Radical Curiosity
So, I have been thinking recently…..
Children are innately curious. They want to explore and understand and experience the mysteries in life that matter to them. This is why children are born for unschooling. This is why unschooled kids will learn everything they could ever need to know about living and about the world. As they explore something, what they understand becomes less mysterious, so they move on to the next mystery, or further into something where they see more mystery.
When we forbid a child from something, we shroud it in mystery. Have you noticed that children gravitate toward the things we are resistant to, the things we say “no” about, the things we really don’t want for them? Even if we don’t say it, but feel it, they sense the big interesting space they are being ushered away from. And if they are curious enough, they want to know more.
I have noticed that in strict disciplinarian homes, the children who are the biggest “trouble-makers” are the ones who are the most curious about everything, especially the things they have been forbidden to experience. It seems to me that when we make rules, we rob the child of the opportunity for learning about that thing. Some kids are such insatiable learners that they will continue to try to learn about it, and they get labeled as “defiant” or “trouble” or something like that.
In our unschooling life, as an experience of life learning, I strive to open up to my children learning about whatever they come into contact with. Sometimes that means working through my own personal comfort with something – I am so grateful for these opportunities to iron out my own wrinkles, to more fully integrate my newer found values into my timeless self.
I ground myself deeply in my knowledge that my children can & deserve to make their own choices and bury my toes in trust that they will always follow what is meant to be their path since I live to keep their own unique selves intact. I trust the nature inside them. They come from such a healthy place inside that the unhealthy will not last long, even if they want to explore it. They are free – free to make their own choices and to learn quicker because they have less complications than I often do :)
Sometimes my fears are rooted in another issue entirely. A common one for me is I haven’t provided a fulfilling enough environment, so they will make choices from a place of hunger, rather than a place of healthy curiosity. And then I remember that I worry about my choices coming from that place, but I don’t really worry about them coming from that place — their whole life has been so different from my own childhood.
Or maybe the fear is something different (a common one I hear from people) — like a fear of allowing their child to eat whatever they want because diabetes runs in their family or something. I find trust in my child again when I remember that I cannot know why or how someone else developed their disease, especially with my own understanding of how dis-ease takes root and grows. Whoever had that disease is not my child, was probably not free to live and learn in joy and respect.
I used to want my child to make decisions from a “healthy” and “balanced” place. But I have found that, for myself, sometimes I am drawn to something BECAUSE it will bring me back to healthy and balanced. I always trust that when I am drawn to something, it will be good for me. And even if it isn’t, I get over it faster when I let go of the crap that tells me it is “bad” or “unhealthy” and just get my fill. Afterall, unhealthy has no place in healthy. And something only feels unhealthy when it becomes complicated and over worried about.
What IS unhealthy anyway? That is a good question. We may be able to come up with some easy things: candy, drugs, violence, etc. But what if they were just a part of learning? I learned about a lot of things by trying them and realizing they weren’t for me. Or I got my fill early and easily, so I didn’t get stuck in them. The things I did get stuck in had nothing to really do with those things, and more to do with why I wanted to do them. When I can heal the reason for doing something that doesn’t feel good, the thing just falls away naturally.
Maybe I see something as unhealthy, but that is my own limitation, and it has nothing to do with the actual thing or my child’s experience with it. I think TV and video games are a good example of this. When I demonized them, I thought of the time they spent watching TV or playing electronic games as unhealthy, and when I let go of my issues with it and saw it for simply what it is, I was able to see my child’s relationship with it, and I knew it wasn’t unhealthy.
When I was seeing it as unhealthy, I was creating an unhealthy situation, too. My resistance (even though unspoken) made them more drawn to it. When I worried that they were zombified, they became more dull. Even when I tried to shift and be more proactive, by doing more of what I wanted (more outdoor activities, more TVless play, etc), it was still in reaction to a feeling that the watching a TV was unhealthy, and it didn’t feel free and zen. I was worried about how their brains were developing, and I was worried they were going to learn their ABCs from a cartoon rather than “real life”, and I was worried they were going to mimick the fighting and the interaction styles, and I was worried they were going to want the things they saw (toys, or to go to school).
When I let go of my fears and trusted and lived one moment to the next and observed, I found that my children used TV the way they used every other thing in their life: to bring joy into their life, to have something new to explore and play and experiment with. I saw TV as an opportunity to connect with my child — we would watch stuff together and laugh together and play together and reenact things together. It was just another way our family had fun.
Now, I have no idea how much TV they watch or video games they play. I don’t monitor them, so I couldn’t tell you if it is a lot or a little, but I can tell you it varies every day, every week, every season. I can tell you there are days I wish they would watch more (because it means less mess for me or “interruption” when I am trying to do something) and days I wish they would watch less (like when we are boondocking and electricity is limited). What I can tell you is I trust whatever they want to do, and I feel so comfortable with the whole thing that I often forget that some people aren’t.
Okay, so this post turned into a train of thought, but it is full of such deliciousness that I am going to leave it as is. I hope it gives you plenty of food for thought to chew on for a while :)
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| If someone says “Curiosity killed the cat”, remind them the cat had 9 lives :) |
The Path of the Jetty
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| Our view of the beach from our spot on the jetty :)) |
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| When I see this picture, may I always remember how empowered I felt that day… |
The Amazing RV Renovation
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| I love the app I took this pic with, especially since it made this pic look old, so it could be my mom and her brand new RV! lol |
I have been having the most amazing time fixing up this RV for the last few days (yesterday ended up a day of park fun instead of work for the most part) :)) Words really cannot describe, but I would sure love to try!
So, first off, the easiest: I own it! I am allowed to do this! I can explore and experiment and pick and prod and PERSONALIZE to my living pleasure :))) I have this amazing vision in my head of it finished, and I love getting there!! Even better, I love the little detours that provide opportunities I hadn’t imagined, to personalize it :)) This is feeling more and more like home every minute! I am so in love with this RV! I was in love with it before, like a blank canvas to an artist, but I am painting now (literally!), and I am LOVING what is flowing through me! WOWSERS!
I am learning SO much about every detail of her as I paint and tinker around. I have watched videos of people who renovated their RVs or converted buses or whatever, and it is really awesome getting in here and doing my own! I really cannot believe how easy this is. I am definitely on ameteur status with tools, and I am amazed with my resourcefulness with a hammer, a screwgun, and a few screwdrivers :))) I was inspired by the guy who built an amazing hobbit-style house, with just a saw and a hammer. I can do this RV renovation with the limited tools I already own (except I will need a saw of some sort, and I will be very thankful that Lowes cuts wood I will need, with their powersaws, as long as I go in with the measurements :)))) I am learning about every inch of her as I paint and look around and notice things that aren’t working (or are) and want to know more about them. It’s kinda the epitome of unschooling going on over here :)))
And this is like climbing through a rabbit hole. I go to fix one thing that leads to another thing and then I find I can do this with that thing. Wow. I did a lot of reading and preparing, and now those things are starting to grow in my visions of spaces (like the kitchen, for example — thinking I might make a flow/living kitchen now since I am probably going to have to gut it anyway, because the storage is horrendous for living in!). I remember in one person’s videos about their RV renovation that they said there is always 1 surprise when renovating a used RV. I think I found mine :)) The night before last, I had a detailed list of what “needed” to be done, and today the list grew a bit unexpectedly, and I am THRILLED about that!!!! In fact, as things come up, I see more and more clearly how those things happened to allow me to even better suit this space for us. I can’t wait to show you all this gorgeous space that I see so clearly in my head and am seeing slowly manifesting into reality before my eyes. Renovating this RV is definitely an organic process. I am keeping lists, more for ideas of things to check later to see if I still want to do (and so I can share with you all what I have done and want to do, etc, and because it is fun! I love making lists), but I am renovating based on flowing through every inch of the RV and knowing my needs :))
I am trying really hard to make sure my kids feel like this is their home, too, that they get to help with what they want to help with :) It has been AWESOME to see Noble just jump in with some tools and start messing around with stuff, and Najaia, too :) And Kass has helped a bit and talked with me about ideas for spots :))) I have to be careful to keep their experience intact while quickly manifesting my own visions, too :)))
I’ve realized a comfy bed is priority number 1 right now.
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| The loft space (“before”) |
I LOVE sleeping in the RV. I love spending every moment in there :))) The first 3 nights, we slept in the RV, but the last 2 nights we have had to sleep in the house, because that unexpected surprise (mentioned earlier) involves the bed area up top, and I have to gut most of the space up there. Well, I have found that the house doesn’t feel like home anymore. It feels weird being in there. I just want to stay out here with my love!!!!!
This RV LOVES us <3 She is so happy to have us in here fixing her up <3 I truly feel like her name is Gypsy Goddess. She is quite the goddess, and I feel the goddess coming out of her as I peel away the outdated layers and lavish her with love and beauty — okay, maybe I’m projecting my own self-love! :)))
Everyone LOVES her! The neighbor kids can’t hang out enough (especially when they got to climb up into the loft), and the babies love climbing all over her and playing in her! The first thing Noble did when the Leapleys left after signing the paperwork was strip down naked :))))) He knew he was home <3 He tells everyone we see that we live in an RV, and he calls it “home” :))) He thinks of people in his life and asks me if we are going to drive to see them in our RV, and he says it is bigger or faster than every car he sees on the road :))) Even the cat loves it!! Sabastian has been in here all day and all night with us every day <3
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| Where we usually find him sleeping :)) (the loft) |
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| Posing for a picture — no, he just needed some attention when I was trying to shoot the cabinets :D |
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| He loves being in here so much, he even tolerates the baby playing with him while he sleeps <3 |
I am especially excited about the neighborhood kids coming over and hanging out and seeing me work on her, because they think it is so cool, and since we live in a poorer neighborhood, I feel like it makes it more of a reality for them to have one someday, too, if they wanted to :))
I wish I could take video of my progress, but the mic on my iPod is really bad (sounds really muffled), so you wouldn’t be able to hear me :(( I wish more people could have seen her “before”. I wish I had been able to take better “before” pictures so you could really see what all I have done :))) I’m BURSTING with pride with myself for what I have found myself to be capable of. Wow, me. So far, it’s been mostly construction type stuff, with a teensy touch of electrical.
