, Najaia awoke with me, and we headed out to the playground to play, where I met an amazing hippy mama with kids spaced almost exactly like mine! I kept thinking, gosh, now that I have gotten out of the house in the last month and a half, I am meeting the most AWESOME people! Noble awoke while we were at the playground, and after our friends left, I grabbed my drum, and me and the babies headed down to the water.
The beach was almost empty (early morning, school in session), and that was where the drumming magic happened. It started with the kids drumming (and Najaia dancing, too)
and then it was my turn to drum. I channeled the ocean and listened to the drum, and it seemed my arms knew what to do, and my hands, too. It sounded AMAZING! Suddenly, the drum was a wonderland of sounds and feels and movements.
What rose up out of me was definitely drum-circle worthy. I was REALLY jamming. It was so awesome.
Noble asked if we could go up to the playground and I explained that I was playing for the waves. Suddenly, a wave starts climbing up the sand toward us – probably 10 feet of recently-wet sand, and at least 15 feet of dry sand… and stops about 4 feet from us. I was in awe and almost leapt up and cheered. I silently thanked the ocean for the greeting, the acknowledgement that I was playing for her. I look down the beach as far as I can see and see that it only came up that high in about 3 spots.
Noble’s jaw has practically dropped. He takes the drum and starts drumming.
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| still drumming almost 20 minutes later |
He drums the tide in <3
Finally, he gets the sand-climbing wave he was waiting for :)) We decide to join Najaia in water play :))
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| digging for sand crabs |
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| running away from the wave |
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| Off on an adventure :) |
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| Cutest baby feet pic I have ever seen :)) You can see her little pink-with-black-spots toenails :) |
Then we head back up to the RV with plans to walk out on the jedi (sp? — the rock entrance/exit to the harbor). After we get changed, the sound of seals “ar-ar-AR”ing draws the babies to the boat docks part of the harbor :))
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| The CUTEST cloth diaper EVER, special made for Najaia from her Auntie MB — it’s a purple tiedyed star! |
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| Kass joins us :)) |
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| Sisters <3 |
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| Doing what boys do <3 (or what my kids do LOL) |
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| Making her sister feel better <3 |
As it turns out, there were 4 seals sunbathing in the water :)) (and one playing and “ar-ar-AR”ing :))
I really wanted to get out on the jedi, and we had a birthday party to attend, so the time was a bit crunched. So, I talked the kids into going back to the RV with me to get ready for our hike out into the ocean :)) We ended up eating lunch (bread, bree, and apples — YUM!), and when we headed out of the RV, we ran into a dear friend who happened to be at the playground with her daughter! So, we stuck around with them for a little while.
Wow, she touched my heart by expressing how encouraging my journey (via facebook) has been for her recently. We hugged for a long time. It was just what I needed to seal up the beach visit. I showed her the inside of the RV (hahaha, in all it’s messiness!), and we said good bye. As I drove away, I felt the peace lingering. We stopped to dump our tanks and made new friends (full-timers of 10 years currently renting some horse-land property in Vista).
I love this life.
i. love. this. life.
Okay, Dreads; Trade-offs; & a Soul Journey
I loooooooove dreads. Ja’s dreads were, I am shameless to admit, one of the biggest reasons I initially gave him the time of day (or night, as it were). Noble’s dreads are one of my top 10 favorite things in the whole world. I’ve considered dreads for myself, but keep finding that I love my wild curls even better.
I always imagined having my dread-head son and my curly girly, and it seemed meant to be, as her curls are bigger and silky soft. One problem: she hates getting her hair brushed. She yells “No!” and runs down the hall and out of the house if I even try. It’s a bit easier in the shower, when I can soak her hair in conditioner while I comb/brush, easy distract her, move slowly and mindfully, and do a lot of “emotional damage control” in a small confined space.
Well, it’s been over a week since we brushed her hair, with everyone being sick. And today I realized that I understood why my stepmom just chopped all of our (her own, my older sister who is half Black, and myself) curls off to about an inch or 2 long. This is so much work, and it’s losing it’s meaning for all of us. As I brushed and imagined life in an RV, I released my attachments and submitted to “Okay, dreads.” WHOOSH! Sudden alignment.
This is going to be a win-win all over the place! She won’t have to get her hair brushed, the upkeep is minimal and requires a lot less stuff in the RV, less water it will need (which is a big deal in an RV that plans to live unplugged), and an added bonus — it will be fun to see it grow long instead of out :))) Not that I don’t love me an afro (have you seen my hair?).
Speaking of, I have decided now is the time to start using baking soda and apple cider vinegar for my hair instead of shampoo and conditioner. If I start now, it will give me about 2 1/2 months for my hair to adjust and transition, so it will be easy when we are on the road :)) Also, I am open to a dread/curls combo for my hair. We shall see with time :)))
A trade off….. I’ve enjoyed looking at ways to trade-off stuff/space with experiences. I mean, that’s kind of the main goal of this adventure in the first place. I was thinking of leaving my foot care stuff and getting a pedicure with Kass once a month-ish! I’m hoping it will be some great me & Kass time. It will mean less stuff in the RV, which is always nice. And mostly, we and our feet deserve the pampering – the scrubbing, the detail work, the massage. Oh, the massage *melt* That got me to thinking what a wonderful benefit regular massage and chiropractic alignment would be for Kass and I as we realign our bodies and lives with healthiness and slow intentional living. Another way to align our life :)))
Speaking of healing, soul journey….. I kept thinking this was going to be a spiritual journey, but I am realizing this is going to be much more of a soul journey, tempered with a bit of spiritualness :)) I have known all along that this was going to be a journey of self and that it would require solitude, maybe in large doses. I thought I could find that “self” in snippets during days and in between visits. I thought I could eek by for the first couple visits and nab it in a larger quantity later in the journey, so we could hurry and get on the road and get out of familiar territory and not miss anyone during our far-shot trajectory.
At this point in my preparation for finding a deeper level of self and connecting with beloveds, it is becoming more and more clear to me that we need to take some serious time to ourselves before we descend upon anyone :))
We need time to detox from this “junk food” life, we need to adjust to being unplugged, and we need to do some healing and connection with ourselves and each other before we can really do a visit with you justice. Right now, I’m a little insecure about visits. I’m insecure about some bits of myself that are out of alignment or underdeveloped, and I’m insecure about my wild bunch. Not to say that you wouldn’t love us in our imperfections or be fine with our wildness, but I don’t want to compound those insecurities with the anxiety I would feel if I was insecure. I want to feel confident and comfortable, and I want to feel like we are healthy and well-adjusted. We all have some healing and adjusting to do before we start connecting with our tribe <3
This is what I currently think the first couple steps of our journey will look like:
I think our first stop will be a reasonably-priced campground with gorgeous, natural, and quiet grounds to do the initial detox and adjustment, to work out the kinks close to familiarity. The plan is to have no Internet, extreme minimal technology, maybe no phone even, to spend about a month or two indulging in nature, immersing ourselves in the simplest family living, and some serious alignment. I am saying a month or two, but I really have no idea how long it will take to feel ready — could be much less, could be even longer?
Once we are all ready to move on and get out on the road, our road freedom will begin. I have clue where we will start heading, because it will depend on the season, our budget, our priorities, and our newfound internal compass’ direction.
There is a certain internal nourishment that comes with making all these plans. It’s as if realizing what we need most kinda heals that part inside us, so we are open to the next priority in our journey. It started with wanting to take life one step at a time, then wanting to race around and see everyone, then it was about spending depth with each person, and now it is finding our inner alignment first. It’s exciting to see what may come up next! I hope you don’t mind being strung along on this internal journey <3 What I do know is that when we pull up to your house, we will all be better for it :)))
Why We Need Our Own Comfy Space
Some of you have been so kind to offer your homes to us when we pull through. Aww, such kindness, such innocence. You wouldn’t believe what you were getting yourself into, and I prefer to keep friends loved ones and some sort of happiness with my kids that is not based on expecting or forcing them to be less “all of them” than they are.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how convenient it would be if we really could have just travelled in our van towing a pop-up trailer — oh, the gas-saving fantasies I have! And then I open my eyes in my reality and realize why we need something bigger.
