The Prodigal Woman
I know it has been a while since I have posted on here. I will be honest, I haven’t been feeling very insightful recently. The weird part is that I have been proud of myself for living more aligned with my values of love and peace through adversity than ever. But stress and some other things that feel “unaligned” seem to monopolize that place where insight used to grow and want to be shared from.
We have been just BEing recently. It has been free-ing, but I feel kinda unproductive. I had such big dreams for this RV-journey that we were going to embark upon. Now I feel like I am spinning my wheels (very slowly, even) in mud. I am trying to dream, to stay focused on my dreams. I think I used up all my motivation and inspiration LOL Now, I am replenishing? Who knows…
So, our plans at this point are to comandeer some land (LOL) and start building and growing a life. I need some stillness. I miss the comfort that comes with being in the same space over and over and over and over. I want to lay in one spot in the sun on the grass for about a month, I think LOL
I am ready for a small beautiful home nestled on big green faery land not too far from the beach, to build things and grow things, to live sustainably, to richly unschool my children, to create a face Tribe, to run my own business, to have the freedom to spontaneously travel, to love a partner and build together a wildly blissful life and family, with lots and lots and lots of stolen romance.
A place for building big dreams, treehouses, a big swing, animal habitats, playhouses, pillow forts, fairy gardens, labrynths, coy ponds, and anything else I can find on the internet to inspire me :)
I have sure come full circle. I wanted to get out of my house because I was feeling restless about just laying around browsing the internet at my will, feeling over-full on inspiration and needing experiences to live them. Now, I am reallllllly looking forward to just laying around browsing the internet at my will, feeling over-full on inspiration LOL
I am grateful for the journeys I have taken, even if they all end up leading right back to home. I guess that makes me a bit of an adventurer LOL I feel like the prodigal woman :)) And I have a whole new appreciation for it all. I love the life I have lived, the many adventures (often contrasting) that I have undertaken, and what meaning it all brings to my present. I love how thinking about it reminds me of the powerful manifestor that I am. I have really done a lot of things! I have felt so passionately about so much in my life — what a blessed life to have lived. Not that it is over. No, not at all :)))
I think I am learning to not take it all so seriously. I used to be such an extremist, like something I was going to do or was into was radically completely amazingly transforming everything in my life from the bottom up. Okay, so maybe it did. Maybe it’s just more normalized for me to radically change everything from the ground up now? Well, whatever it is, I feel less attached to the permanence I once felt about the whole thing.
I was afraid to grow on land, the way I want to now. I was afraid to invest in something that would ultimately be impermanent. But I have learned that I can beautify the world, even if I don’t stay with that spot forever. And I have learned that I will find another amazing wild chapter to pursue once this land chapter has died off in my heart. I don’t have to be afraid of something being amazing, or of something ending or being gone. I will keep on trekin’.
Home is…
…where the heart is.
This has a whole new meaning for me right now. It is oh-so-clear to me that home is the abode my heart is invested in being in. I have learned a lot about “home” recently. “Home” has changed so much. In the last couple years, we have lived in a huge house of our own, a medium house of our own, an RV of our own, a van of our own, and now staying with a friend in her home.
I used to struggle with feeling at home in our home. I had so many issues about it being clean enough, and then about it being too clean and feeling sterile. I was uncomfortable, and so I think people sensed my discomfort and felt uncomfortable, too. People didn’t come over and stay all day every day, and we didn’t have a lot of friends who we did that with, either.
I always longed for it. And I love love LOVE being here with my friends. Finally, I feel like I am living tribally, communally. This is such an amazing exercise in togetherness.
I love staying with my friend in her home, but I am ready to have our own home, to be in our own home.
I got into the RV knowing that afterward I was going to live in a house on some land and grow roots, family depth, and everlasting community. I am ready to invest in some land, on some land, into some land. Our family is bursting with an abundance of ideas for our land, like a labrynth, a tree house, a garden, a huge sandbox, lots and lots of outdoor area for play and exploration. A swing for me and my beloved to sit in on a warm night or a beautiful day. A fort. A playhouse with a kitchen. All of this homemade, of course. Oh, yes. Yummy to my soul.
A lease-locked box attached to the earth didn’t sound appealing to me in the very recent past, even. But now, it feels like a breath of fresh air. I have so many ideas for the inside, too — little bits that make a house feel like a warm and inviting home, a place to grow a family and a love relationship and community of unschoolers and red-tenters.
Now to convince myself that this can be manifested as quickly as I manifested this RV lol
I’m ready. We all are <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Amazon Warrior Monk Rockstar
I felt strong, like an Amazon Warrior, and I quickly took to resonating with the title Amazon warrior monk.
I wasn’t expecting to feel more radiant and sexy than I remembered ever feeling before. I felt so fresh, so alive, so free. Just wow.
p.s.s. – I wrote this for Tara’s blog:
It was perfect, a part of the deep cleansing I was doing, a way to take what was inside and wear it outside, a symbol of new transformation in my life. I thought it was going to be a lesson in embracing my ugly – I wasn’t expecting to feel so radiant and sexy! I have bounds of clarity, especially in what is “other people’s stuff” and what’s mine (like how some people can see my beauty, some feel shaving my head is weird, and some people were way more attached to my curls than even I was). Sometimes I feel like a monk ripe with readiness for enlightenment, and sometimes I feel like a gypsy goddess extraordinaire. One thing is for sure, this is the mark of a new beginning for me. I feel reborn. I have been making some serious space in my life over the past few months, and I look forward to growing with my hair and appreciating it all in new ways. My curls are not what make me beautiful – I am.
What’s in a name…
I have a confession to make. For all my loving not fitting in boxes, I really love words that define something. As you can tell, I really love to write. I love playing with words, using them to create a feeling in another, using them to bring something that is inside me out of me, through some medium, and into you. Words are powerful things! They are like arrows pointing people to amazing places.
I have a dear friend who said once that we will have 9 names in our life. The first is chosen for us, and the remaining we chose for ourselves. The name my mother gave me upon my birth was Vanessa. In Hebrew it means “star” and in Greek it means “butterfly”. This was the PERFECT name for me. I resonate with the butterfly in the way that I transcend areas of my life, like names. My biggest name change was to Radical Mama. I am STILL Radical Mama (especially to some of my dearest friends). I always will be. And then wild zen – love it! Thank you for giving me that space to dwell and grow.
Both of those names have been me naming myself something that I was aspiring toward and then feeling ready for change once I felt I had achieved it.
I knew this winter that it was time to shed my name (like my hair) and redfine myself. But I am done looking at names like a house I may outgrow. I decided to pick a name that encompassed the very essence of my soul. I looked at myself in the mirror and called myself it to see if it fit. I wrote it several times to make sure I enjoyed the asthetics of it. I delved the depths of my insides, and I sat with names to see how they fit over time.
I had a WILD synchronis moment. A couple years ago, whilst pondering the fact that if I went on to be a midwife that I might put myself out of business because of my fierce trust of unassisted birth, I started having some conversations with a few of my amazing friends (I’m so blessed to have so many of those!). We started talking about outlaw midwivery (a midwife who defies the medical path and medical rules, to aid women in birth the way it has been done since life began), and I got this vision to create a comic called Outlaw Midwife, where the main character would be this kickass woman-empowering mountaintribe-dwelling afterbirth-supporting team-mama-rallying goddess guru, and I loved the “Om”-ness of the whole thing. Well, the outlaw midwife became Ooma. And I knew that she is me in the years after my children have grown to be adults. There is so much more to this vision, but the main point is Ooma. So….. A month ago-ish while I was searching for my name, I decided I needed a birth goddess in my name. I found a website and checked each name to see if it resonated with me, and the last name on the list was Uma “goddess of all things feminine, especially birth”. ABOUT KNOCKED MY SOCKS OFF!
But I don’t feel like my face is ready to be called Uma or Ooma just yet. There is another name is that perfect for now.