I’ve so got this.
And let me just say that if you are local and want to come see what’s going on in here, please feel free to come check it out! It is so wonderful having company to come share this awesome journey with :))) That goes double if you own a shop vac or any other tools that may make this easier (like a saw LOL), and especially if you have any expertise you can share with me! :))) LOL
This RV was already so awesome when we got it. Like I keep telling the Leapley’s, I am so grateful for an RV in such great condition, so I can focus on all the fun stuff :)) Even though we have come across a couple little things that are more than just topical, how blessed are we that it is so minor! This RV came to us in a condition we could have vacationed in comfortably, and the reason I am renovating it (other than I just love the opportunity to) is because we are hoping to live in it for several years. I decided, instead of just “painting over” some issues, that I was going to get down to the root (or the wood or the aluminum siding, as the case may be) and build it back up, since this will be our home for a long time, and because I don’t want to have to do it later (and find the paint colors again and what not — I have my prioreties on straight! lol). I want to get it all in tip-top shape immediately, especially while we have a house and room to do all this now :)) It’s also a good opportunity to learn what we will need from the tools and bits of stuff that I have held onto (screws, wheels, etc), since I am doing everything now, so we don’t have to carry that stuff around if I won’t ever need it (or can get it later when we actually do need it). I am so grateful for the chance to learn and do, and more learning :)))
Alright, so here is my list of stuff that I have done.
- Spackled, taped, primered, and painted most of the interior (including places you don’t see much of, like under the dinette cushions);
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- painting also included removing the edges of the carpet, so I could paint down to the wood in prep for wood floors
- New knobs on the cubbard doors above the windows (haven’t done the kitchen, bathroom, and closets yet)
- All blinds out, and new curtain rods up (hoping the blinds fit my house ones that the dog completely annihilated in his anger at me about not being seperated right now)
- In the process of removing all red leather ( including the cab); I tried painting it white but realized it was paneling wrapped in foam and leather, so I took the foam and leather off and attached the paneling, waiting to be painted :)
- Removed paneling and (if needed) wood in upper bed area because of serious water/rot — removed 1 window because the wood was so rotted around it, it crumbled away
- Started to remove the carpet in the upper bed area before I realized that the wood under it by the window was black and water/rot damaged, so I have to take that whole thing out and rebuild a new one anyway
- Removed broken visor in driver’s spot and screws from paneling in the cab
- Shorted out the electrical (long story) and learned how to change a fuse :))))
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| you can see the contrast between the dark wood that was in the whole RV and the white paint I did |
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| My big helper :))))) |
All that in 3 days amongst keeping my children alive, fed, relatively clean, and recently prioritizing activities and nap time ;))
My next step is to check the other side of the bed area for water/rot because there seems to be *something* based on the exterior. Then, once the bed area around the windows is checked and properly gutted, I am going to work on taking the flooring out of the loft area (2x4s sandwiched between plywood as a heavy duty frame).
Right now, the bed pulls out to be a queen, but it had this cool sliding floor thing to make the bed smaller and the cab space below bigger, but we won’t need that or be able to use it, so I am building a whole new bed floor from scratch (and salvaged pieces that are in good condition). We are going to have a queen mattress on top and a foam mattress topper. We won’t be able to sit up in bed (because the bedding will be so high), but an uber comfy bed is worth it :)) There are plenty of other places to sit :)
After I get the bed all finished, I am going to install my beautiful brown leather couch and take out this one:
And then my next priority will be either reupholstering the drivers cab (seats, doors, floor carpet) and possibly putting in a new stereo (just need a radio and an iPod dock)
or gutting the kitchen.
The next step will probably be the bathroom.
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| Mural made of pebbles |
At that point, I would LOVE to hit the road for a week or so (a trial run, so to speak, to assess our needs better while we still have the house and our stuff to draw from) and then come back and finish the kitchen, renovate the closet space (it’s just a big giant open space)
and reupholster the cushions for the dinette (might actually do that on our trial run)
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| leather on one side and fabric on the other — which I will do, too :) |
Somewhere in there, I need to make a few more curtains and detail/paint the exterior (including a gorgeous mural my sister is going to do on the back!). Hopefully, I will have money for solar panels, and I will need to learn electrical basics and figure out my current electrical system and adjust it to be solar. I may need a new water pump and a bigger freshwater tank (currently 20 gallons — it should be a crime to put such a tiny tank in an RV that sleeps so many people!). I’m going to get new tires. I think I’m going to get a crash-course on the other appliances I’m not so sure about, so I can understand them better and take care of them better. I would like to learn how to change my own oil and other basics that I can do to pamper my beauty while she pampers us :)))
This is the feel I am going for in the whole RV :))))) I’m so excited about creating it :))
The Art of Falling on One’s Face Gracefully
I wrote this earlier in the week but Blogger is not letting me upload pics right now so I was going to wait until that was fixed — however, it still isn’t fixed, so here it is :) Just to clarify, I am not talking about the actual philosophy of this guy, of which I know nothing about.
I have had just as much fun playing with this rapture prediction over the past week as some. I’ve laughed at funny Facebook statuses and some YouTube videos, and celebrated vicariously through the “end of the world” gatherings that have resulted.
Now that the dust has cleared, I am hearing some more perspectives. Some were amused at the craziness of the prediction, and some are very angry that the guy “wanted” rapture to happen and that believers gave up so much for the cause he started. Some think he owes those folks compensation since his prediction that they believed and invested in didn’t come to fruition.
I seem to have a minority opinion on the matter (no surprise to me in life anymore).
I want to applaud this man for believing in something so radical, for trusting his insides, and standing up for it regardless of public ridicule. And I want to hug him in the aftermath and assure him that it is okay to believe in things, to invest completely in something, even if you end up looking like you fell on your face.
In this society, we are really big on being safe — even if you take a risk, make sure it’s a safe one! And in this society, we are really big on “right”ness. We are so deeply invested in the importance of being right that we cut adventure and exploration and thinking short if it’s “inaccurate”.
How many parents will allow their child to believe something they don’t see as true? How many people can sit in a car and allow the driver to accdently go the opposite direction of the intended destination? How many people think falling on one’s face is a horrible tragedy?
This is all very common in our society (and maybe even bigger than just the US).
I’m the mom who just pauses when my son sings the A,B,C’s in some crazy order that often leaves out entire chunks of the alphabet :) I’m the mom who is learning to sit back and enjoy the journey my kids’ learning takes, instead of focusing on the destination. I’m the person who is loving taking risks, knowing that I have NO clue how some things may turn out, but the only real “end” is death, so I have my whole life to keep going. I’m the person who is learning to be gentle with my own learning and living, so as not to avoid falling on my face, but to leap up and laugh “I’m okay!” as I skip off to find another adventure.
The problem isn’t falling on one’s face (to me, that’s a noble quality and proof that one is trying to live life to it’s fullest — maybe even that they are leaping toward things even further than they think they are). The problem may be in laying there stuck, or jumping up in shame and embarrassment and deciding to not chance something like that again. The art of falling on one’s face gracefully entails expecting that it could happen when we are walking (or dancing or skipping, as the case may be), light-heartedly getting back up to one’s feet, and relishing in the possible scrapes and bruises that are battle wounds of the fun of living.
I have literally fallen on my face (about a year ago). I was walking my friend’s dog, and I felt inspired to run. It was a glorious feeling — a rush of excitement and lightness and freedom. So, as I had done in my childhood, I took off down a hill. Well, my spirit seemed to be a bit faster than my physical body, and I tumbled down the hill face first (to the horror of 2 girls from our parkday group LOL). I leapt up laughing, feeling the aches and precarious numbness in areas of my body. And for the week or so that it took my bruises and scrapes to heal, I was reminded of that feeling of lightness and hilarity of how I must have looked. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat, even if I fell flat on my face again :)) Falling wasn’t “proof” that I shouldn’t have tried sprinting down that hill. Just because I fell doesn’t mean I did anything “wrong” or that I need to get better before doing it again. Sure, I learned from the experience, but the goal wasn’t to learn how to do it “right” next time.
I feel more light and forgiving about the whole experience.
This is flavoring my plans for this new road-living chapter of my life, too, or any plans I make for my life. I am learning to not only take the steps that ensure I will not fall on my face. It’s okay to take the steps that may leave me face down and scratched up. It’s okay to take risks, and the ability to jump up afterward is more important to me than the ability to plan everything to a “t” and ensure that every step is sure-footed.
Another part of the “rapture theory” analogy is the folks who believed his message and invested in it. Some people are really upset that they sold their homes and now have “nothing” to show for it. It seems that people feel these folks were forced or duped or deceived. I think they, too, fell on their face. They had faith, they took risks, and it didn’t come to fruition (thankfully, for some of us). Is it really the guy’s fault that they did what they did? Is he really to be held accountable for their choices?
It seems that he is kinda like an investment banker who invested in something that didn’t work out afterall (assuming the folks who invested feel disappointment that the rapture didn’t come — in one of my psychology classes, we learned how folks who believe strongly in something like this can actually feel stronger afterward, even if the rapture didn’t happen). As long as he spent the money the way it was intended to be spent, I don’t think it is fair to hold him accountable in the end. He seems pretty genuine and authentic.
I will sit with these folks in their disappointment and validate them. I just don’t see it as the tragedy that some are seeing it as. No one drank cyanid. They gave up stuff — something folks all over the world/historically (my current self included) do for something they believe in. Even if they feel disapppinted right now, I feel they are better off for having had faith in something, took risks, and invested in something, even if it didn’t pan out the way they originally planned. Life kinda works like that often, doesn’t it? Who KNOWS what life journey those folks are on, what their life lessons are destined to be?
