Did I ever tell you that I had an unassisted/free birth with my baby?
Yep! Just me and my dear friend and our babies in attendance… It was possibly the most empowering experience of my life. It impacted me so deeply that I am still feeling the ripples.
Birth is HUGE to me, and I am so grateful to find my niche in the birth advocacy arena :) After the roughly 1,000 hours of researching pregnancy and birth information during my pregnancy, I had synthesized the most pertinent information and compiled it into a “summary” for friends and family interested in my choice (only to plug it into Word and find out it was a light read of 32 pages of pure words – ouch!).
I have taken a lot of that information, added my own voice, supplemented it with gobs of delicious goodies and an artful background, broken it into 4 deeply satisfying chunks, sprinkled it with even more delicious goodies, and created for you…
Powerful Birth E-course!
First session July 1st – July 28th
Registration ends July 1st
NOTE: This e-course has information for mamas interested in or planning an unassisted birth, but this e-course wass designed for any birthing woman who is interested in going inward and making intentional choices about her pregnancy and birth. And this e-course is especially designed for wild sacred women, women who already live out-of-the-box, naturally, self-sufficiently — and the women who want to!
The e-course includes:
The Wild Sacred Birth e-book (in pdf format) is a hand-meets-digital beauty masterpiece, paradigm kapow!, and soul comfort. Warning: it may make you laugh, cry, sing, do the “funky chicken”, yell “YES!” into empty rooms, and have deep loving conversations with loved ones. I just know you are going to want to read it again and again as you deeply process the layers of your journey of childbirth.
the handbook (in pdf format) is my own collection of ma multitude of our birthing sisters’ voices sharing one common message: Birth is incredible and powerful, and so are you.
the workbook (in pdf & doc formats) is like yoga for the pregnant heart – it will stretch, align, open you up, and re-energize you, through creative activity ideas and writing prompts galore.
4 hefty soul-delicious chunks of Powerful Birth e-course, dolloped heavily with love, sweetness, and bright shining light. This course is designed to run over the course of 4 weeks, but I know sometimes that deep stuff takes time to really soak in and I am an unschooler to the core, so really it can be done at a self pace. It is taught via forum (see below) and is much much more than just the e-book broken up into pieces — it is jam-packed with extra goodies, like birth sisters to share such a transformative experience with <3
1 year paid subscription to Wild Sacred Souls’ Tribe — think internet forum meets “at home” with deep loving connections between sister birth goddesses. I know how important these spaces are, espcially during huge transitions like birth. I was made to create tribes, and I can’t wait to share this one with you. It is a bloomin, thrivin, wild-woman-circlin’, supportive, love-centered, ever-evolving, co-created space to connect deeply with mamas who will inspire you, love you, spot you while you stretch and expand, and wow you with their awesome.
A fat e-binder (in pdf format), chocked full of info and natural rememdies/ideas for things specific to pregnancy, early labor, active labor, birth, and postpartum. This is a scanned version of the binder I created for my own birth – it contains things you might want to be concerned about during the different stages, complete with color coding to let you know the risk/intervention level.
A beautiful hand/digital-hybrid Soulful Pregnancy Journal <3 This is my warmbest gift of love to you: a keepsake of your pregnancy journey for your baby or babies. This is the journal I wish I had had when I was pregnant – a whole collection of the experience of pregnancy and birth. And because I really want it to be extra special to you and your child, I want to include 5 personalized pages for you. Details upon confirmation e-mail.
This e-course will inspire you to:
question what you thought you knew about pain and safety in childbirth
locate, process, and release your fears concerning pregnancy and birth
sink deeply into your inner knowing
connect deeper with other mamas, and people in general
embody a birth goddess vibe
relish your pregnancy journey
look forward to giving birth
make choices from a place of trust, rather than fear or anxiety
plan a sacred, well-prepared birth
start creating a birth legacy
become and be a self-trust master, and watch it grow into other areas of your life
possibly kiss your partner and other children more :)
So, at this point you are probably noticing I have poured my heart and soul into this course. Birthing women hold the warmest place in my heart (yes, I am the woman who stops dancing down the grocery store isle to get all teary at a big beautiful baby belly), and I want to share that deep sacred love with you at a time when I think you can’t possibly soak enough of it in <3 I truly believe (and purposely designed) this package to prepare you as whole-ly as I could imagine would be useful. I know that you probably don’t have the ability or time to do the research I did, but you deserve to know what I found, what I realized, what changed my birth legacy and, honestly-really-truly, what changed my entire life. I can’t imagine having the depth of courage and self-knowing to revolutionize and redesign my life and my relationships, without the self-trust and empowerment that I finally knew through my own powerful birth.
Are you ready to talk price?
I can’t imagine dividing this whole package into parts, so I am not going to give you a breakdown of costs. What I am going to say is, my suggested price is two hundred dollars, but I have faith that you will give what you feel in your heart is right price for you based on what you have to give. Just ask yourself, and when you feel good with a price, there is your answer. Yes, this is your first exercise in my “How to become a self-trust master AND birth goddess in one e-course” adventure :)
Okay, I must share my newest most amazing adventures!!!!!!
I finally, finally joined Leonie’s Goddess Circle! Eeep! I’m bursting with excitement and abundance!!! This was my Facebook status when I first joined:
Crying with happiness over here. Tears of sobbing joy (much to my teenager’s teasing LOL). I finally did something I have been wanting to do for 2 years, something that I know will be transformative. I finally invested in myself. And I’m not even scared!!!! I am so finally ready, and I can’t believe this is real… I joined the Goddess Circle at… [insert link to the GoddessGuidebook.com]
Joining the Goddess Circle has kinda been a dream of mine for a while, but what made me finally jump and do it was so I could become a Business Goddess :D Yep, I’m so finally ready and serious about this. Have you noticed? lol
And I have been thinking a lot and playing a lot with what the heck I really just want to do. I mean, I want to do about a-million-five-hundred-thousand (yep, I just channeled one of the kids there LOL) things for this world and all it’s living things. But what is the essence of what I want to do? Where do I want to start growing from?
Well, I think that is why I joined the business e-course LOL I have so so much in the works! And I am so excited to share this journey with youuuuuuu! <3
Love you! V, Wild, Soul, Zen, or Hey You :))
p.s. – just for the beauty and brightness of it, I wanted to share my intro to the Circle <3 :D Namaste, my fellow goddess sisters!
I literally cried when I read “Welcome to the Goddess Circle” after my payment was processed. I have been wanting to do this for years and finally just said it was time and it would work out financially.
I am positively BURSTING with joy and excitement, like a hyper puppy, to be here :)) When I calm down a bit, I am sure I will feel totally sacred zen oneness :))
A bit about me…. My mom named me Vanessa. I have gone by many names and currently resonate most with V, Wild, Soul, Zen, or Hey You :))
Me and my kids live in an RV. We had plans to travel the US but found that, although we were fine racing out of our house, we weren’t ready to leave our dearest friends and comfort zone. So, we live with panormaic views and lots of company in San Diego County :))
What fills my life is the joy of my children. We haven’t always lived this way, but we are pretty comfortably grounded in and grateful for our self-designed and -directed life. A couple short-cut terms are unschooling (radical unschooling for us), whole-life/natural learning/living [–wish I had also mentioned consensual living]. Basically, I respect my children’s autonomy and personal development, and just live a joyful and fun life and trust that they are learning everything they need. Living in an RV provides simplicity and flow and movement and connection and self-sufficieny that we are thriving on right now. Some days are utter chaos (gripping the handlebars of life, yelling WHEEEEEEEE, and appologizing all over the place for wheeling over people’s toes), most are zen, all are beautiful joyful adventures. People often ask how I do it all — I don’t. I prioretize and only do what I love to do :)
I think I am the Goddess of Love. Love is truly my religion — I practice it and extend it to envelope every interaction I have in my life. I just love, and when I’m not sure, I ask myself “What would love do?” Also, I picked love, because it kinda umbrellas over the other stuff I want to be a goddess of LOL Like emotional midwifery for people who want to live more freely, like supporting mamas in every phase of mamahood (conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, all the way up!), like nourishing the world one hug at a time :)
What I am hoping to get from the Goddess Circle is tribeness, connection, inspiration, my own emotional midwifery so that I can live more free, too :) All the delicious goodies that come from joining a sacred circle of radiant women :)))
I know it has been a while since I have posted on here. I will be honest, I haven’t been feeling very insightful recently. The weird part is that I have been proud of myself for living more aligned with my values of love and peace through adversity than ever. But stress and some other things that feel “unaligned” seem to monopolize that place where insight used to grow and want to be shared from.
We have been just BEing recently. It has been free-ing, but I feel kinda unproductive. I had such big dreams for this RV-journey that we were going to embark upon. Now I feel like I am spinning my wheels (very slowly, even) in mud. I am trying to dream, to stay focused on my dreams. I think I used up all my motivation and inspiration LOL Now, I am replenishing? Who knows…
So, our plans at this point are to comandeer some land (LOL) and start building and growing a life. I need some stillness. I miss the comfort that comes with being in the same space over and over and over and over. I want to lay in one spot in the sun on the grass for about a month, I think LOL
I am ready for a small beautiful home nestled on big green faery land not too far from the beach, to build things and grow things, to live sustainably, to richly unschool my children, to create a face Tribe, to run my own business, to have the freedom to spontaneously travel, to love a partner and build together a wildly blissful life and family, with lots and lots and lots of stolen romance.
A place for building big dreams, treehouses, a big swing, animal habitats, playhouses, pillow forts, fairy gardens, labrynths, coy ponds, and anything else I can find on the internet to inspire me :)
I have sure come full circle. I wanted to get out of my house because I was feeling restless about just laying around browsing the internet at my will, feeling over-full on inspiration and needing experiences to live them. Now, I am reallllllly looking forward to just laying around browsing the internet at my will, feeling over-full on inspiration LOL
I am grateful for the journeys I have taken, even if they all end up leading right back to home. I guess that makes me a bit of an adventurer LOL I feel like the prodigal woman :)) And I have a whole new appreciation for it all. I love the life I have lived, the many adventures (often contrasting) that I have undertaken, and what meaning it all brings to my present. I love how thinking about it reminds me of the powerful manifestor that I am. I have really done a lot of things! I have felt so passionately about so much in my life — what a blessed life to have lived. Not that it is over. No, not at all :)))
I think I am learning to not take it all so seriously. I used to be such an extremist, like something I was going to do or was into was radically completely amazingly transforming everything in my life from the bottom up. Okay, so maybe it did. Maybe it’s just more normalized for me to radically change everything from the ground up now? Well, whatever it is, I feel less attached to the permanence I once felt about the whole thing.
I was afraid to grow on land, the way I want to now. I was afraid to invest in something that would ultimately be impermanent. But I have learned that I can beautify the world, even if I don’t stay with that spot forever. And I have learned that I will find another amazing wild chapter to pursue once this land chapter has died off in my heart. I don’t have to be afraid of something being amazing, or of something ending or being gone. I will keep on trekin’.
I have a confession to make. For all my loving not fitting in boxes, I really love words that define something. As you can tell, I really love to write. I love playing with words, using them to create a feeling in another, using them to bring something that is inside me out of me, through some medium, and into you. Words are powerful things! They are like arrows pointing people to amazing places.
I have a dear friend who said once that we will have 9 names in our life. The first is chosen for us, and the remaining we chose for ourselves. The name my mother gave me upon my birth was Vanessa. In Hebrew it means “star” and in Greek it means “butterfly”. This was the PERFECT name for me. I resonate with the butterfly in the way that I transcend areas of my life, like names. My biggest name change was to Radical Mama. I am STILL Radical Mama (especially to some of my dearest friends). I always will be. And then wild zen – love it! Thank you for giving me that space to dwell and grow.
Both of those names have been me naming myself something that I was aspiring toward and then feeling ready for change once I felt I had achieved it.
I knew this winter that it was time to shed my name (like my hair) and redfine myself. But I am done looking at names like a house I may outgrow. I decided to pick a name that encompassed the very essence of my soul. I looked at myself in the mirror and called myself it to see if it fit. I wrote it several times to make sure I enjoyed the asthetics of it. I delved the depths of my insides, and I sat with names to see how they fit over time.