I am Soul. Wild Soul. Wild Soul Free.
And are you ready for this? I am going to change my name legally. I am ready to sever the ties to the name my mother gave me, to the person I once was and am not longer, ready to let go of my past and embrace my present and my future. Ready to let go of who I was to become who I am.
No, I am not going to legally change my name to Wild Soul LOL
Soul Uma Rose Free
OMGosh, my initials will spell SURF! SUPER cool :D Just noticed that….
Wild is going to be more like my title than a name ;) And I will finally have the same last name as my baby :D
Soul is so kickass, the Amazon Worrior monk, guru goddess, the embodiment of all things female (strong and hard, soft and flexible), radiant and reverant, reeking of wildcat sexiness and earthy sensuality ;)
Have I mentioned already that I have been practicing stepping into my power? It is quite exquisite and satisfying. More on that later. But Soul is powerful.
I am Soul. It’s nice to meet you <3
And in other name-changing news. How do you like the new blog feel?
Wildcraftingzen: the radical act of embracing life and simply being. That is what wildcraftingzen is: taking wild life and processing it inwardly to find peace. Oh yeah, baby! So, this blog is going to be a couple different things: my outward expression of an inward journey, and my jumping off point in businesshood. I am SO ready to do some work. Stepping into my power over here, and so ready to do this. READY to do this. Here I go!
I have more changes to make on the blog, as you will see as time unfolds. I read this quote recently that keeps coming back up inside me, and I can’t remember it word for word, but it goes something like, Self growth is like building a new ship from the ship you are already on while out to sea. The balance between stepping into the future and taking care of the present… What a fun dance it is :D
Rightness
Liberation, Stretch, Comfort, De-attach
When I look back on list of the themes of my last few years, I see how it looks like a fluid evolving of life and spirit. It didn’t feel like it though. More like a deep and heavy submersion into growth of the unknown and just when I am about to drown or break, I scramble to the top to gulp the fresh crisp air of clarity and then dive down in a totally different direction for a new phase of experience. In the great walk of life, now I see the seamless evolution.
Liberation was when I cleared a huge space in my life, called “a relationship that I had gotten my fill from and was no longer working for us”. When we walked in seperate directions, I did not feel like a woman scorned, I felt like a woman liberated! A big giant space in my life was cleared and healthy (because that beautiful relationship healed me and taught me in ways I never could have done alone <3 ), and now I could go wild in my new-found freedom :)
And I did — hence the stretch. The slow unfolding of understanding learning in a new paradigm. The stretch of self-trust through preparing for and experiencing my freebirth. The ferrel re-growth and awesome stretch of radical unschooling and consensual living and respectful connected parenting.
Then, in exhaustion from all the stretching and growing (OMG! Did I stretch and grow), I settled into comfort, like sinking into my favorite old worn couch, for a long winter’s night with a mug of hot chocolate and my favorite music playing in the background.
And in that comfort, I realized there was no real comfort in drowing in stuff and over-responsibility, and that I had my fill of newly acquired agoraphobia. I released my attachment to a house (or a “lease-locked box on land that wasn’t MINE”), a lifetime-acquired house full of stuff I loved and hated and often both simultaneously. Then I stepped into adventure and wound up releasing my attachment to control. Not done yet — thick in the deconstruction and healing, I followed my calling to wear my deep inner cleansing outside by releasing my attachment to my hair and my long-constructed notion of my beauty. And now, I feel like a radiant monk ripe with readiness for the next powerful step in my life-healing journey: rightness.
Armed with the tools to enable myself to feel liberation, to stretch wildly, to find deep dark healing comfort, and dettach from what’s no longer working, I am preparing for a journey to reflect, explore, and right the breadth and depths of things in my life that feel amiss. I have my work cut out for me. I’m going to be the chiropractor of my life and get myself aligned. And through this, I am going to grow (with my hair) in intention, so that when I step into my power (no doubt, my next step), I will not fear what will be magnified, what will explode from me, and where it will reach and take me. Thhis is the step I right the wrongs, seal the deal on peace with my past, and let go of the things that don’t feel right to me in every area of me and my life. I am so grateful for this foundation I stand upon to do this — I feel like I have the advantage and the warrior skills to defeat my foes… Wait, that’s not right ;) I am a chiropractor, not a seasoned Amazon warrior LOL I’ve been reading too many historical romance novels these days :))
I am ready to step into rightness with my body, in parenting, in relationships, with money, with my future career goals, and so much I can’t even see yet from my view of the valley outside my window. Yes, this is going to be an easy walk — not those mountains I have beared through climbing in my past. This is just an adjustment into rightness.
This Amazon warrior monk gypsy goddess earthmama extraordinaire has bit more prep to do before I am ready to start this newest journey, including (are you ready for this?) a new name — I know, you are so surprised ;) More on that later :)) I need to sit on it a bit more, feel it’s rightness first :)
Another shocker — my blog is getting a new name, too. This one is already determined. I’m just waiting to purchase the domain name before I share it with the world.
2012, I am SO effing ready for you!
This is Our Life
The novelty is wearing off. And we are still in love :))) Sorry to annihilate a suspenseful post — I’m just so excited to share LOL
I feel like we are going through the throes of life, and I keep checking in to see if we need to make some big changes (like give up our big dreams of a roadventure and settle back into a house), and I keep coming up with “This is still perfect”.
A house isn’t going to save us from the funk :) And even if it would be nice to sit or lay somewhere for a whole day or more, a house isn’t the “big picture cure”, so we find a place to sit or lay for as long as possible (which has been the library for us for the last 2 days — from open to close). I have gone inside on retreat. I opened up Netflix on my laptop for Noble, and he watched for 2 days straight (minus sleeping and hardcore park play the mornings before the library opened up). And I read. I finished 3 partially-read books the first day (I haven’t finished 3 books over the last 3 YEARS, so that was quite an accomplishment), and the next day I read a couple magazines put out for counselors, which helped me get through my block to being a guru.
I feel rejuvinated and ready for my next step in life. I have so many ideas that revolve around travel. Eek! I am thinking about putting on free workshops in various community centers across the country about living big dreams. Oooh, Living Big Dreams — I LOVE that name!
I really want to live my calling. I have been thinking so much about that recently. I have been wondering what my Message is, how it is similar and how it is different from other messages that are close to me. I have been in creative mode — thinking of a million ways to create in various areas of my life.
If I were a goddess (and I am, ask Goddess Leonie), what would I be the goddess of? Ooooooh, how do I narrow it down to just one thing? LOL Self Truth? Self Design? Enthusiastic Living? Actualizing Big Dreams? Ooooh, so much deliciousness :)) Still need to find the most core-est (LMAO) connection between the 2, because THAT is it, I think :)) Every venture in my life has come from that place, and what an adventure it has been! LOL
According to Heather Madder, our whole life is created and meant to hone, challenge, and experience our life message. What has my whole life revolved around? Self, definitely…. Being true to myself. Grasping for big dreams and making them happen. Learning to Trust my Truth and mywholeself. Taking off my blinders and following the callings inside me for new direction. Shaking off old bits and growing up to the sky. Letting go and allowing in the seasons life experiences. Living more NATUREly. Ditching my shackles and dancing a life of free.
I’m seeing that theme again…
I know this can’t just be my message. I know I am not the only naturally-carefree-spirited child who grew up to be reserved and afraid. I know connecting with fellow Sunshine People will help us all BURST out of the thick heavy clouds that we carry around us to keep our sun rays inside, safe.
I think there is a reason that my enthusiasm is contageous for people — it is my calling, and a part of my message.
I think I just found that connection between Self and Truth and Dreams…. My Dreams and my Self are One, and this is Truth. Hmmmm, gonna sit with that for a while today and see if it is the core-est Truth of my message.