Lemme share a few fun reasons why, no, really, we need our own comfy space:
- my babies live naked
- you have yet to see my hair or my attire in the morning before I have groomed
- we have a large dog who sleeps in bed with us at night
- we are a family of 4 radical unschoolers — have you any clue what that looks like on any given day?
- I am known to sleep topless at night
And some more serious reasons (no, those were not serious reasons LOL)
- we are going to be doing this for a long time, and having a HOME on wheels that we can safely crawl back into is part of the “this IS a healthy and responsible way of raising children” bit for me right now :)
- our home will be set up for comfort, so your guest bed won’t necessarily be more comfy than our bed — in fact, I am determined to have the comfiest bed possible!
Now, having said that, there are a few things I look forward to at your house:
- a long hot shower
- maybe washing a couple loads of laundry
- mostly, just being with you during peek hours and retreating to our den when it feels right :))
I am very excited to learn as I go, about visiting people. We will be like temporary neighbors :))) That’s the best part about living a nomadic lifestyle: everyone is our neighbor, especially at one point or another :)
Now, having just written that, I am realizing, you all are prepared for my kids and I, but my fur-son, Kai, is kinda glued to the hip (and when he isn’t, he is digging holes and chewing things up, so he really needs to be glued to our hip). I have already learned about the necessary camping and site-seeing adjustments/alternatives that is going to require (especially since he is a big dog). How do YOU think that is going to impact our visit? Feel free to think on it and get back to me ;)
Getting to know you..
I am so excited to share my newest most amazing blogging/national tribe building/connective way of expressing myself to you :))))) I hope you enjoy! It’s long, but I’m worth it :))
I Think This is It
***note, I only included names of people whose blogs I can link to, so don’t feel left out if I didn’t include your name <3
So, this is our travel plan — disregard anything from the past that might be confusing, and take this account as the new whole deal :)))
In mid-to-late June, we will have an appointment that may dictate what day we actually get out the door, so I can’t set up a launch date at this time. What we have decided to do is leave the house and plants and cats with my brother until November and tow a pop-up trailer with our minivan. This enables lots of things.
Firstly, I know my van is good, and I just will never know with a used RV (and the ones in our price range are like 20 years old!). Also, our van gets 3 times better gas mileage than an RV would, and for a family who wants to hurry around the entire country to see people, this matters very much right now.
A pop-up trailer is perfect for us, because it will be light enough for my minivan to tow and provide the basic necessities (a kitchen with fridge, a dinette, and 2 big beds with the option to convert the dinette into another bed), which will make a perfect little need-meeting home-base when we are in transit or transition so often for an extended period of time.
And leaving the house allows us storage for the stuff we want to bring into an RV but not into a van/pop-up trailer set-up. It allows me time to take care of some bigger projects that I’d rather not force to get done with everything else I need to do by June. My cats get to stay in the comfort of the home they have known for the last year-ish with my brother who has lived with us most of their lives and love very much. We get to have a mailing address and someone I trust to check my mail for me. And this allows us to have my brother fix the house up for probable-move-out (without my kids and dog thrashing it along the way) upon our return, while my brother gets to stay somewhere for very little rent and responsibility while he saves up to do his thing.
So, we head out in mid- or late-June and will drive California Highway 1, which goes right along the ocean coast, so we can soak in one of the most gorgeous drives in all of America. We are going to stop in the San Fransisco area the first night and stay for a couple days visiting loved ones in the area and seeing some sites.
Then we will head up into Oregon along the 1 and 101 to visit my dear MB and the Oregon green mountainy coast sites <3 On June 30th, we will head out, to Washington for our first Rainbow Gathering, which goes from July 1st-7th. A tent and airbed will have to do while we are more focused on connecting with a family/community that I feel like I have been searching my whole life for <3
Once the Rainbow Gathering is over, we plan to spend another weekish in Washington with loved ones in the area and checking out sites :)) Then, we are going to spend the rest of July tracing the northernmost states east. I will be spending some much-needed solitude time to reflect on the Gathering and life and what all of this travel and connection means. And the kids will be exploring nature and our family ties.
We have about 3 weeks to slowly head east, with the “plan” being that we will spend August in the Ohio area. I say “area” because Ohio is actually only one of the states we will be setting up home (including Illinois and maybe another state or so that I am not certain of). I am hoping to spend about a week (give-or-take based on driving time) at a time in 4 different places in the “Ohio area”, visiting dearly-missed family in Chicago and friends like Kristin and Abby and Laura and other non-bloggers like my longest-friend, Amy :))
When September comes, we hope to be off toward Maine, to see my dear Nikki/Starcat, other dear loved ones along the way, and some soul-healing sites (like, hopefully, a hike up the tallest peak on the east coast, to be the first ones in the U.S. to see the sun rise that day). Then we will follow the entire east coast south and see many loved ones (mostly family on the kids’ dad’s side, sprinkled with dear friends like Jen), until we find ourselves in Florida for the rest of September and maybe part of October. The kids’ dad lives in Florida, as well as some other loved ones that we want to spend lots of time with (Kim and Grace!!!!) <3 We may drive down the Florida Keys (or at least some of them), and I would like to follow the sun across the sky one day (watch it rise on one coast and set on the other coast).
The last leg of the journey is all up in the air. Partly depending on whether certain events are going to take place. Partly depending on our budget. Partly depending on the dates and how long we spent in Florida. Partly depending on if we want to relax more, race home fast, stop a million more places, or any other variation of these things.
These are some of our options:
- loved ones in Texas
- family reuinion in Oklahoma in early October
- family/friends in Kansas
- loved ones and sites to see in Colorado (we used to live there, so I anticipate this taking a lot of time)
- sites to see in New Mexico
- family in Arizona
- family and friends in east California, like Kimra
If we rush back to our house from Florida, in the least, we will stop to see folks in Texas and maybe in Arizona (but that is close enough that we can visit them again in the near future, if we don’t have time or energy to stop and make camp again before racing home). If we rush through this time, our next trip will start off spending a lot more time in these places we will miss. Yes, I already have a second trip (more for sight-seeing and such) percolating and formulating.
For those of you who are more visually-inclined, our trip will look roughly like this:
That is about 6 months, all 4 corners of the continental U.S., a multitude of diverse landscapes, and lots of connection. It will be a food experience-extravaganza, an adventure of the senses. I am aiming for a formula that looks something like this:
- 70% time with beloveds
- 25% time solitude/me-and-the-kids time (some of this will be during driving, some during transitional camping days, and some during searching out sites that heal the soul)
- 5% of our time purely for site-seeing (that means more for the sites than for the inner healing the sites might do)
This trip is more for the people than the places, but needs a good flavor of places, too :)) We are going through the north first when there is less chance of weather that will be too cold to enjoy sleeping in our pop-up trailer. We will be driving through the north east during September when we should have some of the most spectacular views of fall that I have ever seen (my favorite season). We plan to drive back along the south during the colder months, in hopes that it will be the warmest areas of the US during that season (and the coolest times of year for those desserts!).
The trip will determine what sight-seeing we will actually have time for, and a lot of our trip will be learn-as-we-go — like how well the babies will do for the driving part of the whole journey, as well as the constant transitioning part. I will follow their needs. I want to move slowly and make sure we all feel like our trailer is homebase, just with different views :)) Google Maps calculates that we could make the trip in 6 days, 5 hours. Stretching that out over 6 months feels slow and relaxing (the point), so we shall see how that actually translates.
When we get home, we will decide what we want to do at that point. We may want to stay in our house (for who-knows how long), or we may want to ditch the house and get an RV-as-home, or we may want to continue in our van/pop-up trailer set up (maybe with some improvements, like a solar panel system and an outdoor shower and an awning and a storage container on the roof of the van), or we may find a whole different idea at that point :)) I love options :D
The main goal for this trip: see the people we love. Because as soon as I realized we could buy an RV and go see all of you, and then calculated the cost of gas and maintenance, I realized that it would take way too long to see some of you further-away-beloveds. So, this trip is about meeting/seeing everyone and getting a feel for long-term traveling.