I’m assuming positive intent. I’m vicariously practicing the art of falling on one’s face gracefully.
Nourishment
People talk a lot about nutrition. Nutrition, to me, is like the spirit, the head, meditation, yoga, tranquility, zen. Important in its own right.
Nourishment, to me, is more like stuff of the soul, living from the stomach, following one’s internal compass without judgment, living one’s truth. It follows whims and doesn’t have to be quiet or reverant.
Nutrition counts the calories and the vitamins on a food label. Nourishment checks internally to see if it is hitting the spot.
Nutrition can listen to experts on what is healthy and best, but nourishment knows no one “outside” can begin to know what what “inside” me needs better than I do.
Nourishment is a kind of fulfillment and a feeling of substance.
Nourishment, for me, can be a green smoothie, or it can be a pint of ice-cream, whatever my soul needs.
Nourishment goes beyond food, though, too. Nourishment is physical, and it’s also emotional and mental and soulful. Nourishment can come through spending some sisterhood time with a beloved. Nourishment can come from laughing through a board game with the family. Nourishment can come from a long (uninterrupted) candle-lit bath.
Nourishment is kinda like healing, without the assumption that there is some ailment to heal. Nourishment is like healing something that isn’t wounded. It’s like giving something a blessing.
The concept of nourishment fills some gaps in my life and in my family. I didn’t want to see some things as “broken” or “hurt” or “needing fixing/healing”. I can provide nourishment to someone who is not lacking in some way and I prefer to see people as whole and complete. The concept of nourishment helps me flow through the space I want to hold for people who I sense just need a bit “more”. It doesn’t have to mean there is anything wrong with what is.
My family is due some nourishment :)) In some ways it has already begun. Kassidy’s computer broke a couple days ago, and she has been adjusting to an unplugged life, where the option for mental stimulation has been to connect with me and her siblings. I hadn’t realized how absent she had really been until I realized how delicious it has been to spend more time with her. Without the option to spend every waking moment in her room with the door closed, she has been venturing out to compromise with Noble about what they can watch together on my computer. I really loved getting her and Noble their own things last year, so they didn’t have to share — it was perfect for the time (she was too angry and needed some space, and he was too young and had totally different interests), and now it feels perfect to have her interacting with us again on things. Having her interacting with us more feels like it is nourishing our family <3
Speaking of nourishment, with this mostly-empty house, we have been able to really shift our energy to the basics (one of my biggest reasons for wanting to live so simply) like preparing food. I have been cooking/preparing up a storm in the kitchen :))) I look forward to Kass cooking with me in the future. She is an awesome chef, and we can have lots of fun working together to create ways of continuing to nourish our family :)) We were talking yesterday about her giving me 3 weeks of feeding her whole and nourishing foods. I very much believe that we are what we eat, and so Kassidy is currently Top-Roman and Arizona iced tea. I can think of more nourishing things I would love for her to be :))) I know what we eat impacts our moods and mental activity, etc. I look forward to seeing what path this diet may take her down, even if she chooses to return to her current diet after the experiment :))
A child who said she was too old to sleep with me a few weeks ago and couldn’t sleep at night is curled up asleep at 10pm with her head on my leg <3
I am already loving this life.
Let the nourishment begin <3
Overthinking
I am infamous for overthinking. This from the mom who took 6 months of heavy researching before feeling comfortable pulling my oldest out of public school to homeschool her. This from the student who did avid research (complete with color-coded highlighting and post-it notes) on every possible major I could be interested in before committing to one in my first semester of school LOL
Overthinking is literally making me sick, though. Today, it gave me a migraine. So, tonight, I am deciding to be dedicated to clearing my head out. I went to sleep last night making plans about an RV that I saw yesterday, and spend my entire night of “sleep” in some nightmare pergatory of plans and stress and worry.
Enough is enough.
The good news is that I am getting more and more comfortable with being flakey LOL I keep wanting to be committed to something that I say I am interested in, but I am still swimming in a sea of options where one looks more appetizing than another at any point in time. So, I feel flakey when I post on Facebook that I can see us in that RV and that I want it, and today I have to tell everyone nevermind, it’s not as perfect as I had hoped for it to be. And that wouldn’t be so bad, except I kinda posted (and emailed everyone who I thought would care) last week about how I wanted to travel in my van with a pop-up trailer, which also fell through.
What I am realizing with each of these experiences is that there are so many different ways to travel, and that we are testing the depths of each one for our commitment comfort level. I should be proud of myself for backing out once I realize my lack of commitment afterall, instead of sticking with some plan just because I showed a lot of initial interest :) In addition to learning about travel and about travelling, I am learning about the process inside myself. And I am learning that although driving a veggie-powered radmobile is a dream of mine, it doesn’t have to be this first step in my journey — it can be a dream for another day.
The truth is, each of these modes of transport hold a different idealness about it, a piece to the puzzle of the ideal nomadic home. And any one of those specialities may feel more important at different times. Let me try to make a list of these qualities I have so far found to be important to us, and maybe you can help me send rockets of desire out into the universe to bring us what is perfect for our family :))
- the better gas milage the better
- pretty good ability to moderate the inside temperature
- spacious-feeling inside (including entry into vehicle)
- relatively short from bumper to bumper
- room inside to rip out some accessive seating for a kids table and a cat climber
- a loft-type bed above the driver’s coach for Kass
- fairly modern appliances, lighting, and switches
- a dinette (2 benches with a table in the middle)
- bathroom at the back, spacious enough for this big mama to not feel crammed in
- a full-size bed tucked into a corner in the back for me and the babies, ideally (but I would sacrifice it for better gas milage if it made a big enough difference)
- upholstery on chairs that I can live with (leather is best, because it is easiest to clean — sorry, vegan friends <3)
Okay, so I started this post a couple days ago, and I stopped writing it because I had a raging headache that has persisted for days. I didn’t want to post it unfinished, but I can’t put too much more effort into it right now, because my tension headache is threatening to start pounding again if I don’t listen to it’s plea for me to stop thinking about this stuff. Just gonna share some pics of the RV I *think* (today) I really want. The only thing I don’t like about it is the typical RV gas mileage, which I wish I could somehow get around and still have everything I love about this RV inside and out. Meet Jam:
Simple, Simple, Simpler
Yesterday, my son turned 4.
I am in awe and very humbled by what I continue to learn from following his natural growth, rather than trying to push him outward.
I had planned a big party at the park, invited dozens of people, had several activities and party props planned. Only about 5 families RSVP’d, and I decided the kids would probably want to free play more than most things, so I decided to just go with a handful of things (a bubble blower and other bubble supplies, face painting, and decorating their own cupcakes — plus a feast of food).
All day, I kept feeling this desire to connect him with his distant loved ones, who wanted to call and wish him a happy birthday, and to just sit down and talk with my son about his birth story, “4 years ago, in this moment, I was….” Instead, I was racing through grocery stores grabbing last-minute things and then prepping food for the party. I am very proud of myself, though. I was able to stop prepping food and eat for myself, reminding myself that calm and nourishment was important for me, regardless of the party status for the day. I kept telling myself, as I was feeling overwhelmed by the preparation still unchecked on my to do list, that the only thing I really needed to do was be there. I took the time to lay with my baby, to nurse her to sleep without my mind being 10 other places. I just quieted my brain and waited <3
And an amazing thing happened. That rush of adrenalin and stress that usually washes over me, because things are rarely ever finished, and because I am usually late, and because I end up needing help from people to get everything set up….. It never existed. Those things still happened (the food prepping wasn’t finished, I was an hour late to the park, and people helped me set up and take down), but I didn’t have the rush, the hyped up anxiety and adrenalin, or the stress. I just was present. I didn’t yell at Kassidy to help me, or stress her out with anxiety, because I wasn’t feeding it in myself. We just worked along side each other, blasting music, and enjoying ourselves and each other.
I had a thought that I have been having a lot recently. I can’t articulate it in words as simply and clearly as it comes into my head, but when I have these moments where I am stressing and ready to yell or force something from my children because we have somewhere to be or something to do, I think staying connected to my kids is usually the purpose of whatever it is that I am heading toward, so it just doesn’t make sense to break that connection now. If I am trying to get to the party to celebrate my son’s birth and life, it just doesn’t make sense to yell at him or be mad at him for doing something that distracts me from hurrying to get to that goal. We have the opportunity to already be there now, to have that be a continuation of our connection, of our path, instead of it being a destination.
My son is so slow, so deep, so deliberate. He is so unaware of what things “could” be, and he would probably pick the slower, simpler, more connective options anyway.
Only 2 families showed up to the party — 2 families that he loves so very much — and a couple kids from our neighborhood came.
It was perfect.
The bubbles were a hit, the face painting sat unused for the most part, and the cupcakes were sprinkled and devoured with glee :))
I can’t find the words to express the deep strings these simplified experiences pluck on my heart. We had some fabric as a table cloth, some delicious food (chips and homemade salsa, strawberries and whipped sweet cream-cheesy dip, veggies and ranch, and grapes — I forgot the hummus at home, so we couldn’t do that tray of yummies), a bubble blower blowing magic and a mystical atmosphere all over our party and all over the park — drawing new children to come play and chase and fight and dance with us. We had a reconnection with one of Noble’s dear friends, who he played very happily with all day.
We had a couple of gifts that fit perfectly into Noble’s interests: some mythical creature figurines to inspire Noble’s already imaginative play, and a beautiful little train and a car. And he just opened them up throughout the party, when someone wanted to give them to him, and he played with them for a long time after he opened them. He took his time getting to know the toy and enjoy it before moving on to open another gift. I love this so much more than opening a ton of gifts all at once. He got to really bless each one and integrate them into his play and his life.