Free self and dreams. Ooooh, I like it :)) Gonna take it and run :))
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| This is like a view of our life… |
Togetherness
Years ago, I left my son’s dad and revelled in my singleness. I knew I had some serious “self” to figure out. Although, I never would have admitted it then, the only thing really wrong with our relationship was that I was not at peace within and so could never be at peace with him, nor provide the peace he might be able to reflect in his own healing. We both needed some “self” time. Even though I have been on a Quest of Self for as long as I can remember, that path-splitting was a very important imparting into a serious journey of self. I knew it then, and every step since has been on that path. Self… Knowing myself, loving myself (real true love, pure, unconditional, waves of it washing over to heal me and nourish me), getting my fill of myself until I was so full that I was ready to step outward and be with the world.
Oh, the exquisite path I took…. chocked full of deep reflection time in large bulk quantities, exploration into myself and outside of myself, spoken words to things that were once held deeply inside and needed to be set free, realignment of my Life (the big picture) and my life (the dailyness) to manifest my most treasured values and interests, heaps of experiences to remind me what self-trust was and what the meaning of my life was to me. Big gulping radical steps. Often painful (kinda like pulling out stakes that have made me stuck for too long), usually joyful (realizing and partaking in my new-found freedom), and more often than not exquisite-although-initially-unsure (like going to a chiropractor and getting an adjustment and not quite being sure how you feel about getting your bones all cracked until you walk out feeling high on life and wellness).
Most recently was possibly my biggest radicalest transition, from a life of “acquired stuff” to “serious minimalism”, from “licking old wounds” to “letting go and moving on”, from “healing” to “wellness”, from “reading about” to “experiencing”, from “old cycles” to “new life”, from “a million prioreties in breadth” to “a few prioreties in depth”, from “doing what I thought was normal and what everyone else was doing and not understanding why it wasn’t working for me” to “self-designing my life from the ground up and finally learning that I am not broken – fish are not made to be measured by how well they can climb walls”. I’m just a fish – a nomadic, free-living, water-loving, kid-friendly fish. I am a Life bender – watch how I move [that was for fellow Avatar: The Last Airbender fans]. And my own personal measure of success: I can meet someone who I think will be able to “see into me”, and I am not afraid, and I am 99% not afraid of what they will find!
I have officially gotten my fill of “Self” (in the context of walking and healing alone), at least up to this point in my life. Dawning within me and stretching out into my life is now The Age of Togetherness. I finally feel ready for relationships in my life. You can only begin to imagine how huge that is for my life. I felt like typing it deserved a dramatic music introduction and that it should then be blinking bright vibrant colors with confetti strewn all about it. Let me say it again:
For a girl who has longed for relationships her whole life, but had much to sort out first, this is amazing. And just in time, don’tcha think? :)) I feel like I have a very solid foundation of self, a clear understanding of where I end and another begins, and can finally feel Safe being unsafe, Comfortable being uncomfortable, and Sure being vulnerable. These are key ingredients for building relationships, me thinks currently :)) I have many natural relationship-friendly qualities, but my biggest asset is applying my own relationship with myself to others <3
So, to kick off this journey, Life threw a few big-timers. I guess Life felt that if I could handle such huge situations with family of origin, the rest would be a piece of cake :)) It certainly stretched me in new ways and helped me see some new and very self-affirming things (part of the transition from “self” to “togetherness”, I am sure).
Life is always playing with relativity, isn’t it? The whole story of the boy whose horse runs off and everyone says it is bad, and then it comes back with a mare and everyone says it is good, and then the wild mare breaks the boys arm (or something) and on and on. What is REALLY realllllllly — I mean, REALLLLLLLLLLY objectively “bad”? It’s all good ;) Or maybe it’s not “good” either, it just is? And maybe how someone interprets these things says more about the person than the situation? Yes, I think so. Oh, but it is delicious to ride the ride, isn’t it? Sometimes? Because I have a deep-seeded trust and faith that it’s all Good, I enjoy surfing the waves of “the good, the bad, and the ugly”. I am a Pisces, and we are very emotional beings, and I embrace that in myself and my life. I love to cry and to rejoice and to sink down low and to rise again. I am fine with all of it, because I am not scared of any of it, because I believe it is the fun of living, because I have felt the cleanse that comes from allowing the flow. I trust it, especially if I feel drawn to it.
I love how all of this has nothing and everything to do with togetherness :)) I love how life is all interconnected, like an afghan whose rainbow colors may not seem to be connected, but they all started from the same thread and the whole knitted quilt would be affected and effected by what happens to one.
I am realizing that there is only so much healing, so far I can go alone. I feel like I have gone as far as I can. I have been a die hard do-it-yourself-er, and now I am ready to do it all with someone else, or hopefully, many more “else”s ;) No more being stopped by social anxieties – instead leaning into them and see where they take me. I am excited about this whole new adventure before me. I am excited about the reflection I will be seeing of myself in others, so that I can get more real with myself and understand myself better. I am excited about all that this will mean for my Life, for my living experiences, for my future Path in relationships, for the relationships I have with my children (and the role model I am for them), for the people in my life who are blessed to have me as I am now and will be transformed by the upcoming experiences. It is just thrilling all over the place :))
Now that I truly love myself, am really really learning how to accept myself unconditionally, trust myself wholly, and am so madly in love with my Life and our living, I feel like I can finally extend that to others.
Alright, Beloveds, I am ready for you. Are you ready for me? :)
Laid to Rest
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| I wish a picture could capture and words describe what this feels like for me: plush green grass to stretch out on and my grandma’s handmade quilt liberated from a box to live in nature and participate in memory-making again ♥ |
I posted this picture and caption on Facebook 4 days before. This quilt, the fact that my grandmother made it with her hands, and I was giving it a new life… It has all been very profound to me on this journey. Almost every day I spread it in the grass and lay on it, and the bright colors in contrast to the grass, and the comfort it provides — they have been one of the highlights of the journey so far.
I posted this picture on Facebook 4 days before my grandmother passed away. I did not know my grandmother very well. I heard she was a firecracker all her life, and I know she had a lot of healing to do, which made her absent most of my life (until I was an adult). I spent very little time with her, and most recently, it was very difficult, as her beginning stages of dementia made what I thought would be an amazing intergenerational experience a sad and frustrating visit. She died thinking I didn’t like her. Now it is too late to tell her that she just stirred me in uncomfortable personal ways, places that I wasn’t ready to grow yet.
Because I didn’t have a lot of memories with her, my first initial reaction was that I have now lost the last of a whole generation in my life. What a big open space that just created.
Because I didn’t have a lot of memories with her, I am saddest for the stories that have been silenced and never told. Her stories. Her family’s stories, that I will never know now. I am sad for the memories that could have been made.
This has all been laid to rest.
And today, on this quilt, I lay to rest, during the most alive and thriving time of my life. And this quilt, made by the hands of my grandmother, is an integral part of this experience and adventure.
I honor her by living with this quilt.
I honor her by taking the time to stretch and grow in the ways I wasn’t ready to before.
Maybe I will do it while laying on her quilt, wrapped in her love, knowing she is still around, if not in the physical. And she is with me to still process all this stuff.
Be in peace, Grandma Sylvia <3
This Self-Guided Journey
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| Yes, another pic of the road from the driver’s seat :) |
I am a radical unschooler to the depths of me. I am proud to be realizing how deeply I have internalized this philosophy that feels so right in my head and in my heart. Maybe that is why I am so easily integrating it? I feel like it and I are the same.
So far, the last few months have been an experience of opening myself up to the raw, to the authentic, to searching for alignment during all of this. I often feel lost and overwhelmed by what I have done. Sometimes, I wonder what the heck I just did. Once or twice I have even asked myself if this was the right thing to do.
Parts of me wants to climb back under the covers and bury myself in familiar comfort. But a bigger part of me has undertaken an adventure, and the deepest depths of my soul reply with a resounding yesssssssssss, when I ask if this was right. (Plus, I can crawl up on a blanket in a park and get the same comfort — oh, yeah, baby!)
