Shameless Confession-festo!
Wowsers! I wrote this over a year ago, and it sat in my drafts, probably waiting in knowing that this day would come. I am sharing this one with the world, and I’m not changing anything or “finishing” it. Here ya go!
I don’t do anything perfect, and recently I have decided to shrug off trying. I just do whatever comes up and know that there will always be more inevitably. My work is truly never done (even when I previously thought it WAS perfect).
My house is not peaceful or gentle — it mortifies most traditional folks, and it can be embaressing around my more radical folks, especially when my daughter or I lose it. But what it is wildly loving, authentically interesting, and wholey sincere.
We value the sacred, but are not reverant. I let my kids touch my alter stuff, throw my special stones in their water table and watch the splash they get with glee, smudge up my Gaia statue with fingerprints, draw in my grimoires… It’s the kids-version of spirituality, and I think the goddess, being the mama she is, wouldn’t be nearly as offended as some of her followers.
I am a word weaver. So, my mistypings are either intentional playing with words or not important enough to go back and fiddle with after the flow. It just is what it is, regardless of the fact that some see it as an indicator of one’s professionalness or education. Well, I just have one thing to say to those… :P (that’s me sticking my tongue out — I’m so mature and professional).
I’m gonna live my life, and that will probably include giving up a beautiful home and all our hard-earned belongings and living in a hippie-mobile, one gas tank at a time, one panoramic view out our windows at a time, one new sunrise at a time. That also means the likelihood of my kids being formally educated plummets like my own reasons to conform.
I am wildly in love with myself. I am so fascinating to me — everything I am interested in interests me (haha, go figure!). It’s like living with my favorite person in the whole world. Yay me! I can’t wait to see me grow and explore a self-designed lilfe.
In my family, we gender-bend. My oldest daughter looks and acts like a feminine boy — you can only begin to imagine ;) My son’s favorite shirt is a pink seahorse Eric Carle one, and he is the sweetest softest person in the family, even when he is fighting bad guys. My baby girl is built like a linebacker and tickled by painted nails, jewelry, and new shoes as she romps around in the mud and explores the world independently. I am a big tussled ball of beauty ideals and gender and sexuality (a nuther post). We just do what we feel inspired to do, regardless of it’s origin (nature or nurture).
Our life looks so mainstream. My kids and I partake in as much TV, video games, play fighting, yelling in anger, refined sugars, impulsive shopping as our hearts desire. And I won’t feel guilty about it or afraid.
Our life is so radical. I value my kids and myself having as much pure freedom to learn our own comfort levels and self-direction as possible in the context of judgeless equality.
Radical Curiosity
So, I have been thinking recently…..
Children are innately curious. They want to explore and understand and experience the mysteries in life that matter to them. This is why children are born for unschooling. This is why unschooled kids will learn everything they could ever need to know about living and about the world. As they explore something, what they understand becomes less mysterious, so they move on to the next mystery, or further into something where they see more mystery.
When we forbid a child from something, we shroud it in mystery. Have you noticed that children gravitate toward the things we are resistant to, the things we say “no” about, the things we really don’t want for them? Even if we don’t say it, but feel it, they sense the big interesting space they are being ushered away from. And if they are curious enough, they want to know more.
I have noticed that in strict disciplinarian homes, the children who are the biggest “trouble-makers” are the ones who are the most curious about everything, especially the things they have been forbidden to experience. It seems to me that when we make rules, we rob the child of the opportunity for learning about that thing. Some kids are such insatiable learners that they will continue to try to learn about it, and they get labeled as “defiant” or “trouble” or something like that.
In our unschooling life, as an experience of life learning, I strive to open up to my children learning about whatever they come into contact with. Sometimes that means working through my own personal comfort with something – I am so grateful for these opportunities to iron out my own wrinkles, to more fully integrate my newer found values into my timeless self.
I ground myself deeply in my knowledge that my children can & deserve to make their own choices and bury my toes in trust that they will always follow what is meant to be their path since I live to keep their own unique selves intact. I trust the nature inside them. They come from such a healthy place inside that the unhealthy will not last long, even if they want to explore it. They are free – free to make their own choices and to learn quicker because they have less complications than I often do :)
Sometimes my fears are rooted in another issue entirely. A common one for me is I haven’t provided a fulfilling enough environment, so they will make choices from a place of hunger, rather than a place of healthy curiosity. And then I remember that I worry about my choices coming from that place, but I don’t really worry about them coming from that place — their whole life has been so different from my own childhood.
Or maybe the fear is something different (a common one I hear from people) — like a fear of allowing their child to eat whatever they want because diabetes runs in their family or something. I find trust in my child again when I remember that I cannot know why or how someone else developed their disease, especially with my own understanding of how dis-ease takes root and grows. Whoever had that disease is not my child, was probably not free to live and learn in joy and respect.
I used to want my child to make decisions from a “healthy” and “balanced” place. But I have found that, for myself, sometimes I am drawn to something BECAUSE it will bring me back to healthy and balanced. I always trust that when I am drawn to something, it will be good for me. And even if it isn’t, I get over it faster when I let go of the crap that tells me it is “bad” or “unhealthy” and just get my fill. Afterall, unhealthy has no place in healthy. And something only feels unhealthy when it becomes complicated and over worried about.
What IS unhealthy anyway? That is a good question. We may be able to come up with some easy things: candy, drugs, violence, etc. But what if they were just a part of learning? I learned about a lot of things by trying them and realizing they weren’t for me. Or I got my fill early and easily, so I didn’t get stuck in them. The things I did get stuck in had nothing to really do with those things, and more to do with why I wanted to do them. When I can heal the reason for doing something that doesn’t feel good, the thing just falls away naturally.
Maybe I see something as unhealthy, but that is my own limitation, and it has nothing to do with the actual thing or my child’s experience with it. I think TV and video games are a good example of this. When I demonized them, I thought of the time they spent watching TV or playing electronic games as unhealthy, and when I let go of my issues with it and saw it for simply what it is, I was able to see my child’s relationship with it, and I knew it wasn’t unhealthy.
When I was seeing it as unhealthy, I was creating an unhealthy situation, too. My resistance (even though unspoken) made them more drawn to it. When I worried that they were zombified, they became more dull. Even when I tried to shift and be more proactive, by doing more of what I wanted (more outdoor activities, more TVless play, etc), it was still in reaction to a feeling that the watching a TV was unhealthy, and it didn’t feel free and zen. I was worried about how their brains were developing, and I was worried they were going to learn their ABCs from a cartoon rather than “real life”, and I was worried they were going to mimick the fighting and the interaction styles, and I was worried they were going to want the things they saw (toys, or to go to school).
When I let go of my fears and trusted and lived one moment to the next and observed, I found that my children used TV the way they used every other thing in their life: to bring joy into their life, to have something new to explore and play and experiment with. I saw TV as an opportunity to connect with my child — we would watch stuff together and laugh together and play together and reenact things together. It was just another way our family had fun.
Now, I have no idea how much TV they watch or video games they play. I don’t monitor them, so I couldn’t tell you if it is a lot or a little, but I can tell you it varies every day, every week, every season. I can tell you there are days I wish they would watch more (because it means less mess for me or “interruption” when I am trying to do something) and days I wish they would watch less (like when we are boondocking and electricity is limited). What I can tell you is I trust whatever they want to do, and I feel so comfortable with the whole thing that I often forget that some people aren’t.
Okay, so this post turned into a train of thought, but it is full of such deliciousness that I am going to leave it as is. I hope it gives you plenty of food for thought to chew on for a while :)
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| If someone says “Curiosity killed the cat”, remind them the cat had 9 lives :) |
This Self-Guided Journey
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| Yes, another pic of the road from the driver’s seat :) |
I am a radical unschooler to the depths of me. I am proud to be realizing how deeply I have internalized this philosophy that feels so right in my head and in my heart. Maybe that is why I am so easily integrating it? I feel like it and I are the same.
So far, the last few months have been an experience of opening myself up to the raw, to the authentic, to searching for alignment during all of this. I often feel lost and overwhelmed by what I have done. Sometimes, I wonder what the heck I just did. Once or twice I have even asked myself if this was the right thing to do.
Parts of me wants to climb back under the covers and bury myself in familiar comfort. But a bigger part of me has undertaken an adventure, and the deepest depths of my soul reply with a resounding yesssssssssss, when I ask if this was right. (Plus, I can crawl up on a blanket in a park and get the same comfort — oh, yeah, baby!)
It can be scary, but it is right. Even if I regret that I gave up my free housing to return to someday, even if I am already ready to ditch the RV. I never would be where I am right now if I hadn’t experienced what I have so far. I never would have been ready for a house again if I hadn’t ditched the house I had and given my all to this path. I always would have wondered about this RV if I hadn’t followed the inside of me that said it was right — it didn’t have to be right for forever, but it was right when it was right.
This is a self-guided journey, and I am thankful that I am very attuned with my self. I know what I want, even if I am not always sure how it is going to happen. Sometimes, I get scared when I feel something calling me — I am not always trusting of myself or my journey, and that is shifting more and more.
I get questioned a lot (who doesn’t when they exit the throes of traditional living?). Now that I am internalizing “I am a self-trust master”, I feel less inclined to justify myself or even answer questions. Is it my job to calm other’s fears about my life (especially when every answer has been covered in depth in my blog LOL)? I think there are no better answers than to just live it and let people see. And people often seem uncomfortable when someone isn’t sure about things, so it is just easier to keep living my truth on my path, than express to people that I don’t know something but that it is okay. I am flying by the seat of my pants, and this is AMAZING right now! It is meant to be, and it is healing, and it will all be okay.
It is okay. I can comfort people in their anxiety about my path, the way I wish I had been comforted as a child with anxiety… It’s okay, and I will be present with you until you feel okay (even if it is just holding a space of “okay” in our relationship).
I am feeling very strongly aligned with my truths these days. Moreso than ever before. I guess when I cleared away all the gunk piled on top of my Truth, my Truth is clearer and more demanding. It’s been quite a treat coming out of denial (and I don’t mean the river in Egypt) about things. Getting real. And I mean real real. Like “f*ck it if they don’t get it” real — I’m tired of all the busywork. Tara calls this “nailing it”. At least, I hope this is it… I’m still in the early learning stages.
This self-guided journey means that it is guided BY me, OF me, FROM me, FOR me. And that may mean that folks see me driving in circles, crying and feeling lost, and appearing to backstep, but it is all forward, and it is all coming from within — a self-guided journey.