I think for future birthday celebrations, we may just make a day out of it, invite people to our home to celebrate whenever they can make it throughout the day, and spend the day connecting with loved ones — spending time with them when they are here and calling the distant ones during lulls in the day. Maybe we will stick with the cupcake idea, and whoever comes can grab one and sing happy birthday to birthday person (or whatever blessing they want to give), because kids can’t get enough of that song, you know? We don’t need the common party traditions and routines. We are going to freestyle it.
I have shared a lot of the details of the day, and I love the organicness of that, but my point in writing this post was to really drive home (mostly to myself, as I process during the writing of this post) the utter perfectness (for us) of simplicity, how far reaching I am finding it applies in our lives. I have expanded so much as a person, and I am really enjoying this draw back in, to the deeply personal. I don’t need a million places to go, gobs of stuff, or a giant community of loved ones (online or in face). We seem to be happier, feel more substance, when we have deep connections with just a few people.
When I move slower, I feel the ground beneath my feet. This may not be for everyone. Maybe not everyone is the type of person who can hurdle boulders but trip on pebbles. I said that about myself in the past, noticing how my depression seemed to happen. I think the reason I was able to hurdle boulders is because I was out of touch with my journey and so just leaping and racing, but my inner self was so conscious of every tiny bit, and so when I could feel the pebbles that were out of alignment, they could trip me up. They were meant to trip me up. I am slow. And I was running. The tripping was mana for the soul, for our lifestyle. I am so grateful for this slow journey, for the awareness I now have about what really works for me and what I want out of life.
I am able to clear out the brush, pinpoint the specific plants, and then grow and nourish the plants and the garden.
Slow is a bad word in this society. It’s a word we call people who don’t move or develop as fast as we want them to or think they should. It’s definately not valued in this capitalistic system of bigger, faster, more. Not to say there is anything wrong with that lifestyle, but once again, I find myself a part of an invisible minority group: the people who value slowness. The only problem for me is that because they were invisible, I didn’t know they existed, didn’t know there was a choice.
Fastness and consumption, for me, stems from anxiety. I am slow. I like to be with what already is and let go intentionally and bring in deliberately. I was made for slowness. I notice everything. I’m so sensitive to details. I can only move quickly if I am ignoring those details, and I don’t want to ignore those details. Those details are my life. Each moment of presence and fulfillment with my children and our animals and our home are what my life is all about.
Centering my life around my children can look like us pending a whole day playing a package of balloons at home, within the natural cycle of our daily life of basic needs. I don’t have to be supermom — she flies too fast. I want to be the mom who kicks back in a chair (with feet up) and watches the garden grow and watches the kids play. I want to feel the food in my belly digest and feel how my body responds to it, so I can build a connective and healthy relationship with food. I want to spend a whole day reconnecting with a dear friend, celebrating our past, present, and future, exploring the possibilities of life through conversation with a warm cup of tea. I want to clean my home with mindfulness — bless each thing I touch, remember the memories I have shared with it, prepare it for its next use.
I want to go slow so I don’t miss a thing. It’s all so precious, the moments, the connections, the stuff, the development, the joy.
I have a confession, and this may come as no surprise. I had an idea of how to interact with my children in a connective way, how to connect with them in a life-learning, joyful way, but I was missing that bridge that helped me to find how to get in there and do it in a way that didn’t bring up heapfuls of unprocessed anxiety. I wasn’t up for all that processing at my kids’ expense (because I was already doing so much in every other area of my life, this would have put me over the top, and I would have ended up that stressed out overwhelmed mom who yells and then cries because she feels bad about it).
Wanting to be connective with Noble yesterday, and knowing how I want to celebrate life and birthdays and everything else, helped me to find my bridge to how I want to spend my days with my kids. It is such a simple bridge, one that maybe I built over the thinnest part of the stream. It’s just being with my kids in a slow connection-oriented way, finding a way to cultivate our values and live them in a child-leveled way.
So, focusing on the beloved people in our lives, on ways to live more “green”, on the simple and enjoyable tasks of home maintenance, on caring for the animals and plants in our lives.
I have found the pinpoint for growth of a relationship of daily being with my children. I’m ready to find ways to make small things big (like a whole week to celebrate a birthday or other holiday), so we don’t have to have lots of things to feel fulfilled, to feel whole.
I’ve decided that I don’t need a bunch of followers of this blog. It doesn’t ever have to grow big enough that it can someday contribute to my family’s income (that was my long-term goal). I’m fine if it is just me journalling and sending it out into the world, with a couple close friends keeping posted on my emotional and physical status.
Slow. Deliberate. Connective, to the people and things I love, as well as to myself. Staying connected to myself requires a certain slowness as well, especially while I am learning so much about myself. Like strolling down a nature trail with myself and noting my reactions to things so I can understand me better and tailor my life even more accutely. I’m so in love with me, so in love with my life, with each of my children, with our possibilities for fun and adventure in the many years we have together still.
Mmmmm, one delicious barefoot step at a time.
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| This is me: slow and deep and magical and an old soul |
Deep Cleaning My Internet Life
It was inevitable. All this soulful deep cleaning, minimalism, simplicity, beautifying. I am going to take everything out of the “internet area of my life” and see what really needs to be put back in to live a whole, organic, natural, family-oriented life.
Currently, that is meaning that I have deleted all other blogs I started (most of you, Dear Readers, don’t even know what I am talking about, because I didn’t have the time and energy to grow them, so I hadn’t publicized them — but the next few posts will be stuff I had been keeping there). I want this blog to be more wholistic — I can’t divide up and sterilize the bits of me and my life any more than I can do it with academic subjects, and I don’t need to try to. This blog is now everything. Hope you like all of me, because all of me is going to be in one place :)) I am going to pour all of me into this one place — pictures, reflections on life and self, updates/snapshots of my family’s life, information and inspiration I may come across. This place is going to be geared toward connecting with friends and family I am already in touch with, and for meeting new ones.
It is also meaning that I am not going to follow the blogs of strangers anymore. They are beautiful, often inspiring. So is my life, and I have been missing it. For every thing I read on someone else’s blog, I could be spending that time with my children or my home or my animals, or finding that in myself and for myself. I need living my life to be where my center of gravity is (thank you, Kristin, for that befitting analogy). This means I will be following the blogs of people I already know and love, to stay connected with them. However, I am not going to get them sent to my email box or read them through Google Reader — I am going to visit them every night, because I find that I am less likely to respond and REALLY connect if it means I have to take extra steps to do so (I’m so sensitive to barriers).
I am going to use Facebook for only 2 reasons: to share my latest blog post and to read select friends’ and familys’ statuses and see pictures, to stay connected and continue to cultivate connections already in place (especially if they don’t have a blog I can follow). Everything I have been doing there I will be doing here now (sharing pics and details of our life).
I am going to unsubscribe to everything that comes to my mailbox (except updates on local groups I am a part of), because there isn’t a thing they can offer me that is worth the time it takes to read about it instead of spending time with my family and living it.
I realized that I use the internet for 3 basic reasons: I am insatiably lonely, I don’t trust myself, and I escape the anxieties that come from living. Big surprise — the internet is not long-term fixing any of these things.
Even the amazing connections I have made via internet leaves me with a hole in my heart because I want to share a backyard with you, and all of you are spread across the country which makes sharing a backyard even closer to impossible (unless everyone wants to uproot their lives and come live on the land I want to buy to start a Tribe — I WILL do this one day in the not too distant future).
Continuing to search out and listen to the voices of others when I have a question or think I am interested in something is not cultivating self-trust, and skipping from step 2 (hmmm, I think I might want to handle this differently) to step 8 (this is how you do it) doesn’t feel like living from the inside out — it’s taking so long to put this stuff into practice because I missed all the steps in the middle because I didn’t live it all. I have just replaced all the “shoulds” in my life from more mainstream ones to more alternative ones — but there are still voices dictating how I should interact with my children, with other people, with the earth, with my home. I need to quiet the other voices so I can hear my own.
Anxieties. So much stuff from my history bubbles to the surface during the day — boredom, frustration, helplessness… So, I grab the closest screen. I want to sit with it, feel it, think about it, follow it, wonder about it and see if it flavors anything else in life. Inside out. Shoving anxiety down doesn’t make it go away, and neither does ignoring it.
I need to figure a lot out. This blog will end up being the conduit between my life and the expression of it. I am an innately expressive being. So, here I am. And I’m off to live life now….
Be safe, respectful, and sincere
Firstly, there is a difference between principles and rules. I have found rules to be hardfast, quick-fix shortcuts, rigid, limiting, impeding upon natural learning, creating rebelliousness and other complexes, usually stem from my own discomforts, and sometimes the only way I can retain sanity in a moment of feeling overwhelmed (so I understand why some parents use them <3).
Principles are meant to be general pointers in a direction toward a common goal. Our goals and means strive to be something that looks like our version of “be safe, respectful, and sincere.” I substituted “sincere” for the “kind” I’ve always seen — I didn’t want “kind” to get confused with “nice” (which I’m still situating, but am basically uncomfortable with right now), and the kindness I know of kinda goes along with “respectful”.
Let me also say that these are just training wheels, to help our family live more harmoniously (as per my New Years resolution), after some serious chaos and upheaval for the past couple years. These training wheels are not held over people’s heads and thrust at them in challenging moments. We talk about them at our monthly pow wow meetings and explore them a bit in our daily lives through observing experiences and discussing them. They are still new for us as principles, so this post will be simple and raw and more about intention than details. These will look mostly like me implementing them into my interactions, since the kid’s pick up my vibes and styles without me forcing (and they pick up the force when I try to force anything). I can already see these being tweaked a bit, but for today, lemme explain what we have come up with so far :))
Some details of “safe”. Lemme share with some examples. Safe, to me, does not mean “don’t climb up onto the table because you could fall and get hurt” — our style of “safe” is helping the baby to challenge herself and explore her environment in a way that is safe, so maybe standing there and “spotting” her, showing her how to get down safely, padding the ground around her with pillows, or something of the like. “Safe” does not mean “hold my hand in the parking lot” — our style of safe means watching for cars and standing between my son and them, or waiting for a closet parking spot… Although, usually, we like to hold hands together :)) “Safe” doesn’t mean they can’t climb all over the jungle gym at their comfort level, or go barefoot in the rain, or play swords with sticks, or climb trees hiiiiiiiigh, or jump from rock to rock or whatever. We just follow our personal comfort levels, and I’m pretty relaxed — although, I’ve been known to have a good cry over some scares (hiding kids in a department store, a near miss of a car, a pretty bad injury). For me, pains and hurts and injuries are a part of life and one for each of us to decide for ourselves how we feel about them (including my children, who can decide for themselves).