I had a WILD synchronis moment. A couple years ago, whilst pondering the fact that if I went on to be a midwife that I might put myself out of business because of my fierce trust of unassisted birth, I started having some conversations with a few of my amazing friends (I’m so blessed to have so many of those!). We started talking about outlaw midwivery (a midwife who defies the medical path and medical rules, to aid women in birth the way it has been done since life began), and I got this vision to create a comic called Outlaw Midwife, where the main character would be this kickass woman-empowering mountaintribe-dwelling afterbirth-supporting team-mama-rallying goddess guru, and I loved the “Om”-ness of the whole thing. Well, the outlaw midwife became Ooma. And I knew that she is me in the years after my children have grown to be adults. There is so much more to this vision, but the main point is Ooma. So….. A month ago-ish while I was searching for my name, I decided I needed a birth goddess in my name. I found a website and checked each name to see if it resonated with me, and the last name on the list was Uma “goddess of all things feminine, especially birth”. ABOUT KNOCKED MY SOCKS OFF!
But I don’t feel like my face is ready to be called Uma or Ooma just yet. There is another name is that perfect for now.
I am Soul. Wild Soul. Wild Soul Free.
And are you ready for this? I am going to change my name legally. I am ready to sever the ties to the name my mother gave me, to the person I once was and am not longer, ready to let go of my past and embrace my present and my future. Ready to let go of who I was to become who I am.
No, I am not going to legally change my name to Wild Soul LOL
Soul Uma Rose Free
OMGosh, my initials will spell SURF! SUPER cool :D Just noticed that….
Wild is going to be more like my title than a name ;) And I will finally have the same last name as my baby :D
Soul is so kickass, the Amazon Worrior monk, guru goddess, the embodiment of all things female (strong and hard, soft and flexible), radiant and reverant, reeking of wildcat sexiness and earthy sensuality ;)
Have I mentioned already that I have been practicing stepping into my power? It is quite exquisite and satisfying. More on that later. But Soul is powerful.
I am Soul. It’s nice to meet you <3
And in other name-changing news. How do you like the new blog feel?
Wildcraftingzen: the radical act of embracing life and simply being. That is what wildcraftingzen is: taking wild life and processing it inwardly to find peace. Oh yeah, baby! So, this blog is going to be a couple different things: my outward expression of an inward journey, and my jumping off point in businesshood. I am SO ready to do some work. Stepping into my power over here, and so ready to do this. READY to do this. Here I go!
I have more changes to make on the blog, as you will see as time unfolds. I read this quote recently that keeps coming back up inside me, and I can’t remember it word for word, but it goes something like, Self growth is like building a new ship from the ship you are already on while out to sea. The balance between stepping into the future and taking care of the present… What a fun dance it is :D
I am still soaking in the soul nourishment from our overnight camping at the beach. It started upon arrival. We found the perfect spot, overlooking the playground, next to the new bathrooms, and within eyeshot of a firepit we wanted to nab that night. An amazing soul sister and her family came to join us for a bit of fun at the playground, then blessed us with the means to spend the night there.
This mama was in Pisces heaven!
I took a gazillion pictures and spent SO.MUCH.TIME just reflecting and standing in awe of how our time was perfectly unfolding.
After our friends/family left, we ran down to the water, where the kids played and I explained some stuff about the ocean to my Pisces son (like how the tides work and how sea creatures once lived in the shells we were finding).
I am home
We found peace in the sand
The kids got wet and sandy, and we headed back up to rinse off in the showers, as some new friends of ours showed up to bar-b-que with us.
The sun starting to set
The food and the company was delicious — complete with the s’mores :)) We quickly realized that the firewood we (overpricedly) purchased was not going to be enough to get us through the bar-b-que even, so Kass went on a hunt for more firewood and blessed us with some HUGE heavy pieces that I knew would last us all night :))
The firepit was magic, toasty, incredibly healing.
After our friends left, me and the kids just sat there with the fire — the kids did a bit of dancing around to their favorite tunes, and Kass serenaded us to her favorite YouTube videos until her phone died. And we just sat. Noble fell asleep in my arms. I sat there for a long time thinking, “This is it. This is what this is all about.”
After I went and laid him inside the RV (and Kass stayed inside to read), Najaia and I grabbed my drum and headed back out to the firepit. It was a full moon. Let me back up a bit…. When I was pregnant with Najaia, I developed a burning desire to drum, so for my birthday right after she was born, I bought a djembe drum off Craigslist with background and energy I could vibe with :) I had plans to visit drum circles and hula hoop jams :) Well, we haven’t left the house with it, but the kids have enjed showing me what natural drummers they are inside :)) I, personally, seem to not be made for drumming, as I cannot keep a rhythm to save my life.
So, I bring the drum down to the firepit. And Najaia and I get comfy and start drumming together. I close my eyes and think of the full moon, and let the full moon channel through me. I can’t say the sound was necessarily something I would proudly display, but it flowed through me and was a first step on my drum-playing-learning journey <3 What was most amazing was the magic that Najaia and I shared. As you can imagine, her and I don’t get a lot of alone time together. This was extra-special :))
That night, I got to fall asleep to the sound of waves crashing at the shore… *melt*
The next morning, Najaia awoke with me, and we headed out to the playground to play, where I met an amazing hippy mama with kids spaced almost exactly like mine! I kept thinking, gosh, now that I have gotten out of the house in the last month and a half, I am meeting the most AWESOME people! Noble awoke while we were at the playground, and after our friends left, I grabbed my drum, and me and the babies headed down to the water.
The beach was almost empty (early morning, school in session), and that was where the drumming magic happened. It started with the kids drumming (and Najaia dancing, too)
and then it was my turn to drum. I channeled the ocean and listened to the drum, and it seemed my arms knew what to do, and my hands, too. It sounded AMAZING! Suddenly, the drum was a wonderland of sounds and feels and movements.
What rose up out of me was definitely drum-circle worthy. I was REALLY jamming. It was so awesome.
Noble asked if we could go up to the playground and I explained that I was playing for the waves. Suddenly, a wave starts climbing up the sand toward us – probably 10 feet of recently-wet sand, and at least 15 feet of dry sand… and stops about 4 feet from us. I was in awe and almost leapt up and cheered. I silently thanked the ocean for the greeting, the acknowledgement that I was playing for her. I look down the beach as far as I can see and see that it only came up that high in about 3 spots.
Noble’s jaw has practically dropped. He takes the drum and starts drumming.
still drumming almost 20 minutes later
He drums the tide in <3
Finally, he gets the sand-climbing wave he was waiting for :)) We decide to join Najaia in water play :))
digging for sand crabs
running away from the wave
Off on an adventure :)
Cutest baby feet pic I have ever seen :)) You can see her little pink-with-black-spots toenails :)
Then we head back up to the RV with plans to walk out on the jedi (sp? — the rock entrance/exit to the harbor). After we get changed, the sound of seals “ar-ar-AR”ing draws the babies to the boat docks part of the harbor :))
The CUTEST cloth diaper EVER, special made for Najaia from her Auntie MB — it’s a purple tiedyed star!
Kass joins us :))
Sisters <3
Doing what boys do <3 (or what my kids do LOL)
Making her sister feel better <3
As it turns out, there were 4 seals sunbathing in the water :)) (and one playing and “ar-ar-AR”ing :))
I really wanted to get out on the jedi, and we had a birthday party to attend, so the time was a bit crunched. So, I talked the kids into going back to the RV with me to get ready for our hike out into the ocean :)) We ended up eating lunch (bread, bree, and apples — YUM!), and when we headed out of the RV, we ran into a dear friend who happened to be at the playground with her daughter! So, we stuck around with them for a little while.
Wow, she touched my heart by expressing how encouraging my journey (via facebook) has been for her recently. We hugged for a long time. It was just what I needed to seal up the beach visit. I showed her the inside of the RV (hahaha, in all it’s messiness!), and we said good bye. As I drove away, I felt the peace lingering. We stopped to dump our tanks and made new friends (full-timers of 10 years currently renting some horse-land property in Vista).
During all the chaos, I had a few moments when we were driving by a gentleman sitting at the entrance of a shopping center collecting change, and we would make eye contact and he would throw up the peace sign, and everything inside me would rise up and resound, “Yeeeeessssssssss!!!!!!!”
Peace. Oneness. That is what this is all about.
I saw this same gentleman a handful of times – each one reminding me of the beautiful humanity of people. This man touched my soul and my journey in ways he never could have imagined. It was like an amazing photograph — in a pocket in this crazy world is the eye of the storm: the gentleman with the peace sign.
He reminded me of this graphic that I have loved so much for so many years:
So, Monday was the day I wrapped up our storage situation. My friend’s garage no longer holds anything that belongs to me, and the van (that we are still trying to sell) only has in it a folding table and chairs and 2 large hula hoops that we will probably strap to top of an economy car that we will buy when we sell the van :)) Yesterday, as I situated our stuff in a more permanent manner, I realized that we can comfortably live with what we own right now. Wow. That is amazing. It only took 1 1/2 months longer than I had anticipated LOL
Peace. Stuff peace. If the whole world went quiet and you sat down in the middle and meditated without interruption – THAT is the calm I feel from having stuff peace.
Ahhh, peace.
On, Tuesday, we were driving down to the beach, and I spotted a woman in a crowd waiting to cross the street with dreads that stuck up in all directions on her head. I couldn’t help but smile big to her, and she smiled back — an enthusiastic “That’s right” kind of smile :) And as she passed by us to cross the street, she held up 2 fingers to share a moment of global peace and oneness with me.
I almost died!!!!!!! The peace sign again. I haven’t seen so many peace signs (and from a delicious rainbow of folks) since the 60s — okay, I was in the womb in the 60s, but I can imagine :)
The beach was A.MAZ.ING. It was just what this wild zen tribe needed, just what this peace-seeking bohemian Pisces mama needed. And there, we found peace in the sand…
This trip to the beach rivaled the overnight campsite for soul nourishment. This is exactly why we gave up everything we owned and moved into an RV. Boondocking and staying in our old neighborhood were great for my tiny wallet, but staying in these spots made me remember why I want to flourish in self-sustainability! I want this to be my life. The inner peace that I find when we are parked somewhere where we can get out and explore overnight fills me up in ways I can only begin to explain. I want this to be my life.
People talk a lot about nutrition. Nutrition, to me, is like the spirit, the head, meditation, yoga, tranquility, zen. Important in its own right.
Nourishment, to me, is more like stuff of the soul, living from the stomach, following one’s internal compass without judgment, living one’s truth. It follows whims and doesn’t have to be quiet or reverant.
Nutrition counts the calories and the vitamins on a food label. Nourishment checks internally to see if it is hitting the spot.
Nutrition can listen to experts on what is healthy and best, but nourishment knows no one “outside” can begin to know what what “inside” me needs better than I do.
Nourishment is a kind of fulfillment and a feeling of substance.
Nourishment, for me, can be a green smoothie, or it can be a pint of ice-cream, whatever my soul needs.
Nourishment goes beyond food, though, too. Nourishment is physical, and it’s also emotional and mental and soulful. Nourishment can come through spending some sisterhood time with a beloved. Nourishment can come from laughing through a board game with the family. Nourishment can come from a long (uninterrupted) candle-lit bath.
Nourishment is kinda like healing, without the assumption that there is some ailment to heal. Nourishment is like healing something that isn’t wounded. It’s like giving something a blessing.
The concept of nourishment fills some gaps in my life and in my family. I didn’t want to see some things as “broken” or “hurt” or “needing fixing/healing”. I can provide nourishment to someone who is not lacking in some way and I prefer to see people as whole and complete. The concept of nourishment helps me flow through the space I want to hold for people who I sense just need a bit “more”. It doesn’t have to mean there is anything wrong with what is.