Real full-timing, for me, will be when we have no house (crazy octopus leg squiggling outside of my tightly contained jar of responsibility). That will be true freedom for me. Of course, if we get rid of the house, we will have to find a solution for the cats. I don’t think they will be comfortable in a pop-up trailer or a minivan LOL If we had an RV, I would preserve a special spot for them <3 But an RV takes me back to my original delima of gas mileage and maintenance. So, we shall see. The beauty of living a nomadic life, is that change and creativity are embedded in the foundation of thinking, and this leavess infinite possibilities :)))
Ready for Retreat
I have been moved a couple times in the last week toward retreat. This happens often when I have been spending far too much time socializing on the Internet (I feel the need to draw back in, process it all, and then grow it outward). No surprise that my feeling drawn toward transformation comes in the midst of this new life I am setting out to live. I have big plans for this transformation, and I need to do some retreating to figure out the details of my innards <3
In case anyone was interested, this blog post first got me to thinking (thank you, MB, for sharing), and this gathering has moved me beyond words. I feel like that last one is what my soul has been searching for my whole life. Anyone who has visited the spaces I create will know how perfectly aligned this is for me. And I want to healing-sob from the deep depths of me over the perfectness of timing and location…
My current life feels so out of line. I need to get aligned. I don’t know how long my retreat will be, but I look forward to me re-emergence <3
Home is Where the Heart Is
I have been reading a lot of stuff recently on “home”. Maybe it is the nomad blogs I follow, maybe it is the Law of Attraction… But it has been a delicious guide to helping me define home for myself, and I wanted to share it with you.
For me, home is literally where my heart is, so wherever my children are together, I am home.
Once that is established, home is inside me.
It is being content with who I am and where I am and what I am and why I am. When I am content, I can be “at home” anywhere.
Home is an opportunity to connect with nature in a “we are one” way, and so I am home at the beach just watching the waves. I am at home sitting in some grass staring at flowers, or up late at night looking up into a blanket of sparkling stars. When I am in nature, I always have the opportunity to be home.
Home, for me, usually revolves around a familiar experience or the memory of a wonderful experience. It might be recognizing a state license plate or stepping into my personalized RV or my child doing his or her usual funny thing in a situation. It’s inside jokes and the familiarity of easing into meeting a new interesting person. It’s the smell of our clothes in our closet. It’s the songs I listen to for different occasions. It’s driving into a new city and seeing the sunrise through new building tops. It’s catching a glimpse of someone you have met in someone new :))
The logistics of home for me usually require inside comfort, Like feeling secure about the place we are living, like our own family bed, some privacy to hibernate undisturbed when retreat is necessary or to nurse without discretion while we sleep, the freedom to live by our rules and decorate our way, an ease about our daily schedule. These are the things that make places feel like home to me.
Maybe it is because I moved so much growing up, or because I travelled with my mom for those years, but home for me, really can be created almost anywhere I set up camp.
The funny thing about our anticipated adventures is that I am very much a homebody. Living in an RV may be the only way I will get out and see anything! As usual, I am an odd combination of 2 extremes: homebody and nomad, so I am combining the 2 :))
A house is not right for me right now, and an RV feels uch ore inviting and home-like right now.
Living in an RV will suit a part of me that refuses to identify as lazy. Lazy implies a certain “wrongness” or bad choice, doesn’t it? I am still searching for a word that adequately aligns with the feeling inside me of having very little demands upon me. I want everything to be within about an arm’s reach from me. I want to not have to lose sight of the project that is close to my heart and feels the need to be close in proximity, as I lovingly assist my baby in the bathroom. I want my kids right up on me while they are playing. I love the proximity, the closeness, the comfort of each of us having our own tiny bubble cuddled up with someone else’s. I don’t have the draw toward seperation that some have — I am the opposite. I have a draw toward closeness. BUT the best part, and the balance, is that we will have more space outside our bedroom door than most. We will have vast space to breathe in and exhale out, vast space to see and run and explore. I hope to spend lots of time outside when I need it and plenty of time indoors when I need it. And we can each self-regulate this for ourselves.
I think we have a different relationship with space than many cultures do around the world. People ask me how me and my kids and pets are going to live comfortably in such a teeny space, when bigger families than mine live in smaller spaces very happily elsewhere. It isn’t really about the actual size of the space — ask someone from New York, as opposed to someone from the midwest. Ask someone in Hong Kong as opposed to someone in a tribal village in Africa. Space is cultural, and space is relative, and space is more complicated than just physical proximity, and space is something we all get to define for ourselves.
The funny part is that now that I have begun to define where I want to go and explore what it will feel like, so we can plan what would be best for us, now this house feels like a mansion. It feels like big empty hallways and too many rooms full of too much stuff. I am a radical minimalist. I could easily do one of those “own 100 things” challenges, and when we have the world to explore (rather than stuff to explore), it will be easy and healing to shed all that weight and remain as light and fluid as we need to be, to do what we are going to do.
Having space and lots of stuff does not make somewhere home for us. Living on the road will be just as much opportunity for that home feeling, and maybe even more, since we have always rented and had the details of the space we were living in dictated by a landlord. This RV will be our’s! I will own it. I will own our home. There is something special about that feeling :)))
I am not expecting this new home to be the final answer for our lives, but it is the next answer for our lives, and someday we will find this RV living to be out of alignment, and we will adjust life as needed. Home is living life in the now and for the now. Home is not being afraid to make changes as we need to make them :))
Home is coming back for holidays whenever possible and LOVING the familiarity :))
Wherever our heart is, we are home <3
The Unlikely Monkey Wrench
Ding dang darn.
Yesterday, I had a wild surge of cleaning energy that I decided to direct at my garage (I have been shoving everything I don’t want from the house in there, and a garage sale was way overdue!). I had stuff pulled out into the back street into 2 piles: the stuff I was selling (which looked very appealing, I must say) and the stuff I was keeping (which looked like the garbage pile LOL Oh, the joy of unfinished projects!!). People were stopping by and asking if I was selling anything and peeking in at stuff. One nice neighbor bought all the clothes (bags and bags full for $5 haha) and baby stuff (she takes it to family in Mexico — I love it!!) and some odds and ends in the kitchen and house decor…
Another lady likes a shelf and wants me to hold it for her until she moves in next month. Her and I got to talking. I really liked her right off the bat. I’m so partial to loud and bold women, women who hug people just because that is what they do, women who talk about the things that pop up in their mind as they live life… So, this awesome Italian woman is moving in right across from my garage! And she has an 11-year-old self-identified free spirited daughter who is SO COOL and LOOOOOOOVEs anime.
And I am sitting here thinking, why is this tribe coming together in my backyard when I am ready to leave?
And I am thinking, was there a waiver in my energy that manifested this?
And I am thinking, what do I do with this unlikely monkey wrench?
And as I am hanging out with this awesome woman, a couple of the boys down the street stop by and explain to this woman that Kassidy is their stepsister because their mom adopted her as part of their family. I really love their mom, too. I felt an instant connection to her, too, that hasn’t waned <3
And I am still waiting to find out about this lump sum of money I was going to buy the bus with — it was supposed to take days for me to find out, and now I have learned it will be 6-9 weeks.
I guess I have some time to think and feel and experience and see….
It’s Time
My oldest daughter and I do this flip-flopped postition on road living. The last time I was so excited and ready to drop everything to live on an RV, my daughter realized we would not be able to take her entire collection of stuffed animals into the RV with us (3 big trashbags full) and so decided she wasn’t ready to do it. So, I supported her and tucked my dreams away. But I felt resentful when the house was a mess, knowing that if we were living in an RV, I wouldn’t be spending half my day cleaning. Stuff like that.
So, I decided to be happy where I am, and if that meant I wasn’t in an RV, it didn’t mean we couldn’t live simply as if we were in an RV. So, I simplified the house and have found myself SUPER happy in this home for the last couple months. My daughter, during the simplification process, made a few comments about being fine with living in an RV again, but by then, I was invested in completing this chapter of our lives (finishing out the lease here, at least).
Then I meet Tara and a couple amazing familes a month ago, and I reconnected with a dear family, the Leapleys, who I adored and missed during the months revolving around the birth of their 7th family member <3 Now, as I write this, the Leapleys AND one of the families from the gathering with Tara are prepping their RVs for move-in within the next few weeks. So, my embers were stoked, and I started researching again.