“Respectful” does not look like me reminding my child to “use their manners” or apologize, when they aren’t. That doesn’t feel respectful to them, no matter how “nice” I am about it. Again, “respectful” starts with me. I strive to be respectful toward my children and myself and the people I encounter. It can look like me giving someone the benefit of the doubt or assuming positive intent. It is usually me being understanding and listening. It is related to how I care for our belongings and for this earth. It involves how I conduct myself with integrity with strangers and loved ones. It involves me doing the things that feel right and good from me and understanding that everyone has their own way — they don’t have to have my style ;)) It includes the reasons why I help my children to explore what feels right to them.
Being “sincere” is grounded in connection, presence, and authenticity. When I handle something out-of-alignment from how I want to, I can sincerely approach my child and connect with them and heal the gap. When something is bothering me, I can be present with my loved one or myself and speak truths from a place of authenticity, love, and a quest for reconciliation of some sort. I am learning to be sincere with myself about my vulnerabilities and what-can-feel-like-unworthiness, and am finally doing some real healing. Sincerity doesn’t always look like “being nice” for us — sometimes, somethings are raw when they are being sorted out, but kindness is obviously the bigger picture (even if it is being kind enough to be honest). Honesty without connection can be just mean. Sometimes, that happens here, but that’s not sincerity.
When I first started exploring and experimenting with unschooling in our lives, I knew I wanted my kids to be authentic and real and honest, and not compliant or “well behaved”. I wanted to give up control (and I dived in and gave it up fast!), and what I got was an out-of-control pre-preteen and a chaotic home. I thought the opposite of “compliant” was her doing whatever would feel right to her and because I believed all the goodness in her would come out, we would be good. I am grateful we did it the way we did, because I held fast the whole time (well, 90% of it!), and we learned “our way”, but I know that way wouldn’t work for others. I knew that the pendulum would, was, and needed to swing the other way. I knew the “control” needed to be “out of control” before it could find balance and be truly wild :)) Now that we have gotten so much controllingness and reaction-to-no-control out of our system, we can be truly natural learners. I learned what the loving balance between “compliant” and “noncompliant” is: cooperative. And now we are living it :))) I don’t know where exactly the shift came from (a few possibilities), but we’ve been living it for a couple weeks now, and our life feels like a very different story than one I may have told a couple months ago. We are still working out the kinks, and these “safe, respectful, sincere” training wheels are just the next tools we can use on this journey :)) I’m careful to encourage these together, learning side-by-side, rather than any repression going on (has happened in our past: stuffing things to “be nice”). It’s delicious, one bite at a time :)))))
I hope that explains a bit of what we have been thinking about around here recently :)
Our Roles
During our organizing of our family, we came across a place where we were reflecting on each of our roles in our family, as individuals and as a whole family.
Being the mother, mine was chocked full of responsibilities, and being a mama, it was full of substance and intrinsically-motivated endeavors :))
Noble and Najaia, being small children, focused more on living and learning than on responsibility and went something to the tune of, “Noble’s role in this family is to play and actively learn about himself, his family, his friends, his community, and the world at large, as well as how to function with them in a way that honors his self.” Then I divided his “duties” into some categories, like play, actively learn, self, family, friends, community, and world. For “play”, his duties are to reenact, explore, experiment, and enjoy. And my role in supporting him in this is to provide stuff to use, space to do it, time to do it to, and experiences to draw from, and also to observe, ask him questions to engage in discussions about his interests, and enjoy with him. For “actively learn”, I put observing, asking questions, practicing, inputting information (which could be reading, movie-watching, etc.), and requesting experiences. And my role is to provide a variety of experiences in the depth and breadth that he is comfortable with, answer questions/help find answers, keep his questioning intact, keep his passion for learning intact, honing the tools to answer questions for his future, and ask him questions. It is important to me to point out that play is a form of active learning, and active learning happens during play. These things could have been one category. The other categories I made focused mostly on functioning within a family and with friends and revolve around ways of communicating and dealing with conflict, and our newly acquired interaction principles “be safe, respectful, and sincere” (more details on this in another post). Najaia’s role is the basically the same as Noble’s.
Kassidy’s role is a middle ground between me and Noble/Najaia, embracing bits of both in the delicate dance of a preteen. Her description goes something to the tune of, “Kassidy’s role in the family is helping care for children, home, and animals. Her role is to play and actively learn about herself, her family, her friends, her community, and the world at large.” As far as “responsibility”, it is just to help (details focus on what “on her own” and “when asked” entail). Play looks different today than it did 5 years ago, or even 5 months ago (it’s not “playing”, it’s “hanging out”), but play definitely happens, even if I don’t tell her that I would categorize some of her experiences as “play” :)) Again, “play” and “actively learning” are even more closely related, as all of her endeavors (creative or otherwise) revolve around a desire to actively learn in life. She is learning about self through her interests, time spent with loved ones, time spent alone. She is learning about family through our interactions and discussions, our pow wows, our fun, our creative ways of being responsible. She is learning about friend’s through interactions with them and discussions about things like communication, conflict, and interaction styles and strategies. She is learning about community as she sees me building our Tribe piece by piece, as she lives IN our town and sees people’s functions and interactions. And she learns about the world through experimentation, reading, observing, and having conversations with me about things :))
So, I hope this clarifies what some roles in a whole-life unschooling family look like :) My next post will be about “be safe, respectful, and sincere”.
Unschooling
This is something I wrote in (probably — it’s undated) 2009:
Unschooling is more interested in and focused on attitudes than information — attitudes about learning, about life, and about the relationship between the two. The information is consequential. Institutional school focuses on the attainment of information for the purpose of a certificate of achievement, with little regard for lifelong attitudes toward learning — and because of this, their methodology often causes irreparable harm to the intrinsic processes that make children lifelong learners.
** currently, I have more hope than the “irreparable” harm schools can do. But I do believe it is much messier than it may need to be! :))
Learning
This is how I love to learn, and it shapes how I set up experiences for my kids: I like to explore a bit with the freshness of a novice, get a feel for it for myself, and then maybe learn from someone else on the topic. This gives me the chance to see it all with fresh eyes first, so play around and get a feel for what might be shared later from someone else. Recently, I have been connecting with another good reason for this: it gives me a chance to find MY way foremost, and so I will be able to find someone (if desired) who will groove with my style and what I want from the experience.
This kind of goes along with something I wrote on June 16, 2010:
One of the dads at park day yesterday was talking about how he does not read informative type books anymore (but lots of fiction). He said he found it was people sharing a way to a destination and so when people read the book or website, they adopt someone else’s way instead of finding their own way. He said he may read a book title (like “How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk”, for example) and find his own way to get to that destination if he thinks it might be valuable for him and his kids.
And more from June 16, 2010. The remainder of this post will be from that date :))
How people learn has been a big thing I have been constructing and thoughtfully tossing around in my head for a while now…
This quote is a part of my understanding of it:
“If you want your children to be generous,
you must first allow them to be selfish.
If you want them to be disciplined,
you must first allow them to be spontaneous.
If you want them to be hard-working,
You must first allow them to be lazy.
This is a subtle distinction,
and hard to explain to those who criticize you.
A quality cannot be fully learned
without understanding its opposite.”
William Martin
Me, April 2010:
Just as babies learn to crawl, and we know that there is importance to their development in this, I think kids learn to do other things as kind of precursors to later functioning. I am thinking about emotionally, cognitively, etc. They may not be learning how to _____, because there may be some “crawling” to be learned first :))
:: Every Experience Is a Gift ::
Perfectionistic parenting is rooted in the false idea that it’s bad to make a mistake or fall short of one’s expectations.
But if you think about it, you can derive value from *any* experience — no matter how “bad” it is or how much pain it involves — IF you’re willing to look for the hidden gifts.
The one gift found in *every* negative experience is that it sharpens the contrast between what you want and don’t want, giving you an opportunity to focus more powerfully on your desire.
When you fall short of your parenting ideals, you may be tempted to indulge in guilt or self-deprecation.
But then you’d be modeling violence against self and creating more negative experiences.
Today, if you find yourself facing unwanted circumstances, or failing to uphold your own standards, ask yourself, “What is the gift for me in this experience?”
Such gifts are more obvious in hindsight, but why not enjoy them *now*?
http://dailygroove.net/gift
I am a contrast kinda person. I am realizing this more and more in life. On one hand I very much value peace and harmony and kindness and such, AND I am also realizing the times when I am not living up to my own ideals are not my failures, not mistakes, not bad — just a beautiful contrast to appreciate things on in the canvas of life, no judgment. Life needs lots of different things to move and evolve and bring things into our life. Sometimes it’s “good” stuff, sometimes it’s “bad” stuff, but it’s all beneficial, and it’s all relative.
Have you noticed how it is usually big contrasts that kind of give us purpose? I see it all over the place. I see how my hurts have made me want to be kinder to my children, how my over-productiveness makes me want to be lazy, living luge for someone else makes me want to live it for me. I see this in other’s, too. I see how growing up in a religious background can send people in the very opposite direction. If they chose to dissent from something that was big, the new thing can be very meaningful for them. Or those “ah-ha” moments, where we weren’t really aware of something until “BAM!” something happens that brings it to light and it becomes a place of advocacy for us. Contrast is amazingly purposeful.