My family is due some nourishment :)) In some ways it has already begun. Kassidy’s computer broke a couple days ago, and she has been adjusting to an unplugged life, where the option for mental stimulation has been to connect with me and her siblings. I hadn’t realized how absent she had really been until I realized how delicious it has been to spend more time with her. Without the option to spend every waking moment in her room with the door closed, she has been venturing out to compromise with Noble about what they can watch together on my computer. I really loved getting her and Noble their own things last year, so they didn’t have to share — it was perfect for the time (she was too angry and needed some space, and he was too young and had totally different interests), and now it feels perfect to have her interacting with us again on things. Having her interacting with us more feels like it is nourishing our family <3
Speaking of nourishment, with this mostly-empty house, we have been able to really shift our energy to the basics (one of my biggest reasons for wanting to live so simply) like preparing food. I have been cooking/preparing up a storm in the kitchen :))) I look forward to Kass cooking with me in the future. She is an awesome chef, and we can have lots of fun working together to create ways of continuing to nourish our family :)) We were talking yesterday about her giving me 3 weeks of feeding her whole and nourishing foods. I very much believe that we are what we eat, and so Kassidy is currently Top-Roman and Arizona iced tea. I can think of more nourishing things I would love for her to be :))) I know what we eat impacts our moods and mental activity, etc. I look forward to seeing what path this diet may take her down, even if she chooses to return to her current diet after the experiment :))
A child who said she was too old to sleep with me a few weeks ago and couldn’t sleep at night is curled up asleep at 10pm with her head on my leg <3
I loooooooove dreads. Ja’s dreads were, I am shameless to admit, one of the biggest reasons I initially gave him the time of day (or night, as it were). Noble’s dreads are one of my top 10 favorite things in the whole world. I’ve considered dreads for myself, but keep finding that I love my wild curls even better.
I always imagined having my dread-head son and my curly girly, and it seemed meant to be, as her curls are bigger and silky soft. One problem: she hates getting her hair brushed. She yells “No!” and runs down the hall and out of the house if I even try. It’s a bit easier in the shower, when I can soak her hair in conditioner while I comb/brush, easy distract her, move slowly and mindfully, and do a lot of “emotional damage control” in a small confined space.
Well, it’s been over a week since we brushed her hair, with everyone being sick. And today I realized that I understood why my stepmom just chopped all of our (her own, my older sister who is half Black, and myself) curls off to about an inch or 2 long. This is so much work, and it’s losing it’s meaning for all of us. As I brushed and imagined life in an RV, I released my attachments and submitted to “Okay, dreads.” WHOOSH! Sudden alignment.
This is going to be a win-win all over the place! She won’t have to get her hair brushed, the upkeep is minimal and requires a lot less stuff in the RV, less water it will need (which is a big deal in an RV that plans to live unplugged), and an added bonus — it will be fun to see it grow long instead of out :))) Not that I don’t love me an afro (have you seen my hair?).
Speaking of, I have decided now is the time to start using baking soda and apple cider vinegar for my hair instead of shampoo and conditioner. If I start now, it will give me about 2 1/2 months for my hair to adjust and transition, so it will be easy when we are on the road :)) Also, I am open to a dread/curls combo for my hair. We shall see with time :)))
A trade off….. I’ve enjoyed looking at ways to trade-off stuff/space with experiences. I mean, that’s kind of the main goal of this adventure in the first place. I was thinking of leaving my foot care stuff and getting a pedicure with Kass once a month-ish! I’m hoping it will be some great me & Kass time. It will mean less stuff in the RV, which is always nice. And mostly, we and our feet deserve the pampering – the scrubbing, the detail work, the massage. Oh, the massage *melt* That got me to thinking what a wonderful benefit regular massage and chiropractic alignment would be for Kass and I as we realign our bodies and lives with healthiness and slow intentional living. Another way to align our life :)))
Speaking of healing, soul journey….. I kept thinking this was going to be a spiritual journey, but I am realizing this is going to be much more of a soul journey, tempered with a bit of spiritualness :)) I have known all along that this was going to be a journey of self and that it would require solitude, maybe in large doses. I thought I could find that “self” in snippets during days and in between visits. I thought I could eek by for the first couple visits and nab it in a larger quantity later in the journey, so we could hurry and get on the road and get out of familiar territory and not miss anyone during our far-shot trajectory.
At this point in my preparation for finding a deeper level of self and connecting with beloveds, it is becoming more and more clear to me that we need to take some serious time to ourselves before we descend upon anyone :))
We need time to detox from this “junk food” life, we need to adjust to being unplugged, and we need to do some healing and connection with ourselves and each other before we can really do a visit with you justice. Right now, I’m a little insecure about visits. I’m insecure about some bits of myself that are out of alignment or underdeveloped, and I’m insecure about my wild bunch. Not to say that you wouldn’t love us in our imperfections or be fine with our wildness, but I don’t want to compound those insecurities with the anxiety I would feel if I was insecure. I want to feel confident and comfortable, and I want to feel like we are healthy and well-adjusted. We all have some healing and adjusting to do before we start connecting with our tribe <3
This is what I currently think the first couple steps of our journey will look like:
I think our first stop will be a reasonably-priced campground with gorgeous, natural, and quiet grounds to do the initial detox and adjustment, to work out the kinks close to familiarity. The plan is to have no Internet, extreme minimal technology, maybe no phone even, to spend about a month or two indulging in nature, immersing ourselves in the simplest family living, and some serious alignment. I am saying a month or two, but I really have no idea how long it will take to feel ready — could be much less, could be even longer?
Once we are all ready to move on and get out on the road, our road freedom will begin. I have clue where we will start heading, because it will depend on the season, our budget, our priorities, and our newfound internal compass’ direction.
There is a certain internal nourishment that comes with making all these plans. It’s as if realizing what we need most kinda heals that part inside us, so we are open to the next priority in our journey. It started with wanting to take life one step at a time, then wanting to race around and see everyone, then it was about spending depth with each person, and now it is finding our inner alignment first. It’s exciting to see what may come up next! I hope you don’t mind being strung along on this internal journey <3 What I do know is that when we pull up to your house, we will all be better for it :)))
So, the path of life keeps shifting before us — it’s so exciting!!!! But it sure makes it hard to pin things down for other’s :)) The only guarantee that I can give you is “I will be there when you see the whites of my eyes, but I will be there.”
A couple things seem to have changed in the plans I shared before, and I wanted to share what those will be. Firstly, we most likely will not be keeping the house. We will probably be travelling by RV. We will probably be leaving in July (no later than August 1st — the last day of my lease). We will probably be doing the 4 corners the opposite direction I had originally planned. We will be moving slower (gas prices and RV gas mileage — yikes!).
I may take a quick trip in the van up to San Fransisco and Oregon, and swing down through Colorado for 4th of July (fireworks are illegal in California) to party with some loved ones, before coming home to sell the van, buy the RV, and get out of this house.
I will be stopping along the way everywhere we know someone. I don’t want to miss anyone.
So, now the dates are a little wierd. I am thinking, if we are going through Texas in September, we may have to go to the Rethinking Everything Conference. I need to really sit with that and decide if this is do-able, so I can let other’s know, in case they want to join us.
We have a month or 2 to poke around Texas and Louisiana.
We hope to be in Florida when winter comes, so we can play snowbirds this year :))
Once it starts warming up, we will head north toward Maine, visiting family and friends along the way.
Then head west (down into the Ohio area), where we can spend far more than a week with each loved one, if we want to :))
Then across to Kansas and into Colorado, and either to Washington and then down, or straight back into California — our next trip will probably be up to Alaska, and we can head back up through the San Fran and Oregon areas then. The end of the trip is always the hardest to plan, because it is so far from where we are now, and it is so close to our next trip, that we never know the last few stops. But, I think you get the point of the current plan.
I won’t know what we are travelling in, until we have purchased it and are living in it. I won’t know when we will be somewhere until we are leaving the stop before. But I do know that each of you mean so much to me, and I look forward to being able to visit you unhurried. I will get there, I promise <3
I have one other bombshell to drop on you all. I probably will not get a cell phone for the trip (other than an emergency prepaid phone). I think I am just going to get internet (especially since I can text from my ipod with it). I will see — it’s another thing I really have to think about :))
I look forward to some uninterrupted solitude, to sort out some inside reflection stuff. Just me, one book at a time, my journal, and an array of marker/pens to get creative. Some comfy spots with a beautiful view. Some whole foods. A heart and a mind full of infinite creativity and brilliance :)
I look forward to the weightlessness of living nomadically. I look forward to letting go of obligations and meaninglessness. I don’t know how impressed my little ones are going to be with traveling, except to play with new friends and see cool new spots in nature to explore. I’m looking forward to living that simply :)) I want to type a blog post under a tree with a view, or explore a riverbank for hours on end, slide down sanddunes on a snow disk, have a picnic by a waterfall. I want my world to revolve around who to visit and what to see and explore in the next moment (I just had a Freudian slip — I typed oment: OMent) :))
I look forward to being free of these walls and all this stuff :)) I can say that now without feeling a weight in my gut — I decided I’m not tied to it, so I can find contentment in the dis-ease I was feeling about all of it before. I may be looking at a painted wall, but this is what my spirit sees:
In one of my last writings, I wrote about how I knew I wasn’t lazy, but couldn’t quite find the word, and then Law of Attraction jumped in to answer my request in the form of Tara writing an amazing blog post about how It’s Not Laziness You Need To Overcome (6 Things You Are Instead of Lazy). And it really fit with a quote I remember reading from Abraham Hicks last year about how you are not “procrastinating”, it’s just that whatever it is that needs to get done is not in alignment with where you are at in your life right now. I wanted to share that little synchrony with you <3
So, I have been thinking a lot about anxiety. I have had a few things shift around and inside me that feel both liberating and insightful that I wanted to share. Firstly, I need to share this video with you, because it’s all grounded in that.
I just watched that video again a couple minutes ago, and it made me cry. I want to speak from my belly. I want to LIVE from my belly. I want to know that divine feminine. I want to BE that divine feminine. I’ve been thinking so much recently about how badly I need a retreat. I started to have one, you know… Until I realized that what I need is much bigger than to avoid facebook and blogging. I need to exit this house and insert myself in some deep and serious mother nature. So, now I am in Operation Get-the-hell-out-of-this-house Mode. I am really contemplating not keeping this house. Who knows….
Anyway, so back to anxiety. When I think of living and BEING from my belly, and anxiety, and my over-eating, and my history with food and depression and self-searching…. I realize that my eating is not a borometer of what state my life is. My stomach is the foundation of what my life is. It’s the path I want to walk, and it is my inner guide, my compass. And anxiety, anxiety is exiting my belly and entering my head.
I’ve talked about grounding myself in my truth when feeling and talking and connecting. I have been connecting with my belly! Grounding myself has really been coming from my belly. And I ask myself, what would life be like if I lived it from my belly? And my answer to myself is Wow. Just wow.
I would know that anxiety was a fear of the path my stomach would take me down.
Anxiety is the draw away from my belly. Anxiety is being afraid of honesty, being afraid of the truth.
Can I just say that again? That floating restlessness that makes me want to climb out of my fingertips from my brain is me trying to escape what is true.
Wow. I am crying again.
So, what is true?
What true is that little bits of stuff come up during the day, during my interactions with people, and I rush off in the other direction to avoid those bits. Social anxiety.
What’s true is that I’m afraid to be all of me.
All of me. Embracing every bit of me that I resist and judge and fear and adore and am afraid to let out of the closet.
And I will tell you something about my fears. I have been educated so well on so many “shoulds” that I am afraid of letting them go. I feel like a small child who wants to run and play in an open meadow carefree, but my parent is telling me about all of the things that I must do instead. And I cannot BEGIN to tell you how strong the urge is to just walk away from it all. What are they going to do — take away my birthday?
So, this is the deal. I am going to start working on this house (more than just shifting stuff around and taking pics to post on Craigslist). I am going to start taking loads of stuff out to the garage for a garage sale, and loads to stuff to the dumpster — sorry Mother Earth, I wish I had the energy to sift through everything and find it all homes, but part of the problem in the first place is that I horde so much stuff for possible future craft projects to avoid filling the dumpsters in the first place! I rescue stuff from the dumpsters, so I am going to use that to justify this chance to just call it all quits.
I have to walk away. I need to go on this retreat like LAST WEEK, so I need to get my butt moving.
I have been feeling the need to just BE THERE already. I am tired of the sage advice about the journey and shyt. You don’t understand. I’ve been on this freakin journey, and it has been great, but I am bursting out of here and I need to do it where I need to do it (over THERE).
Next month (if not sooner, goodness!) we will be on the road. I am ready to be out of here. Over ready.
I can’t wait to go find my belly life. I can’t wait to get back in touch with my belly, to ground myself in it until I am unshakable and unappologetic. Until it is so my truth that no “obligations” or “shoulds” can weigh me down or penetrate into my space.