It is Fall, and I am LIVING deconstruction right now, watching things die away from my life, celebrating old leaves drying up and becoming compost for new growth. I am looking forward to hybernating for a while this Winter in retreat, and then rebirthing like a pheonix this Spring. By Summer, I should be rejuvinated and bursting with life! Haha, as if I am not already… hahahahahah
Today has been a chocolate-covered macadamia nut day, with my journal close. I started the day in sweats and boots and a hoodie — oh yeah, THAT kind of day. Yummy for the insides :))
I am ready to undertake probably one of the biggest parts of this journey: social anxieties. I am ready to heal through relationships, ready to meet my peeps in person and be vulnerable and authentic and invite rejection and acceptance. How F-ing scary! These people I have been loving and sharing with for years, who know the depths of my soul but not how I am actualizing them or not — will they see me and “catch me” being an imposter? Will they see through me and see that I am just a wanna be, a poser? Will they see inside me, and will they unconditionally accept what they find? Can I?
Even bigger than that, can I be comfortable leaning on them for help? Found a landmine — I will be back about that later.
Alright, enough babbling about my view of my journey from this spot.
Please, PLEASE share with me about how you exercise being assured of your own self-guided journey.
p.s. – I forgot to mention my whole point, which was that I trust my path, and I am just following it for what it is. I know all the answers I have been searching for are on the journey when I stop resisting.
I’ve Gone Too Far…
…to turn back now.
With a big gigantic world out there and all this research I have been doing, these walls around me feel really ridiculous.
This location now feels so small to me, and things that used to feel like barriers now feel like pebbles.
Sometimes people say that if you aren’t happy where you are, that you will never be happy elsewhere, but I have to disagree for myself. If I am unhappy, it is a signal that something needs to change, and sometimes that change is inside and sometimes that change is outside.
Sometimes people want to pad my possible disappointment and so tell me not to count on this big change to be the cure to what is ailing me. I say, following my heart wherever it will lead me is always the cure to what is ailing me. I have been afraid to count on this movement to be the healing, in case this stuff follows me, but I have decided that I am going to count on it. Mostly because I believe that the Law of Attraction will manifest whatever I believe into my life. And partly because “why the heck NOT believe it?” I chose to believe in unicorns. Who says they don’t exist? Maybe it isn’t finding the unicorn that actually heals, but the believing?
I am excited about designing my life in all new ways. Last night, I wrote in my journal, “One of my favorites about nomadic living is the repeated opportunities to practice reinventing myself :) Or re-embracing myself <3 I want to be unapologetic <3” (yes, I write hearts and smiley faces in my journal :)))))
A fresh slate sound so delicious to me right now. So does a deep soulful retreat. I need some deep cleaning and some new growth. It is time.
In fact, I am constantly cycling through this need for deep cleaning and new growth, so instead I am going to say “It is time for what is now coming.”
As I make big big BIG room in my life for this new lifestyle, what am I going to let go of? What am I going to lay to rest or leave behind? As I let go of this current world where I and it have mutually defined me, who will I be when I have a clean canvas to paint on and limitless colors to chose from? Who will I someday come back here as, to visit someday? Who will I find myself to be out on the open road, in the contexts of a million different cultures and experiences and connections and jaw-dropping views? What bits of me will find validation, truth, death?
What about this amazing experience for my children? How will this impact them? Who will they find themselves to be on the open road, and how will they grow that person into a life someday?
I am excited to be open to how these answers will find us on this journey, both on the road and in life. I have some peeks, but I know that I have no idea. It is going to be way grander than I could ever imagine from this limited vantage point. But from the opening around the corner from this cave, where I can see the big gigantic world that is beckoning me, it sure looks full of magnificent promises. I am walking toward the opening, and I look forward to being out of here and into the big open world <3
I am excited about leaving all this stuff behind, picking my favorites, and bringing them into our new world. I am excited about all the abundance our life is going to envelop and exude. I am excited about the impermanence before us and my feelings toward perfection.
I have been entertaining the idea that I am okay with leaving things behind that will make me sad, even though ideally, I would have wanted this to be perfectly easy to move on from. And I am okay with knowing that I can’t do everything. How liberating! I can’t do everything.
I am okay with things not being perfect (more on that in a later post). Things aren’t perfect now, so why should “perfect” stop me from living imperfection against a different backdrop of my life?
I am okay with beloveds not understanding, and even with them being concerned and maybe a tad worried. That is their journey. Hopefully they find peace <3 Honestly, my journey is my concern, and right now, I’m concerned and a tad worried about the state of my current life, and I need to follow my bliss. It would be lovely if they could support that <3 And it will still be lovely if they don’t <3
This is just so right for us.
You know what I find funny sometimes? When a child scratched their knee doing something, and someone says something to the effect of, “Aww, you shouldn’t have been doing that, huh?” or “You won’t do that again, huh?” ………… Hmmm….. Not my style. Getting hurt is often the result of risk — does that mean we should life minimizing risk? Does that mean that we shouldn’t jump back out there and possibly get a skinned knee again? Or worse? Does getting hurt inherently mean that we should not do something? And does staying “here” mean no hurt will come to us?
Well, I am okay with going out there and getting hurt. It’s no different than staying here and getting hurt, except we will have a better view. And we will have, at least, tried to fix the dis-ease that engulfs us sometimes.
Oh, yes, there is no turning back :)))
Best
I had a long and thoughtful post typed out for you on the touch screen of my ipod while laying in bed under cozy sheets. And the battery died and I lost the whole thing. I guess the universe wanted to devour it and keep it all to itself — it really was that good ;)) So, now, you will have to settle for my whole-hearted attempt to recapture the already processed and pretty well-digested thoughts (they went down so smoothly).
Best. My last post was about feeling like my best wasn’t good enough. Well, today I have decided to exit myself from the tyrany of “best” altogether.
Guess what – my “good”, my “bad”, and my “ugly” are enough, too. I come inherently validated and justified. I don’t need to earn it. The rein of me as an over-achiever has come to an end.
And my house is good enough when it is “good”, “bad”, or “ugly”, too. I don’t need to give in to my OCD or the perfectionist anxiety that swells inside an insecure me who didn’t know true acceptance or self-love, who thought it came in a package of hard work (and was probably counter-productive).
And I’m not going to hold myself or others up to a “best” standard either. Everyone can clean, interact, and grow in whatever ways their self-formulated truths see fit. I’m going to take a moment to laugh at that last sentence. Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaa. Of COURSE they can. It just took me a moment to realize that everyone was already doing that, and I suddenly realized that no one needs a boss.
In fact, as it turns out, the “best” way for me to love myself and others and to be joyful and substantial in life is not through working toward perfection, but through being mediocre (bye-bye, over-achiever), and I look forward to holding myself and my children up to that standard, so I can revel in their mishaps and laugh with them in the face of bold imperfection.
I no longer subscribe to an objective “best” way of parenting, for myself or for others, and I am taking moments of silence as I remember all the possible connections that died before they lived because I was lost in dogma, because I thought I knew something about their life that they didn’t, because I was consumed by guilt or fear of it (for myself and for you), and forcing something inside from the out and therefor limiting my own choices. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me for my imperfection, for my learning, for my insecure loving <3
I value the Mother Nature model, and it is going to take some time for me to deconstruct this massive building I have constructed upon this tiny assumption that Her way is “best”. It was constructed one website, one book, one conversation at a time. I know that I make the choice to live by Her model because it resonates for me (not because I have to, not because if I don’t…), and I wish you just as much peace in whatever model feels right to you <3
I can’t know for sure which one is “best”, and it sure has been a quest finding the “proof” to back my truth up. I don’t need that anymore, because I don’t have to prove anything. I’m not a missionary, and I’m not seeking to convert. I’m just a person following my insides and loving your’s. Besides, it doesn’t matter to me, because I have set “best” free – it was way too exhausting to try to keep up with, and it is a barrier to what I truly value, which is pure connection with all the real life on this earth, in every state of it’s existence and step on it’s path.
I appologize for every inorganic judgment I felt against mamas who made a choice that fit for their life and I thought it wasn’t “best”, or (it’s brother) I thought they could do “better”. Who am I? Obviously, I have never walked a day in your shoes, and if I had ever truly seen into your life, I would know that the choice you made fit seemlessly into YOUR life. I wish I had remembered that although I know I am capable of anything, I have learned that some things would drain me and therefor cannot be prioretized — I wish I had more completely applied this understanding to you. Who am I? I have no clue what your journey is all about.
I forgive myself for being so hard on me for not living as green as I hope to someday. I hope you will forgive me for being unwantingly judgmental of your “assisted” birth, of not breastfeeding, of not parenting in the way that depletes me and often incompacitates me and regularly has me stressed out about how I handled something. (How could you not want that for yourself? LOL) I no longer believe that there is an objectively “best” way to birth or nourish one’s child or guide one’s child through life. And I’m not interested in information or opinions that “best”monger.
What I am interested in is dancing with you, at your house or mine, laughing a lot, feeling anger swell inside me until my limbs tickle and then feeling it whoosh out (without judgment), skipping down my own path of life, going back to see if I missed something, taking a looooooong time to study the designs in stones, smelling roses, sprinting forward when I am feeling an inspired gush of energy, celebrating the seasons and moon phases and sun rising and setting, savoring the smell of clean laundry and sleeping babies and the sound of happily-squealing children…. Oh, I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. I have a big happy life to live, plenty full of stuff I want to enjoy and experience. That should keep me busy for a long time :)))
Mess
This post is going to be a bit of a mess, as I unpack (and situate) my current feelings on mess in my life.
I’m a single mom to 3, so mess is a big part of my life. Even before I had 3 kids, mess was an important aspect of my life, the aspect of life that I was able to be so controlling of. And I’m not just talking about toys strewn through the house or a kitchen in shambles (although, mine never is anymore – Ha!). I’m also talking about the emotional messes of current effects from yesterday’s causes, and of trying to prevent more in the tomorrows. I’m also talking about a life overfull of things I “must do”, not to mention all the bits and pieces from what I want to do.
Messes.
I feel like the opposite of mess is control. Control feels so safe to me, so good and simple. But it can also feel kinda sterile. I value wild, the nature-model, richness, depth. The dance between these has been an interesting one — sometimes one or the other leads, and sometimes I like who is the leader and sometimes I don’t.
But how much can I control? At what point does control become a mess? I mean, sometimes I want things SO simple that I am making messes of life to keep things THAT simple. And oftentimes when I am feeling the huge urge to have control, the fight against messes makes me a mess.
Some days I want a break from the messes, and then they pile up and become almost insurmountable when my break is finished.
I want people to be comfortable in my home, and I can’t get it clean enough to feel that people will be comfortable in it. Some people I know have told me they don’t want to come over because it is too “messy” (my word, not their’s) for them, but I can’t get it clean enough, and I certainly can’t KEEP it clean enough, especially with animals (a persnickety cat and a wild puppy). How messy is normal and okay (and people need to just get over it)? How much justification for control do I have here? I can’t tell if people are uncomfortable with my house or sensitive to my uncomfortableness with it… And I can’t gauge my own TRUE comfort with it, because my gauge is a big mess.