The difference between Elimination Communication and Infant Potty Training
I think elimination communication can contain an element of infant potty training — potty training meaning a focus on training to use a potty. But elimination communication is so much more. The focus is on the communication around elimination and less on the training (in fact, I think every ECing mama can admit they have shifted into “potty training” mode, and when they do, it all falls apart — they key is the communication). When I say communication, it’s so much more than verbal, although talking about all of it is an important part, too. Communication is a reciprocal relationship, that more often than not, does not require words. It is a squirmy baby in a mamas arms, it’s a grunt, it’s being receptive to the preverbal language of babies, it’s the awareness of when elimination is happening (the times we don’t catch it) or when we just *feel* like it’s going to happen. It’s the tone in a mama’s voice when she says, “Oh, you went poop!” It’s seeing when the baby is interested or not, done or not, enjoying themselves or not. The goal is not to be potty trained (although that is a wonderful benefit) — the goal is to *be* with your child during the process of eliminating, during the learning that surrounds living and a baby becoming more autonomous. Elimination communication is not a destination, but a journey. Using a potty is one way of a baby eliminating, diapers are another, and someone could get creative and find a million other ways! I say this because in American culture, we may see diapers as the default way and a potty as an alternative — really, they are both just equal options of ways to eliminate. Elimination communication is just cultivating that awareness of peeing and pooping that babies are aware of from birth, and we use a potty as a means where the baby does not have to soil themselves or sit in their mess. Elimination communication is utter respect for the baby and their cleanliness. Elimination communication is the most respectful toward the earth as well, since their is no added waste (disposable diapers, or even laundering and/or shipping of cloth diapers and the inevitable disintegration of them). Elimination communication does require effort. It may not be for everyone. If a parent is dedicated to being aware of their babies needs and meeting them on demand, elimination communication will work wonderfully for them. If they have less time or energy to do this than 24 hours a day, a parent can do any middle version of elimination communication — even part time EC benefits baby and parent :)) Even being a naked baby for an hour once a week has benefits :)
My story… I don’t remember the first time I heard about EC, but I believe it was during my pregnancy with my youngest baby. I thought it was infant potty training. I thought it was baby conditioning (behaviorism style). I had been taught my whole life that it was bad to train a child to use the potty until they were old enough to know what was going on, to initiate it and do it themselves. But one thing kept nagging at me… It was these loving attached mama circles that I kept hearing about it through! That unreconciled bit stayed somewhere in my brain. When my baby was about 5 weeks old, one of my dear mama friends shared about doing EC, and I finally decided to be honest about my fears concerning it. I told her it sounded like training and conditioning (with sound cues and such), and she shared, “wow, it doesn’t feel like that for us at all!” So, I checked out her links, and before I was even through the first page of the first link, I got it! I raced back over to the thread where my friend had shared about EC and shared my excitement. True to how I do things, I consumed sites and info for a week before taking the plunge :) I swear, Jai was like, “Finally!!! You get what I have been trying to say!!!!” A baby who had been pooping maybe once a week started pooping almost everytime I took her potty! She would smile when we I took her potty. She’d always hated diapers (so had my 2 oldest, but they acclimated to them, but Jai refused to), so she was diaper free almost immediately, and she would squirm when she had to go. At first, it felt too ironic, like maybe she just peed everytime I took her because my timing was so good or because babies always have to pee. But when I was busy and would miss her squirming, she would fuss and eventually start crying! She was like 6-7 weeks old at this time!! I was amazed every time. It felt amazing to me. I loved being able to leave her diaper free, knowing she would never get a diaper rash, knowing all that fresh air and soft fabric touching her butt was so healthy and comfortable for her. And she lived in dresses or just cute tops or pants/jammies with a slit between the legs, so she could stay warm and have easy access to use the potty the several times she needed to go as a tiny baby. I was amazed that she could hold it! I was amazed that she was sooooo aware (although, I shouldn’t be — babies are ultra aware of everything!). Following her lead (listening to what she wanted and didn’t want and finding a way to make it work for me, too, in case there was an accident), she catapulted in those first 2 weeks into sleeping and waking dry, being dry on short car rides and shopping trips (I’d take her when we got there and right before leaving). She even had a week of night sleeping diaper free and waking dry (that ended the day I bragged about it in a thread in an online forum to my friends — ah, irony). I knew she was made for EC. I had a lot of time to dedicate to her in those early weeks, as I, too, was still recovering from birth and so was not very active. Once I started getting up and doing long overdue deep cleaning projects, I missed signals from her and we had a lot more misses. I used a cloth diaper on her (or her on it), so I would see it immediately and could change it, and I talked to her about it, “Oh, you went pee, and I missed it, and you probably were trying to tell me, and I missed that, too. I’m so sorry. I will try to pay closer attention next time. You like to pee in the potty, don’t you?” By that time the baby was usually smiling at me for talking with her for so long :) Life got crazier. My oldest went to Panama with my dad for a few weeks. I had a 2 year old (who, btw, I had applied EC techniques with and he learned to find awareness again and use the potty in a matter of a week or two). We hit an extremely crazy and hectic time in our life, and I had to strap her up in diapers, even when she protested :( This was at around 4 months. Being a single mama with 2 other kids and a too-big house made it difficult to take the time and energy to be as attuned to her as I wanted to be, and as I needed to be to catch every potty-tunity (as we call it :)). She still went diaper free a lot, but it was colder in the world and just not the same.
Fast forward to around 9 months old, I missed EC, I missed being attuned to my baby (in contrast to the running around life had in store for me), I missed not using so many diapers. I decided to get serious about being diaper-free. Diaper free is a state of mind, more than a physical measure. Diaper free means not being dependent on diapers. So, we took the diapers off. For almost 2 weeks, I cleaned up a lot of pee and was so very thankful for wood floors and increasingly warmer weather. She was naked at the park and on blankets in the sunlit living room. She wasn’t signaling me like I was so spoiled by before. She wasn’t demanding I take her potty, and I didn’t feel like I had time to sit and watch her and wait for her. Upon news that we had to move, life got crazy again, and EC got put on the back burner.
2 months later, we were in a new place (tile floors), and I couldn’t wait to feel settled enough that we could practice elimination communication. This new place was much smaller, much easier to be on top of and slow down and be with my kids. Baby was standing. Diaper free, when she would pee, I started using words to explain what was happening. She would notice she was peeing, could feel it go down her leg, make a puddle at her feet. I would say, “You went pee!” and (I learned after the first couple times) grab a nearby cloth to wipe it up immediately before she squatted down to splash in it! I did it a lot. I tried to look for her signals. I caught her about .5 seconds before she would go — not earlier enough to take her to the potty. Sometimes we used diapers, sometimes she was diaper free. I wanted to get so serious, to put it on the forefront of my property list. Her birthday was coming up, she was cruising across tables and the couch. I was thinking about her birth one year before, I was feeling reinspired by my unassisted birth. I was channeling that new birth energy, and I bought her a potty for her birthday — a symbol of my dedication to something she had so enjoyed before and I knew she would love again (still hated diaper changing — I had to do it while she was upright), and a genius idea I had since I couldn’t get her to the potty fast enough. She didn’t know the potty’s purpose, even though Noble loved using it, and I thought seeing him do it would help. I knew that if I could just get her to use the potty once, she would know it’s purpose forever after, and she would be hooked! I just couldn’t get her to pee in it!!!! I tried lots of things, and what ended up working was, upon waking in the morning, I put her on the potty on the counter between the mirror and the light switch, and letting her flip the lights off while we played a game with it. She was interested in sitting there long enough that she accidentally just peed! It startled her at first :) The sound, the whole sensation of it all. I cheered loudly, knowing that was all she needed :)) We sang a song about peeing in the potty and celebrated this new chapter in our elimination communication journey. I was right about her just needing to do it once. I didn’t catch her cues while she was up and about, but after her nap, I set her on the potty and she went after a moment’s hesitation. The next time, she went immediately. I was catching just-woke-up pees soooo easily. Then I started remembering to take her periodically between sleeping, and she started going more. At 14.5 months old, we miss maybe one or 2 pees a day, and for the last 2 weeks she has been waking dry so we are diaper free at night, too. She tells me when she doesn’t have to go, by refusing to sit on the potty when I try to help her on (she can’t get on alone), and now she will let me know by either going into the bathroom with me or not. She is naked almost every day, even in the freezing cold — she doesn’t want to wear clothes, either! Last park day, I took her to the potty every couple hours, and she had no misses :)))))) This is amazing!
Elimination communication is one piece of the life conversation we will have. It is a preliminary to discussions about our bodies and about sex and about our days and what may be ailing us. It is the beginning of awareness of our bodies and its workings and talking about it. It invites my older kids to talk about their bodies and those intimate and possibly embarrassing bits that are hard to choke out, even to a doctor. The style of elimination communication is the basis of the kind of communication that happens in attachment parenting and consensual living and radical unschooling — that honest language and deep understanding and reciprocal flow and mutual feelers. I had a moment about a month ago, when this blog post first started taking shape in my head, where I noticed that that *thing* that is the difference between elimination communication and infant potty training is the foundation, the essence of connection: noticing the signals, responding to them, enabling the other person to do what they may need help doing. Elimination communication is not infant potty training, because it’s purpose it not to teach to use the potty — we have fun whether the pee is in the toilet or on the floor or in the carseat (that one takes more effort to not feel funky about). I trust that toilet learning is inevitable, given that we live in a society of toilet users — I don’t need to teach that, just bathe my baby in language and awareness of it, while she is learning :))
I would LOVE to hear your stories of your journey with elimination communication, and please feel free to post links to sites or other blogs on elimination communication :))
Unschool Curriculum
As home schoolers, we often hear people ask what curriculum we use, or
concerned family members don’t understand how my kids are learning
since we don’t use textbooks and worksheets. I would like to take some
time to explain how unschoolers learn and how life is the curriculum,
and I plan to add over time to this with our real life experiences (on
the sidebar, click the tag/category called “unschool curriculum”).