It can be scary, but it is right. Even if I regret that I gave up my free housing to return to someday, even if I am already ready to ditch the RV. I never would be where I am right now if I hadn’t experienced what I have so far. I never would have been ready for a house again if I hadn’t ditched the house I had and given my all to this path. I always would have wondered about this RV if I hadn’t followed the inside of me that said it was right — it didn’t have to be right for forever, but it was right when it was right.
This is a self-guided journey, and I am thankful that I am very attuned with my self. I know what I want, even if I am not always sure how it is going to happen. Sometimes, I get scared when I feel something calling me — I am not always trusting of myself or my journey, and that is shifting more and more.
I get questioned a lot (who doesn’t when they exit the throes of traditional living?). Now that I am internalizing “I am a self-trust master”, I feel less inclined to justify myself or even answer questions. Is it my job to calm other’s fears about my life (especially when every answer has been covered in depth in my blog LOL)? I think there are no better answers than to just live it and let people see. And people often seem uncomfortable when someone isn’t sure about things, so it is just easier to keep living my truth on my path, than express to people that I don’t know something but that it is okay. I am flying by the seat of my pants, and this is AMAZING right now! It is meant to be, and it is healing, and it will all be okay.
It is okay. I can comfort people in their anxiety about my path, the way I wish I had been comforted as a child with anxiety… It’s okay, and I will be present with you until you feel okay (even if it is just holding a space of “okay” in our relationship).
I am feeling very strongly aligned with my truths these days. Moreso than ever before. I guess when I cleared away all the gunk piled on top of my Truth, my Truth is clearer and more demanding. It’s been quite a treat coming out of denial (and I don’t mean the river in Egypt) about things. Getting real. And I mean real real. Like “f*ck it if they don’t get it” real — I’m tired of all the busywork. Tara calls this “nailing it”. At least, I hope this is it… I’m still in the early learning stages.
This self-guided journey means that it is guided BY me, OF me, FROM me, FOR me. And that may mean that folks see me driving in circles, crying and feeling lost, and appearing to backstep, but it is all forward, and it is all coming from within — a self-guided journey.
It is Fall, and I am LIVING deconstruction right now, watching things die away from my life, celebrating old leaves drying up and becoming compost for new growth. I am looking forward to hybernating for a while this Winter in retreat, and then rebirthing like a pheonix this Spring. By Summer, I should be rejuvinated and bursting with life! Haha, as if I am not already… hahahahahah
Today has been a chocolate-covered macadamia nut day, with my journal close. I started the day in sweats and boots and a hoodie — oh yeah, THAT kind of day. Yummy for the insides :))
I am ready to undertake probably one of the biggest parts of this journey: social anxieties. I am ready to heal through relationships, ready to meet my peeps in person and be vulnerable and authentic and invite rejection and acceptance. How F-ing scary! These people I have been loving and sharing with for years, who know the depths of my soul but not how I am actualizing them or not — will they see me and “catch me” being an imposter? Will they see through me and see that I am just a wanna be, a poser? Will they see inside me, and will they unconditionally accept what they find? Can I?
Even bigger than that, can I be comfortable leaning on them for help? Found a landmine — I will be back about that later.
Alright, enough babbling about my view of my journey from this spot.
Please, PLEASE share with me about how you exercise being assured of your own self-guided journey.
p.s. – I forgot to mention my whole point, which was that I trust my path, and I am just following it for what it is. I know all the answers I have been searching for are on the journey when I stop resisting.
Reclaiming My Childhood
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| My view whilst swinging |
People who know me face-to-face may be surprised to know what I have been up to recently. For all my radicalness, I am quite conservative in person — not because I value it, but because I am still scared to burst out of my shell in front of people. I have been called weird more than once, and I have internalized that there is something wrong with that. Well, that internalization is being evicted :)) Weird, here I come :)))
I used to LOVE being active when I was a child. I did all sorts of physical activities. As I became an adult, I let those things go. Recently, I have become very NOT active. So, I am reclaiming that part of my childhood. I have been up to all manner of my childhood favorites: the glee of swinging every chance I get, racing down slides after my little ones, learning how to ride a Razor scooter, buying myself a pair of rollerblades (!!!!) (from Goodwill, my size, sparkly dark purple — SO meant for me), running around a grassy park kicking a ball with my kids, trapsing up and down the beach as many times as we just do rather than trying to limit the trips, exploring places where I could fall (like the jetty), going for hikes, racing down to the beach at night to play tirelessly in the glowing water…
I think that wanting to travel with the van as homebase is a sort of revisiting travelling with my mom and brother in our minivan when I was a teenager and life was so simple in the van, and life was more about experiences and less about stuff, when I delighted living from a suitcase, when I stretched and grew in ways I never would have imagined, when I saw landscapes that strummed the heartstrings of my spirit and my soul, when I met people from so many different walks of life and learned to embrace the beauty of diversity.
This time around, I get to appreciate it in ways I couldn’t imagine last time.
Last time, I was like a big open cup, just pouring these experiences in without really processing them and digging deeper into the ways that they were impacting me. I love that (the sifting) about being an adult, as much as I love the open rawness of being a kid.
Maybe this is a common part of life? It kind of reminds me of how being a parent is almost like closing a loop about having been parented. It feels like it completes a circle, as I can only imagine watching my child become a parent seals that loop! But I am not a crone, yet, so I am still in mother mode :))
Maybe this adventure is another chapter of finding peace with my past? Btw, even if this is true, the adventure alone is about way more than just that! But while we are on the topic of healing pasts, I can see this filling some empty spots.
Shortly after we settled back down and started growing roots (after moving often and travelling), I never wanted to move/travel like that again. I felt like I had missed out on so much by not staying in one place for a long time. I grew roots — boy, did I grow roots. I stayed in the same town for 17 years. I was careful to provide the stability I thought was best, for Kassidy — she went to the same daycare as far back as she remembered, the same school, we lived in the same apartment complex for 6 years…. And then when she was in 3rd grade, a shift happened. She wanted to shake things up a bit, wanted some change, wanted new friends and different experiences. We had to move, and she was THRILLED about it! Then, change just kept happening, and it felt so wonderful.
Finding unschooling was a sort of healing, because it helped explain the form of learning through living we had done while travelling (not formal homeschooling). It probably paved the way to me finding peace with all the unconventionalness and movement of my childhood. I also probably got my fill of growing roots and was ready for something new. Even though I ultimately trust that my kids will figure out their own journey and find peace with whatever decisions I make that may “mess them up” as they get older, I feel more confident that I can avoid those giant pitfalls altogether. Afterall, I can draw off of personal experience, and our parenting/family interaction style is healing along the way, as well.
Closing loops. Reliving my childhood. Reprocessing my childhood.
Good stuff.
It’s All Downhill to the Beach
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| This is so symbolic of our journey |
I was born in a town by the ocean, and lived in this giant county for 10 years of my life, until we moved to New Mexico and then Colorado and travelled all over the US. Then we moved back to this town by the ocean that I was born in (that is now a city). We have been here for 17 years.
Once I got over missing the Rocky Mountains, I really loved living so close to the ocean. I can feel it inside me, the pull. I have always loved the idea of the beach, although all that sand that gets in nooks and crannies and is hard to walk on has actually been a barrier to enjoying the beach.
I am a Pisces — I am water. I am soooooo water. One of the biggest parts about living nomadically is being able to be as changeable as water needs to be.
Once I started selling everything we own, it all just flowed. The whole experience just flowed. We spent a lot of time working on the RV and postponing the adventures that come from living in the RV. But once we got to a point where the RV was done enough, we went to the harbor and stayed there for 4 days. That was when I fell in love with the beach, sand and all. In fact, the sand in nooks and crannies suddenly was a reminder that we were living on the beach, and it was wonderful.