Currently, I am like a 3 Muskateers candy bar — soft chocolate shell with a super-soft nougetty center. I want to be more like an M&M — a hard candy shell with hard chocolate inside that melts in your mouth, not in your hands :))
There is so much in my current life that I am uncomfortable with, that is out of alignment with what I know to be the truth I want to embrace and live. I cannot WAIT (literally), to drop all of this and move the heck on to greener cobblestone paths :))))))))
***note, I only included names of people whose blogs I can link to, so don’t feel left out if I didn’t include your name <3
So, this is our travel plan — disregard anything from the past that might be confusing, and take this account as the new whole deal :)))
In mid-to-late June, we will have an appointment that may dictate what day we actually get out the door, so I can’t set up a launch date at this time. What we have decided to do is leave the house and plants and cats with my brother until November and tow a pop-up trailer with our minivan. This enables lots of things.
Firstly, I know my van is good, and I just will never know with a used RV (and the ones in our price range are like 20 years old!). Also, our van gets 3 times better gas mileage than an RV would, and for a family who wants to hurry around the entire country to see people, this matters very much right now.
A pop-up trailer is perfect for us, because it will be light enough for my minivan to tow and provide the basic necessities (a kitchen with fridge, a dinette, and 2 big beds with the option to convert the dinette into another bed), which will make a perfect little need-meeting home-base when we are in transit or transition so often for an extended period of time.
And leaving the house allows us storage for the stuff we want to bring into an RV but not into a van/pop-up trailer set-up. It allows me time to take care of some bigger projects that I’d rather not force to get done with everything else I need to do by June. My cats get to stay in the comfort of the home they have known for the last year-ish with my brother who has lived with us most of their lives and love very much. We get to have a mailing address and someone I trust to check my mail for me. And this allows us to have my brother fix the house up for probable-move-out (without my kids and dog thrashing it along the way) upon our return, while my brother gets to stay somewhere for very little rent and responsibility while he saves up to do his thing.
So, we head out in mid- or late-June and will drive California Highway 1, which goes right along the ocean coast, so we can soak in one of the most gorgeous drives in all of America. We are going to stop in the San Fransisco area the first night and stay for a couple days visiting loved ones in the area and seeing some sites.
Then we will head up into Oregon along the 1 and 101 to visit my dear MB and the Oregon green mountainy coast sites <3 On June 30th, we will head out, to Washington for our first Rainbow Gathering, which goes from July 1st-7th. A tent and airbed will have to do while we are more focused on connecting with a family/community that I feel like I have been searching my whole life for <3
Once the Rainbow Gathering is over, we plan to spend another weekish in Washington with loved ones in the area and checking out sites :)) Then, we are going to spend the rest of July tracing the northernmost states east. I will be spending some much-needed solitude time to reflect on the Gathering and life and what all of this travel and connection means. And the kids will be exploring nature and our family ties.
We have about 3 weeks to slowly head east, with the “plan” being that we will spend August in the Ohio area. I say “area” because Ohio is actually only one of the states we will be setting up home (including Illinois and maybe another state or so that I am not certain of). I am hoping to spend about a week (give-or-take based on driving time) at a time in 4 different places in the “Ohio area”, visiting dearly-missed family in Chicago and friends like Kristin and Abby and Laura and other non-bloggers like my longest-friend, Amy :))
When September comes, we hope to be off toward Maine, to see my dear Nikki/Starcat, other dear loved ones along the way, and some soul-healing sites (like, hopefully, a hike up the tallest peak on the east coast, to be the first ones in the U.S. to see the sun rise that day). Then we will follow the entire east coast south and see many loved ones (mostly family on the kids’ dad’s side, sprinkled with dear friends like Jen), until we find ourselves in Florida for the rest of September and maybe part of October. The kids’ dad lives in Florida, as well as some other loved ones that we want to spend lots of time with (Kim and Grace!!!!) <3 We may drive down the Florida Keys (or at least some of them), and I would like to follow the sun across the sky one day (watch it rise on one coast and set on the other coast).
The last leg of the journey is all up in the air. Partly depending on whether certain events are going to take place. Partly depending on our budget. Partly depending on the dates and how long we spent in Florida. Partly depending on if we want to relax more, race home fast, stop a million more places, or any other variation of these things.
These are some of our options:
loved ones in Texas
family reuinion in Oklahoma in early October
family/friends in Kansas
loved ones and sites to see in Colorado (we used to live there, so I anticipate this taking a lot of time)
If we rush back to our house from Florida, in the least, we will stop to see folks in Texas and maybe in Arizona (but that is close enough that we can visit them again in the near future, if we don’t have time or energy to stop and make camp again before racing home). If we rush through this time, our next trip will start off spending a lot more time in these places we will miss. Yes, I already have a second trip (more for sight-seeing and such) percolating and formulating.
For those of you who are more visually-inclined, our trip will look roughly like this:
That is about 6 months, all 4 corners of the continental U.S., a multitude of diverse landscapes, and lots of connection. It will be a food experience-extravaganza, an adventure of the senses. I am aiming for a formula that looks something like this:
70% time with beloveds
25% time solitude/me-and-the-kids time (some of this will be during driving, some during transitional camping days, and some during searching out sites that heal the soul)
5% of our time purely for site-seeing (that means more for the sites than for the inner healing the sites might do)
This trip is more for the people than the places, but needs a good flavor of places, too :)) We are going through the north first when there is less chance of weather that will be too cold to enjoy sleeping in our pop-up trailer. We will be driving through the north east during September when we should have some of the most spectacular views of fall that I have ever seen (my favorite season). We plan to drive back along the south during the colder months, in hopes that it will be the warmest areas of the US during that season (and the coolest times of year for those desserts!).
The trip will determine what sight-seeing we will actually have time for, and a lot of our trip will be learn-as-we-go — like how well the babies will do for the driving part of the whole journey, as well as the constant transitioning part. I will follow their needs. I want to move slowly and make sure we all feel like our trailer is homebase, just with different views :)) Google Maps calculates that we could make the trip in 6 days, 5 hours. Stretching that out over 6 months feels slow and relaxing (the point), so we shall see how that actually translates.
When we get home, we will decide what we want to do at that point. We may want to stay in our house (for who-knows how long), or we may want to ditch the house and get an RV-as-home, or we may want to continue in our van/pop-up trailer set up (maybe with some improvements, like a solar panel system and an outdoor shower and an awning and a storage container on the roof of the van), or we may find a whole different idea at that point :)) I love options :D
The main goal for this trip: see the people we love. Because as soon as I realized we could buy an RV and go see all of you, and then calculated the cost of gas and maintenance, I realized that it would take way too long to see some of you further-away-beloveds. So, this trip is about meeting/seeing everyone and getting a feel for long-term traveling.
Real full-timing, for me, will be when we have no house (crazy octopus leg squiggling outside of my tightly contained jar of responsibility). That will be true freedom for me. Of course, if we get rid of the house, we will have to find a solution for the cats. I don’t think they will be comfortable in a pop-up trailer or a minivan LOL If we had an RV, I would preserve a special spot for them <3 But an RV takes me back to my original delima of gas mileage and maintenance. So, we shall see. The beauty of living a nomadic life, is that change and creativity are embedded in the foundation of thinking, and this leavess infinite possibilities :)))
I have been moved a couple times in the last week toward retreat. This happens often when I have been spending far too much time socializing on the Internet (I feel the need to draw back in, process it all, and then grow it outward). No surprise that my feeling drawn toward transformation comes in the midst of this new life I am setting out to live. I have big plans for this transformation, and I need to do some retreating to figure out the details of my innards <3
In case anyone was interested, this blog post first got me to thinking (thank you, MB, for sharing), and this gathering has moved me beyond words. I feel like that last one is what my soul has been searching for my whole life. Anyone who has visited the spaces I create will know how perfectly aligned this is for me. And I want to healing-sob from the deep depths of me over the perfectness of timing and location…
My current life feels so out of line. I need to get aligned. I don’t know how long my retreat will be, but I look forward to me re-emergence <3
Although, we do not identify as Christians, we do love excuses to celebrate :)))) And the celebration of rebirth seems to be univeral around this time of year (Spring), so I can get down with that :)) Here are some pics of our day:
In her Sunday best :))
Saying “cheeeeese”
He is going to melt hearts someday…
Can I take a moment to express just how much I love them? Wow, words can’t begin to describe!
Searching for the Ostara bunny
Trying to find that bunny
Basket time :))
Kassidy being a bunny :)))
Speaking of bunnies…. A chocolate one curled up in the grass with some eggs made of fabric scraps :)
Bash had to get in on the love action :))))
He tolerated this for about 10 seconds LOL
One says “celebrate” and the other says “rebirth” (hollow eggs that I was going to make tacky earrings out of LOL)
Gay pride rabbit egg :))))
“stained glass” or “tie-dyed” eggs :)))
We always write their names on one egg each every year :))
My favorite eggs — no surprise LOL purple stars and spirals :))))))))))))))
Some Spring-themed cupcakes that I made — delicious :)
My oldest daughter and I do this flip-flopped postition on road living. The last time I was so excited and ready to drop everything to live on an RV, my daughter realized we would not be able to take her entire collection of stuffed animals into the RV with us (3 big trashbags full) and so decided she wasn’t ready to do it. So, I supported her and tucked my dreams away. But I felt resentful when the house was a mess, knowing that if we were living in an RV, I wouldn’t be spending half my day cleaning. Stuff like that.
So, I decided to be happy where I am, and if that meant I wasn’t in an RV, it didn’t mean we couldn’t live simply as if we were in an RV. So, I simplified the house and have found myself SUPER happy in this home for the last couple months. My daughter, during the simplification process, made a few comments about being fine with living in an RV again, but by then, I was invested in completing this chapter of our lives (finishing out the lease here, at least).
Then I meet Tara and a couple amazing familes a month ago, and I reconnected with a dear family, the Leapleys, who I adored and missed during the months revolving around the birth of their 7th family member <3 Now, as I write this, the Leapleys AND one of the families from the gathering with Tara are prepping their RVs for move-in within the next few weeks. So, my embers were stoked, and I started researching again.
I have decided I want to go the bus conversion route (which would allow my daughter to bring all of her stuffed animals LOL). It is AWESOME what can be personalized inside of those beasts! I have it all planned out, like you can only imagine. Now, my daughter is talking about wanting to stay here again…. Of course.
So, I was thinking about it last night, and I have decided that I want to make this as consensual as possible, but I’m still moving forward. I am going to be as gentle and loving and involving as possible, but it’s time to get on this journey. I know it will be so amazing for our whole family that it will be worth the nudges. Hopefully, by the time it’s time to go, Kass will naturally be back on board with wanting to come again :))) She is going to love this adventure, and it’s going to be so good for her (and the rest of us). I’m not going to drag her kicking and screaming (if she felt adament about NOT going, we wouldn’t), but I just can’t base my decisions for my life and our family on her (geez it is hard to find a word that both validates her changing feelings and expresses the lack of investment in either decision…) “whims”? That’s not it, but I think you get the point.
So, I feel good about this choice. Making a decision, regardless of where she stands at this moment, felt very right to me. I am so glad that I finally feel so ready, so unwaveringly prepared. I feel like my bursting-out-of-my-shell-life is hanging on this thread. I have tried to figure out how to work it from the ground, but I am meant to fly.
So, without further adue… Let me introduce you to the big, purple bus we plan to liberate from her confinement (the owner hasn’t been able to travel in her for well over a year. She has just been parked)…
That is 11 windows!!!!!! The longest bus I know of on one body :))) Perfect for our motley crew :))
And this is her interior:
I have short-term plans and long-term plans. My first priorety is getting the engine converted to run on waste veggie oil (which will require switching out the gasoline engine in it currently, with a diesel engine and THEN converting to veg), so the inside will not undergo major construction until after that, except for the parts of the interior that make living in it necessary and enjoyable. I am planning minimal plumbing and minimal electrical, until the engine is done — every drop of gasoline feels like a waste of money when there is a free way, you know?
So, our bed is going to go in the back (probably have to take out the back third of the shelving, which will be recycled back into the interior), and we are going to bring a couch, a coffee table, a wicker trunk for the kids’ toys, and devote an area to holding “outdoor stuff” (a folding wooden picnic table and chairs, some bikes, hula hoops, etc). The shelving will be full of baskets holding our belongings, and I am going to make some upper shelving that holds the rods for curtains for all the windows, like this:
We will use a makeshift kitchen and bathroom, as long as I can stand it :)) I am going to find the cheapest way to have a floor that is comfortable and easy to clean like linoleum, and I am going to put up a curtain divider to make our bedroom more private, like this:
It’s going to be full of plants, like this:
It’s going to be so beautiful and simplistic <3 But the best part… It will be all mine to do whatever I want with. I’m not renting. I’m owning. …. Oh, the sound of that: I am owning! Oh yeh!!