Let me first state that unschoolers don’t have to understand how this
works for it to work. It is perfectly acceptable for an unschool
family to simply have faith and trust that their kids are learning and
live life without disecting their experiences and dividing it up into
academic subjects and justifying their choices to well-intentioned
loved ones. But in case you want to, or in case you don’t have that
faith:
I first learned the details of life learning from Mary Hood, in her
books on relaxed homeschooling. She talked about how you can take life
experiences and find how they fit into school subjects, like going to
a history museum could be reading (reading the plaques or preparing
ahead of time by doing some research), history, social studies
(interacting with other people, the drive to the museum was learning
about your city, etc.), math (if you were figuring anything that had
to do with dates), and so much more. She advocated that if you felt
some subject was missing from your kids’ lives, leaving a book on
something from the subject on the couch and someone was bound to pick
it up and want to share their new read with the family. There was a
lot more to it than just that, but I think you get the gist. She
talked about family-involved unit studies, where the whole family
could get very involved in learning something. She was very proactive
about learning things and organized (daily planners and journals to
keep track of stuff to “sort” later). Mind you, these books were
written several years ago, so maybe the Hood family are unschoolers
now? Relaxed unschooling is very similar to unschooling, but different
in that relaxed homeschooling still extracts learning from living and
may encourage certain things to get a more “well-rounded” academic
experience.
My next introduction to life learning was through my Child Development
class on preschool curriculum, called Creative Curriculum, which uses
a style called emergent curriculum. Emergent curriculum means that the
learning and the bases for it emerges from the learner, from the
child. If a child shows an interest in cars, for example, the teachers
role is to provide more opportunities for the child to explore with
cars, so maybe they will add some ramps and some different kinds of
vehicles and maybe some books about how cars work and a table to
explore building ones own cars (or whatever with wheels). There are
lots of ideas the teacher can impliment once they have taken their
cues from the child. Creative Curriculum is a series of books (for
different age groups) about how kids are learning through play. For
example, block play promotes social and emotional development,
physical development, cognitive development, and language development.
Kids learn literacy (vocabulary and language, understanding of books
and other texts, print and letters and words), mathematics (number
concepts, patterns and relationships, geometry and spacial sense,
measurement), science (physical science, life science, earth and the
environment), social studies (spaces and geography, people and how
they live), the arts (drama, visual arts), and technology (basic
operations and concepts, technology tools). These were taken from the
Creative Curriculum book, and if you want more or clarification on
anything, please feel free to ask. So, all of that learning that
happens with some blocks!!!! Kids can learn so much from every
experience that they have, especially when they are given time to get
into depth on a project, which is one of the luxuries homeschooling
affords. I was telling my oldest, yesterday, that one of my favorite
things about unschooling is that we can spend an entire day painting
(which we did, for the most part). It was amazing to see the learning
that I was witnessing from that activity — social skills between my
kids, art through painting, geometry through different kinds/styles of
painting, physics from body movement and paint properties, fine and
gross motor skills and fine-tuning, not to mention cognitive skills
like concentration, focus, manifesting something from our thoughts
into reality, etc. Where one person may see some kids with
paintbrushes and paint, another can see so much more. That can be
applied to any and all activities. I asked the teachers at the school
there if they thought this kind of teaching and learning could be
applied to older kids, and everytime they said definately. Got me
thinking about starting a private school for older kids in this fashion.
So, the next chapter in my life learning experiences was the term
unschooling, as applied to how children learn academic-type things.
This went right along with how I learned kids learn from the Creative
Curriculum, and the role of the parent seemed so very similar to that
of a teacher in the emergent curriculum model. Except, it wasn’t so
organized and documented — it didn’t need to be, because this was
your child so you didn’t have to prove how your child was learning in
your program or document to continue receiving funding or your
paycheck or whatever. Kind of like a difference between teacher and
parent — we don’t have 20 strange new kids who will come to us at one
certain level and our job is to pass on at the next level. We know our
children from before birth, we know the family members they get
certain traits from, we read the books with them or they can’t wait to
tell us about them so there is no need to quiz them on what they are
learning — we can just be with them and love the learning we witness
and are blessed to be a part of. With unschooling, there is this trust
that kids are naturally curious about the world around them and will
naturally adjust their interests to suit the needs that the world is
bringing to their attention. There is a lot more trust of the child
and the learning process in unschooling than in relaxed homeschooling.
The goal is to live learning, not extract learning from life.
Radical unschooling applies the concept of learning from life to all
areas of life, not just academics. So, the curriculum of radical
unschooling also involves bedtimes and chores and eating and teeth
brushing and television and many more things. We trust that our kids
are learning from every experience they have (“good” or “bad”) and are
capable of making the choices that feel right to them, and that this
should be good enough for us. We trust that nothing is black or white,
and look for the million shades of gray to find which one or so fits
our familes’ needs the best (that is touching upon consensual living a
bit, but radical unschooling really is about letting down our rigid
blinders and seeing the many ways things are done and all the learning
that comes from them ). It’s about trusting their development in all
areas and trusting the path that they chose for themselves, because we
know that so much learning is happening all over the place, if that is
what we are looking for…
Black & White
Growing up in a abusive/fear-filled household leads to definitions that are black and white, this or that. It’s hard to see the abstract because the abstract will get you a ton of hurt! You gotta know exactly where to step and where not to step.
Fish
Einstein has a quote that goes somethig like “If you judge a fish by
how well he can climb a wall, he’s gonna spend his whole life thinking
there is somethig wrong with him”. Well, I’ve sooooo been there. Done
tryin to scale walls — I love swimming, and if my kids love swimming,
too, then we are gonna swim. And if they decide at some point they
want to try scaling walls, they can try that, too. Or maybe they are
meant for running marathons. Or flying. Who knows. Like I said, if I
like swimming and they like swimming, then we swim. And we are
swimming, and we are finding other fish and feeling really good about
it. But there is this other fish who is trying so hard to scale walls
and seems to be judging us harshly for loving swimming and not
continuing to try scaling walls when it will never work for us. We are
fish.
Monopoly on Healthy Kids
This is an excerpt from something I wrote back in January:
I was talking with my son’s dad about my parenting style, and it kinda clicked for me that although I love my new parenting style, I don’t think we have a monopoly on happy, well-adjusted kids. What I think it does is aligns with my personal and parenting values of freedom, authenticity, dignity, self-guidance and more; it aligns with my means and my goals. I don’t think it is objectively the best way to raise a child – it is a very subjectively valued thing. I mean, me as a fellow mom, sees it as the best for children and wishes it for every child, but on a bigger scale, I feel like I know that is a subjective judgment. The scary part about proclaiming it is the best way to raise a child is that, best case scenario, people expect radically unschooled kids to be child prodogies or excel in some ways. I think it is fair to say that RUed kids are kids, just accepted for who they are and possibly more in-touch with themselves and their personal goals than the average traditionally schooled and parented child. It is amazing and exciting and wonderful to me, to the umpth degree, but it is also “so what”/normal to me. I often find traditional or mainstream groups having the impression that their way of doing things has the monopoly on safety, child’s best interests, adjustment for future life, etc., and I realized that I don’t want to feel that way back.
Play Fighting
Posted this elsewhere in January of this year. Wanted to share it here:
This has been one of the biggest at my home, recently. Noble loves loves LOVES to play this way; guns, swords, karate, the whole shabam. Being a peacemonger, this was concerning to me. I was constantly worried over the future reprocussions of the whole thing: what was my son going to become by playing this way? And I also worried (and sometimes still do) about people’s perspectives on his playing like that and [enter: the HORROR] me letting him or even playing with him and “encouraging him”. Now, I feel very differently… I see all of his play as his way of processing life and the things that he has seen and heard, etc. I see this as his way of exploring it and figuring out just where he stands with it, and I trust that he will stand in a place that aligns with HIM. I also see that by accepting this form of play as “as valuable” or “not less valuable” than any other kind of play, I am not creating a complex for my child over it, and I am loving him unconditionally and non-judgmentally. I still find myself sharing with strangers, in hopes that they will not judge him or I things like, “He is experimenting with good guy/bad guy these days – right now, he is a bad guy.” I hope to feel comfortable enough in the future that I don’t worry about other people’s opinions on the matter. There was a lot more to this during the process, but I have internalized it so fast, and I don’t rememberwhat all else went into my insight on this topic. I just know that my judgement on this style of play has disipated, and I hope he finds plenty of kids to play with :)
My friend, MB, shared this* on it:
playful parenting has some good stuff on this topic, as i recall. (author: lawrence cohen). i took away some of the same types of thoughts you are sharing here… the main one being that playing through these themes is how children get THROUGH them rather than stay stuck in them, and embracing that type of play as the parent helps them process through it much more easily, thoroughly, and be much less stuck… he had some good tips of how to actually go about doing this.
My friend, Grace K. shared this*:
Great insight! Yet another parenting idea you have brought up that I hope to internalize. I can totally wrap my brain around that. Children play that way to experiment with the ideas of morality, good and bad, and what it means to them.