We found peace in the sand, and the walk on the jetty still lingers in my awareness.
I feel so connected to the ocean and to the beach life right now, I can only begin to explain. Where the RV is parked right now is a block away from the beach, and we wake up to the sight of the ocean from our bedroom window. It feels so right to be so close to the beach. We have been staying pretty close to it in our adventures.
The picture above was taken on one of those adventures by the beach. The hill just led right down to the beach, and it seemed somehow symbolic of our life right now, in a way that I wasn’t ready to explore just yet… Now I am.
Our life has been downhill to the beach over the last few months — downhill (the flow of the simplification process) to the beach (I seem to be have been led to the beach and can’t leave). The beach, the ocean is so symbolic to me. The ocean has always called me, being the water woman I am, and now I can be with it; the beach has been a barrier that is now “not easy” but brings it’s own “life symbolism” that I have been enjoying soaking in.
Living in the RV really is much easier than living in a house. I feel like it is downhill. SO easy. I mean, other than the whole “stuff keeps breaking” bit. I think staying in the van will be even easier. The less distractions from what’s important, the better :))
It’s all downhill to the beach…
Picking Up the Pieces
I have had a nice little adventure in “deconstruction land”, where I realized some deep and powerful barriers in my life. I can’t wait to share them with you. I have felt like a mess for a couple days, and now I am picking up the pieces, a bit more mindful than before, a bit more aligned than before, a bit more able to design my life than before.
Tara describes it best… These barriers are like a wall that you keep bumping into. Oh, was I bumping. In fact, they were so deeply a part of my foundation that I couldn’t even see them. I am very blessed to be doing some digging deep and Organic Life Coaching with Tara (from The Organic Sister). She was able to catch stuff that I couldn’t see. It has been amazing — not all happy, wonderful stuff. Just A.MAZ.ING. Revelation after revelation. She is so intuitive, and she picks stuff up before I even know it is there, and she really nails it when I am doing something I am not even aware of. She is awesome — shameless plug for her :))
So, what is this stuff I have been realizing that has been shaking my world, you may ask?
I justify. So so so sososososososososo badly. In fact, once she mentioned it and I started digging, I realized that almost everything I do (outside of just DOING something) is justifying, be it to myself or to others. It is really shaping my awareness in relationships — some relationships are heavy with me feeling like I need to justify myself, and some I feel so free knowing they believe the best and there is no need. It is helping me pave my path in friendships.
The reason I justify myself is because I am still practicing being a self-trust master. When I look back on how far I have come in self-trust, I see how awesomely far I have come. What I can see that is left is not justifying my crazy ventrues, my callings in life, my wildness. Does a master justify themselves to people who are in doubt? Especially in a “please understand and accept my path because I need your support” kind of way? Heck no! They just go about their life being true to their Truth. Being a self trust master is a form of ninja — stay deeply centered, avoid attacks, maintain daily. I am working on embodying the affirmation that I am a self-trust master. I can feel it growing from my heart out into my limbs. It feels AMAZING.
I get this serious anxiety around cleanliness and clutter and many more things. I have been trying to unpack it for a couple years. I haven’t been able to find the root of it, and then, as I was already below the surface for some other stuff, I tapped into the “anxiety plant” and think I located the root: “when things are dirty, bad things happen”. I was punished as a child for dirtiness (mostly by my well-intentioned stepmom), and me being the “pleaser” that I have always been really internalized the lesson. Realizing this made punishment *click* for me. It’s not always an intentional punishment, like being grounded… it can be as simple as a look or an exhale of just the right length. I internalized a lot of punishment (anxiety-causing stuff), and I think this accounts for the bulk of my anxiety in life. WHEW! That was helpful!!!
Another is that I realized that I can stop digging deep. This has been an AMAZING realization. It may seem obvious to others, but not for me. I mean, I was digging like a maniac. I just kept digging, not trusting that I was far enough, that this was enough, that I am good now. I didn’t trust that I could assess when I am done digging on something — I thought I was not digging deep enough. Becoming a self-trusting master and realizing the bulk of my anxiety stems more from conditioning than some unbeknowst (sounds like a word to me!) thing I was missing has helped with this.
And lastly, I am getting real with myself and letting go of the denial I am in on stuff. If I am resistant to something, it’s because I am in denial about something concerning it. I’m trying to get real with as many of those things as possible. Usually, I am in denial because I try hard to intentionally be different or feel differently. I am going to get real before I try to build on that thing with intention.
…….. so.
That crash course update was about as fast as it came to me, too. This has been over the last, like 2 weeks! That is a LOT for 2 weeks.
That is what I love about living on the road (okay, so I haven’t left the county yet — I’m still “on the road”!). Once I got rid of the rug, I had to deal with all the crud I had been hiding under it! That was totally intentional. I am arranging life in such a way that my experiences will facilitate the learning I am wanting in my life, for my life. The road is ruthless — it doesn’t allow you a rug to sweep crap under or space to run and hide from it. The road is more like a magnet, drawing in experiences to help you deal with the crud. Deal with it, or keep having problems.
One last bit to what I have been dealing with is bigger than I have explored yet, and that is my “issues” in social situations. I have had serious social anxieties that are all being thrown up in my face as I am having more and more interactions with people and leaning on friends more than I ever would have wanted to. Feelings of unworthiness, fear of loss, frustration over differences… oh, yeh, baby — it’s all surfacing and demanding processing before I drown.
The other thing that has happened in this adventure so far, that has been way more than I expected, is the wonderfulness of experiences with my children. We are on the move daily. I have been needing this in my life, in my unschool journey. Facebook has become my homeschool portfolio, chocked full of pictures and snippets of what fills our days :)
This adventure has already been way more than I even dreamed of, all over the place.
Vanpacking
– it’s like backpacking, only the van does all the work.
Can you believe that after living in the RV for a month and half, I am still feeling like we are living with so much excess, like I haven’t whittled away enough, like *stuff* is still getting in the way of experiences, and an RV is too big and too much?
Simpler. Smaller. Easier.
Pluses about the RV
- it has a bathroom
- it is indoors and house-like for rainy days and family/input days
- it has a fridge and kitchen in general
- it’s gorgeous on the inside
Pluses about traveling in the van
- gas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- go places 3 times as fast or only spend a third of the gas money
- smaller (easier to maneuver and park)
- only the very most important *stuff* present (allowing for the most experiences)
- more space above the bed (in the RV above the cab is about 2 feet, in the back of the van would be like 3 or 4 feet!)
- we would be invisible — no one notices a silver minivan
- the van is MUCH more reliable (newer, better condition engine, etc.)
The RV is feeling heavy to me — it’s so high maintenance. And it’s an eye sore on the outside until I can paint it, which feels like it will never get done! I am all about beauty, AND I don’t want to get treated worse (classism and all).
I am looking to have a very specific journey. I don’t know the details, but I know it requires dumping the excess shit in my life and getting real. I’m so tired of so much!!!!!!! I am realizing that I used to be agoraphobic and a slight hoarder, and I am realizing just how stopped my life was for so many years. I buried my self under layers of anxiety and stuff, and I am trying to uncover me and get to know me. I need some retreat, some time to have lots of experiences (especially with my children), to find something that is lost.
This is a spiritual quest, a soulful journey. I am looking for something, and I don’t know what it is or where exactly it is, but I know it is on this path and I will know when I have it.
I am thinking about taking the van for a trip up the west coast — just strapping some surfboards and a solar panel to the roof of my van, building a bed frame in the back of it for an uber-comfy bed, piling our stuff under the bed, and hitting the open road. I think I need the simple mobility, the retreat, the ocean, my books and writing supplies, and plenty of space to deconstruct and regrow, the family solitude, the Tribe experiences (meeting some of my Tribe along the way), and room for the unexpected.