She needs a name. Eventually, she is going to get a mural-of-a-paint job (curtesy of the kids’ dad, most likely), like this (but waaaaaaaay more purples and spirals and stars :)):
Eventually, she will have solar panels and tanks underneath so we can live off the grid. Someday, she will have wood floors, and a respectable bathroom and kitchen (maybe like this):
I want it to have a colorful gypsy kind of feel to it, like these:
Someday, you may see me and my kids set up like this:
But our bus would be MUCH cooler (and so would the stuff we were selling), and we would be gathered with our gypsy tribe caravan with all their wares, and the kids would be out front hula hooping or sword fighting (or both!), while the adults talked and danced and ate and dreaded each other’s hair and gathered wood for the night’s bonfire party….
I just wrote this “note” on Facebook, titled “Dearest Facebook Friends and Family,”
I have flip-flopped back and forth, to and fro about my relationship with Facebook, about my interactions with all of you, but mostly over how much “me” I want to be with all of you. I have considered shutting down my Facebook account because it doesn’t feel whole to me, since I often censor myself to not offend more conservative loved ones. But then I think of how this is often the easiest way to connect with loved ones, and it is full of so much potential!
I live life intentionally, but I promise, I’m not here to intentionally offend anyone — I am here to be the best me I can be. Not only do I have the inherent right to do so, but if you are on my list, you love me, right? I hope you really love ME. If what I am saying does not resonate with you, I will certainly not be offended if you ignore me :))) I am not afraid of my ignore button :))
I plan to network here, and to shine the brightest me I can be. I am a star, afterall (Vanessa means “star” in Hebrew) — if I don’t shine, I die out, and I am tired of feeling faded and uncharacteristically depressed. I’m ready to burst out of this shell, so be prepared :))) I am loud and bold and eccentric and certainly not conservative. I am wild and outrageous. I LOVE ME! I love being me. I am like the most interesting person I know — I am so in love with me, and I will make no appologies <3 So, love me, too, or not. Jump in and dance with me, or stand on the sidelines. My life is a dance of wild abandon.
I know it’s not for everyone, and I am letting go of negative opinions about it all. I am going to embrace what rocks my world, and I am going to let go of opinions I have been carrying around, opinions that aren’t mine and don’t align with my values. I am going to release the shackles that are not benefitting me. Bursting through this glass ceiling is going to be the catalyst to my self-actualization, manifestation, and wild soaring success.
Oh, this ride is going to be quite an exciting adventure <3 I look forward to the tribe caravan :))
And then I started to flow through the release, and I wrote this:
I have been living a censored version of myself, wanting approval of others, but it has been causing me to not accept myself, which is more important to me. How can I even know whose approval matters, when I don’t have my own? I am prepared… for ridecule. I am prepared to not be understood or supported. I am prepared to look crazy and outlandish. And, once again, I am reminded that through the problem is my liberation! I am searching for what I need in the wrong places, and once I align with my insides and start living true to it, I will find everything that I need: support, approval, etc.
And synchrony released this little capsul of delight, which talks about how (and why) creative people are more eccentric and often “depressed”, and all over I just keep remembering that it is normal to not be accepted by people, to not be approved of, to not be “for everyone” and that is okay. It is common for people to disappoint their parents, and I know of more than one person who has been deemed crazy by society for being true to themselves.
I keep seeking approval and acceptance from others because I don’t have it for myself. Then, I think in terms of some analogies… My messy home, which I may not have shared my liberation concerning, yet, so the analogy is missing the other piece. I was questing to make my home clean and inviting for people, and I rearranged my living/dining area the other day during a revelation that my living/dining area were so sterile. I wanted to avoid mess and avoid opportunities for mess, so it was stripped of everything that might make it less inviting. Once I decided to make my home look more like a home, with touches of humanness and warmth, the whole thing just “rushed” into flow-mode. I just birthed an inviting home, after at least a year of pregnancy on the whole thing. I guess a warm and inviting home were incubating :)) Anyway, so now I don’t care if my house is messy or dirty or clean or what — it is inviting all over the place :) As it turns out, it wasn’t the objective “messiness” or not of my home — it was an inner acceptance that I couldn’t find or manifest.
Now, me. I have been being a watered down and censored version of myself, a sterile me, with hopes of being inviting. Living with this wild hair for a week (think white person afro/Einstein), shamelessly untamed and exquisitely vulnerable-leaving for me… well, it has been a daring test of acceptance in the world, as I have ventured out to run various errands. And I was constantly reminded that people were much more comfortable with me if I was okay with myself. If my head was high and I bore the stride and smile of someone warm and confident, people were at ease. And the ones who didn’t get it would never get it, and I didn’t need them to. Because if I am good, then I am good. That’s as good as it gets!
So, I have realized that this sterile version of me who is nice and appropriate and genteel and ordinary and not-drawing-attention-to-myself is… the cause of my own dis-ease. Fuggetaboutit. If I am going to REALLY be warm and inviting of people, I need to be accented with humannness and warmth, and the rest will rush and flow!!!!
Of course I have not been able to accept myself. I haven’t been BEing myself. I have been trying to be what others want me to be. I have been trying to be peaceful and likeable and subtle. I am loud and vibrant and bold and brilliant.
As I am writing this, I am remembering why I tempered all of that… I didn’t know how to be warm and kind and connective during it. YAY for being able to shake off outdated fears about offending people in a bad way.YAY for knowing that if I am living aligned with my truth that if I do offend anyone, that’s only because of their own journey, not because of mine. I am finally confident in what I stand for (mostly that I am okay with being bold and making “mistakes”), and I am finally ready to plant and grow the seeds of substance that I have been collecting throughout my life. I’m ready to grow and live in this garden of self and life. Indeed, I am bursting with liberation and freedom and exploration and adventure. What a limitless opportunity to create!
I am just shaking with excitement about the self-acceptance I will feel from living boldly by my self-formulated truths, from creating and crafting and growing and changing and bursting over and over! I am thrilled to be ready to leave begging-for-your-acceptance-relationships where they are so I can spend my energy barefoot dancing… and knowing deep down that this is actually the key to getting their acceptance, because they love me and when I am loving myself, they won’t be able to resist me! I am going to start doing so many things. I am finally ready to marry myself, to commit to honor and love myself forever through everything, regardless. Honor myself? Wow. That’s a biggy, right? What would honoring myself look like? Maybe this blog post is more about honoring myself than accepting myself (which was rooted in The Work)? It is easy for me to honor others, but I have yet to shine that mirror onto myself <3 I’ll let you know how that goes :)))
I am finally ready to throw caution into the wind and live wildly and beautifully and unsafely. Who wants to live in ideal condition forever? Oh, not me.
“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body,but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming — WOW– What a Ride!”
Yeh, that sounds like current me. I am a wild woman.
And I have been thinking about changing my name legally to “wild artful tribal zen” hahahaha Who knows if that will come to be, but it seems to suite me so perfectly. And then my name would be wild zen. Okay, well, it is going to be on facebook. Gonna go change that asap. Who cares about long-lost friends being able to find me? LOL
Alright, enough of this train of thought here :)) I will probably be back with some more refined version at a later date :)))
As far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to help. I was a child advocate for Greenpeace and a vegetarian for about half of my pre-mom life. I worked with people with developmental disabilities for 7 years (until I had Noble and just couldn’t bear to leave him). I have formally educated myself and informally grown with the intention of being the best me I can be to give my best to the world. I had the oddest experience when I was about 22 that opened my heart to what I feel is my calling. I feel like it is my calling to be a guru.
A guru you may ask? Believe me, no one questions my ability to be a guru more than I do. I have these doubts about my knowledge and about my leaderships skills and about my ability to really offer something useful to people and about my own ability to live all that I value in a way that I see the ideal of a guru doing.
And then… I grow a bit more in my love of myself as I am, and I think that people could use a bit of that. And I think about how women have shared with me that I have inspired them, and I realize that maybe I don’t need to appeal to *everyone* to be a guru. I think about how some of the most influential people in the history of my life have been interestingly flawed, encouragingly real, and deeply vulnerable, and I think “Hey, I have lots of that!” I realize that some of the reasons why stuff people have written or said touched me was because the originator had a way of connecting with people in a way that touched them, and I know that I have that. I think of people like Gandhi and Mother Teresa and so many more, and realize the biggest thing they have in common is living boldly by their self-formulated truths, and I think I can get in that flow. And I think what could people use more of in their lives, and I look at my life, and I look at the recent pieces I have put together to find my own peace, and I realize I think I have plenty to offer <3
So, what is a guru? Well, whilst writing that last paragraph, I did a search and found the wikipedia definition and examples. Have I mentioned before just how much I love wikipedia? Community-created anything is my favorite, and it always offers so much more than just a definition. So, here are some bits that stood out to me on that page (bold = mine):
…refer to a wise and knowledgeable figure who can guide and shed light in the time of need
As an adjective, it means ‘heavy,’ or ‘weighty,’ in the sense of “heavy with knowledge,”[3] heavy with spiritual wisdom,[4] “heavy with spiritual weight,”[5] “heavy with the good qualities of scriptures and realization,”[6] or “heavy with a wealth of knowledge.”[7] The word has its roots in the Sanskrit gri (to invoke, or to praise), and may have a connection to the word gur, meaning ‘to raise, lift up, or to make an effort’.[8]
Another etymology of the word “guru” found in the Guru Gita, includes gu as “beyond the qualities” and ru as “devoid of form”, stating that “He who bestows that nature which transcend the qualities is said to be guru”.
In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna speaks to Arjuna of the importance of finding a guru: Acquire the transcendental knowledge from a Self-realized master by humble reverence, by sincere inquiry, and by service. The wise ones who have realized the Truth will impart the Knowledge to you.
Alright, so that is the extent I will research the meaning of “guru”, because I am going to explore the essence and put my personal spin on it (every sect needs an individual philosophy, right?).
It seems to me that the essence of a guru is one who has done a lot of work to attain something that they want to share with people who want to follow, with the goal of them finding their own transcendence from the wisdom.
I don’t think a guru is someone who is “complete” or “finished” or “perfect”, but someone who has come far enough to have attained something they want to share. I do feel a spiritual and sacred reverence for the word guru and the role that comes with it. For me, “guru” has a “higher self” implication, like self-love and self-purpose and meaning and other deep and foundational parts to being whole.
Most importantly, being a guru, to me, doesn’t mean I am “better” than anyone, which is what has stopped me the most in my comfort with identifying as a guru. I know I am not better than anyone, and I didn’t think I was ready to identify as a guru because I knew I wasn’t. And, as it turns out, I wasn’t supposed to feel better. I was supposed to be aware of what I had to offer. Being a guru, to me, means only that I have something to offer that I have worked very hard to attain for myself.
I think that the essence of my guru philosophy is self trust, through vulnerability, strength, self-guided learning and living, leaning into and releasing anxiety and discomfort, feeling, healing, connection, realness, growth, impermanence… I think my gift to the world is just me, in all the perfect imperfection of who I am today, who I was 10 years ago, who I will be in another 10 years. Me, with my big mama body (not after losing 40 or so pounds), with my broken-toothed radiating smile, with my afro-style too-short hair, with my rough and tumbly family sometimes, with my messy home, with my social anxieties that can cripple me. Just me. All of me. If I can accept me as I am, I know that you can lean into accepting you as you are, regardless. I know reading that may caused a swell of “except”s, “but”s, and “besides”s… We have time <3
And, for me, I think my true guru style is one of co-guru-ness (like my completely made up word?). In offering my truth to you on a very personal and connective way, you offer me your truth and I grow and learn and love better, too.
So, I am going to get settled in my new identity, and hopefully, it will shine through my big surprise tomorrow <3
As I am purging my life (and specifically my internet life), I have been playing with a thought that basically comes down to this: how much is too much?
When I’m filing away emails or bits of info for later, because I don’t have time right now to process it, it feels like too much for me.
When it takes longer to update myself on my internet life than it does to nurse my babies in the morning, it is too much for me.
When I am losing out on sleep because I am up late reading on the internet (to keep up-to-date, not those awesome inspiration-driven rabbit holes we sometimes find ourselves in), it feels like too much for me.