I shared this:
The great thing about guns is that we don’t need physical ones, they find a way if they want to play with them bad enough – you can’t take away their fingers! LOL Also, I have found that not having any judgment on my kids’ forms of play makes them nonissues – I would hate to cause complexes in them by not allowing them or in any way diverting them. If it is something my son loves, I love it as much as I would love any other interest he has. That is my current truth on that. It has been a wonderful journey, to watch him grow and develop, and to watch myself. My views on play are very different than they were not too long ago. I REALLY see play as a way of processing life and of finding joy, in whatever form that may be, and I have found that I trust my son to know what is best for him and what interests him, and I fully support that, because I see it all as beneficial, even if only in ways that he understands. And, once again, but I can never say it enough (affirmations and all :), I trust my son <3
What an amazing journey parenthood is <3
My friend Kim C. shared this*:
as a mom of a son who was forever making guns and swords as a tot, whether I let him have those kinds of things or not, I didn’t want him to feel ‘wrong’ or bad for his innocent play. Also, there I believe testotrone does trigger desires to protect. He is acting out as hero, and my son would do this, as he got older his ideas of hero got more sophisticated, and now he totally into world peace.
he out grew guns and swords, around 5, I can’t remember all i know is he was playing this way at 2 and 3. he is 11 now, and only plays this way if a toddler wants to engage him in a sword fight, and he is open and loving to little kids and letting them have glee and fun.
he is strongly against wars, and avoids shoot up movies too, and I let go of trying to control his play, my dh told me he played similarly as a young child, and he grew up to be pacifist overall. (he will protect in moments of emergency or attack)
* = editted to extract essence of topic :)
My Way
The highway is other people’s ways :)
I keep finding myself replacing one person’s “not my way” with another
person’s “not my way either”. The problem isn’t so much other people’s
way, because I can see the logic and FEEL how different my family
interactions would be if these ways were parts of our truths. The
problem is that I am bouncing me off of them, not them off of me, and
I am assuming my ways of doing things are wrong and not searching out
their purpose in my life. Also, because they aren’t situated in my
life in an alignment (because they didn’t grow from me), they don’t
fit just right, and I feel disconnect and dissatisfaction grow from
those areas. The biggest one I am thinking right now, so far, is
unconditional parenting. I need to situate my connection with my lids
before I start growing that in our life. When I took away praise and
“my opinions” from my oldest, she felt the loss, and now we are trying
to reconnect. I hope it is obvious that I am not saying UP doesn’t
work or anything — I guess I am just working on so much in life and
my relationships that this isn’t the right time for us to dive in
(being the radical mama I am, I tend to avoid baby steps — lol).
What I am learning more and more is that I need to follow OUR path
that has different flavors (connection, continuum, attachment,
unconditional, life learning, etc.), buuuut I need to find my way with
them. Being an “always a learner”, I trust that I will never find a
destination with any of them — my relationship with them and
understanding of them will be forever evolving and changing.
How powerful to be on my way :)
Let the Whys Begin!
So, Noble turned 3 in March, and the “why?”s have already begun :)) It
can be exhausting, but it is so exciting!!!! I keep having flashes of
this funny skit by Kat Williams, where he is talking about how his son
is asking him question after question, until Kat Williams starts
crying. Upon inquiry from his son, Kat Williams says, “Cuz Daddy don’t
know sh*t!” lol. These questions certainly help me realize what I may
or may not know :)) I love having these interesting conversations with
my son — talk about processes in freedom!! Why IS this or that a
certain way??? Why can’t an octopus talk, but they talk in books and
on movies? Lots to think about — layers of interesting food for
thought :)
I have to say, though, that my favorite part about this stage with my
son is that I love that he is asking questions, and I want to keep
intact him questioning about life. I seem to remember, with Kassidy
(my oldest) focusing on answering things for her and sometimes asking
her why she thought “…”. Albeit kind and loving, my goal was to
complete her questions and her questioning phase. With Noble, I don’t
ever want it to stop!!! Well, maybe he can progressively ask himself
more often, than just me — lol. Kass has been gone at ren fair all
weekend, so she hasn’t experienced this yet. I wonder how she will
like his insatiable new interest in the world around him :)). I wonder
how her lack of patience may impact him on his path… Learning is so
exciting to me. The more I watch my children unfolding while we are on
this unschooling journey, the more exciting it is. Unschooling rocks!
It is so obvious and apparent to me, how can anyone question it’s
validity? That is so foreign to me now!!! All I see is learning and
living. Life is such good stuff.
My Role
I think a lot about my role in my kids’ lives. I prefer to live intentionally, and so I am very thoughtful about the impact I am having on my kids (or not). I wrote this not too long ago:
I really want my kids to trust themselves, to keep that sense of self intact. I want them to continue to think for themselves, not start to rely on me for information about a situation. I want to just be present with my kids. I feel like I am undermining it, by trying to “teach” or “guide” or even offer unsolicited “insight” at moments. I think that the unsolicited part is really the key. When I shut up and just watch my kids evolve, I see so much personal growth for them and for me! I am constantly reminded of how brilliant they are and how they always learn for themselves. Just like I trust that they learn their academics through real life, I trust that they are learning the rest of life through real life, too :) They don’t need me to “teach” them these things, and I feel like my teaching is undoing their learning.
I was trying to figure out how I felt about offering advice to them. Currently, I feel like my “advice” IS an offering, and they don’t need to take it. I feel like I am a strewing opportunity for my kids: my advice and stories and interests and all of that are one way of doing things and may offer some insight if they want it. Recently, I read this by Scott Noelle:
:: Helping vs. Co-creation ::
Q: How do you know when it’s appropriate
to offer your child help/assistance?
A: When the offer feels *inspired* rather
than fear-based.
If you’re coming from a perspective that your child is
helpless, damaged, weak, incompetent, lost, wrong,
etc., then your “help” will only give power to that
belief. It won’t feel inspired to you, and it won’t
inspire your child to connect with his or her Power.
But if you consciously shift your perspective to one
in which you see your child as capable of finding his
or her way, you won’t feel like you “should” help, and
you probably won’t offer to help unless asked.
However, you might be *inspired* to get involved in a
way that doesn’t feel like you’re a “have” helping a
“have-not” — it’ll feel more like two souls playing
together, co-creating purely for the joy of it!
http://dailygroove.net/helping
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2010 by Scott Noelle
I think he is really onto something… I also wrote:
I am finding the importance of making sure my children know that I am human, like anyoe else, like they are. I learn, I evolve, I change, I try something a million times before I figure it out, I am not always correct or accurate or “right”. This is something I am figuring out for myself, as myself. I am finding my balance between accepting myself as perfect as I am, and accepting that I don’t have to be right about everything, that it is okay for me to make a mistake or be incorrect about something, etc.
And:
You’re Not the Boss of Me: This is my new favorite line recently. It really helps me be clear on where I end and someone else starts. Whether it be someone trying to get me to do something, or if I feel like someone is wanting me to feel a certain way, or if I find myself trying to control my kids (then I imagine them saying it). It is just a very clear little phrase that often has me laughing, too, when I think of it (and humor is like the spoon of sugar that helps it all go down easier). I offered it to Kass, too, in case she ever wants to use it for when I don’t catch myself trying to tell her what to do :) What a fun phrase :D
And:
“I” and “You”:
So, I have been thinking a lot recently about my language during interacting with my children. I am focusing a lot, on my path currently, on listening.
I recently realized that I really like the way it feels when I use “you” language during connecting with my children. When they are upset or telling me something, I might say, “You are upset!?” or “You like to do that, hah?” :) It feels so good, really tuning into them, rather than making it about my story, about “I”.
When I am being authentic, it feels very good to use “I” language. I might say, “Gosh, I really don’t want to play that game right now.” or “I don’t like the way it feels when you do that.” or “I’m really concerned for him when you do that.”
I really love disinguishing the difference between the two :)
And:
Respect:
I often hear this word used by parents in reference to how they parent or interact with their kids. I think it is one of those words (like love) that can have very different out-picturings. I use those words as a vehicle to understanding and accepting parents who do things differently than I do. I am really striving to connect with other parents these days, to know that they are doing what they feel is respect and love with their children. I just see it as different than my way of expressing it. Lemme explain:
Respect: I respect my kids to make their own choices, whereas some other parents respect their kids to help them manifest the outcomes that the parent sees as most favorable. I don’t see either as “better”, just more aligned with whatever goals one has.
As I am understanding these things, I am finding myself able to align myself better with what feels right for my family, and also to be enveloping of other parents on their paths. I prefer to spend my time with likeminds, and I enjoy seeing the benefits of this (oftentimes in comparison to more mainstream groups), but I always welcome an opportunity to connect with another person in shared understanding :)
This was posted in a group that I am in:
I try to respond to dischord between my kids and to their individual meltdowns with honest, compassionate expression of my feelings about the situation. We keep a conversation going about living and being human. I don’t let myself get caught up in a fantasy of ever-happy kids and I don’t hold myself directly responsible for keeping everyone perfectly happy. I just try to do my best and relax.
This was a piece of a moment I was having (full post in “Athenticity” post):
It seems that instead of trying to mediate life or interactions, my role is to nourish hurt feelings and support experiences and opinions and listen a LOT and answer mostly only when asked. I see being controlling as a form of fear of trust (a friend shared this key with me), but I DO trust when I rethink and align what I am fearing/controlling and my current understandings, and I am learning to trust even further.
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One thing I am learning to trust is my feelings. I am less uncomfortable with discomfort (haha @ that sentence). I used to stuff or stuff myself or hide or hide from or get upset or get angry from discomfort. I am starting to understand that leaning into discomfort is exquisite emotionally, an opportunity to learn about me and my opinions and what triggers me (all of life that I experience is a reflection of me — what is being reflected?). When I mediate life to avoid discomfort, I am missing out on experiences to reflect on myself and shake out old stuck feelings. When I mediate life for my children, I am robbing them of learning experiences, too, which is especially important since we are unschoolers/life-learners/whole life unschoolers. I learn more from intensity (that is WHY it is intense!), and avoiding intensity is like avoiding life, avoiding growth, avoiding learning, avoiding self. Mediating myself (like those social training things we internalized from our childhood) is avoiding making an impact, and then I compensate by trying to (only) make a big positive impact by sharing all of my “good, positive” stuff.
I’m still situating my understanding of my role in my kids’ lives and my responsibility to them and to me. I like the path I am on. That’s a good start, in the very least :)
Wild Sacred Soul 