I have decided I want to go the bus conversion route (which would allow my daughter to bring all of her stuffed animals LOL). It is AWESOME what can be personalized inside of those beasts! I have it all planned out, like you can only imagine. Now, my daughter is talking about wanting to stay here again…. Of course.
So, I was thinking about it last night, and I have decided that I want to make this as consensual as possible, but I’m still moving forward. I am going to be as gentle and loving and involving as possible, but it’s time to get on this journey. I know it will be so amazing for our whole family that it will be worth the nudges. Hopefully, by the time it’s time to go, Kass will naturally be back on board with wanting to come again :))) She is going to love this adventure, and it’s going to be so good for her (and the rest of us). I’m not going to drag her kicking and screaming (if she felt adament about NOT going, we wouldn’t), but I just can’t base my decisions for my life and our family on her (geez it is hard to find a word that both validates her changing feelings and expresses the lack of investment in either decision…) “whims”? That’s not it, but I think you get the point.
So, I feel good about this choice. Making a decision, regardless of where she stands at this moment, felt very right to me. I am so glad that I finally feel so ready, so unwaveringly prepared. I feel like my bursting-out-of-my-shell-life is hanging on this thread. I have tried to figure out how to work it from the ground, but I am meant to fly.
So, without further adue… Let me introduce you to the big, purple bus we plan to liberate from her confinement (the owner hasn’t been able to travel in her for well over a year. She has just been parked)…
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| That is 11 windows!!!!!! The longest bus I know of on one body :))) Perfect for our motley crew :)) |
I have short-term plans and long-term plans. My first priorety is getting the engine converted to run on waste veggie oil (which will require switching out the gasoline engine in it currently, with a diesel engine and THEN converting to veg), so the inside will not undergo major construction until after that, except for the parts of the interior that make living in it necessary and enjoyable. I am planning minimal plumbing and minimal electrical, until the engine is done — every drop of gasoline feels like a waste of money when there is a free way, you know?
So, our bed is going to go in the back (probably have to take out the back third of the shelving, which will be recycled back into the interior), and we are going to bring a couch, a coffee table, a wicker trunk for the kids’ toys, and devote an area to holding “outdoor stuff” (a folding wooden picnic table and chairs, some bikes, hula hoops, etc). The shelving will be full of baskets holding our belongings, and I am going to make some upper shelving that holds the rods for curtains for all the windows, like this:
We will use a makeshift kitchen and bathroom, as long as I can stand it :)) I am going to find the cheapest way to have a floor that is comfortable and easy to clean like linoleum, and I am going to put up a curtain divider to make our bedroom more private, like this:
It’s going to be full of plants, like this:
It’s going to be so beautiful and simplistic <3 But the best part… It will be all mine to do whatever I want with. I’m not renting. I’m owning. …. Oh, the sound of that: I am owning! Oh yeh!!
She needs a name. Eventually, she is going to get a mural-of-a-paint job (curtesy of the kids’ dad, most likely), like this (but waaaaaaaay more purples and spirals and stars :)):
Eventually, she will have solar panels and tanks underneath so we can live off the grid. Someday, she will have wood floors, and a respectable bathroom and kitchen (maybe like this):
I want it to have a colorful gypsy kind of feel to it, like these:
Someday, you may see me and my kids set up like this:
But our bus would be MUCH cooler (and so would the stuff we were selling), and we would be gathered with our gypsy tribe caravan with all their wares, and the kids would be out front hula hooping or sword fighting (or both!), while the adults talked and danced and ate and dreaded each other’s hair and gathered wood for the night’s bonfire party….
Oh yeh…
I Get It
My fears about living in a home-on-wheels are not the typical ones that people have to process to be comfortable with something. I have already lived on the road, and my fears are tangled up with the stuff my mom carried around about our experience of it. We lived like a cat always lands on their feet — my mom attributed it to luck. It was a heavy weight for my mom to carry alone (single mama), and she finally broke under the strain of it.
I am afraid of breaking down somewhere I don’t want to be — not because of some random concern, but because this happened to us. My mom and my brother and I would get stranded at a relative’s house who didn’t approve of how my mom was living or parenting us, or at one of her boss’ houses, while we waited for money or work to come in.
My fears about what will happen after we don’t want to live in a bus anymore are rooted pretty deeply in what happened with us after transitions (stuff in storage in another state more than once, a crummy place to live)…
But I am not my mother, and our situation is so different from the ones I experienced as a kid, and the world is a very different place!
I was already on the path to trusting and having faith, but exploring these differences helped me really get it. I have no fears. …When I was pregnant with Najaia, I was petrified of what was ahead of us. I was 100% excited and I was 100% scared. I was afraid to bring her into the world, because once she was here, all the changes would begin. I was afraid those changes would move too fast for me. I didn’t have faith that it was going to happen at a comfortable rate and that the universe was conspiring in my favor.
I am trying to find my faith :))
Well, this was an adventure in finding my faith, but now faith has nothing to do with it — I have reasoned it out! Here it goes….
I am not my mother.
Let’s just keep it short and sweet and say that I am starting this journey from a place of confidence and intactness, and that I have peace and joy of presence in things like not knowing and impermanence. I have complete faith to surrender entirely to the adventure, and I am okay with investing every bit of everything into it and knowing that it will be successful. I don’t need a man or a partner to feel secure, and I don’t need the security my mom did. I surrender that security to the whims of the universe who conspires in my favor, to my tribe sisters and families who will always support and assist me, and to my inner self who will only be soaringly successful when I let go of fear and manifest and liberate the phoenix inside me.
Our situation will be so different than the one from my childhood.
Firstly, and most importantly, we will be travelling in our home, not in a van with a home filled with stuff and bills somewhere that we are responsible for. Everything will be in one nice neat space: our home, our vehicle, our responsibility. No rent elsewhere or stuff elsewhere. If we were to break down, everything our life revolves around is still right there. If we broke down somewhere we didn’t want to be (like those family members who weren’t our first pick for a stop), we are in our home, just with a different view than may be our favorite. If we are waiting for money to come in, we are still in our home. Everything we own and love is with us at all times, so whatever happens, we are at home.
Another huge difference between my mom’s travelling and our’s is that my mom had a handful of relatives in Oklahoma and Texas who didn’t approve of her to visit along the way, but I have an internet tribe who love and support us scattered all over the U.S.! And I am soooooooo good at tribes <3
The world is a very different place.
We have the internet! Need I say more? Okay, I’ll add some more :))
We have internet-connecting forums and information for people who live on the road (and those numbers seem to be more than ever), and those forum members help each other out — be it a fellow roadschooling family, or a single roadliving person who can recommend a campsite or diagnose an engine problem, provide a washer/dryer or point us in the direction of a trust-worthy mechanic. Internet forums for both “full-timers” and unschoolers are a tribe of themselves.
Speaking of a tribe of unschoolers. Unschoolers are like a secret society, and you are automatically in if you share the title and especially if you share the language :)) And wherever we go, there are bound to be unschoolers, or hippies (who are another secret society — or not so secret LOL). We can connect with tribe-members along the way, and they can direct us in their expertises of the area. Maybe we can set up a little gypsy camp and sell our wares? Who knows, but I DO know that unschoolers are sympathetic to our unconventional lifestyle and to our means to make ends meet in a variety of creative ways, and will do what they can :))
And I have an already established, already connected tribe sprinkled all over the U.S. (and beyond) who we can visit. Did I mention that already? Well, I can’t mention it enough. Those mamas are kinda my reason for hitting the road. My itenerary will be based on their locations <3 Our map will look like a series of beelines :)))
Lastly, the world is different because this is more common than ever, and businesses are supportive — so many businesses allow people to “boondock” in their parking lots. And the internet allows the opportunity to more easily purchase memberships to state parks and camp for free or cheap.
This is going to be MY exprience, not my mom’s <3 And I am so excited about that fact :)))
That Itch
You know that spot where you can scratch a dog’s belly and their leg starts thumping? No matter how long you scratch there, no matter how often. That’s road living for me right now.