When I am a part of groups or projects that I don’t have time to grow (or the growing of them takes away from my basic prioreties), it feels like too much for me.
I posted something before called Space is Grace, and it has been surfacing for me recently. I want to have a nice open relationship with space. Feng shui is very important for me. And I am talking about space in the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual areas.
In my home, space looks like less furniture, less stuff, less things on walls.
Mentally, space looks like nothing to read or do while I am laying my babies down to nurse and help them sleep.
Emotionally, space means taking the time (having the time) to notice something inside is amiss and taking (having) the time to just sit with it, to feel, to explore.
Spiritual space, for me, means not having all the answers, and having plenty of room to dance to the music I am listening to at the moment.
This is the very long, raw, uncensored story of the birth of my 3rd child. This is cut and pasted from another venue, so if something doesn’t make sense, please ask for clarification…
I’m starting with “The Impact of Najaia’s Birth”, because it was what I wrote first… Creating a Legacy: Najaia’s Birth (2nd Edition)
I wrote a version of Najaia’s birth the morning after she was born, and I am glad that I have it, but it was a part of a process of the birth, so the one I want to share now will include parts of that one that are relevant, but a more current understanding of her birth experience and how it has impacted me. Part of the process of her birth was learning just how much before and after the birth are parts of the birth experience, too. Birth is so much more than just a physical act of bringing a baby into the world. This is my third child, but I have learned so much from this experience, it’s hard to find the words… but I will try
This experience was more than just birth to me; it was life. It was the creation of a legacy of self-trust for my family, and it was raw and wild and real–it wasn’t the spiritual Zen experience, channeling birth goddesses and ancient ancestors, that I had hoped (although, apparently, it looked like it from the outside); it was a manifestation of real life: “the blood, the shit, the pain, the ecstasy, the sweetness, the glory” (excerpt from the poem, “I Am” by a freebirth sister on unassistedbirth.com). Each of those are so symbolic to this birth, and combined they tell a story:
The blood, to me, was the large amount of blood that I lost after the birth but trusted that I was fine concerning, and also the blood clots that I passed after birth that symbolize, to me, uncertainty and interdependence [I had thought they were the placenta coming out in pieces, so we called Kim, a fellow freebirth sister, and asked her what she thought I could do to get the placenta out–just to be clear, I was not concerned about the placenta coming out in pieces, but I just desired some added support on how to get it all out, but found out they were not the placenta but were blood clots, which I had been unaware of]–uncertainty and interdependence are indicative of life and I embrace them in a freebirth, especially because people think the only way to have a safe freebirth is if you know everything possible–it’s a little more realistic to not know everything, and I have found that is okay. The shit was SO raw, the raw part of life and birth–I was scared to “poop” while I was pushing (oh-so modest me) but overcame that QUICKLY (I laughed in the tub thinking how much I could care less about the shit, and I still laugh thinking about how embarrassed I thought I would be but how I ended up really feeling), and it was also the reason Kass changed her mind about climbing into the pool with me during the actual birth LOL. The pain–OH, I cannot express the pain that I was in, that I was not expecting, and what it meant, but I will get back to that. The ecstasy… I had a few contractions that were almost orgasmic, and I could TOTALLY see how birth could be orgasmic; it was amazing. The sweetness–well, she is sleeping on my lap nursing while I type this <3 And the glory was the moment she was born, the moment I had given birth, and it is the power and the legacy of this birth.
This birth was empowering beyond measure (I keep realizing how deeply I was impacted by it), humbling, amazing, “no big deal”, momentarily scary, extremely challenging, and (the part I missed in the first edition of this) so very sacred. There was so much more pain than I had anticipated, and it had left me feeling, afterward, like I hadn’t “done as good” as I could have (1st edition), but I am over that now (2nd edition). I understand that there was SO much residual stuff, from the hardships and challenges in this pregnancy that I thought I was over but came up during the birth process, and I am actually proud of myself for how well I rose to the occasion over and over–from the mental workout of psyching myself through every single contraction, to tapping into my body to know what was happening and what I needed to do, and being able to still work at comforting my kids’ possible fears in between contractions. I fuckin’ rock, and at one point I told myself that a few times in between contractions The pain could have easily been more than I could handle, but I kept myself in alignment with my goals, and I am so proud of myself for that. I know why I had the pain–the push of wanting to give birth (I’d been in labor long enough, I wanted it to be time, so I mentally was pushing it) and the pull of not being ready (that residual stuff I was talking about earlier combined with the fear of more of the pain I was experiencing).
So, the experience was VERY mental and VERY physical. It really did hurt so bad (some people may say “duh” when they read this, but my labor and birth with Kassidy did not hurt at all–in fact, when Kass’ head was half-way out of me, I turned to my mom and said, “This is not as bad as they said it was going to be.”–I REALLY had anticipated and realistically could have expected no pain), and with every contraction I was processing a new issue–I couldn’t seem to get out of my head! It was very frustrating, which added to the stress and compounded the pain… not a good combination. It was challenging doing all that mental work and physically processing, too, during every contraction. I had chunks of contractions where I was at peace and it showed. Some contractions hurt a lot more than others; some you’d never know outwardly that I was having a contraction because it was so dealable. It wasn’t always the intensity of the contraction that determined how I could handle it; oftentimes it was just how clear my head was, which was usually hard to duplicate, and I never knew what to expect with the next one nor what direction it would take. (No wonder, combined with lack of sleep, after she was born it felt like a dream and actually took days for reality to settle in–I’d used everything I had and had nothing on reserves!) Another reason I am impressed with myself is that even with how mentally and emotionally vulnerable I was, when I was trying to figure out why I felt like I wasn’t dilating that last bit, I had a moment where my mind suggested maybe she was transverse, but I was able to tune-in to my body and know that wasn’t true, feel my belly and prove it, and be reassured that it was safe to trust my body and our journey. I never worried (or really even questioned) whether I could do this or if something was wrong–I am impressed with that fact, now that I realize those were/are people’s biggest fears about freebirth. Some mamas have called me a birthing goddess–I am OH-so flattered by that!!!! But I am not a goddess (it was my aspiration with my spiritual Zen hopes)–I am a human, and I understand why they say the gods envy us. This experience was something very mortal, which made it as empowering and impactful as it was.
A couple months ago, I had a very premature “reflection” of my freebirth: Part of me wants to exclaim, “I did it! I did it! I did it!” Another part wants to say, “Of course you did.” It is a dichotomy I have been very much feeling since Najaia’s birth. Some times or days I feel like I am just a fuckin’ freebirthin’ rockin’ mama… and some times or days it has felt so common and normal. I guess the part that feels so exhilarating is contextual: being able to get past that fear and mistrust this society embeds in us. Some of the cool stuff is stuff I would have done regardless of my “assistance status”, like the work, the processing, the listening to my body for direction and position… but the parts that were uniquely freebirth, like not knowing at any time how dilated I was and not having someone to tell me when I “could” push–they feel SO empowering to me (I LOVE LOVE LOVE that I was able to just BE with those parts of my labor, even if at some times I thought it could have been easier if someone had been able to just tell me), and yet, in another society, in another era, in another life, isn’t that just normal? Although I totally see how any woman is capable of freebirth, I completely understand that it is not for everyone, especially with the norm in this country of not trusting oneself (or Mother Nature) and of relying on external experts (I have dubbed myself an “inpert” since my first draft of this birth story, btw . Freebirth is not something that I did–it’s a bright red screaming thread in a tapestry I am weaving for my family and generations to come, a legacy of self-trust that I want to live and embed in my children (especially my future-birthing daughters). Freebirth was not the fairy tale I had dreamed it would be–it was hard, it was challenging, it was do-able… and I feel strong(er) because of it.
Since Najaia’s birth, I have felt a calling toward really being a freebirth advocate, and I am doing it through raising awareness–I love telling people about it, love knowing that I am “living proof” that this is a real, viable option for women and something they may want to consider (not that they HAVE to, but that they can), and I hope that I can help make a difference in a woman’s birth experience by sharing this, the way some very special mamas made this a reality in my life by sharing with me.
For the past few weeks, I keep having this clip from a song from the movie Brother Bear stuck in my head: “This has to be the most beautiful, the most peaceful place, I’ve ever been to. It’s nothing like I’ve ever seen before… When I think about how far I’ve come, I can’t believe it…but I see it.” I woke up with that in my mind the early morning after Najaia’s birth, when I was looking at my 3 sleeping children in my bed. Wow… There were all these things that I had wondered about and looked forward to, during my pregnancy, and now they are happening, and it is just surreal. I am in awe, just stuck in the moment and in love with the big picture, thinking, “This is my life.” This is such a beautiful amazing adventure. It is a kind of peculiar relief that my family is complete–like now the real adventure begins! I have this darling little baby and my amazing toddler and my spunky pre-teen (she just informed us last night that this is what she is, at age 10). We are a rad family Life is good stuff. My body feels amazing–funny what “losing” 20+ pounds overnight does for one’s energy level and such. Noble and I went to the park yesterday (Najaia was in the sling I made for her the night before), and we just played and had fun, and I feel like I can be the mama I want to be now–now that I am not big pregnant in the middle of a heat wave. It feels like a whole new lease on life, though! I can get my house done, and I can get us out of the house to do things exciting! I am just so excited that I can finally participate in life, rather than be looking forward to it I feel like my body is my own, because I am not having anymore babies. I am grateful for all the parenting and sustainability research I did, because I am ready to live it. I gave birth to Najaia, but I feel like I gave new birth to me, too. I am on a freebirthin’ mama high!
Now the actual story: My birth story actually starts years before. I had my daughter when I was 20, and I didn’t feel ready at that time to have a homebirth (honestly, I just hadn’t explored it enough, and couldn’t afford a midwife), but I knew that I wanted to have one later. With my son, we lived in an apartment, and I was afraid of the sound factor (if I knew how AMAZING a homebirth was, I wouldn’t have worried about that fact, but also, once again, we couldn’t have afforded a midwife). When I got pregnant with my 3rd and last child, I knew this had to be a homebirth…. but, again, I could not afford a midwife. I had heard of unassisted childbirth (UC), and although it felt like something I could embrace as a birth option, I just couldn’t imagine it for myself. However, when I found that I could not afford a midwife, a friend (celticreverie) mentioned it, and in explaining why I didn’t feel comfortable with it (mostly, that I needed someone to lean on during the birth, that I was not concerned about problems because I knew my body grew and birthed healthy babies), I realized that I was much more okay with it than I had originally thought. I started doing some research on it, and I realized the potential for empowerment that it held [in fact, anyone who has read The Continuum Concept–I just realized that it ended up feeling like I was fulfilling my “continuum” and continuing to develop healthfully–gawd, I wish I had done this sooner]. Not only did I find the empowerment aspect of it, but I first learned just how safe and responsible it was. In fact, I fully believe that it is the safest option for normal birth, because without some “expert” in the room, the mother assumes her rightful role as expert of her bosy and birth, and can fully atune herself to her body and her baby and their birth path. So, I planned an unassisted home birth in water for this birth. (I also had planned on having a waterbirth for both of my children and was unable to for whatever reason, so I was determined with this one to have my water.)
On Wednesday, September 2nd, I started feeling contractions, but I didn’t realize they were contractions (just that I felt pressure in my pelvis/cervix) until that night when I was posting something on CafeMom, titled “Not-quite Contractions”. I’d probably had about 10 of them throughout the day, but it was during that post that I decided to feel my belly and realized that it was rock-hard: a contraction! I texted my friend, Sandy (who I had met here on CafeMom about 2 years prior to this birth and my sister, who were both going to attend the birth, just to let them know I was aving contractions and would let them know in the morning how I felt. I went to sleep that night expecting to labor all the next day and give birth that night, like had happened with my previous birth. I felt the contractions through the night while I dreamt of being wrapped in the blessings and love of the mamas I have grown so close to, from the CafeMom “group” I started, The Radical Mamas’ Tribe–we call it the Tribe, and that is where/how I had met and knew Sandy (she had come down to visit a couple times before the birth).