Somehow, we will head back down here, especially in time for Thanksgiving in a super cool RV campsite for 2 weeks (blessings from a dear new friend) and decide what we want to do at that point. Do we want to sell the van, sell the RV, travel in the van a bit longer and return to the RV after making our national tour we had planned before, or something else entirely.
I think I really need this trip. I think I really need to do this in the van. I feel absolutely crazy, but not crazy enough. I really want to embrace my crazy and be real.
The Path of the Jetty
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| Our view of the beach from our spot on the jetty :)) |
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| When I see this picture, may I always remember how empowered I felt that day… |
Peace in the Sand
I am still soaking in the soul nourishment from our overnight camping at the beach. It started upon arrival. We found the perfect spot, overlooking the playground, next to the new bathrooms, and within eyeshot of a firepit we wanted to nab that night. An amazing soul sister and her family came to join us for a bit of fun at the playground, then blessed us with the means to spend the night there.
This mama was in Pisces heaven!
I took a gazillion pictures and spent SO.MUCH.TIME just reflecting and standing in awe of how our time was perfectly unfolding.
After our friends/family left, we ran down to the water, where the kids played and I explained some stuff about the ocean to my Pisces son (like how the tides work and how sea creatures once lived in the shells we were finding).
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| I am home |
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| We found peace in the sand |
The kids got wet and sandy, and we headed back up to rinse off in the showers, as some new friends of ours showed up to bar-b-que with us.
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| The sun starting to set |
The food and the company was delicious — complete with the s’mores :)) We quickly realized that the firewood we (overpricedly) purchased was not going to be enough to get us through the bar-b-que even, so Kass went on a hunt for more firewood and blessed us with some HUGE heavy pieces that I knew would last us all night :))
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| The firepit was magic, toasty, incredibly healing. |
After our friends left, me and the kids just sat there with the fire — the kids did a bit of dancing around to their favorite tunes, and Kass serenaded us to her favorite YouTube videos until her phone died. And we just sat. Noble fell asleep in my arms. I sat there for a long time thinking, “This is it. This is what this is all about.”
After I went and laid him inside the RV (and Kass stayed inside to read), Najaia and I grabbed my drum and headed back out to the firepit. It was a full moon. Let me back up a bit…. When I was pregnant with Najaia, I developed a burning desire to drum, so for my birthday right after she was born, I bought a djembe drum off Craigslist with background and energy I could vibe with :) I had plans to visit drum circles and hula hoop jams :) Well, we haven’t left the house with it, but the kids have enjed showing me what natural drummers they are inside :)) I, personally, seem to not be made for drumming, as I cannot keep a rhythm to save my life.
So, I bring the drum down to the firepit. And Najaia and I get comfy and start drumming together. I close my eyes and think of the full moon, and let the full moon channel through me. I can’t say the sound was necessarily something I would proudly display, but it flowed through me and was a first step on my drum-playing-learning journey <3 What was most amazing was the magic that Najaia and I shared. As you can imagine, her and I don’t get a lot of alone time together. This was extra-special :))
That night, I got to fall asleep to the sound of waves crashing at the shore… *melt*
The next morning, Najaia awoke with me, and we headed out to the playground to play, where I met an amazing hippy mama with kids spaced almost exactly like mine! I kept thinking, gosh, now that I have gotten out of the house in the last month and a half, I am meeting the most AWESOME people! Noble awoke while we were at the playground, and after our friends left, I grabbed my drum, and me and the babies headed down to the water.
The beach was almost empty (early morning, school in session), and that was where the drumming magic happened. It started with the kids drumming (and Najaia dancing, too)
and then it was my turn to drum. I channeled the ocean and listened to the drum, and it seemed my arms knew what to do, and my hands, too. It sounded AMAZING! Suddenly, the drum was a wonderland of sounds and feels and movements.
What rose up out of me was definitely drum-circle worthy. I was REALLY jamming. It was so awesome.
Noble asked if we could go up to the playground and I explained that I was playing for the waves. Suddenly, a wave starts climbing up the sand toward us – probably 10 feet of recently-wet sand, and at least 15 feet of dry sand… and stops about 4 feet from us. I was in awe and almost leapt up and cheered. I silently thanked the ocean for the greeting, the acknowledgement that I was playing for her. I look down the beach as far as I can see and see that it only came up that high in about 3 spots.
Noble’s jaw has practically dropped. He takes the drum and starts drumming.
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| still drumming almost 20 minutes later |
He drums the tide in <3
Finally, he gets the sand-climbing wave he was waiting for :)) We decide to join Najaia in water play :))
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| digging for sand crabs |
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| running away from the wave |
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| Off on an adventure :) |
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| Cutest baby feet pic I have ever seen :)) You can see her little pink-with-black-spots toenails :) |
Then we head back up to the RV with plans to walk out on the jedi (sp? — the rock entrance/exit to the harbor). After we get changed, the sound of seals “ar-ar-AR”ing draws the babies to the boat docks part of the harbor :))
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| The CUTEST cloth diaper EVER, special made for Najaia from her Auntie MB — it’s a purple tiedyed star! |
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| Kass joins us :)) |
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| Sisters <3 |
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| Doing what boys do <3 (or what my kids do LOL) |
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| Making her sister feel better <3 |
As it turns out, there were 4 seals sunbathing in the water :)) (and one playing and “ar-ar-AR”ing :))
I really wanted to get out on the jedi, and we had a birthday party to attend, so the time was a bit crunched. So, I talked the kids into going back to the RV with me to get ready for our hike out into the ocean :)) We ended up eating lunch (bread, bree, and apples — YUM!), and when we headed out of the RV, we ran into a dear friend who happened to be at the playground with her daughter! So, we stuck around with them for a little while.
Wow, she touched my heart by expressing how encouraging my journey (via facebook) has been for her recently. We hugged for a long time. It was just what I needed to seal up the beach visit. I showed her the inside of the RV (hahaha, in all it’s messiness!), and we said good bye. As I drove away, I felt the peace lingering. We stopped to dump our tanks and made new friends (full-timers of 10 years currently renting some horse-land property in Vista).
I love this life.
i. love. this. life.
BEing in Nomads Land
In another life I was a stressed out mama of 3 children, a rapidly growing puppy, and 2 cats, with a big house to clean and care for and unlimited water, electricity, and internet. I had all the time in the world to sit on said internet, because I didn’t leave that big house very often. I am certainly a creature of comfort, and everything I wanted and loved and collected over time to enjoy was there. I often went months without being face-to-face with someone other than my children (or my brother who usually lived with us). I had social anxieties that were buried beneath a life inside my house and deep important friendships via the internet.
Then, I got this wild hair (maybe it was one of those sacred gray ones on my head that I wanted to proudly display to the world?), and I decided to sell everything I own and fix up an old RV (and I had 2 months to do it). Crazy, right? Yeahhhhhhh, that sounds like me :)
4 days after living in this RV, I didn’t remember the old life. The transition was often loud and sometimes painful and always flowing. I just went with it. I just kept the flow going. Out with the old, in with the new. I stayed mindful of the waves of processing that were happening as I let go of everything I had accumulated in my adulthood, everything that measured my adult success, everything that made me feel grounded and safe and secure in this world: 30-odd years of furniture, do-dads, and keepsakes (not to mention paperwork and crafting supplies!). It all just flowed out of my life, either through garage sales, Craigslist, free piles of stuff, theft, or whoever was around that liked something. It all went… Well, it is still leaving, actually. Until I will be whittled down to a mama with many warm bodies and stuffed nooks and crannies in a 24 ft (bumper to bumper) home on wheels.
Ahhhhh… Nomads land. I was made for this. The comforts of home with a changing view :) Radical minimalism. Life so simple you can’t hide from your issues and there is more than enough room for growth. Oh, was I made for this. So many moments where I was just in awe of the perfection of this life for us, where I have resonated with the alignment of this life for us. The transition was wild, and the moment we were in, it was zen. Not that it has been easy – none of it has been (even the stuff I thought would be easy), not that it has been crazy-free, but it has all been worth it. I love a bit of hard labor. I don’t mind working hard at the things I love.