It keeps coming up for me. It swells in waves, between my contentment with life as it is currently. I love my home, I do. I love my little yard, and I love the perfect amount of space we have for our stuff and ourselves and our cats and our dog. I love the stuff we own and how it fits so perfectly in our medium-sized house and looks so beautiful <3
And then another friend in my delicious circle informs me that her family is hitting the road, and I jerk into “how can I make this happen” mode. I have planned, I have dreamed, I have twisted and turned the whole thing around in my head and on paper. I could make a home out of any space on the road now LOL I can make the most out of an RV, but I would love to build a home atop a trailer frame, or even convert a bus. I might even be willing to go by van. Ideally, I would want to do it, powered by waste veggie oil and solar panels. I would love to boondock indefinitely, so we would need to be self-sustaining. Oh yeh, that’s what gets my juices flowing!
I think we are so simple. We feel so simple, but who knows what we would really need for the long term, you know? What would we need as the seasons turn? How many days a week could exploring the outdoors feed our soul before we needed lots of time and space indoors to rejuvinate (and would we have that)?
Living on the road isn’t something I can imagine loving — it’s something I have loved. For 3 years when I was a teen, my mom and my brother and I travelled the US in our minivan. Maybe that is why the itch is so insatiable… When I read the blogs of roadschoolers or walk around a friend’s RV (they will be heading out May 1st), I feel the freedom, the adventure, the slow simple living. I feel the memories I shared with my family of origin, and I feel inspired to create ones with my own children.
Oh, how delicious to spend less time cleaning and more time slowly exploring. Don’t get me wrong, I really love cleaning, especially now that I feel I have found the secret to zen cleaning. I love cleaning my house and my belongings. I don’t feel like it is a waste, anymore. Wanting to clean less doesn’t come from thinking anything is a waste (the meaning is in me, and I find meaning in lovingly caring for our beloved things) — it just comes from the innate lack of maintaining stuff while we are maintaining adventure and our selves. If everyone has 100% of a 24/7 week, what percentage do we spend doing what? If you live on the road, can you imagine what the time and days look like? I can. I have. I can’t stop thinking about it.
I live in San Diego, and I have free rent. This isn’t about vacation scenery or cheap living — it is about adventure for me, and it is about owning what I live in (I’m so tired of renting). It’s about spending a day in the dry desert and then the night in a humid forest. It is about spending an entire day walking around a national park and knowing that we could stay there endlessly if we wanted, or we could move on in an hour if we choose to find something else. It’s about ensuring my kids see fireflies in their lifetime, and the red plateaus of New Mexico, and the magnificent Rocky Mountains from the valleys of Colorado, and the humid pebbley shores of Florida, and as many historical and geographical sites as our interests can and want to pursue.
I want to go slow. I want to see everything. Maybe a city or so at a time. I want to visit the amazing mamas who I have met in online forums and carried in my heart (and my cell phone/email). I want to give my children what I had, and even better :))) I’m so excited about what this would mean for my kids, what it means for their lives and for their memories and for their sense of selves and life lessons. I’m excited to watch my babies fall asleep at night after a good hard day of living. I’m excited to see the road in the front window of our home-on-wheels. I’m excited to hear the kids yell, “Here!” as they peer out the window at a potential destination, somewhere we have never been and will explore together. I’m excited to design our lives, over and over, with every new journey and every new stop. I am excited about the impermanence of it all and the lasting bits of it, too. I’m excited about the photos we will take :)))) I am excited about the people we will meet and see. I’m excited about the foods and the cultures.
I am noticing a pattern in me when it comes to some big life choices. I draw them in through Law of Attraction, and my fears push them away — so I get this weird, exhausting experience that has not put me in a home-on-wheels yet.
You want to hear the coolest thing I thought of? A Tribe Caravan. If I had a tribe (basically, a commune or intentional community on wheels), I would do it in a heartbeat. My fears revolve around being a single mom with 3 kids alone on the road. I just feel like I need at least one other adult to share the load, you know? If we break down, I need someone else to help fix the home or watch the kids. If we boondock in the wrong place and I am exhausted from a day of exploring and caring for kids (alone), I might need someone else to drive or something, you know? That is just the bare minimum of why I would *need* a tribe on wheels, but all the reasons I would *want* a tribe on wheels is a much more important and extensive list.
Can you imagine? The benefits of a tribe AND the benefits of roadliving? I gush-and-then-melt at the prospect. And then we could figure out how to live even more sustainably together, like maybe a garden on wheels? Can you say permculture on the road? If there were enough of us, we could set up our own little market/fair and sell our handmade crafts and perform hula hooping and sacred mama dance circles — we could be like a travelling Rethinking Everything Conference, a travelling gypsy band, a travelling farmers market/craft fair, a travelling everything-our-favorites-all-in-one! The list is never-ending and full of limitless potential.
Maybe this is my calling? I am drawn to the road and drawn to a tribe. I don’t know of other roadliving families doing this (and if there are, PLEASE tell me about them). True gypsies. Powered by wanderlust and other sustainable sources.
How do I make this dream real?
Over There
I have this raging fear of success, of investment, of commitment. I am petrified of permanence, scared I will change and be stuck. I feel so helpless in ways that are so completely outdated. Who I am today is NOT whoever I might have been before that was helpless… Who I am today is powerful and fluid and safe. So, why do I have these barriers in me, still? Why do I feel like I am bumping my head on a glass ceiling?
Where I am today is NOT where I want to be — I want to be over there. I want to be rockin this goddess-lovin woman-circling life every minute. I want to drown in a community of women like me. I want to hear the song in my heart flow from a circle of women’s mouths.
I remember feeling this way about unschooling, about consensual living — I just wanted to BE OVER THERE. I’m tired of long hard journeys.
Oh, but isn’t this one worth it?
Stop that, Voice of Wisdom. I’m trying to sink into the crud, so I can pull it out by the root, strangle it for holding me back for so long, and walk it promptly out to the garbage — never to live in my garden again….
I’m so afraid to do what I feel I was meant to do, what I feel in my heart and in my soul that I was meant to do. I’m so afraid of the vulnerability involved. I’m afraid of disappointment, I’m afraid of failure, I’m afraid of success. My head knows all those things are no big deal, but somewhere deep in my heart, there is a wound that is scared of being poked again, a wound that is still bruised from so many things…. It wants to sink down deep into the rich soil of safety and convince me that the way to make money in this life is to work a j.o.b. or go back to school or get a career with the degree that I already have. But I want to yell, “NO!!!! I want to do what my heart sings about!” I want to be wild, and I want to be artful, and I want to empower women, and I want to savor circles that make me feel so good about myself and about life and about the earth. I want to live it. I want be OVER THERE. I don’t want to make the journey by foot. I want to take an airplane. I deserve it! I’ve walked everywhere, and I’ve enjoyed it, but this once, can’t I please just be transported magically OVER THERE? Please — pretty, pretty, pretty please?
Because, I guess the truth is, I don’t think I can get over there. I think I need someone to hold my hand and go with me. I am tired of going it alone. I’m tired of being so strong. I’m tired of feeling pushed when I am vulnerable. I want kindness and understanding and mentorship. Fine, I will take an instruction manual for this part of my journey. I don’t care if it makes me less “self designed”. Maybe I need a wee break from the heaviness of a journey of solitude.
Maybe I am ready for the stuff that partnerships are made of? Maybe I will lovingly sacrifice having everything my way, for a warm hug whenever I need one?
Nevermind my fears of getting into a crummy relationship (again), or my untrodden journey of sexuality that has been on the back-burner most of my life (bisexual? lesbian? straight? Oh, who knows… certainly not me). Another long hard path ahead of me. Can I just BE OVER THERE for that, too?
Journeys are overrated.
…I just want to be there. I want to already be comfortable with being successful at what I love, and I want to live in a veggie-oil-and-solar-powered home-on-wheels with a ravishingly attractive lover who is AMAZING with my children and with me, and a gypsy tribe to caravan through life with…. I want a partner who will hold me when I am upset and I will know it will all be okay because 2 is more powerful than 1, and we can move mountains together. I want a partner who reminds me of the amazing person I am, who inspires me every day to be who I want to be, who grows and changes with me, who loves my children like they are their own.
Loving and accepting myself wholey and completely is too hard. I want someone else to do it for me. I’m better at it than I ever was, but I need a gawdam cheerleader — full time. I just need someone to hold that space for me. I can get there, if someone is there and I can find them. I don’t need to hear the chants — just do the dance. I see it. I get it.