I recently wrote this elsewhere, “I am self-designed. There is no instruction manual for my life, so I don’t make mistakes.” Basically, I’m always learning and I make up the rules (as I go, often). This can be messy. I learn as I go, figuring out what messes need damage-control and which ones are good for all of us, and realizing that this changes and shifts as often as the messes themselves. Uncontrollable messes.
Connecting with another person is messy. There are times when things feel wonderful, like the essence of what it is all about in the first place. And then what about those tough times, those times when you may just have to call it all off because it seems too hurtful or pointless? Obviously, those are messy. What’s even messier is staying connected, regardless. Words and actions get tossed around all over the vulnerable place. If you’re not vulnerable, then you’re not connected. Can you stay connected? Through the blissful highs and the invertible lows? Can you make messes together and clean them up together?
What about a tribe? It’s like a family, but with lots more members, more potential for growth, for help, for love, for joy, for clashes, for mirrors to be put up to see your shyt, for more opinions, for hope… for messes, for mess. What about the messes a tribe doesn’t make together but deals with because of each member’s past? Who’s responsibility are THOSE messes? And is it fair (or possible) to find tribekins who are willing (and interested) in taking on big messes?
If I don’t think messes are inherently bad or wrong, why do I avoid them (or, at least, some)? I love the idea of messes much more than I love the reality of them. I also love the idea of a tidy and controlled life more than the reality of it — that part of me that craves the wild, the unknown, the mystery…
Is my fear of messes rooted in a fear of trust, in a lack of energy, or something I am not even aware of yet? Is it rooted in my past, which was a pretty weird life of (what felt like) extremes in wildness and control?
Does anyone else think about this stuff as often as I do? Does anyone else, literally, short circuit from anxiety over the prospect of a mess? Sometimes, I almost hyperventilate. It sounds funny, but I’m totally serious. I get so worked up (resistant to the mess and wanting to invite it) that I can’t even think straight to get creative about how to meet everyone’s needs.
I wasn’t always this way… When it was just me and Kass, I used to create opportunities for her to make messes. Okay, that’s not as accurate as I would like for it to be… Poor child never owned playdough or painted unsupervised (unmicro-managed). But I found ways to let her make messes with minimal clean up on my part (like playing in the mud and hosing everything off before it entered the house), and I didn’t MIND cleaning up “clean” messes (stuff I could control), like toys strewn all over the house, as opposed to paint drips in places I may not find (but someone else will) in time (ruining something or making it harder to clean later).
Maybe I just don’t know how to clean right? I’m kinda OCD about cleaning, wanting something to look perfect and brand new after I am done. When I try to not do it as good (and so am feeling vulnerable about this new way of trying to be), I’ve gotten called out on my “filth” and feel totally emotionally messy about the whole thing — messier than I already was.
Maybe I don’t have the help? It’s me responsible for everything for 2 cats, a puppy, 2 babies, and a preteen who is both the biggest mess-maker in the family and the most resistant to helping me clean (or cleaning on her own) — another mess, as I did many of the wrong things to get her to help me all of her past.
I am the messiest clean person ever lol
The babies love to help me clean, which usually results in more physical mess and less emotional mess (for them… I can’t promise the anxiety I feel when they sweep my pile back into the living room isn’t causing me more emotional mess).
I have lived a life devoted to avoiding making messes so I will have few to clean up. I don’t want that for myself or my kids. I am limiting our abundance. I can feel it. I’m saying, “No, no, no, no” when I WANT to be saying “Yes, yes, yes, yes.” Yep, it’s a fear of trust. I started to float down the river for a second and leapt up so fast I almost gave myself whiplash.
I fear messes. I don’t want to, hence the push and pull that is causing me anxiety and complications. Enough talking about where I want to go, and let me talk about the hurdles that keep appearing because I’m pretending I don’t see them on my way…
My mom tried to raise us to be middle class, but we bore the tell-tale signs of “poor”, and I am positively plagued by this now. I am painfully aware of every detail of my life that leads me to feel like people see me as poor (and therefor not of worth). Like my house being so dirty it makes people uncomfortable to be in, my kids’ clothes being stained and their hair unkept, my own slovenly appearance, my dirty and dinged-up van that makes a ticking sound (even the hippy stickers on the back window aren’t a band aid for “poor”), or my verbal onpouring when someone shows just a hint of interest in REALLY hearing about how I am doing. Realizing I just stepped over the class line with someone who cares = shameful embarassment for me (I should know better, etc.). And I don’t use the word “shame” lightly.
I have tried embracing this radically as a protest against class, as an opportunity to redefine the labels I use to identify myself (like “hippy” instead of “poverty”), and as an experiment in understanding my relationship with control, perfectness, self-acceptance, and mess. I’m grateful for all the intricacies of the journey, and I think I feel better today about the state of my home and my life than the 10-years-ago-me would have felt about the current state of my home and my life. Maybe that is progress, since my goal is to stretch and grow. But today my life feels like much more of a mess than my life 10 years ago did. Or maybe I’ve just traded in the mess? I was an emotional mess in a highly controlled environment, and today I am high controlled emotionally in a messy environment. Hahaha, okay, I am highly controlled emotionally, only in relation to the mess I was before! LMAO
What it comes down to is I feel something is off, and I can’t tell if it is inside me or outside of me. The journey to the answer is very long, and sometimes I wish it were shorter. And it’s a biggie in our lives, as we go from a “homeschooling bookshelf” to a “family-learning life”.
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| Why does it look better when SHE does it? |
The Joy of Following My Flow
Before I write about the joy of flow, or what following my flow looks like, I wanted to share what me resisting the flow feels like. I’ve been doing a lot of it for a long time.
Enjoy following the joy of your flow :)
I Just Wanna Celebrate
Yesterday was my birthday. Birthdays have never meant more to me than after the freebirth of my youngest. Now, I want to really truly celebrate the birth, for the person and the mother who birthed them.
As a side note, have I mentioned my new birthday party plans? When we get invited to a child’s birthday party, I plan to give the gift in an attractive reusable grocery bag (instead of wrapping paper or a gift bag — why are those like $5 a pop and a reusable gift bag is a buck, anyway???), and I give the mom a card and the child a card :)
Birthdays are even more than just a celebration of the actual birth, though, too, right? For me, it is an opportunity to reflect on the years before and the years (or, specifically, the year) to come. What have I done? What do I want to do? What do I want to be thinking about when I sit here next year reflecting? Birthdays are a new years day of sorts :)) Where have I been? Where am I at? Where do I want to go?
Yesterday was a mostly average day full of special magic, as I spent the day wondering if I wanted to be [insert daily task] into my next year of living.
I decided that I wanted to bring this new simplified, organizied, and beautified life into my next year. It is completely organic, coming from the inside out, following my bliss, going with my flow, self-guided living and learning and all :)) I definitely want more of that in my next year!
And a couple of amazing coincidences happened yesterday as well… I happened to have decided the day before that I was done with coffee — I had been using it for liquid energy throughout the day, but I didn’t really feel good about my actual drinking coffee, and I am a strong believer of natural energy, self-perpetuating energy.
The other amazing coincidence that happened is that my dad and his wonderful amazing wife who I adore (who moved to Panama July of last year) happened to not only be in the States but were down in my neck of the woods yesterday, so they stopped by my place, and I got to spend the day enjoying their company and cherishing the connection that my dad and my son cultivated all day through playing and being silly together. DEFINITELY want more of that in the new year <3
What about me? I got clear on a couple things about my direction of self in this new year.
I don’t want to be so serious. There, really, is nothing in my life serious enough to be so serious about, and if something serious were to happen, the best thing I could do is not be so serious about it (Seriously? How many more times could I put the word serious in there? lol). My seriousness comes from fear, and I don’t need to have that. I have faith in me, in our path, and in the universe (pronoia: a fundamental belief that the universe is conspiring in my favor). My seriousness is a kindly indicator that there is fear in there about something, and I welcome the opportunity to unpack it a bit and realign it with current trust :)) I want to laugh when my child spills something and watch while my child makes a mess and comfort when my child is upset — not race to fix everything :) The best way I have found to do this is to be grateful. Simply grateful. If I am about to get upset that my son spilled his grape juice on the couch, I find gratitude that I have a couch, he has juice, and I have a him! Once I am grateful, the rest flows from a good place and so is only good (“good” — another post for the future, I guess!). Last night, I was SUPER tired, but my son really wanted to stay up and watch Netflix. Now, you may not know this about me, but I am an absolute bear when I am hungry or tired — I have a one-track mind and I lash out at anything that gets in it’s way. So, I just thought about ow grateful I was to have a son, to not have a schedule that demanded I would wake up without getting enough sleep, grateful that we lived a life of self-guided learning so my son could learn from all of this, grateful for the opportunity to practice being the not-serious mama, grateful for a son who I knew would be receptive to my need for sleep when he felt me being receptive to his need for more TV… and then we agreed to watch one show, and when that one show wanted to turn into more shows, I asked if he could watch it in the bedroom on my laptop while I slept, and he agreed. A night of joy, instead of forced, crying, sleeping boy <3
I want to follow my flow, wherever it takes me. I plan to write a whole post on this, so I will just simply say for now that regardless of if its “good” or “bad”, I just want to follow my flow, enjoy my joy. This is rooted in self-trust: what I want is what is best for me. Currently, I am SO in the goddess groove! I have been devouring this site and reflecting SO much on myself. I know, I said I was going to stop reading other people’s stuff and find my own way — and I have been! (I’m happy to report that last bit, hence the exclamation mark) I have found that when I limit the amount of stuff that I am reading and read really slow, that I am able to firmly ground myself in my truths and see where this new information fits into my path (not the other way around). It has been awesome — the realization that I can still read other people’s stuff, and what I have gleaned from it. I figure (going with “following my flow” and all) that if I am interested in it, it has something in it that I want more of in my life, so I determine what that is and grow it in my life :)) It’s so exciting!
I like the new year’s theme so far: self trust and following the good stuff.
I am partial to 3s — I think they make a big-picture well-rounded and thoughtful, so I am going to say that my third theme for this year is continuing with my past’s path. I have so much wonderfulness from my past and present that I am grateful for. I have these wonderful family living philosophies (radical unschooling and consensual living), and I have this amazing beautiful path that I have built behind me of experiences and self-reflections that are paving the way into the future. What a blessed life I have lived and will live and am living.
Updates and Tidbits
You may have noticed what seems to be some random posting today (and lots of it!). I am cleaning out another blog I had and posting some of it as new and some of it as archived (stuff from my journey, not info :)) I have updated the tabs at the top of the page as well, so check ’em out and provide feedback if you feel so inspired… Here are a few goodies that didn’t need a whole post to each of themselves :)
We are a radical unschooling family, which is the umbrella term that describes our style of self-initiated natural learning about all aspects of life. It flavors everything in our life, from our family interaction style to personal interests. It determines the ins and outs of our daily life and our grander plans for our future. We are also a consensual living family, so we strive toward mutually-met harmony. Our family interaction style emphasizes keeping each member’s internal compass intact, through trust, connection, authenticity, creativity, and lots of self-reflection.