I woke up the next morning (Thursday, Sept 3) still having contractions. They felt intense because there was an edge of pain in them (I think that was because they were inactive contractions), so I called Sandy and she began making the necessary arrangements to come down (it was a 3-hour drive). In the meantime, I called to check on the status of my pool I ordered over the weekend with the intention of birthing in. I had called Tuesday (the day I was supposed to have received it) and they had said it was shipped out, so I had intended to get the tracking number so I could contact Fed Ex and find out where it was to pick it up from them, but the company I ordered it from told me that it had not been shipped out yet, which meant there was NO way I was going to get it delivered that day. I became very upset and stressed out–a real mess. My contraction stalled and died down as I made arrangements and prepared for the 3 hour round-trip to go get it from their warehouse inland in the desert in the middle of a heat wave that was breaking records all over the county… ugh. We used the A/C, though, and it ended up being kind of a nice relief (I had been stressing about the kids bickering most of the day, and my brother volunteered to drive me to get the pool), but I can count on one hand how many times I had a contraction for the rest of the day and night. Sandy had shown up while we were off getting the pool, so we just took the rest of the day to enjoy each other’s company and have fun with the kids (she has a son a week younger than Noble, my 2 1/2 year old son). As the sun started to set and my conractions had not picked up, I was stating to feel very bad that I had called Sandy to come down too early, but she assured me that she was going to stay until the birth and that her husband back at home had told her the baby would not be born until the next week–SOOO not funny LOL Sandy was SO awesome–she spoiled Kass and I with home-grown sprouts (which Kass loved so much and Sandy later sent Kass a book on how to grow her own and a couple packages of starter packs!) and other raw and healthy foods She LOVES us and took such good care of us <3 I cannot begin to describe the bond I feel toward this loving *sister* I am blessed to have in my life <3 Our kids get adore each other, too <3
So, Sandy had pumped up the pool so it would ready when we were, and that night my 10-year-old daughter, Kassidy, filled it with warm water while I posted my birth affirmations around the bathroom. When the pool was done, we climbed in together and talked about birth and just connected with each other. Kass asked if she could be in the pool when I birthed Najaia and if she could cut the cord (something I was really looking forward to doing, since I hadn’t gotten to with my first 2, but felt it was more important to give that gift to Kassidy), and of course I said yes. She asked me about one of my birth affirmations, “I am creating a legacy of childbirth”, and I had the honor of explaining what a legacy is and how I was starting one (since my own mother had been intervened with until they would not give her more time to birth naturally and then conned into repeat c-sections). [An amazing part about this extraordinary bonding experience was when I realized the next day that this WAS part of that legacy ]
The next morning (Friday, Sept 4), I woke up and felt 2 really great contractions. They didn’t have that pain-edge, and I realized that they were active and that the other ones had been inactive. I was SO excited about these contractions because I could feel that they were the real deal, that they were going to do the job for me, and as I continued to have thm throughout the day (albeit few & far between), they gave me confidence in my pain-manageable birth–I was able to completely let go of my fear of pain completely (this was my biggest fear because Noble’s birth had been so painful, followed by my fear of my reservations of bringing a 3rd child into the world impacting the speed and progress of my birth, followed by my fear of people distracting me from focusing on my birth and me getting irritated and interrupting my flow, followed by my fear of pooping during pushing with my friend there and a video camera on it). By this point, my younger sister and I had talked and she realized she was not going to be able to come for the birth because of work and needing to sleep. It was just going to be me, Sandy, and the kids (my brother took off at first whiff of birth–he doesn’t handle his loved ones in pain very well at all and left when we got back with the pool to his friend’s place until the day after Najaia was born). Also, I had been losing my mucus plug for the past day or so, and I even had it on the last tissue I used befoe giving birth.
As the sun went down, the contractions had not progressed, and I was starting to stress about how anyone can give birth with a toddler (the distraction and responsibility). My house was a disaster, so I had straightened up my room then went downstairs and started doing some serious cleaning in the kitchen and living room, which REALLY kicked my contractions up. I went upstairs and nursed Noble to sleep, then cleaned my bathroom really good (I had taken the birth affirmations down earlier), emptied the pool that the boys had been playing in and out of all day, then took a shower and doned my birth garb (lol) of a white tank top and a sarrong and my BlessingWay necklace which had beena gift from my fellow Tribesisters, and then I relaxed in bed (maybe this was when I nursed Noble to sleep?). The contractions were coming really good and each contraction made me very happy I actualy even had a couple of contractions that were on the verge of being orgasmic, and I thought, “This is going to be great.” I went ahead and got up and started to re-prepare my birth shrine–I set up the birth affirmations (this time, I put one type on one wall and another type on another wall–can’t explain what the “types” were, just that there were different themes to them) and put the candles and my Gaia statue on the counter, then did a video for Najaia showing her my birth shrine, then tried to fill the pool but could not lift the heavy buckets, so I had to go wake Sandy and ask her if she could fill it (I felt bad waking her up, because it was just after midnight and the last of the kids had just fallen asleep and she had just laid down to rest her eyes, but she just jumped right up and gladly filled it). I laid back down in the bed, but it did NOT feel as comfortable this time. I struggled to get comfortable and just focus on allowing my contractions to come and open me up to birth my baby. I had my eyes closed and when I opened them I saw Sandy lighting the candles and turning off the lights She had asked me how warm I wanted the water, and we agreed she could fill it up most of the way and then once I got it, finish it off to my temperature needs (that heat wave had left me skeptical that I would want hot water). By the time I climbed in, heat sounded like it would feel good and I was having back pains (probably from all the cleaning, but I thought she was posterior, which she could have been), so Sandy poured the last few bucketfuls of hot water straight onto my back, which felt DIVINE!
In the water, I felt most comfortable sitting back on my heels with my knees spread far apart, and then I would lean forward onto my hands during a contraction and focus so much on opening up. My big thing was opening up–every visualization was about opening, and I also visualized her coming down through a turtleneck sweater (the cervix stretching). Sandy put on my CD (Ray Linch’s Deep Breakfast), and I just sat in my pool and *was* (irregular form of the verb “to be”) with my labor and impending birth. Sandy was sitting back updating our friends via Facebook with he iphone (which she had been doing since she got there and continued to do throughout the birth path). At one point during this time, I remember watching Sandy on the floor petting and just totally loving on my cat, Sabastian, who hadn’t come upstairs for weeks during the heat wave, but obviously knew something was going on–I remember watching how wonderful Sandy was with Bash and thinking I could not possibly love this woman any more than in this moment–boy, was I wrong!!! I really didn’t want to have back labor and I thought it was because she was posterior (Kass had been posterior, so I “knew” posterior baby meant back labor, and she had been posterior all through my third trimester), so Sandy rubbed some herbally-medicinal oil on my lower back, giving me a massage. I decided I wanted to get down on all fours and wiggle my butt my in the air to get her to turn so I could have a comfortable remaining labor, but since the kids were on my bed, I decided to use my brother’s (sorry, Ben LOL). I climbed up on all fours and started rolling my butt and hips around in circles, and it felt sooooooooooooo good. This was when I started having to vocalize. I ahd to go to the bathroom (which happened often), so I got up and went into my brother’s bathroom, but a contraction started (they were erratic and inconsistant through my whole labor–just like with Noble’s labor), so I just stood rolling my hips in a wide circle. As I was rolling my hips in circles, I imagined each circle sweeping around the edges of my cervix opening it wider and wider. It felt so good that after I left the bathroom, we set up the vinyl tablecloth on the floor with towels on it, and I did that and walked around in circles for quite a while. Sandy started videotaping, so we got a lot of footage of this time <3
The vocalization at this point was low groans and “hah hah hah”s and “mah mah mah”s, and at this place in my labor, I was doing it as kind of a chanting affirmation: “I want this baby, I want this baby, I want this baby” sounded like “hah hah hah hah, hah hah hah hah, hah hah hah hah”. Sandy brought me a glass of ice for my water and a tuperware of freshly cut watermelon (my favorite food–she knew this <3). She was so unobtrusive about it, too, just slipped in and made only enough sound to let me know what she had done so I could partake in it. I did the circles for a while, then went into the bathroom (my brother’s bathroom, as my toilet was inaccesable from the pool), where Bash followed me. It hurt so bad to even just try to sit down, and I had almost no breaks in between contractions, which were hurting soooo bad. I felt bad, but I was pushing Bash away–in the meantime, Sandy had come back upstairs and was looking for me (I saw this on the video LOL) and she found me and took Bash out of the room.
I went back in the room and climbed back into the tub (and wished the water could be a bit deeper so I could submerge my back). I was aware of few *times* (as in clock) during my labor, but I know it was around 4:40 when I felt like I was about 2 contractions away from being ready to push. We called a dear mutual friend of our’s from the Tribe, Stardove, who wanted to be on speakerphone when I pushed, and we woke Kass up. I had felt like I was so close to pushing, and maybe I had been, but once I was a coupe cntractions deeper I felt like I wasn’t completely-completely dilated because I didn’t feel open enough and when I tested pushing, it didn’t feel like I felt like it should. This was when the labor started to get painful and serious. Sometimes my legs were shaking, like they did when I was pushing with Noble (and probably Kass). Every contraction was a struggle between wanting to just give birth already and being afraid of having the new baby–I was having trouble surrendering, and also afraid of the pain if I surrendered because it was hurting so much already. So, for the next 2 ours-ish, I tried to visualize and complete opening up, as I rode through the very painful contractions and softly “hah hah hah” pushed when I felt compelled, to sustain me–sometimes my body felt compulsive about wanting to just clamp down and push, but the soft pushes satisfied that urge and didn’t hurt as bad as trying to actually push did. I was getting louder and louder with my vocalizations, but the boys were still sleeping not 5 feet away, so I couldn’t have been THAT loud. At one point I got very vocal and during a contraction I yelled at my cervix to open with a loud deep moan. For more depth on the mental stuff during this time, read “The Impact of Najaia’s Birth”.
As soon as Kass had woken up, I felt the need to not freak her out, to give her an experience she wouldn’t be afraid to repeat someday, so when she told me that it looked like it hurt, I explained that it was just hard work. that’s all. Also, I found myself being the comic relief at times, like once after a pretty intense “hah hah hah” contraction, I turned to Kass and said, “This is pretty funny stuff, huh?” We all laughed (even Stardove on the phone), but I couldn’t use that sound for a few more contractions, because I was afraid it would be funny and I would laugh which would hurt and I’d crack and lose it. This was also when I started feeling empowered. I was saying freebirth rocked and that I fuckin rocked I asked them to read some of the birth afirmations, and I was REALLY feeling one in particular (it was an excerpt from a poem by a fellow freebirthing sister, called, “I Am”): “the blood, the shit, the pain, the sweetness, the ecstasy, the glory” (from memory–hopefully I got them right and in the right order!). That one was SO profound for me (which I explain more of in my “Impact” part of this birth story). We videotaped part of this time, but realized we were running out of videotape, so we turned it off to save room for the actual birth. I also remember, during this time, searching my birth affirmations for some inspiration to help me through these contractions, but they were SO not applicable – hahaha. The pain felt like too much. Also, at one point, I kept feeling up inside of me to see if I could feel how dilated I was (I am SO uneducated on this–didn’t even know what was my cervix! so that didn’t help) or if I could feel the head, but I couldn’t. Se I rested my hand at the opening of my yoni and welcomed my baby to come down. I kept saying, “I welcome you.” I think it was around this time that I started to realize how contrary I was actually feeling to this, that I was actually still quite scared of bringing her into the world, so I tried to process this and work through it so I could very much welcome her into the world.
Around 6am, I was having a contraction when Sandy and I heard Kass say, “Hi, Nobi.” I freaked out in the middle of that contraction and was starting to really stress, but Kass was a PRO with him! In fact, I found peace again through chanting, “He’s fine, he’s fine, he’s fine” with “hah hah, hah hah, hah hah”s, and those were some of my easiest contractions to ride. Noble’s presence REALLY required me to “rise to the parenting occasion” to not freak him out. I smiled a lot during contractions and was very affectionate and told him I was having his baby sister (he watched birth videos with us, so I figured he knew what I meant) and invited him to join in on my “hah hah hah”s or “heh heh heh”s or whatever vowel fit. At one point during a contraction, Noble turned the volume knob on the music up REALLY loud and I couldn’t help but yelp loudly in surprise and pain (my poor ears, and my poor contraction)–he ran off down the hall and was crying My poor little dude <3 That was tied for “worst contraction” with the second half of the one when Noble woke up. I was alright, though… we all were. When I got up again to stand and roll my hips in circles (I was getting desperate for my cervix to finish opening, so I could birth already), I asked him if he wanted to dance with me.