I think I know why this radical revolution feels so different than some changes I have made in my life. This change was all about subtracting. Subtracting the excess, subtracting the stuff that doesn’t really really really matter. And now that I have subtracted SO.VERY.MUCH, I have infinite room to grow new things. I have some pretty big things I am growing, actually :)) More on that soon.
So, today, I am a less stressed out mama. I am also a mama with a cleaner home, who goes outside several times a day and knows almost everyone in my old neighborhood, a mama who has space to sort out and sit with those anxiety issues that used to get swept under the rug, a mama who is riding the waves of this experience and appreciating every dip, loop, and climb. This has been and continues to be a wild experience, and I am really loving living so much in the present that my plans only extend out a week or so :)))
I have missed blogging so very much, and I already think my blog is due another make-over (hahaha). This blog is like my internet lifering. And I love Facebook. But this is my space to dig deep and share broad…
If you have any questions, please ask in the comments section below. So much has changed, I wouldn’t even know where to begin describing all of it :)))
I love you!
A break from your regularly scheduled program
I read this list on my friend, Starcat‘s blog and knew I had to come share, too :)) It was called something like “One Word”
Yourself: mama
Your partner: planning
Your hair: wild
Your mother: carefull
Your father: fun
Your favorite item: laptop
Your dream last night: processed
Your favorite drink: water
Your dream car: beachcruiser
Your dream home: teeny
The room you are in: bedroom
Your ex: thoughtful
Your fear: mess
Where you want to be in ten years: world-travelling
Who you hung out with last night: kids
What you’re not: conventional
Muffins: blueberry
One of your wish list items: wood
Time: present
The last thing you did: read
What you are wearing: comfy
Your favorite weather: moderate
Your favorite book: informational
Last thing you ate: donuts
Your life: inspired
Your mood: relaxed
Your Best Friends: irreplaceable
What are you thinking about right now: non-stress
Your car: RV!!!!!
What are you doing at the moment: smiling
Your summer: adventure
Relationship status: family
What is on your tv: animation
What is the weather like: perfect
When is the last time you laughed: minutes
Ready
Wild horses couldn’t drag me from this life right now. I am water, and I am in my flow, and I cannot be stopped. Rocks may stand in my way, but slide right by without breaking my stride.
On Facebook I recently wrote, “I JUST WANT TO BURST OUT OF THIS F*CKING LIFE!!!!!!! I am so tired of the sandbags holding me down and holding me back from the greatness within me that wants to explode into my reality! I feel like cobwebs are sticking to me, and I’m about to go ninja on their butts! Gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwd!!!! Just get me the f*ck out of here already.”
Forgive the F-bombs — they seem to spill out of me in times of explosions :))
I want to talk about the bolded part, though.
I feel like this lifestyle is going to lighten my load in life. I am so super-simple, and having this house and all the responsibilities and limits that come with them stops me from putting that energy into living and experiencing.
Everyone prioritizes what they value. Some value having a house and lots of beautiful and useful things. When you don’t have those things to take up energy, what do you have? Well, I will be telling you in about a month :))
It seems that I will have a teeny little comfortable space that requires my energy, a space that is do-able and perfect for me, with lots of left-over energy for other things in my life. What I need lots of is closeness with my family and reflection time.
I am also anticipating having the energy to get more involved with community and events, since we can carry our home over and have it close-by when needed. Living to the extreme northwest of our county has meant lots of driving, if we want to do anything. Also, driving our home means that I don’t have to have the kids all ready to go and everything packed up before we head out the door to go somewhere — I am really looking forward to being punctual! LOL
Since our expenses will be so much less, it seems we will finally have the kind of income where we can enjoy places we previously couldn’t afford. I am very much looking forward to taking my kids to some wonderful and exciting places, as well as some peaceful and beautiful places. I want to give my kids the most of what I feel is important — family closeness, simple living, and an abundance of experiences :))
I have been reading blogs, talking with people, researching places to go, and making my own plans for about a year. I feel like I have been engaged for a year and tomorrow (when our RV is being delivered) is when I marry the road-life. I’m ready, and there is no turning back now.
It will be a month-long hand-fasting, where we will exchange vows of commitment in the form of financial, emotional, and time investment as I renovate the RV and learn about myself during the process of having free-reign over owning my own home. I am so excited about this upcoming experience. Tomorrow, we sign the papers <3
I’m so ready. I’ve only been waiting a couple weeks for this RV, but I’ve been waiting my whole life for this road life. Enough preparation, I’m ready to touch this life, ready to deal with the tangible stuff, ready to feel my dreams materializing.
And the best part is that this is just the first step in the whole journey ahead of us in life. Who KNOWS where this step may take us :) Who KNOWS where we may be in a year, in 3 years, in 10 years. OH, the universe is full of limitless possibilities!!!
I’m ready!
Carrying the Torch
I come from a long line of wild women on my mom’s side of the family. For those who understand the significance of this, Kassidy is the 7th generation first-born daughter. Women roll powerfully in our maternal legacy. Let me tell you a bit about this legacy, as I was told…
My great great grandmother defied the traditional woman’s role of homemaker and did something outside the home that she was passionate about (politics? business? I can’t remember, but it was definitely viewed as a man’s world). She didn’t, however, pass on the baby-maker aspect, and had 8 children, who my great grandmother (who was the oldest) raised and cared for until they were old enough to care for themselves.
My great grandmother took the love of her life and her life on the road. She traveled for years with a man called Red (red hair), and they painted the sides of trucks for their next meals and their next destinations. It was said the family never knew when she was in town because she valued her freedom so fiercely. She, however, left her daughter (not from Red) at home to be raised by her siblings who she had dedicated her earlier life to raising.
My grandmother, it was told, would take off into the land behind their home with the dog (who was very protective of her), even as young as 2 years old. She grew up a wild child on wild land in Texas. Tragically she drowned in a river when she was only 18 years old (my mom was 6 months old, on the embankment when it happened). (I believe Najaia may be her reincarnation — Najaia is as free as I imagine my grandmother having been, even at such a young age)
***Edit — I found out that my grandmother travelled with my great grandmother for many years, until the family felt it was a problem that she wasn’t getting consistency, and so she went to live with the siblings when she was older.**
My mother is the only generation I actually got to experience first-hand. She was a wild woman through and through. She was a total hippie, a definite gypsy (even before we lived on the road in my teens for 3 years, we moved at least once a year across 3 different states), an empowered and empowering woman, an attached mama only following her heart with little-to-no support from family. I was raised Pagan by a single mom before it was cool or common :)) Still, my mom reminds me daily that there is nothing to fear with growing older — she has her own Harley (sometimes riding topless LOL), she goes on travels and adventures with her newest love by land and by sea, has a zen garden and an impressive vegetable garden, and she is not afraid to question traditional styles of thinking or living. My mom just ROCKS!
Insert me. I feel like I pale in comparison LOL Granted, I have a few years and at least a couple crazy decisions to live through before it would be fair to compare :))) I am not really creating a legacy. I’m just carrying the torch.
I am proud to live so authentically for my children, to pass the torch on to them :)) I already, definitely, see my kids continuing this legacy. We are definitely a wild tribe :)
I feel like I am cutting this post short, but my oldest has been waiting patiently for my computer, and, really, this blog is kinda the testament to the newest chapters of this family legacy. Living on the road is going to be just amazing, on so many levels. My friend, Cindy Leapley (who is passing their RV on to us), keeps telling me that I was made for this life. I really really was.
Okay, Dreads; Trade-offs; & a Soul Journey
I loooooooove dreads. Ja’s dreads were, I am shameless to admit, one of the biggest reasons I initially gave him the time of day (or night, as it were). Noble’s dreads are one of my top 10 favorite things in the whole world. I’ve considered dreads for myself, but keep finding that I love my wild curls even better.