And
I think it was Dayna Martin who shared that instead of thinking of her home as a museum, it was a workshop, a playground, a studio… This has really helped me to feel comfortable in my home. Now, when I look around, instead of seeing mess that makes my skin itch like nails on a chalkboard, I see a workshop, where clutter and mess and disaster, even, is expected and accepted. I still would like it to be clean (ideally, I want to clean dirt during the day and straighten up at night before bed), but I am completely embracing of it in whatever state it is in now. One simple word: workshop; and my whole perspective on a huge issue in my life changes. Amazing…
And
Daily Affirmation. I thought this might be a wonderful way to start off each day. I got it off the Rethinking Everything Conference e-mail update:
I am here for this and much more.
I am here knowing nothing & embracing it all.
I give my self fully in service, not because it is good or right but because it is what I want.
This is not a task but a dance, a dance that I love. I am ready.
And
Strewing is one of my favorite unschooling concepts. Strewing is the act of introducing new things into life – it is like tossing new things into a child’s path (and your own), and sometimes they lead to deeper interests in them. Some examples could be going to a museum, picking up some books from the library and leaving them somewhere in their view, going to a park day with a new group, making a food dish from another country, seeing a movie, getting cable, etc. The things is, though, to not get attached to the outcome of a child being interested in going further with it. It is just doing it for the sake of doing it. I trust that if my child is “meant” to learn more about it, they will show interest, and we can go from there.
One of the main reasons I love the concept of strewing is because I don’t feel so much pressure. I feel very comfortable with a seperateness of “our stuff” and “new stuff”, which helps me to prioretize my energy. For me, organizing life in this way really helps me to not over-commit, which I do SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. And then I can add a thing here or there and see if it takes, then incorporate it into our life before moving on to find another opportunity for strewing :)
**I have just started to see something else as strewing: my experience and opinions and whatever I have to offer my kids. So, when something happens that provides opportunity for me to talk, I understand that my POV is an opportunity for strewing :)
And
(from a yahoo group — author not me) Is there anything that happened to you when you were the same age as your son? It is common for your painful memories from your childhood to surface screaming for you to notice and integrate and release them when your child is the age you were when it happened.
And
The mental state called worrying is dreaming while we are awake.
Our worries also cause us to experience fear, anger, and grief.
Yet, when we extract ourselves from this mental daydream and examine our thoughts objectively, we perceive a worry as it is: A thought about something not yet occurred.
Therefore, a worry is an illusion; it contains no substance.
However, because of our inherent creative abilities, when we entertain a particular worry long enough, when it becomes a repetitive loop in our inner dialog, at some point on our timeline it manifests as an actual physical circumstance.
Why? Because worrying is a powerful prayer.
–Michael Brown
And
Posted on another group, I wanted to share how this phrase can be used as a tool. The phrase, “I love myself unconditionally” does not move me the way “What would it be like if I loved myself unconditionally?” Wow. I get flooded with possibilities with the second. So wanted to share this tool :)
And
“How much of your day is consumed by what you perceive you have to do? Rules you think you have to follow? Games you believe you have to play? What can you do to get out from under it all? QUIT! It’s the one choice we never seriously consider. Quit something you feel you must do and you’ll soon discover that you never had to do it in the first place. In the process you’ll discover what you really want to do. By letting go, you’ll experience the genuine fullness and vitality of truly living. Quitting is an easy read and it will free you in all aspects of your life.” — Jerry Stocking
That Unschool Flavor
Written about a yearago:
I have so many moments each day that just smell and taste like unschooling, moments every day where I am just so excited or content or relieved to be living this unschooling life — to be making up my own rules and finding my own meaning. It feels so delicious when I take notice of them and appreciate them so much for what they are.
At a craft fair yesterday, and there was this beautiful boy with wild curly dark hair and a big smile roughing around the front waiting for his mom who was also selling at the fair, and Grace says to me, “Doesnt he just have that homeschool flavor about him?” YES!!!!!!!!! He did. And I LOVE that flavor!!! It is a flavor that pulls me back from a moment, so I can appreciate it in contrast to everything else in life… that unschool flavor.
What is Unschooling?
Got this from the Rethinking Everything Conference preview (2010) e-mail.
What is Unschooling?
Unschooling, aka self-design, open source learning, or free range
education, is not something that we do to our children but largely a
process of unlearning, or rethinking, for us parents. Most of us are
products of the traditional school system which convinced us that
learning only happens when people with power over us – teachers,
parents – force, coerce or otherwise “motivate” us to absorb
information that people with power over teachers – education and
developmental experts – decided that we should know.
We were all born with a drive to learn that is more compelling than
almost any other instinct.
If we step back from the power struggles,
we can be allies with our children in learning, solving problems and
creating what John Holt called
“a life worth living and work worth doing.”
Unschooling is deprogramming, healing, regenerating.
It is remembering to relax and trust our own and our children’s
innate ability
to choose ideas and activities
that promote lifelong learning and growth.
How Does Unschooling Work?
Lives of the unschooled vary with each person and each family.
Unschooling can cost nothing or cost a million bucks. Unschooling at
its most fundamental is child-led learning, based upon the child’s
interests, developmental readiness, motivation and abilities, and
nurtured by parents and the community, their environment, geography,
curiosity, and each nurturing participant’s skills, talents and
enthusiasm for life. Each hour or each day may be different for the
unschooled child/teen or even routine and structured if the child
thrives on elements of routine.
There is no formula for unschooling how-to; the process of listening,
communicating, sharing ideas, exposure to people, places and events
begins to set the course for the directions an unschooled child will
desire his life to go.
Unschooling is a diverse and organic process
of discovering the world and one’s place in it,
all on the child’s terms.
Everything from sleeping/awake patterns, meal times, food
preferences, the extent to which she desires socialization, her
interest in reading, writing, playing, daydreaming, cleaning,
traveling, inventing, creating, etc. etc. now falls into the
empowered realm of the unschooled child, all occurring or not as a
function of the big wide world of internal and external stimulation
which enters her world constantly.
Whether the unschooled child spends hours behind a book, a
calculator, a computer, video games, playing fantasy games with
friends or alone, all is determined by the unschooled child and
nurtured by those who care for and about her.
In the unschooling family, parents are often challenged to unschool
themselves in the process, meaning that they too begin striving for
more freedom-to-be and following the dreams and desires they have for
themselves.
A successful unschooling family will be one where each person is not
only able to ask for and fulfill their ongoing preferences but each
is nurturing and supportive of the others.
Communication, experimentation, equality
and unconditional love are elements of
an unschooling family at its best.
The logistics of how, why and who does what in such a family is both
revolutionary and magical. The dynamics of every family are
critically different and the nuts and bolts of achieving harmony vary
accordingly. Such are the topics of the Rethinking Everything
conference!
How to Begin Unschooling
Watch your child and look for clues that tell you he is interested or
ready for something. This is happening all the time.
Fill your home with resources that excite your child and the list
will be different for each child. Inexpensive materials can be had
through store sales, thrift stores, hand-me downs, gifts, garage
sales. Many materials can be hand-made and books on how to make them
available through your library or interlibrary loan.
Teach yourself to be resourceful in ways that foster your child’s
curiosities. For example, if your child is bored with the local
parks, find new parks in new communities. If your child wants more
pets but you are at your pet limit, find others who can give him the
exposure to animals he is looking for: farms, pet stores, zoos,
rehabilitation organizations, pet sitting, etc.
Don’t follow any compulsion you feel for purchasing text books unless
your child asks for them. When she asks for them or for the type of
learning that only a textbook can offer, buy or borrow them! Just
because a child wants school books or college or structure – or
school for that matter – does not mean that unschooling is not taking
place. Remember that unschooling is simply child-led learning. When
she loses interest in the books, put them aside.
Expose your child to everything under the sun, and especially more of
those things that are of interest to him – there are no limits to
what they should or should not know; your child will make it clear to
you how much information he needs at any given time.
Subscribe to magazines and buy/borrow books that follow your child’s
interests, rent/buy DVDs, venture out and find people who can foster
your child’s interests and curiosities. It’s OK and totally normal to
not have all the answers and in fact, a valuable learning experience
for both of you. Tell your child honestly when you don’t know a thing
or have never thought about what he is talking about or asking for.
Brainstorm together on how you find out what your child wants or
needs to know.
Stop telling your child what to do. If a thing must be done, such as
brushing one’s teeth or leaving the house to shop, etc. and your
child does not want to do it, treat him the way you would like to
have someone treat you in similar circumstances: sometimes being
straightforward and rational and honest is most effective, sometimes
turning it into play works. Respectful communication and your child’s
critical need to trust what you tell him will allow each of you to
want to help meet each other’s needs and enjoy doing it.
Don’t worry when it seems like your child is just playing all day –
developmental experts agree that huge amounts of play are critical to
their development of intelligence. Some experts believe that play
should be all we do, whether we are “working” or not. (Shouldn’t work
be play?)
Play dates and times should always be set by the child, not the
parent. If you cannot accommodate your child’s wish to have a friend
spend as much time at your house as you believe is possible, for
example, help your child figure out how she can meet her needs in
other ways.
Encourage your child to spend their time in ways that bring them
feelings of joy and contentment. Do not put yourself in the position
of being an enforcer of all that your fear and experience tell you
she should be doing with her time. Bribery, coercion, punishment and
rewards do not work and only make your life more stressful and
difficult. Never use time-out. Discipline is never useful or
productive – self-discipline is the only discipline that works and
is achieved on each child’s own timetable, on their own terms.
Recognize how important role-modeling is:
what your child sees you do every day,
what he hears you say about yourself and
others, how you treat yourself and others,
are the most important things your child will
pay attention to, learn from, and pattern.
There are no short-cuts or tricks here. You must learn to be a true
model of your ideal. Once you have achieved a good measure of living
up to your own expectations, don’t expect your child to follow suit.
For example, if he sees you working hard every day doing the things
you love to do, he very well may have no interest in the same things
you do, but rather will learn that he wants to spend his time doing
the things he loves to do.
When tempted to share with your child how fearful you are that they
will not learn all that you believe they should learn, write it down
instead. Keep notes on your feelings, observations, ideas and
compare them from time to time. Find others to talk to about your fears.
Unschool support groups are great resources, as are books, magazines,
email lists, websites, etc. With your child, focus instead on what
they ARE interested in. When your unschooled child spends all his
time in a math book, don’t talk to him about how he should be reading
instead. If he wants to play video games all day, get him more video
games.
When the interest is fostered unconditionally,
any contrary or rebellious motive for
behavior will fall to the wayside and allow
true interests and skills to develop.