I don’t believe that shit about independence. Maybe it works for others. Maybe I thought it worked for me. Maybe it works for parts of me, but not every.gawdam.single.thing… I can’t DO EVERYthing — nor do I want to. I am only whole when I am a part of a whole. I am a social creature by deep dark loving nature. I am tribal. I need my peeps! I need them in my backyard. I need them at my door when they haven’t seen me for a few days, to make sure all is well. I need them to show up unannounced at dinner with a movie for the kids and a bottle of wine and some cheesy bread for us adults.
I want to give, and I want to receive. I am ready.
Can I just be there already? This is taking forever.
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| Oh, the slow and beautiful journey. I appreciate you again <3 |
Do you hear that? It’s the sound of exquisite release, and now I am ready for this delicious journey, wherever and however it unfolds :))
wild zen tribe: a soulful and inspiring grassroots community
My big surprise that I have been working on in the background (and foreground, honestly) of my life? Yeh, it’s my newest birth, a community, a tribe, a place to pour all of my best into and watch it take root and grow — but even better, a place for my tribesisters to do the same. The possibilities are limitless!
I have started and successfully ran groups like this before (in limited venues), and this time I am taking the best of all that I have learned and all my motivation and all my heart and all my confidence to a public venue, and I am going to plant, grow, harvest, plant, grow, harvest, indefinitely.
It’s like a community garden of beauty, music, knowledge, inspiration, creativity, resources, connection, sisterhood, and so much more.
I am bursting! Can you feel it?
So, enough trying to sell you on a free community!! LOL Come check it out and see if it is for you :)))
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| click the pic :)) |
My Gift to the World
As far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to help. I was a child advocate for Greenpeace and a vegetarian for about half of my pre-mom life. I worked with people with developmental disabilities for 7 years (until I had Noble and just couldn’t bear to leave him). I have formally educated myself and informally grown with the intention of being the best me I can be to give my best to the world. I had the oddest experience when I was about 22 that opened my heart to what I feel is my calling. I feel like it is my calling to be a guru.
A guru you may ask? Believe me, no one questions my ability to be a guru more than I do. I have these doubts about my knowledge and about my leaderships skills and about my ability to really offer something useful to people and about my own ability to live all that I value in a way that I see the ideal of a guru doing.
And then… I grow a bit more in my love of myself as I am, and I think that people could use a bit of that. And I think about how women have shared with me that I have inspired them, and I realize that maybe I don’t need to appeal to *everyone* to be a guru. I think about how some of the most influential people in the history of my life have been interestingly flawed, encouragingly real, and deeply vulnerable, and I think “Hey, I have lots of that!” I realize that some of the reasons why stuff people have written or said touched me was because the originator had a way of connecting with people in a way that touched them, and I know that I have that. I think of people like Gandhi and Mother Teresa and so many more, and realize the biggest thing they have in common is living boldly by their self-formulated truths, and I think I can get in that flow. And I think what could people use more of in their lives, and I look at my life, and I look at the recent pieces I have put together to find my own peace, and I realize I think I have plenty to offer <3
So, what is a guru? Well, whilst writing that last paragraph, I did a search and found the wikipedia definition and examples. Have I mentioned before just how much I love wikipedia? Community-created anything is my favorite, and it always offers so much more than just a definition. So, here are some bits that stood out to me on that page (bold = mine):
…refer to a wise and knowledgeable figure who can guide and shed light in the time of need
As an adjective, it means ‘heavy,’ or ‘weighty,’ in the sense of “heavy with knowledge,”[3] heavy with spiritual wisdom,[4] “heavy with spiritual weight,”[5] “heavy with the good qualities of scriptures and realization,”[6] or “heavy with a wealth of knowledge.”[7] The word has its roots in the Sanskrit gri (to invoke, or to praise), and may have a connection to the word gur, meaning ‘to raise, lift up, or to make an effort’.[8]
Another etymology of the word “guru” found in the Guru Gita, includes gu as “beyond the qualities” and ru as “devoid of form”, stating that “He who bestows that nature which transcend the qualities is said to be guru”.
In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna speaks to Arjuna of the importance of finding a guru: Acquire the transcendental knowledge from a Self-realized master by humble reverence, by sincere inquiry, and by service. The wise ones who have realized the Truth will impart the Knowledge to you.
Alright, so that is the extent I will research the meaning of “guru”, because I am going to explore the essence and put my personal spin on it (every sect needs an individual philosophy, right?).
It seems to me that the essence of a guru is one who has done a lot of work to attain something that they want to share with people who want to follow, with the goal of them finding their own transcendence from the wisdom.
I don’t think a guru is someone who is “complete” or “finished” or “perfect”, but someone who has come far enough to have attained something they want to share. I do feel a spiritual and sacred reverence for the word guru and the role that comes with it. For me, “guru” has a “higher self” implication, like self-love and self-purpose and meaning and other deep and foundational parts to being whole.
Most importantly, being a guru, to me, doesn’t mean I am “better” than anyone, which is what has stopped me the most in my comfort with identifying as a guru. I know I am not better than anyone, and I didn’t think I was ready to identify as a guru because I knew I wasn’t. And, as it turns out, I wasn’t supposed to feel better. I was supposed to be aware of what I had to offer. Being a guru, to me, means only that I have something to offer that I have worked very hard to attain for myself.
I think that the essence of my guru philosophy is self trust, through vulnerability, strength, self-guided learning and living, leaning into and releasing anxiety and discomfort, feeling, healing, connection, realness, growth, impermanence… I think my gift to the world is just me, in all the perfect imperfection of who I am today, who I was 10 years ago, who I will be in another 10 years. Me, with my big mama body (not after losing 40 or so pounds), with my broken-toothed radiating smile, with my afro-style too-short hair, with my rough and tumbly family sometimes, with my messy home, with my social anxieties that can cripple me. Just me. All of me. If I can accept me as I am, I know that you can lean into accepting you as you are, regardless. I know reading that may caused a swell of “except”s, “but”s, and “besides”s… We have time <3
And, for me, I think my true guru style is one of co-guru-ness (like my completely made up word?). In offering my truth to you on a very personal and connective way, you offer me your truth and I grow and learn and love better, too.
So, I am going to get settled in my new identity, and hopefully, it will shine through my big surprise tomorrow <3
I Met The Organic Sister
…about 2 weeks ago, but I had just cause to only post about it now, I promise :))
Firstly, we thought we were going to get together again before she left (which was Monday). Secondly, I have been creating away on my big surprise! And lastly, and most importantly, I needed it’s impact to set in before I could do a post justice.
Lemme tell you a bit about The Organic Sister, (the online identity and the person, Tara) for me. I resonate so deeply with her blog that when I deleted my subscriptions to all blogs I was following (except my personal friends), she was 1 of 3 (“strangers”) blogs I didn’t cancel my subscription to. He blog speaks deep within my soul, it speaks deeply FOR my soul. In addition to her being a whole-life unschooler, she knows that “organic” is much more than just preservative-free foods. Organic is living life from the inside out, and she definitely does that :) Her organic ways of passionately living and creating her soul’s purpose (like that “Organic” graphic on my sidebar) are inspiring to me like a soul guide. For example, my favorite part about her life: her family travels full-time in an RV home on wheels :))))) She inspires me all over the place… More about my own journey with that later :) On to the visit….
So, we went over last Monday, to their little RV spot for a potluck with other TOS fans :) We were the first ones there (no surprise given my enthusiam, but HUGE surprise if you know me well enough to know that I am painstakingly late to EVERYTHING, including our own parties LOL).
I was SO scared that I was gonna be starstruck LOL I was afraid I was gonna want an autograph or something LOL As we were preparing to go, I was having all those haunting things I feel when meeting really cool people, about not being “enough” of something or the other. But I remembered, this is The Organic Sister, and she started a site called Sustainable Baby Steps – of COURSE she will understand that we are moving in that direction but aren’t fully there yet.
I have this horrible anxiety when it comes to meeting people face-to-face that I have connected so well with online. On more than one occasion, I have had pretty heart-breaking experiences of meeting people who I connected with so beautifully online fall apart in person. So, I was scared the enchantment would be broken, among other things.