I always imagined having my dread-head son and my curly girly, and it seemed meant to be, as her curls are bigger and silky soft. One problem: she hates getting her hair brushed. She yells “No!” and runs down the hall and out of the house if I even try. It’s a bit easier in the shower, when I can soak her hair in conditioner while I comb/brush, easy distract her, move slowly and mindfully, and do a lot of “emotional damage control” in a small confined space.
Well, it’s been over a week since we brushed her hair, with everyone being sick. And today I realized that I understood why my stepmom just chopped all of our (her own, my older sister who is half Black, and myself) curls off to about an inch or 2 long. This is so much work, and it’s losing it’s meaning for all of us. As I brushed and imagined life in an RV, I released my attachments and submitted to “Okay, dreads.” WHOOSH! Sudden alignment.
This is going to be a win-win all over the place! She won’t have to get her hair brushed, the upkeep is minimal and requires a lot less stuff in the RV, less water it will need (which is a big deal in an RV that plans to live unplugged), and an added bonus — it will be fun to see it grow long instead of out :))) Not that I don’t love me an afro (have you seen my hair?).
Speaking of, I have decided now is the time to start using baking soda and apple cider vinegar for my hair instead of shampoo and conditioner. If I start now, it will give me about 2 1/2 months for my hair to adjust and transition, so it will be easy when we are on the road :)) Also, I am open to a dread/curls combo for my hair. We shall see with time :)))
A trade off….. I’ve enjoyed looking at ways to trade-off stuff/space with experiences. I mean, that’s kind of the main goal of this adventure in the first place. I was thinking of leaving my foot care stuff and getting a pedicure with Kass once a month-ish! I’m hoping it will be some great me & Kass time. It will mean less stuff in the RV, which is always nice. And mostly, we and our feet deserve the pampering – the scrubbing, the detail work, the massage. Oh, the massage *melt* That got me to thinking what a wonderful benefit regular massage and chiropractic alignment would be for Kass and I as we realign our bodies and lives with healthiness and slow intentional living. Another way to align our life :)))
Speaking of healing, soul journey….. I kept thinking this was going to be a spiritual journey, but I am realizing this is going to be much more of a soul journey, tempered with a bit of spiritualness :)) I have known all along that this was going to be a journey of self and that it would require solitude, maybe in large doses. I thought I could find that “self” in snippets during days and in between visits. I thought I could eek by for the first couple visits and nab it in a larger quantity later in the journey, so we could hurry and get on the road and get out of familiar territory and not miss anyone during our far-shot trajectory.
At this point in my preparation for finding a deeper level of self and connecting with beloveds, it is becoming more and more clear to me that we need to take some serious time to ourselves before we descend upon anyone :))
We need time to detox from this “junk food” life, we need to adjust to being unplugged, and we need to do some healing and connection with ourselves and each other before we can really do a visit with you justice. Right now, I’m a little insecure about visits. I’m insecure about some bits of myself that are out of alignment or underdeveloped, and I’m insecure about my wild bunch. Not to say that you wouldn’t love us in our imperfections or be fine with our wildness, but I don’t want to compound those insecurities with the anxiety I would feel if I was insecure. I want to feel confident and comfortable, and I want to feel like we are healthy and well-adjusted. We all have some healing and adjusting to do before we start connecting with our tribe <3
This is what I currently think the first couple steps of our journey will look like:
I think our first stop will be a reasonably-priced campground with gorgeous, natural, and quiet grounds to do the initial detox and adjustment, to work out the kinks close to familiarity. The plan is to have no Internet, extreme minimal technology, maybe no phone even, to spend about a month or two indulging in nature, immersing ourselves in the simplest family living, and some serious alignment. I am saying a month or two, but I really have no idea how long it will take to feel ready — could be much less, could be even longer?
Once we are all ready to move on and get out on the road, our road freedom will begin. I have clue where we will start heading, because it will depend on the season, our budget, our priorities, and our newfound internal compass’ direction.
There is a certain internal nourishment that comes with making all these plans. It’s as if realizing what we need most kinda heals that part inside us, so we are open to the next priority in our journey. It started with wanting to take life one step at a time, then wanting to race around and see everyone, then it was about spending depth with each person, and now it is finding our inner alignment first. It’s exciting to see what may come up next! I hope you don’t mind being strung along on this internal journey <3 What I do know is that when we pull up to your house, we will all be better for it :)))
I’ve Gotte Be Me
Me serenading all of us with a song that has been the soundtrack of my heart for the last couple days :)) In all my wonderful imperfections :))))) A gift of vulnerable perfection for you :))
I just love how I got stagefright and forgot the lyrics in the beginning LOL And how my voice sounded like crap because I am still sick! I love especially that I didn’t care about any of that and made the video anyway :)))) And that I still shared it even after watching it LOL Here is to putting oneself out there :)))
Overthinking
I am infamous for overthinking. This from the mom who took 6 months of heavy researching before feeling comfortable pulling my oldest out of public school to homeschool her. This from the student who did avid research (complete with color-coded highlighting and post-it notes) on every possible major I could be interested in before committing to one in my first semester of school LOL
Overthinking is literally making me sick, though. Today, it gave me a migraine. So, tonight, I am deciding to be dedicated to clearing my head out. I went to sleep last night making plans about an RV that I saw yesterday, and spend my entire night of “sleep” in some nightmare pergatory of plans and stress and worry.
Enough is enough.
The good news is that I am getting more and more comfortable with being flakey LOL I keep wanting to be committed to something that I say I am interested in, but I am still swimming in a sea of options where one looks more appetizing than another at any point in time. So, I feel flakey when I post on Facebook that I can see us in that RV and that I want it, and today I have to tell everyone nevermind, it’s not as perfect as I had hoped for it to be. And that wouldn’t be so bad, except I kinda posted (and emailed everyone who I thought would care) last week about how I wanted to travel in my van with a pop-up trailer, which also fell through.
What I am realizing with each of these experiences is that there are so many different ways to travel, and that we are testing the depths of each one for our commitment comfort level. I should be proud of myself for backing out once I realize my lack of commitment afterall, instead of sticking with some plan just because I showed a lot of initial interest :) In addition to learning about travel and about travelling, I am learning about the process inside myself. And I am learning that although driving a veggie-powered radmobile is a dream of mine, it doesn’t have to be this first step in my journey — it can be a dream for another day.
The truth is, each of these modes of transport hold a different idealness about it, a piece to the puzzle of the ideal nomadic home. And any one of those specialities may feel more important at different times. Let me try to make a list of these qualities I have so far found to be important to us, and maybe you can help me send rockets of desire out into the universe to bring us what is perfect for our family :))
- the better gas milage the better
- pretty good ability to moderate the inside temperature
- spacious-feeling inside (including entry into vehicle)
- relatively short from bumper to bumper
- room inside to rip out some accessive seating for a kids table and a cat climber
- a loft-type bed above the driver’s coach for Kass
- fairly modern appliances, lighting, and switches
- a dinette (2 benches with a table in the middle)
- bathroom at the back, spacious enough for this big mama to not feel crammed in
- a full-size bed tucked into a corner in the back for me and the babies, ideally (but I would sacrifice it for better gas milage if it made a big enough difference)
- upholstery on chairs that I can live with (leather is best, because it is easiest to clean — sorry, vegan friends <3)
Okay, so I started this post a couple days ago, and I stopped writing it because I had a raging headache that has persisted for days. I didn’t want to post it unfinished, but I can’t put too much more effort into it right now, because my tension headache is threatening to start pounding again if I don’t listen to it’s plea for me to stop thinking about this stuff. Just gonna share some pics of the RV I *think* (today) I really want. The only thing I don’t like about it is the typical RV gas mileage, which I wish I could somehow get around and still have everything I love about this RV inside and out. Meet Jam:
Wild Sacred Soul 