Unschooling results in rich, creative and powerful lives on each
person’s terms. Living in community, whether it’s with a family, an
extended family, a town or the big world, with respect for each
person’s need to understand themselves and be true to their unique
and ever-changing desires allows each person to honor those values in
each other.
Unschooling does not result in out-of-control chaos: it results in
communities of people who listen to each other, respect each other’s
wishes and desires, supporting the community’s commonly agreed upon
goals.
How will your unschooling community evolve?
I love this review from a first-time 2009 attendee:
“We had a wonderful time! From the thought provoking lessons and
conversations to the constant enjoyment displayed on each child’s face.
My little rocker was heartbroken when we had to go home.
He did not want to leave behind all of his friends, fun,
and positive/loving energy and environment.
I learned a lot more about myself than I thought I would
and saw so much posibility and growth in myself and my family.”
A Journey of Free
A couple things I have written over time about living free:
Date unknown, but probably early 2010
I thought it would be interesting to share our ideas of what being free means to us. For me it really means not arbitrarily limiting myself (like doing or not doing something because of someone else). It is about choices, however, I am not as gung-ho as I once was about valuing “informed” choices over “uninformed” ones, because I don’t value “expert” opinions like I once did. I value personal internally-trustful decisions more at this place in my journey. Some choices I make feel better if they are informed, like what tv to purchase – I find I am happier longer with my decision if I shopped around first and got the most for my money… Any purchases I guess. But when it comes to parenting and lifestyle choices, I really value following ones heart even if they can’t find an “expert” to back them up.
I think being free is in our mind, which is where I think our reality also resides. And being and living free is a progress, a journey toward a destination that we may never truly meet, but we can get closer and closer to it. I also think it isn’t the same for everyone – it is shaped by our own values and interests and life goals. So, for example, financially free could mean never going into debt or it could mean running up bills all over town with no intention of ever paying them, it could mean landing a very well-paying job or giving up all of your financial responsibilities and living on the street, or it could mean buying a house for security or living in an rv and travelling as far as your wheels can take you. I think the key is choices that suit you. And I am constantly unpacking my life and finding more ways to be free.
I also want to clarify that I am tailoring my life to me through my choices, and so checking my own limits as well. I meant very specifically “arbitrary” because I am not saying that I am going to do anything and everything, but that I am going to chose, and those choices unfold as I deeper understand my freedom and MY preferences.
Just wanted to share that I am enjoying another layer to being free, and that is having lots of different perspectives available to me without judgment. I see differences as contrast (many of which I enjoy differently at different times in different contexts), checking in to let go of judgment about them. I don’t see any of them as better, maybe more useful for different situations and for different results. But none of them more valid or truthful, objectively. The meaning lies is each of us :)
So, when we all share our truths, we are providing soooooo many opportunities. Opportunities to build with others on similar interests, opportunities to reflect on our disagreements with something, opportunities for expansion of opinions and understandings. It seems to me that we each have stories about different things, and the more stories there are, the richer our life. Everything has it’s benefits, and I love being able to see beyond myself :)
Can’t remember if I said this already, but I wanted to share something that has been salient for me recently: free is so relative :)). I just love that fact. It’s not static and unchanging, it constantly changes with me and I can dance with it and explore it in it many layers and meanings. What made me think of it was realizing that sometimes not washing the dishes is freeing and sometimes washing them is :))
May 16, 2010
Currently, being “free”, to me, means being available to make choices. Being available is kind of the key for me here — I want to let go of the barriers that prevent me from making choices that truly work for me. if I am feeling like I “have to” do something, or if I am tangled up in complexities about it, then it does not feel free to me, doesn’t feel like choice-making to me. So, being emotionally available to follow what feels right to ME is a huge factor. There are also other kinds of available, like being financially available to make choices for one’s life, and being physically able to make choices for one’s life, etc. The big part is making choices. When we make choices for our life, we take the reigns to tailor our life to us. It amazes me just how much we really can tailor to our wants and needs…
Conflict Resolution aka Community/Communication Tips
These are some ideas I have had about constructive interactions (modified from being Internet-oriented, and trying to apply to all of life)…
Be aware of how what you are saying could be interpreted by people, especially ones with a differing opinion. Be aware that you are presenting opinions based on your life experience, your truth, not THE truth.
What you may be taking issue with “from someone else” may be a reflection of something inside you that you may want to explore; if you are at peace with yourself, it is difficult to find conflict with others; and you are only responsible for yourself.
Debates and disagreements happen, and I think a LOT of growth can come from that. I don’t feel an authority of some type needs to step in, but maybe more voices/perspectives might help find peace and clarity?
I understand creating a safe space, and there are reasonable extents to do this without impeding upon the natural order of things. I am not aiming to encourage debates or conflict, but to understand that they do happen and that I trust we can navigate and negotiate them.
Climbing the emotional ladder
This is an example of how to do this concerning food. It was shared (years ago) on a list that I am on. Because it isn’t about anyone in specific, I think it is safe to share, but if the original author (who I don’t remember who it is) objects, please let me know…
“I am disappointed that I couldn’t prevent this”
“It feels so overwhelming when I think of all the factors involved”
“It is so frustrating to watch him continue to gain weight”
“I am skeptical that he will want to do anything different”
“BlahBlahBlah…I am so bored of this and want to be more inspired”
“I am liking that my son eats fruit and it feels good to provide him with more options that feel healthy to me. I am also liking how it feels when I am not worrying about his weight and we are just enjoying our time together. I also love it when we go to a park or play a game outside and exercise together just because it is fun and not because he NEEDS to (in an attempt to lose weight.”
“I feel hopeful that as my son feels my love and acceptance, he will feel more fulfilled and not need food to do this for him.”
“I am eager to find creative ways to support our whole family in being the healthiest and happiest beings we can be.”
“I am excited to let go of trying to change my son and instead just enjoy being with him and finding ways we can exercise and eat healthy things together that feel fun and joyous.”
“I know that all is well. I trust that all is unfolding perfectly in my family life. I am grateful for the rockets of desire for family health and physical fitness that I am now allowing myself to receive. I can feel the expansion and it feels delicious! I am celebrating how good it feels to see my son through the eyes of my Inner Being/Source! He is a beautiful being and I am so glad he is in my life!”
Food Choices
I think I get it now. I grew up being limited on foods (CERTAIN foods), and I ended up over-indulging in things to extremes in my adult years (where no one could tell me how much or what to have). When I made the switch to a radical unschooling lifestyle, I decided to embrace food choice — I could eat anything I wanted without guilt. Wow.
At first, I found myself eating cookies and ice-cream like it was going to disappear off the shelf! Well, for the first week… I kinda felt like crap when I ate like that. Today, about 1 and 1/2 years after making the decision to have true food choices, I find myself getting my fill much much sooner. A box of cookies that may not have made it through the night have sat on the shelf for a week, and not because I forgot, but because I only needed maybe 1 or 2 a day to get my fill.
Even the kids will drop a piece of candy for some grapes (Najaia on Valentine’s Day), have been known to bypass popsicles they know are in the freezer and know they can have to ask for an orange (Noble about a year ago), and scream with excitement that I bought broccoli (Kass practically everytime we go shopping). Cookies last a week on the shelf. Ice-cream sits in the freezer. A chocolate bar is forgotten about on a counter. My son wants avocado sushi. My baby wants sandwich meat and cheese rolled up together. My oldest wants cooked spinach with olive oil and lemon pepper :))
Today, not only does some stuff stay on the shelf longer, but I feel less inclined to even eat it (or buy it). Food choices don’t REALLY mean I can eat a box of cookies in one sitting and feel as good as if I’d picked a fruit salad (well, some days that’s not entirely true, actually — some days a HUGE bowl of ice-cream is way more nourishing than a fruit and yogurt smoothie). Food choice mean I can listen to my body, not get tangled up in the emotional knots concerning food.
I just feel better when I eat certain things. And now that I don’t have the voices of my well-intentioned parents or some general “expert” speaking so loudly in my head about what I “need” to eat or what I “should” or “SHOULDN’T” eat, I can hear the soft still voice inside me that speaks to me about what I REALLY want, and I can feel my body’s reaction to foods. And when I reach my hand into the fridge, I usually opt for things like organic yogurt and granola for breakfast instead of a big bowl of ice-cream or cookies, just because of how my body will feel after I am done. The kind of fuel I fill my body with impacts the performance I get out of it. I can finally feel it.
THAT is my barometer now, not an “expert” voice telling me what to do. I have a voice. And now I can hear it. And, btw, that voice is good for other things in life, too.
p.s. – if you want to read more about my food journey, please feel free to read this and this :) They have the same simple title, but are different posts :)
Be safe, respectful, and sincere
Firstly, there is a difference between principles and rules. I have found rules to be hardfast, quick-fix shortcuts, rigid, limiting, impeding upon natural learning, creating rebelliousness and other complexes, usually stem from my own discomforts, and sometimes the only way I can retain sanity in a moment of feeling overwhelmed (so I understand why some parents use them <3).
Principles are meant to be general pointers in a direction toward a common goal. Our goals and means strive to be something that looks like our version of “be safe, respectful, and sincere.” I substituted “sincere” for the “kind” I’ve always seen — I didn’t want “kind” to get confused with “nice” (which I’m still situating, but am basically uncomfortable with right now), and the kindness I know of kinda goes along with “respectful”.
Let me also say that these are just training wheels, to help our family live more harmoniously (as per my New Years resolution), after some serious chaos and upheaval for the past couple years. These training wheels are not held over people’s heads and thrust at them in challenging moments. We talk about them at our monthly pow wow meetings and explore them a bit in our daily lives through observing experiences and discussing them. They are still new for us as principles, so this post will be simple and raw and more about intention than details. These will look mostly like me implementing them into my interactions, since the kid’s pick up my vibes and styles without me forcing (and they pick up the force when I try to force anything). I can already see these being tweaked a bit, but for today, lemme explain what we have come up with so far :))
Some details of “safe”. Lemme share with some examples. Safe, to me, does not mean “don’t climb up onto the table because you could fall and get hurt” — our style of “safe” is helping the baby to challenge herself and explore her environment in a way that is safe, so maybe standing there and “spotting” her, showing her how to get down safely, padding the ground around her with pillows, or something of the like. “Safe” does not mean “hold my hand in the parking lot” — our style of safe means watching for cars and standing between my son and them, or waiting for a closet parking spot… Although, usually, we like to hold hands together :)) “Safe” doesn’t mean they can’t climb all over the jungle gym at their comfort level, or go barefoot in the rain, or play swords with sticks, or climb trees hiiiiiiiigh, or jump from rock to rock or whatever. We just follow our personal comfort levels, and I’m pretty relaxed — although, I’ve been known to have a good cry over some scares (hiding kids in a department store, a near miss of a car, a pretty bad injury). For me, pains and hurts and injuries are a part of life and one for each of us to decide for ourselves how we feel about them (including my children, who can decide for themselves).