And then we knocked on the door, and Tara answered, and I felt like I was being reunited with an old friend <3 I’d seen her pictures, seen her move and talk on video. It felt like down-to-earth reuinion, for me <3 I coulnd’t believe how awesomely easy it was for me to be present with her and the other amazing new and already-established friends who visited that day, too :)
We got a tour of Jazz (their new RV – a 5th wheel), and it was surreal being in a space I had seen in a video tour a week or so before. As we were sitting there throughout the day, I just kept having these little completely-distracting moments of catching something that I remembered from the video. It was totally cool.
Meeting new friends ROCKED. I am so happy about the awesome (LOCAL!) families I met that day, especially ones who are making plans to buy and RV and head out onto their own adventures :)) It was great to talk with people about their plans and see more clearly where I stand with my own :)))) It felt like a radical unschooling parkday – the kids were playing all over to their childhood heart’s contents and the adults were partaking in the delicious discussions that happen when likeminded folk gather. It was peace.
Speaking of friends, a dear family (the Leapley’s) who started coming to our radical unschooling parkday last year also joined us :))) When I first met this family, I knew I loved them. I felt a spark, a click, a connection, and the months since (and recently) have assured me that it is real and mutual <3 They are one of the realest, funnest family’s I have had the honor of meeting :)) The day we met, they were 4 children, 1 dad, and a pregnant mom <3 Now, they are 5 children deep (and gonna stop “when they come out ugly” LMAO) and getting out into their RV on the road next month, after a conversation we had at the first parkday I met them about my plans to hit the road, which they grew into their own lives :))) I am sad to lose their presence, but SO excited to see them head off on their journey. And I’d be missing a crucial bit if I didn’t add that a part of me wants to stow away in their closet (except it’s not big enough for me and all my kids and furried loves). When I am ready to hit the road, I will be their caravanning shadow :))) I love them to pieces, each of their 7 pieces <3 I am just THRILLED to see their new exciting journey ahead of them :) And to think it all grew from a conversation I had with them about roadschooling and introducing them to a few blogs, like The Organic Sister :)) It was really cool to see the family at the Organic Sister Gathering :)))
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| My family, Tara’s, and the Leapleys :)) |
Kassidy had SUCH a blast with all the older kids to romp around with. The Leapley’s older kids are some of her favorites in the whole world, and Kass and Tara’s son, Zeb got along famously. I couldn’t believe the instant connection :) Even on the drive home, as we had our long and deep talks that happen when we are driving, the conversation kept being redirected back to her enjoyment of Zeb :) He was so sweet and fun and generous (he gave Kass and the Leapley kids some YuGiOh cards, and he gave Kass his rip board!!!). At the risk of embaressing her, I just have to share a bit of his sweetness and her growing <3 Kass said, after talking with her friend Ava about husbands so much recently (they have their whole futures planned out: kids, animals, names, husband qualities, Alaska, jobs… so fun to watch it unfold), Kass said that Zeb would make a good husband someday. He is so kind and cute, too ;)
Speaking of amazing connections, I couldn’t believe how comfortable Najaia was with Tara. Jai is usually fine with strangers until they look at her or try to talk with her, in which case Jai draws inward and away from them, but something about Tara drew Jai in. She didn’t draw away from her invitingness, and even let Tara hold her and offer her things :)) It was a beautiful little union <3
As the day wound down, I was starting to get a real feel for the appreciation of a tribe. Our kids had SO much fun playing — obviously:
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| Could that picture get any better? That is the oldest daughter of Kim, who I am delighted to find I have more and more in common with :))) |
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| He’s too cool for lots of things, like smiling or wearing his shoes on the feet they were made for :)))) I adore every bit of this boy <3 |
After a long hard day of play and exploration (as if those 2 things were seperate lol), Najaia took a much-needed nap :)))
And after she woke up, I managed to snag a pic of the 2 of them in one of Najaia’s new outfits from her Auntie MB, who runs a sustainable business in Oregon, called Earth Huggy <3
Better pics of the outfit coming very soon (now that the weather has warmed up).
I am always moved by tribe-type days, and I want more and more of them. I savor days like this, where the playing is child-guided and a joy to witness, and the adult conversation heals the soul and breathes air under it’s wings <3
This visit with Tara and the rest of the awesome families inspired my new big surprise that I can’t wait to share with you all (probably tomorrow). Until then <3
Mess
This post is going to be a bit of a mess, as I unpack (and situate) my current feelings on mess in my life.
I’m a single mom to 3, so mess is a big part of my life. Even before I had 3 kids, mess was an important aspect of my life, the aspect of life that I was able to be so controlling of. And I’m not just talking about toys strewn through the house or a kitchen in shambles (although, mine never is anymore – Ha!). I’m also talking about the emotional messes of current effects from yesterday’s causes, and of trying to prevent more in the tomorrows. I’m also talking about a life overfull of things I “must do”, not to mention all the bits and pieces from what I want to do.
Messes.
I feel like the opposite of mess is control. Control feels so safe to me, so good and simple. But it can also feel kinda sterile. I value wild, the nature-model, richness, depth. The dance between these has been an interesting one — sometimes one or the other leads, and sometimes I like who is the leader and sometimes I don’t.
But how much can I control? At what point does control become a mess? I mean, sometimes I want things SO simple that I am making messes of life to keep things THAT simple. And oftentimes when I am feeling the huge urge to have control, the fight against messes makes me a mess.
Some days I want a break from the messes, and then they pile up and become almost insurmountable when my break is finished.
I want people to be comfortable in my home, and I can’t get it clean enough to feel that people will be comfortable in it. Some people I know have told me they don’t want to come over because it is too “messy” (my word, not their’s) for them, but I can’t get it clean enough, and I certainly can’t KEEP it clean enough, especially with animals (a persnickety cat and a wild puppy). How messy is normal and okay (and people need to just get over it)? How much justification for control do I have here? I can’t tell if people are uncomfortable with my house or sensitive to my uncomfortableness with it… And I can’t gauge my own TRUE comfort with it, because my gauge is a big mess.
I recently wrote this elsewhere, “I am self-designed. There is no instruction manual for my life, so I don’t make mistakes.” Basically, I’m always learning and I make up the rules (as I go, often). This can be messy. I learn as I go, figuring out what messes need damage-control and which ones are good for all of us, and realizing that this changes and shifts as often as the messes themselves. Uncontrollable messes.
Connecting with another person is messy. There are times when things feel wonderful, like the essence of what it is all about in the first place. And then what about those tough times, those times when you may just have to call it all off because it seems too hurtful or pointless? Obviously, those are messy. What’s even messier is staying connected, regardless. Words and actions get tossed around all over the vulnerable place. If you’re not vulnerable, then you’re not connected. Can you stay connected? Through the blissful highs and the invertible lows? Can you make messes together and clean them up together?
What about a tribe? It’s like a family, but with lots more members, more potential for growth, for help, for love, for joy, for clashes, for mirrors to be put up to see your shyt, for more opinions, for hope… for messes, for mess. What about the messes a tribe doesn’t make together but deals with because of each member’s past? Who’s responsibility are THOSE messes? And is it fair (or possible) to find tribekins who are willing (and interested) in taking on big messes?
If I don’t think messes are inherently bad or wrong, why do I avoid them (or, at least, some)? I love the idea of messes much more than I love the reality of them. I also love the idea of a tidy and controlled life more than the reality of it — that part of me that craves the wild, the unknown, the mystery…
Is my fear of messes rooted in a fear of trust, in a lack of energy, or something I am not even aware of yet? Is it rooted in my past, which was a pretty weird life of (what felt like) extremes in wildness and control?
Does anyone else think about this stuff as often as I do? Does anyone else, literally, short circuit from anxiety over the prospect of a mess? Sometimes, I almost hyperventilate. It sounds funny, but I’m totally serious. I get so worked up (resistant to the mess and wanting to invite it) that I can’t even think straight to get creative about how to meet everyone’s needs.