“Respectful” does not look like me reminding my child to “use their manners” or apologize, when they aren’t. That doesn’t feel respectful to them, no matter how “nice” I am about it. Again, “respectful” starts with me. I strive to be respectful toward my children and myself and the people I encounter. It can look like me giving someone the benefit of the doubt or assuming positive intent. It is usually me being understanding and listening. It is related to how I care for our belongings and for this earth. It involves how I conduct myself with integrity with strangers and loved ones. It involves me doing the things that feel right and good from me and understanding that everyone has their own way — they don’t have to have my style ;)) It includes the reasons why I help my children to explore what feels right to them.
Being “sincere” is grounded in connection, presence, and authenticity. When I handle something out-of-alignment from how I want to, I can sincerely approach my child and connect with them and heal the gap. When something is bothering me, I can be present with my loved one or myself and speak truths from a place of authenticity, love, and a quest for reconciliation of some sort. I am learning to be sincere with myself about my vulnerabilities and what-can-feel-like-unworthiness, and am finally doing some real healing. Sincerity doesn’t always look like “being nice” for us — sometimes, somethings are raw when they are being sorted out, but kindness is obviously the bigger picture (even if it is being kind enough to be honest). Honesty without connection can be just mean. Sometimes, that happens here, but that’s not sincerity.
When I first started exploring and experimenting with unschooling in our lives, I knew I wanted my kids to be authentic and real and honest, and not compliant or “well behaved”. I wanted to give up control (and I dived in and gave it up fast!), and what I got was an out-of-control pre-preteen and a chaotic home. I thought the opposite of “compliant” was her doing whatever would feel right to her and because I believed all the goodness in her would come out, we would be good. I am grateful we did it the way we did, because I held fast the whole time (well, 90% of it!), and we learned “our way”, but I know that way wouldn’t work for others. I knew that the pendulum would, was, and needed to swing the other way. I knew the “control” needed to be “out of control” before it could find balance and be truly wild :)) Now that we have gotten so much controllingness and reaction-to-no-control out of our system, we can be truly natural learners. I learned what the loving balance between “compliant” and “noncompliant” is: cooperative. And now we are living it :))) I don’t know where exactly the shift came from (a few possibilities), but we’ve been living it for a couple weeks now, and our life feels like a very different story than one I may have told a couple months ago. We are still working out the kinks, and these “safe, respectful, sincere” training wheels are just the next tools we can use on this journey :)) I’m careful to encourage these together, learning side-by-side, rather than any repression going on (has happened in our past: stuffing things to “be nice”). It’s delicious, one bite at a time :)))))
I hope that explains a bit of what we have been thinking about around here recently :)
Our Roles
During our organizing of our family, we came across a place where we were reflecting on each of our roles in our family, as individuals and as a whole family.
Being the mother, mine was chocked full of responsibilities, and being a mama, it was full of substance and intrinsically-motivated endeavors :))
Noble and Najaia, being small children, focused more on living and learning than on responsibility and went something to the tune of, “Noble’s role in this family is to play and actively learn about himself, his family, his friends, his community, and the world at large, as well as how to function with them in a way that honors his self.” Then I divided his “duties” into some categories, like play, actively learn, self, family, friends, community, and world. For “play”, his duties are to reenact, explore, experiment, and enjoy. And my role in supporting him in this is to provide stuff to use, space to do it, time to do it to, and experiences to draw from, and also to observe, ask him questions to engage in discussions about his interests, and enjoy with him. For “actively learn”, I put observing, asking questions, practicing, inputting information (which could be reading, movie-watching, etc.), and requesting experiences. And my role is to provide a variety of experiences in the depth and breadth that he is comfortable with, answer questions/help find answers, keep his questioning intact, keep his passion for learning intact, honing the tools to answer questions for his future, and ask him questions. It is important to me to point out that play is a form of active learning, and active learning happens during play. These things could have been one category. The other categories I made focused mostly on functioning within a family and with friends and revolve around ways of communicating and dealing with conflict, and our newly acquired interaction principles “be safe, respectful, and sincere” (more details on this in another post). Najaia’s role is the basically the same as Noble’s.
Kassidy’s role is a middle ground between me and Noble/Najaia, embracing bits of both in the delicate dance of a preteen. Her description goes something to the tune of, “Kassidy’s role in the family is helping care for children, home, and animals. Her role is to play and actively learn about herself, her family, her friends, her community, and the world at large.” As far as “responsibility”, it is just to help (details focus on what “on her own” and “when asked” entail). Play looks different today than it did 5 years ago, or even 5 months ago (it’s not “playing”, it’s “hanging out”), but play definitely happens, even if I don’t tell her that I would categorize some of her experiences as “play” :)) Again, “play” and “actively learning” are even more closely related, as all of her endeavors (creative or otherwise) revolve around a desire to actively learn in life. She is learning about self through her interests, time spent with loved ones, time spent alone. She is learning about family through our interactions and discussions, our pow wows, our fun, our creative ways of being responsible. She is learning about friend’s through interactions with them and discussions about things like communication, conflict, and interaction styles and strategies. She is learning about community as she sees me building our Tribe piece by piece, as she lives IN our town and sees people’s functions and interactions. And she learns about the world through experimentation, reading, observing, and having conversations with me about things :))
So, I hope this clarifies what some roles in a whole-life unschooling family look like :) My next post will be about “be safe, respectful, and sincere”.
Age (draft from June 16, 2010)
Posted this in March 2010:
I was reading something Dayna Martin posted to her group, and I thought it was so profound, and I wanted to share it here and hopefully get some feedback from you all on it :)
“Training a child to be an adult is like someone from a retirement home coming over and punishing us because we aren’t yet living as though we are senior citizens. Can you imagine being put in a time-out because we are living our present age and not seventy-five? This absurdity is what children in our culture live every single day, when parents get mad at them for acting like children.”
I think, too often, we expect kids to act like adults. I think this society values things that are not characteristic of being a child and devalues things like playfulness and joyful abandon and naïveté and innocence and… and… and. Kids are not mini adults, and how they learn and live requires an understanding and an acceptance of their speed of learning something and their prioreties. We live in a society that makes children act like adults and then frowns upon adults with child-like qualities. When are we supposed to embrace that youth??
I have been very hard on myself for being “young”, and I am beginning to understand why, and I am overjoyed that I have realized this, so I can embrace my oldest being “young” (well, all my kids, but she is at the age where I feel pressure for her to start “acting more apprpriate” and such).
April 2010:
I read a blog (“I Am Unschooled. Yes, I Can Write”) by an unschooler, named Idzie (link in the Unschoolers Blog sidebar), that got me to thinking. I will post the blog and use the reply area to share my thinking since :)
Something I have heard oh so many times is that, because as teenagers and young adults our brains are not “fully developed”, we are “bad” decision makers, and not to be trusted. It’s a very frustrating attitude, that really seems to twist scientific data to suite anti-teen feelings in our culture. What constitutes “bad decision making”, anyway? That’s a very subjective opinion.
When I found this post a while back, I simply loved it. It deals with just that subject, and does so in such a wonderfully positive, pro-people way. It reads in part:
“Though Teen brains may indeed not possess myelin sheaths that adults brains have, that doesn’t make them ‘unfinished’, in the sense that the article portrays: foolish, flawed, poor decision makers.
Without Teen’s ‘unfinished’ brains 99% of the risk taking done in the name of love, art, idealism, adventure, protecting family, would disappear.
Teens excel at taking risks because they have perfectly developed brains for doing so.
Saying they have unfinished brains compares to saying a new moon hasn’t ‘finished’ until it swells to a full moon. The Teen brain marks one moment in the cycle of the brains life where it has enormous potential for one kind of behavior – risk taking, adventure, romantic expression.”
I urge you to read the whole post. It’s not very long. Personally, I just loved it, and will send it straight to the next person who seeks to silence and dis-empower a teen by telling them of their faulty brains!
Peace,
Idzie
So, this got me thinking about the “ideal” being adultish (we even have the phrase “prime”, as I was about to use it!), and anything before it is just about it leading up to being an adult, and anything after one’s “prime” is about being “over the hill”. It just has me thinking about what we value and how we compare.
What if there is no such thing as an expert (or that we put too much value on it), because every stage leading up to it is perfectly perfect for its own reasons and purposes? What if it isn’t a race to the finish line? What if the goal isn’t even TO finish, but to live the now to its fullest and see where you end up? What if the path isn’t linear? What if it can be but it doesn’t have to be?
What if a child or a teen is not an incomplete adult? What amazing implications that holds!!! To honor them in their perfectness instead of trying to *teach them differently or *wait for more/different. What if their “lack” in one area is not a hole waiting for completeness but filled by something just as amazing and awesome?
What if the “goal” or destination is not to be an adult, but to make the most of everything before, during, and after it?
Hmmmm….. Yummy.
(Continueing — I got sidetracked from my thought but just saw another step)
“What if their “lack” in one area is not a hole waiting for completeness but filled by something just as amazing and awesome?” What if as we become more [insert trait], we let go of an amazing awesome less-valued-by-others trait? If we do it for others, it is something sad and to be mourned, but if we do it for ourselves it is empowering? What if that is my story, my truth, but not The Truth? What if there is no “The Truth”? What if I am influencing my kids’ stories by living mine?
This is kindmof the root of unschooling to me — allowing my children to move at their pace and self design, because I feel sad about someone dictating this for them. I think it is so important, that I want them to be in charge. And I trust them that they have what they need to do it, and that they can do it. And my job is to honor and listen to and support and nourish their process and to be present for them and for it. We are social creatures by nature, and I think the best role I can perform is to be there, to be witness, to listen, to watch, to take care of my self, to possibly provide some ideas of how to do or handle things just by being a model, but to not be too attached to that role, to just hold it loosely and let it be what it is going to be.
Wow, this has turned out to be quite a thread!! :). Most of my “thinking” has been a current train of thought. For the last few days, I was only thinking up to part of the last response.
Wow, good stuff………..
The Myth of the Permissive Parent
What is a permissive parent? Someone who handles something with less involvement than we would? Someone who allows and allows? “Permissive” is so relative (based on individual measures of “shoulds”), and it is a completely subjective observation from the outside (none of us have walked a step in that parents’ shoes).
I am often seen as a permissive parent, because I don’t “do anything” about my 3-yr-old son hitting me when he is upset. I can only imagine what people expect me to do, but since I don’t do that, I’m seen as allowing and permitting. Because my level of involvement doesn’t meet their expectations of “what a good parent does”, they miss what I do do. I love my son and trust that his outlet of frustration has a purpose, and I empathize with his frustration, and I tell him that hurts and that I don’t want to be hurt, and I offer alternatives (like hitting a pillow or sword-fighting with foam swords we make), and I try to help him think of things that might remedy what he is frustrated about. It’s very intentional and comes from a LOT of reflection and experimentation and research, but to the average bystander it looks like I’m being permissive.
I have so much trust and respect for my oldest’s autonomy and sense of adventure that when she checks with me to see if she can go do something, I can’t really think of a reason to say no, even if I’m not completely comfortable with it at times. All she wants is my blessing, she knows she has my permission (unless we plan to go somewhere or something, which is usually why be checks in, and so I know where she’s at — btw, she learned to do this on her own; I think I mentioned it once briefly a few years ago, but it’s something she grew on her own). To an outsider, it may look permissive, but it’s oh-so intentional.
If my kids are arguing, I let them sort it out and am usually pleasantly surprised with the results. An outsider might think I’m being permissive by not stepping in and sorting it out, but it is very intentional that I let my children have authentic relationships and problem solve and experience the lessons from the choices they make. One example, if my oldest does something that hurts my youngest, when I step in and do anything, she becomes defensive and it messes up the empathy she naturally feels for what she has said or done. When I step back and let them feel things through, oh, the learning that happens! From the outside, it may look permissive.
Currently, I found out I am having a problem with high blood pressure, and I’ve known that I have been over-stressing, being a single mama to 3 (and some so little) and feeling like I’m trying to live up to expectations that were not born from me, inspired or trust-based. So, I have decided that I need to take care of me and my health, and that is going to look a lot like me diverting my attention from things that create stress in me. From the outside, this may look permissive. It’s very intentional.
So, my list could go on forever, being a radical unschooling mama :)) I think my point is made :) I don’t believe there is such thing as a permissive parent, because none of us know what is going on inside that parent we may think is being permissive, and what constitutes permissiveness is most likely an intentional decision made for someone’s well-being, even if it is just the trying-to-be relaxed mama.
Kids are Amazing
Some quotes that really inspired me:
“Children coming forth today have a greater capacity to deal with the greater variety of information that is coming forward than you did. They deliberately are coming forth into this environment where there is more to contemplate. This generation gap that you are talking about, it has ever been thus. Each new generation, every new individual, that comes forth, is coming with you having prepared a different platform for them to proceed from. There is this thing that gets in the way of that that says, “I’m the parent. I got here first. I know more than you do.” From the children’s perspective, and from the purity of their Nonphysical Perspective, what they are saying is, “You’re the parent. You got here first. You prepared a platform that I am leaping off from — and my leap will be beyond anything that you have ever known.” ” — Abraham Hicks
“Children, as persons, are entitled to the greatest respect. Children are given to us as free flying souls, after which we clip their wings in the same way we domesticate the wild mallard. Children should become our role models for they are coated with the spirit from which they came – out of the ether, clean, innocent, brimming with the delight of life, aware of the beauty of the simplest thing – a snail, a bud, a shadow in the garden. Children are closest to the angels.” — Gerry Spence
Fish
Einstein has a quote that goes somethig like “If you judge a fish by
how well he can climb a wall, he’s gonna spend his whole life thinking
there is somethig wrong with him”. Well, I’ve sooooo been there. Done
tryin to scale walls — I love swimming, and if my kids love swimming,
too, then we are gonna swim. And if they decide at some point they
want to try scaling walls, they can try that, too. Or maybe they are
meant for running marathons. Or flying. Who knows. Like I said, if I
like swimming and they like swimming, then we swim. And we are
swimming, and we are finding other fish and feeling really good about
it. But there is this other fish who is trying so hard to scale walls
and seems to be judging us harshly for loving swimming and not
continuing to try scaling walls when it will never work for us. We are
fish.
Benefits of TV
I read this article on Dayna Martin’s site unschoolingamerica.com
Why Unschoolers Rise Above Anti-TV Elitism
By, Dayna Martin
We presently live in a “book worshipping” culture. Television is definitely something that is looked down upon as a lower-form of learning and entertainment by many. TV is still so new historically. Before TV, for example, comic books and some radio shows were also thought to be destructive and evil. I know in time attitudes about TV will change. People will learn to value it for the amazing learning tool it is and not be afraid of it.
In our lives, TV is one of many options my children have to learn from and enjoy. I do not value books over TV for my children’s learning. I trust them and value all of their choices and support their interests. I can’t imagine how small our world would be without TV! As an Unschooling Mom, I want to give my children as BIG a world as possible! TV introduces us to so many topics and interests that we may not have learned about otherwise. We have a joyful relationship with TV!
The topics of interest that have been introduced to us through TV have been incredible! It is a window to our world! Being Homeschoolers, I love the fact that my kids know all about modern pop culture. They are able to have conversations with anyone, including kids in school about things current and popular in our world. They aren’t the “weird, sheltered homeschoolers” who have no idea what Sponge bob is (for example) making them all the more different from kids their age. They feel totally “normal” around anyone because they know so much about what others are discussing in social situations.
Also, through TV, our family has witnessed True Human Potential! From skydiving, to contortionists, to people saving endangered species, to learning to cook Italian, to building a Chopper, to ‘Dirty Jobs’, to birth and death and love…..TV is not all doom and gloom like I was led to believe from some in the naturally minded community after I had my first son. It is not something we fear! It is something we value greatly.
There are so many awesome, interesting, enriching things on TV! Just like books, there are some good and some bad. I do not choose to never read again, just because there are books out there with something I wouldn’t approve of! TV is no different. No one forces us to watch the news or things we personally don’t value. Some days we watch no TV and some rainy days hours. It depends on the day. Just like reading, some days we read 10 books, some days none.
I honestly believe that my children have such an incredibly broad knowledge base, and TV has contributed to that as much as books, and every other resource we have in our lives. As Unschoolers, we use TV like a rich buffet before us. We joyfully take what we want and leave the rest!
Win-Win
Thanks, Scott Noelle, for this easy explination of basically what we refer to as “win-win”.
:: Generalizing Desires ::
Suppose your child wants to bounce on your friend’s
antique sofa, but you want to respect your friend’s
property. The conventional response is to say NO and
block the child’s behavior, using force if necessary.
Being unconventional, you ask yourself instead, “How
can we both have what we want?” But these *specific*
desires are incompatible. So you *generalize* one or
both of them by looking for the underlying desires.
For example, your child wants to jump on the sofa
because it feels good to defy gravity. You want to
respect your friend’s property because you want to be
a good friend.
Now you can put these more general desires together
and begin to see ways they could fit. Perhaps you
could be a good friend to your child by helping him or
her find another way to defy gravity.
Keep looking deeper and you’ll find many, more general
desires that will lead you to an abundant supply of
mutually satisfying choices.
http://dailygroove.net/generalizing
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2010 by Scott Noelle
Buncha Stuff
There has been lots of dialogue on the RU with LoA list, and I just decided I wanted to share my responses here, because there was so much good stuff in there. This was all written in the last couple days. I understand that it isn’t going to make complete sense in some areas, because it is kind of in response to stuff someone was asking about, AND I think it will be okay, too :). The rest is my responses:
My son is new-3, and we have dealt with a lot of hitting. I am realizing, as I type this, that there are various kinds of hitting we have encountered. Some was because my son didn’t have words and he was mad but not trying to intentionally hurt someone, in which case I tried lots of stuff waiting for him to get to a place where he could use his words instead. We tried helping him find and use some simple words, like “no” or “stop” or “mine” and then responding quickly and helpfully when he used them to show him they worked for meeting his needs. We also tried yelling “I’m mad!”. And we tried hitting or biting a pillow or me palms. When he got older and was used to play fighting, if he got angry and hit I would say, “hey, I’m not ready to fight — get me a sword first.”. I always addresses the need underlying the action and eventually he got old enough to be comfortable using words instead of hitting — I feel it really was maturity thing not something I had to teach him. We just used lots of different tools (words to empower, games to make it fun, etc.) to help give him options for expression and also to help him develop the maturity to understand hitting. Some ways we practiced these tools was through role-play, having his toys act these things out, telling stories about haracters who did these things, whatever way was fun for both of us :)
More recently, his baby sister (7 months old) has started to take his toys to play with them, or she will pull on him trying to stand or something. Sometimes this kind of thing makes him mad and he may hut or push her. I have found that often he is as upset as she is by this. He will curl into a ball and be sad. I comfort them both and might say to him, “You are sad that she is hurt, hah? She was taking your toy, wasn’t she? What if we found some toys for her to play with so she won’t want yours?” Or I will ask him what he thinks might help her not want his toys or whatever. He often has great suggestions. He may hit again, but I trust that he is building in his learning and feel he is so blessed to have someone keep his sense of feeling bad intact — too often parents will berate a child or tell them they are wrong. My son knows what he did hurt and already feels bad about it — I definately don’t need to do that.
I feel like I was so in your place when I started researching unschooling, especially whole-life unschooling. I wanted to say that maybe Naomi isn’t right for you at this time? Maybe something else would work better? Read Naomi when you get it and it makes you feel good, you know? Listen to your journey — there is no path ahead of you to follow; you are making your own. (Hey, I like that!) What I’m trying to say is there is no prescribed reading list, no “other person’s way” that will work for you (although bits and pieces from various people will feel so right!!). Do what feels right to you. For me, that meant rushing into this life, even though I kept hearing to take it slow. It felt so right to me, how could I do any different knowing it didn’t feel right anymore? I wanted to be a certain distance in, and so I sprinted, and so it was right for me :). Once I consumed as much as I could at that pace, I started to slow down and have been chugging along ever since :). For me, radical unschooling wasn’t a question of if it was right for us, but how do I let go of so much crap I was holding on to and do this? And then I learned the importance of funding my way. Unschooling is like every umbrella term: there are a lot of differences and you find which one works for you. The best thing about radical unschoolers is that usually they are so much more understanding and accepting of people’s paths and differences (I mean, it’s kind of the point of unschooling :).
I can soooooooooo understand how being a parent to your daughter is so different. I have worked with people with developmental disabilities for over 7 years (until my son was born and I have been a stay-at-home mama –yay!), and I have worked with families and group homes and classrooms, and I can so relate to the amazing and exciting contrast in what your parenting has been to what it is and can be now — wow, your description was so easy for me to feel! The most important suggestion I can give is just make sure she knows how much you love her, because she will be better for it regardless of the details that may come, and because it will help you to make whatever choices you find to be best in each moment :). My mom did not parent me the way I find so important to do with my kids, but I knew she loved me and I could forgive and understand a lot <3
One of the beauties and the challenges of unschooling is that there is no manual to how to do it. Listen to yourself and keep looking for explanations that sound and feel right to you :)
Lots of love on your adventure,
Before I keep reading, I wanted to share something I have learned about interpretting tone via internet and also about reading suggestions.