I wasn’t always this way… When it was just me and Kass, I used to create opportunities for her to make messes. Okay, that’s not as accurate as I would like for it to be… Poor child never owned playdough or painted unsupervised (unmicro-managed). But I found ways to let her make messes with minimal clean up on my part (like playing in the mud and hosing everything off before it entered the house), and I didn’t MIND cleaning up “clean” messes (stuff I could control), like toys strewn all over the house, as opposed to paint drips in places I may not find (but someone else will) in time (ruining something or making it harder to clean later).
Maybe I just don’t know how to clean right? I’m kinda OCD about cleaning, wanting something to look perfect and brand new after I am done. When I try to not do it as good (and so am feeling vulnerable about this new way of trying to be), I’ve gotten called out on my “filth” and feel totally emotionally messy about the whole thing — messier than I already was.
Maybe I don’t have the help? It’s me responsible for everything for 2 cats, a puppy, 2 babies, and a preteen who is both the biggest mess-maker in the family and the most resistant to helping me clean (or cleaning on her own) — another mess, as I did many of the wrong things to get her to help me all of her past.
I am the messiest clean person ever lol
The babies love to help me clean, which usually results in more physical mess and less emotional mess (for them… I can’t promise the anxiety I feel when they sweep my pile back into the living room isn’t causing me more emotional mess).
I have lived a life devoted to avoiding making messes so I will have few to clean up. I don’t want that for myself or my kids. I am limiting our abundance. I can feel it. I’m saying, “No, no, no, no” when I WANT to be saying “Yes, yes, yes, yes.” Yep, it’s a fear of trust. I started to float down the river for a second and leapt up so fast I almost gave myself whiplash.
I fear messes. I don’t want to, hence the push and pull that is causing me anxiety and complications. Enough talking about where I want to go, and let me talk about the hurdles that keep appearing because I’m pretending I don’t see them on my way…
My mom tried to raise us to be middle class, but we bore the tell-tale signs of “poor”, and I am positively plagued by this now. I am painfully aware of every detail of my life that leads me to feel like people see me as poor (and therefor not of worth). Like my house being so dirty it makes people uncomfortable to be in, my kids’ clothes being stained and their hair unkept, my own slovenly appearance, my dirty and dinged-up van that makes a ticking sound (even the hippy stickers on the back window aren’t a band aid for “poor”), or my verbal onpouring when someone shows just a hint of interest in REALLY hearing about how I am doing. Realizing I just stepped over the class line with someone who cares = shameful embarassment for me (I should know better, etc.). And I don’t use the word “shame” lightly.
I have tried embracing this radically as a protest against class, as an opportunity to redefine the labels I use to identify myself (like “hippy” instead of “poverty”), and as an experiment in understanding my relationship with control, perfectness, self-acceptance, and mess. I’m grateful for all the intricacies of the journey, and I think I feel better today about the state of my home and my life than the 10-years-ago-me would have felt about the current state of my home and my life. Maybe that is progress, since my goal is to stretch and grow. But today my life feels like much more of a mess than my life 10 years ago did. Or maybe I’ve just traded in the mess? I was an emotional mess in a highly controlled environment, and today I am high controlled emotionally in a messy environment. Hahaha, okay, I am highly controlled emotionally, only in relation to the mess I was before! LMAO
What it comes down to is I feel something is off, and I can’t tell if it is inside me or outside of me. The journey to the answer is very long, and sometimes I wish it were shorter. And it’s a biggie in our lives, as we go from a “homeschooling bookshelf” to a “family-learning life”.
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| Why does it look better when SHE does it? |
Life
Life is a big thing, isn’t it? I mean, it’s full of so much diversity — I am in awe when I try to fathom the breadths and depths of the diversity of life. Life is full of ecstatic highs and dark mucky lows, and it usually follows a cycle that goes something like “birth, living, death, rebirth.” This week has been a lot of that…
On Sunday of last week, I realized that my female puppy was sick, so I lined up some financial assistance for a vet visit and brought her in. That vet was painfully unhelpful, and I left more of a mess than when I had gotten there. So, I went to another vet, who seemed more capable of answering my questions and easing my anxiety about the whole thing. Both vets assuring me that it was serious but (although they couldn’t guarantee anything) she wouldn’t die in the morning, before I was able to come back for treatment. I knew she was so sick, and it broke my heart.
The next morning, she was indeed dead <3 Maybe some people won’t get how this impacted me, but I had loved them as much as any baby of mine. I was plagued with all the doubt and guilt and pain any mama would be. I raced my boy puppy into the vet (in place of his sister) and found out they had parvo. The vet was so very grave to tell me this. I’d researched it before when we thought that our female had it right after we had gotten her, so I knew a bit, but I wasn’t aware of the statistics that the vet shared with me: parvovirus is so serious that only 80% of dogs treated at the hospital made it, and a devastating 15% made it through home treatment.
Well, I knew he would make it. I saw him in our lives for a long time, so I was sure he was going to pull through, but I was afraid of how much pain he would suffer through and how much it would require from me. Today is Sunday, again, and he has started eating today (hasn’t eaten in 3 or 4 days), stopped tossing liquids back up yesterday, and has found a renewed interest in chasing the cats. We made it. Still recovering, but we made it <3
I mourned my girl for a couple days, crying buckets at the drop of a dime, but it got drowned out in the caring for Kai. The only one who misses her more than me is him. In fact, I could barely assess his state because he is so depressed about losing his sister. He was there for every minute. He knows how she was taken from us. I’ve processed so much of the guilt and sadness, and I feel just grateful for how she blessed our lives by gracing us with her presence for the short 4 months that we had her. Her death has spurred some rebirth in our lives, birth of renewed appreciation for Kai, birth of revisiting how I feel about vaccinations for my pets and other safety and quality of life stuff, birth of being reminded of how grateful we are for life and for living.
In addition to fighting for life with my puppy, I found myself fighting with a family member who I have always wanted to be close with but felt so much anxiety concerning. We have a long history (family – duh! lol), so there was a lot for me to revisit. It was such an amazing opportunity for self-reflection and practicing being true to me. Every scathing detail was exquisitely delicious, as I learned that I am more confident in myself than ever before and that nothing that could be said by said family member could harm my tender innards. There were more amazing lessons than I could remember (processed and integrated!) or express (without boring you to pieces). We will just say that some of my deepest fears of life bounced off of me like rubber bullets :) In fact, so much of the negative judgments that I once held about myself and am aware from others, I am now able to embrace and see as a success :))
For example, what once felt slightly like I fail at romantic relationships, I now see as my success at holding together a rich and loving relationship while I could and being healthy enough to let it go when the time came for it. The fact that me and my last love still talk almost every day and can process things that come up together along the way tells me that I am very good at having healthy relationships :)) Go me! lol There were many other things that came up for me and for my beloved family member that had this same kind of “ah ha!” inspiring impact on me. It has left me on a total life high for a couple days now :)))))
Unclogging blockage in my life is liberating beyond words. I no longer have all that old stuff pooling and festering inside me in regards to this relationship, old outdated things that are irrelevant to this life that I have personally designed. Who knows what this relationship may be from this day forward, but I am excited to say in the very least it will be real and it will be present. Also, it inspires me in my ability to revisit some estrangement between my mom and I.
In the course of my deep and mucky week, Mother Earth decided to manifest her own deep and mucky growth. My heart goes out to Japan right now. I’ve missed most of the details, but I wanted to share something I read back when Australia had some serious flooding in January. It shifted my perspective on these kinds of things and on life in general. It was written by Wild Women on facebook, and I hope it helps you find peace and healing, too <3
“Birthing Woman. Waters break, gushing everywhere. Mess. Pain. Transition sets in. Out of control. Panic. Will I survive? Howling agony, please let this be over. The birth. Joy above joys. Relief! Time to clean up. Celebrate. Could it be the Mother is birthing? They called the Lockyear Valley flood an inland tsunami. …It feels like S…he is birthing and we are her midwives, whispering support, offering love and tender care. The birth was tough. And now the clean up. What is she birthing? Perhaps deeper heart connection between human beings, an opportunity to rebuild with ‘environmentally friendly’ as the key word, different approaches to building and farming. A clean start. We will gain more understanding as time passes what the bigger picture is. Meantime, for those caught in Her wake, those affected by her labour, we offer our tears. She is not revengeful, mean or unjust, just when we stand in her path we become part of Her journey.”
Wild Sacred Soul 