First of all, when someone tells me about an incident, I draw from experience which may be very different than the typer’s experience. Too often I have misjudged a situation because of my own ears and background, even when I KNOW the person is such a consciencious (sp?) parent.
The other thing I wanted to share is that I have always been a more-than-mainstream repsectful and creative solutions parent, and so when I read unschooling stuff about thus huge difference I needed to make, I was striving for something soooooooo big and not trusting where I had come from. Then I hit a place where I remembered and realized that my previous parenting wasn’t THAT different and so striving for a HUGE change wasn’t “needed” to attain respectful parenting and such. The funny thing is that I would get so stressed out trying to be the most respectful and feeling bad about myself, that I would get grouchy and ended up being more controlling and mean at times! So, once I understood that, really, I had already been on this path for a long time, that this was just a new chapter not a new book entirely, it was easier for me to see where my previous way and “current” way fit into all of this. I am sharing all of this because it sounds like you come from a very respectful and loving place already — you sound like a wonderful mama!!!!!!! Did you hear that? Did you feel it? I hope so, because someone told me this and it made a difference: you obviously love your children, and you are here, aren’t you (as in still moving toward trying to do even more)? Make sure and give yourself credit for all of the ways you are alread living the way you want to — you can accept now and still change, too :). For me, being kind to myself made it much easier for me to be kind to my kids — when I stopped trying to be perfect and allowed myself to be human, I was (well, am definately still working on this one lol) able to extend this to my children, too.
Some amazing sites I read were sandradodd.com and joyfullyrejoycing.com. I loved the movie Yes Man in understanding the power of saying yes :). I loved the concept of asking myself “why not?” for every request my daughter had or everything my son wanted to do (much younger so less words). I loved rethinking “should”s and “have to”s, to really understand why and who they were really all about (and remembering that each of them could probably be unpacked deeper and deeper and might mean something else later down the road). The Continuum Concept (and discussions I had with friends on it) helped me to really truly trust my kids’ natural journeys and not want to push or accelorate (sp?) their learning.
In fact, I found myself questioning my preconceived notions about calming a child down, as I have been reading this chain of emails. Could trying to calm a child after an upset always be best for them? Why do we have such judgment of the feeling of anger and of letting out our upsets? Just like needing a good cry when I want one, maybe I need a good outburst when I need one? Maybe trying to channel it into something “acceptable” isn’t the way to always go? Maybe it just needs to be released? Maybe stuffing it isn’t beneficial for long-term understanding of feelings and expressing them? I dunno. Still new for me, so I have to work out the kinks, but figured I’d toss it out there anyway. I guess I trust that if my kid gets angry about something and wants to have a tantrum about it, maybe I can trust their own path and their life-learning and that they may need it in some way if it is what comes natural to them, rather than trying to show them a more “acceptable” way of handling themself or rushing feelings back to a place of comfort. Like I said, I dunno.
Another thing I did was an exercise I did for life and then extended it to this situation as it came up: I was viewing the world through the lens of love, seeing every interaction as an act of some kind of love — love for self, love for a possession, love for silence, love for fun, whatever. Hmmmm, interesting to revisit that — gonna play with it even more :). That helped, though, in being able to understand and accept my child’s behavior that was one usually viewed negatively. Also, I will share again, that I recently heard a perspective that I really loved about anger having a root of fear — fear of not being heard, of not having a need met, of being hurt, etc. When I can find the need being expressed and meet it, it often disipates the anger. I have found that applying this understanding to my kids’ arguments helps me to understand how best to help them feel better and prevents future explosions since their needs are being met or they know I will help them make sure they will be (not as a way of avoiding or ignoring anger or things that cause anger, but there just not being any in areas there may have been).
I am really enjoying all this dialogue and opportunities to share and reflect and listen :)
I wanted to toss some more thoughts into the mix. I was thinking about what you were saying about how you feel A*** has shifted back to her usual self, and I was reading all this stuff about being polite/using manners. Wow, good stuff, as I, too, have been socially trained to the umpth degree and am trying to do differently with my kids. I think this is a great and useful discussion — however, it seems to me that maybe what started it was something different than An*** using manners or not.
This is what I am thinking — what if the “rudeness” A*** was displaying was a sign that there was some stuff going on inside of her, and your shift that has maybe brought you to be more connected with her shifted her insides to feel better? Can’t remember the author, but on a website someone said something to the effect of how connected you are to your kids correlates positively to how cooperative they are — note, cooperative is different from obediant, it is more of a happy partnership than just “doing what I’m told to do”.
In the past, when my daughter was going through some stuff in life, it was so clearly displayed through her mood and actions. She was a conductor of her environment, and once I realized this, I could pinpoint the thing in her life, adjust it, and see the immediate change in her. In more mainstream families, the focus is on making the child stuff their output and it seems to make the conduit get clogged and results in kids who can be perfectly well-mannered but hurt and angry inside and usually not knowing how to fix it or even that something is really wrong. These are the kids that do _________ and people say they never saw it coming, etc. Anyway, with some kids, like mine, I haven’t made my daughter stuff her feelings and behaviors, so she is reaaaaaaal :) I have always appreciated her authentic channeling and expressing of her stuff. When I have noticed she was “off”, I might say, “Kass, you seem so upset [or insert emotion: frustrated, angry, whatever — one that doesn’t hold judgment of her, though, like I wouldn’t say bossy lol], is something bothering you?” And she may or may not know what it is, but it may help her try to search inside herself, and she may pinpoint something (maybe it is something small that made her feel that way, but she may not know what the bigger thing is, so keep this in mind), and it may help her to find an outlet to bring on the tears or the rage or whatever she needs to release the stuff inside her. Sometimes, all I needed to do was shower her with love and affection and give her some time of having me all to herself (of course, often my daughter’s problem was that I was a single parent, working full-time and going to school full-time, so this was what was wrong). Anyway, there are ways to find what may be bothering her, like observing her to see what stuff is really getting her upset and then finding patterns — don’t be afraid to dig deeper than the surface to find what’s up.
I am pretty sure that you know this stuff, and I also know that sometimes it helps when someone reminds me of something I already know :)
I think the manners/politeness conversation we are having is amazingly applicable to the big picture of how to feel or not feel about kids using manners, but it seems like that wasn’t really the issue with A*** that you were really concerned about. It sounds like the bigger concern for both of you was getting back into sync with happiness together and joy and all of those delicious things that make up our relationships with our children who we adore.
Hope this helps — it seems to help me understand things more clearly :)
I am still finding the balance between valuing wanting my children to be authentic (not asking them or expecting them to use their manners) and understanding the nuances of how a happy joyful partnership may include these, too. I don’t want to be anti-manners (lol), and I don’t want to enforce them (and I know there are so many gray areas in the middle that I am learning about), so it feels like I am kinda de-schooling concerning them (like when parents new to unschooling don’t know how to interact with their kids “correctly” on topics of learning — learning to read, count, colors, etc., but it all slowly comes into focus) — that is kind of where I am at with the manners thing. Like with de-schooling, since I am de-mannering, I am not telling my kids what to do as I unpack and explore my own social conditioning on the matter, embracing the acceptance of the opposite, and enjoying the authenticity that comes from my children in the form of manners and on the topics of them :). Mostly it is my almost-11 year old who talks with me about how she feels about using them. What is so wonderful is not feeling the need to help her make decisions about it — she really can figure it out for herself!!!! It’s so cool :). Ironically, my new-3 year old’s manners almost put my social conditioning to shame, except he is really stepping into being demanding at times — which may be the stuff Dayna and A******* having been sharing about this age :). Thankfully, I am okay with it in most areas and the ones that trigger me, I know they are about me and not about him. Some things I might say are, “Wow, you really want that cup, huh?”, which kind of helps me to see his behavior for what I bigger-picture see it as, and maybe it helps him to understand how I am interpretting him, too — I am less attached to what he “learns” from it, I just trust that it isn’t hurting him but that it is helping me to help help him better so I say it :). It really grounds me in the present, in the moment, in his feelings, and less about me, because when he wants a drink, it really isn’t about me. Having said that, if I feel that he might be angry that he can’t do it himself (and that is why he is expressing himself so), I might find a way to help him to be able to do this himself — like leave a cup down at his height and show him how to use the water dispenser. I am using the water as an example, but of course thus can be applied to anything.
Alright, I think that is all I have to say in this train of thought :). Of course, when I read my own posts later, I think of more :)
Me again :). Wow, I am really loving all this dialogue :). I am learning and revisiting so much on my own journey, and I hope it is helping others also! Lol
Okay, so, I was thinking of a couple things. First of all, I used to be very hurtful and resentful of the way my mom handled some thing, because I had experienced her handlig things differently before so I felt like she was capable of handling these things better. A friend (on this list) reminded me that sometimes we have lots of things in our library, but we aren’t always capable of using some of them depending on the situation and curcumstances. It kind of goes back to trusting that our kids (and us) are always doing the best we can when and how we can. Expecting more doesn’t always have to be about disrespecting them or being mean, but sometimes it can just be more than they can handle. I think that I do this to my kids because I do it to myself because people did it to me. Regardless of what was going on inside of me and around me, I am expected to handle every single thing at my optimal, and that is just not what feels best to my ME (yes, I said my me on purpose — it felt right) at times. I have some issues with only accepting and feeling confident about the parts of me that are SO efficient, and I don’t want to feel this way about myself or my kids or pass this on to them. It sounds like this may be your story or truth, too, as you balance such a huge responsibility of caring for your adult daughters who are so vulnerable to your care and now your new daughter, and it seems like you ar very hard on yourself for areas that you may “fall short”. I can soooooooooo relate to this — in fact, I may just be seeing this because that is SO my story and my truth; it may not be your’s so much — in which case, I appologize for projecting my stuff onto you lol
The other thing I wanted to share from my experience is that I cling to the good times and want them to be permanent, but my reality has been that life and learning is more like the ocean lapping at the shore — it ebbs and flows, and I am learning to really appreciate both as contrast to each other, not good or bad, but different and both having a purpose. I can appreciate my child taking care of themselves and taking care of others (selfish or unselfish). Sometimes our kids (or us) learn one after getting their fill of the other, and sometimes they might toggle between the 2 (or more — I know it isn’t just black or white). As I am understanding this more and more as our days and life unfold, I am seeing more and learning to appreciate even the things that society may not value in my child/ren. I see it all as opportunities for them to learn — and learning doesn’t have to mean “doing everything right from day 1” or even “learning to do things right” — kids can’t help but learn, and when we broaden our understanding of how and what and why and when, we can feel more comfortable with things we were worried about, and understand and appreciate them even more :). I think it was you who mentioned child-initiated elimination communication, and it sounds like you have quite an amazing child in your midst — maybe this learning to trust her and her journey is being child-initiated, too :). Maybe, again, I am speaking to myself, because I have a 7 month old who initiated EC, too :)
Life is good stuff :)
Wild Sacred Soul 