I can’t remember if I got back into the pool again and was just so miserable, but I hit a point where I was tired of the painful contractions and just wanted to be done. I climbed up on the bed and did the all-fours booty wiggle, begging the baby to roll over. Noble climbed up onto the bed next to me wanting to nurse! Then I got back into the pool, and either shortly after or immediately decided to start pushing. Part of me felt like I wasn’t all the way dilated, but a bigger part felt like I was far enough and didn’t care at that point. The first couple pushes HURT (I was probably forcing the last of my cervix to open or get out of the way), but the pushing felt GREAT and soooooo right (after those first couple). Around this time, Sandy’s son, Eli, woke up, and so the boys were off playing, requiring Sandy and often Kassidy, so I was mostly pushing alone. It took a few contractions before I felt the head move down into the birth canal, and I yelled, “Head!” Sandy and Kass came running over and I think I told them it wasn’t out yet, that I had just felt it inside of me (the reason I say I “think” is because Stardove did not hear me say anything–she thought the head was out and panicked a bit when she wasn’t born in the next couple minutes… Yes, Stardove had remained on the phone for the whole 2 hours!!!!!). Pushing is the best part of labor–you can do something with the energy inside of you (channel it), the time in-between contractions is a real break, and it means it is almost time to hold your baby! Also, for me, it meant being totally out of my head (I had been mentally processing stuff I can’t quite put into words with each contraction–more details in my “Impact” part).
During this time, I kept feeling for the baby’s head, and the first time I felt it was absolutely amazing!!!! I called for Sandy and Kass, and Sandy went to get the camera. Kass was standing there smiling so big. I couldn’t take my hands off her head–I felt something on it and was trying to figure out what it was… “HAIR! She has hair! Oh my god, she has a LOT of hair!!!” Kass got very excited about this, and I asked if she wanted to feel. She looked at the condition of the water (remember my fear about pooping in the water, well I got over that fear fast) and said she would wait–hahaha. I couldn’t stop feeling the baby’s hair It was time to push again, and Sandy was there with the camera. Kass was trying to work the video camera (Sandy helped her set it up). It was still pretty dark in the enclosed bathroom and Kass was telling Sandy to take more pics because the flash helped the videocamera to see. I pushed hard to get the head out, and I was rubbing and stretching out my yoni so that I wouldn’t tear. It seemed like I sat there for a long time with the head out–Sandy was taking a ton of pics. And then it was time to push again, and I pushed HARD to get the body out. She floated up face-down. I caught her, turned her over, and pulled her up to me. She was born at 7:01am.
[The afterbirth parts may be slightly out of order.] As soon as I looked in her eyes, I thought how gorgeous they were and the name Kadara jumped out at me, but I pushed it away because I don’t want it to be her first name, but her middle–this all took a split second. I was immediately amazed with how beautiful she was (funny how amazing it is to finally see what she looks like after wondering for so long, you know?). We called for Noble and told him that he had a baby sister–he wanted to climb into the pool with me, and I did’t deny him. I kept commenting on the fact that she had so much hair. Kass was amazed by the birth and said something like, “You just had a baby, and all you can talk about is her having hair?” (Both my babies were bald, so this was amazing to me!) Noble had taken off his diaper and climbed into the pool, and Kass was crying in amazement, saying this was the happiest she had ever been in her life. Someone handed me the blanket I had set aside to wrap her in, and I remmbered we needed to sterilize the scissors to cut the cord, so I asked Sandy if she wouldn’t mind doing that. Noble and I marvelled at her up close, and Kass from a short distance. I told Noble that she came out of my yoni, and a little bit later he asked if we could put her back–it was so funny because that is such a typical older sibling question, even if he meant it more factually than that he was sick of her and wanted her to go back now.
I was having some cramps and the urge to push, but when I pushed the cord was still going up inside of me. I pushed about 3 times. I asked Sandy to call a fellow freebirthing friend of our’s from the Tribe, because I thought it was the placenta coming out in pieces, and so I wanted some ideas from her as to what I could do to make sure and get all of the pieces out (I was not worried about it being in pieces, because it was only a problem if all the pieces didn’t come out), especially the piece where the cord was attached! Kim suggested that it wasn’t the placenta coming out in pieces but blood clots–they were VERY large blood clots and lots of them, but they came out. Sandy and Kim somehow got disconnected, but I was okay. I laid in the pool with Najaia for ahile waiting for the placenta to come out and dozing off between those painful freakin afterpains–it hurt to try to sit up, so we just laid there and rested. At some point, we called my mom to tell her the baby was born. At about 8:00, we decided to go ahead and cut the cord. We tied it off with a string MB (a fellow Tribesister) had sent for another purpose for Najaia, but I hadn’t gotten it in time, and then Sandy shielded Najaia’s skin while Kass cut the cord At this point, I was ready to get out of the water.
Kass grabbed a new, dry blanket for the baby, and I handed Najaia to Kass, who had wanted to be the second one to hold her, while I climbed into the shower. Once in the shower, I gave a tiny push and the placenta fell out. Kass got me a bag to put it in. I washed up in the shower, got out and got dressed, and climbed into bed. Sandy was holding the baby, so I took the opportunity to nurse Noble, who fell asleep immediately. I then scooted Noble over, got Najaia back from Sandy, and nursed her. We both dozed off for a few minutes. My mom showed up with delicious food for everyone. Life felt unreal at that point–between the lack of sleep, hard work, adrenaline and hormones and goodness-knows what else… I can’t remember the details of the rest of the day, but I was awake for most of the day during visits and also slept during some of those same visits. I cannot begin to express how supported I was during this birth and shortly thereafter (in no particular order, except the first 2):
Sandy, foremost, who put her life on hold, drove 3 hours to me, pampered me with amazing food and even better companionship <3, and was prepared to keep her life on hold and patiently wait for Najaia’s birth. She was the perfect birth companion–completely unobtrusive, perfectly responsive, helpful in all the right ways, and documented most of the labor and got the most amazing pics of the delivery and afterward. She emptied the tub and tidied up and brought me some laundry soap. Even though she was EXHAUSTED, she waited until Annette came before she left. She is beyond amazing! Every moment I just kept thinking, I love you more than I did a moment ago <3 My mom used to ask us, when we were kids, “Have I told you recently how much I love you?” Every time I was overwhelmed with love and thankfulness for her, I asked her this (even after she had left and I couldn’t stop thinking about her).
Kass ROCKS! She was so amazing to bond with during this time, and I am SO grateful at how voluntarily helpful she was (filling the tub, helping with Noble when I woke up, holding the baby whenever I needed to get up and do something).
Stardove stayed on the phone for over 2 hours listening to my birth experience. She also kept the Tribe updated on the details for days, by stalking Sandy’s Facebook account. During those days, she was so excited that she attached her laptop to her hip, stayed up until she couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore, and waited with baited breath <3
Many Tribesisters were stalking the posts, sending Blessings and energy through various forms, and pasted poems for her birth <3 So much love <3
Karina got me the gas cards so I could go get my pool and a card signed by loved ones at my old school (even went to 3 different stores to find a card with a mixed baby on it), and came over the day of her birth and helped and stuck around and talked <3
My mom brought us all crepes for breakfast (along with food for the fridge for later) and posted a very sweet status message on MySpace about having an abnormally darling new granddaughter.
My sister came over and brought food for us to eat later and yummies for the time Her boyfriend took Noble outside to play for a while, so he could get some energy out and fresh air and such.
Annette came over for a few hours, and we talked for a little while, and then I got some rest.
I wrote this on another blog I had started, many moons ago. Since this blog is now going to be whole, representing all of me and all of my life, I wanted to share it with you here. This was the description about me on the blog: “I have been on a journey of self for as long as I can remember. I grew up with a nature-oriented, female-empowered mother. I took a detour. This blog is my journey back home.”
Here is the header I used for the blog — I am so proud of it, so beautiful.
Unfortunately, since I first wrote this entry, I neglected the blog the same way I neglected reading more of the book. I look forward to growing a place in my life to read more of the book… Enjoy <3 The remaining is my blog post from that blog:
So, I started reading the book “Women Who Run With Wolves: Myths and stories of the wild woman archetype”, by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph. D.
I feel a stirring inside me. This book speaks to the depths of me, the parts of me that long to rise and run free. I have been so domesticated, so civilized, to the expense of my self. She talks about times when we experience the wild woman archetype, maybe during pregnancy or nursing one’s young, attending to a love relationship, sights of great natural beauty, the sound of music that vibrates the sternum and excites the heart, or a word or poem or story. She calls them “tastes of the wild”. Ohhhh, have I had those tastes, and recently, they have left me longing for the whole meal, the lifestyle, the tribe of wild-hearted kindreds.
“The longing for her comes when one happens across someone who has secured this wildish relationship. The longing comes when one realizes one has given scant time to the mystic cookfire or to the dreamtime, too little time to one’s own creative life, one’s life work or one’s true loves.”
She writes, “When women are with the Wild Woman, the fact of that relationship glows through them.” Mmmmm, I’ve felt that. I’ve had days when I felt that glow (today, in fact, and it’s no coincidence — I started reading this book yesterday). Have you seen those woman? The ones who glow and seduce your soul with their allure… The ones who attract equally powerful people into their space or repel some away in fear of her power and beauty.
The author seduces me with words like “soultalk” and “soulfooting”, and talks about “our inner rhythms”.
She talks about the wild woman archetype being similar to wolves:
“Healthy wolves and healthy women share certain psychic characteristics: keen sensing, playful spirit, and a heightened capacity for devotion. Wolves and women are relational by nature, inquiring, possessed of great endurance and strength. They are deeply intuitive, intensely concerned with their young, their mate and their pack. They are experienced in adapting to constantly changing circumstances; they are fiercely stalwart and very brave.”
And they get a bad reputation for their wildness, but wild is really just scary to some because it cannot be controlled — wild has it’s own rules and balances that control cannot dictate. That’s why it is scary to some and deeply appealing to others. The author writes, “… the word wild is not used in it’s modern pejorative sense, meaning out of control, but in it’s original sense, which means to live a natural life, one is which the criatura, creature, has innate integrity and healthy boundaries.”
So, I am feeling very in tune with wolves, and I love that they have a deep relationship with the moon, as I am feeling more connected to her, too. Growing up in an earthy spirituality, it was the wildness that appealed to me, that has called to me since I left, that I long for now. Some stuff does not appeal to me about religion, even the religious aspects of earthy cultures (like hierarchies and some ceremonial stuff), but I feel very connected to a lot of the spiritual aspects, especially the stuff surrounding the power and seduction and freedom of the wild woman archetype. I very much look forward to reconnecting with it. I very much look forward to letting go of some outdated views about myself and gunk that I have been carrying around for far too long. I am ready to sit with the gods and create myself, through digging real deep and releasing the wild woman within.
Yesterday, I was a sewin’ fool! I made some long-awaited curtains for my room — well, not THAT long awaited, but when I came up with such a soul-burstingly great idea, it has felt like a long time to have to wait. The sun comes through this window in the morning, and it is one of the things I really look forward to in the mornings. I have never been a sun-worshipper before. I have reveled in the moon, in night, darkness, and cold. I think I got my fill this winter, and with Yule, I have been calling the sun back into my life. So, here they are, to celebrate the returning sun in my window and on the earth and in my life…
They were made from about 10 different batik fabrics, picked because they are my favorites, and because I just knew they would look like stained glass in the window in the mornings. I was right :)) They do. I had turned on the Beatles in my iTunes and got busy. I ended up putting the following song on repeat toward the end, because it was just too perfect to do otherwise. Can you see why I picked that song? Can you imagine how I felt making these? No frustration, just all smiles, even when I hit a snag in my first-attempt-to-ever-design-and-make-curtains experience :) It was amazing <3 I am so in love with these curtains — I can see us growing old together. I have never felt that way about anything before, ever — never even thought about that before. These curtains are so special <3
I have this picture of how I would write this. “Wild” would be written long and raw, like blades of wheat extending into the sky for freedom and adventure; the bottoms of the W would extend lower than the “ild”, and “zen” would be written much smaller and squatter and intentionally, under the “ild” — a part of the concept, a place close to the earth, a haven to return to when wild has stretched so far it needs to sink and melt down deep for nourishment and rejuvination.
Wild is earthy and growth and movement. Zen is content with what is, tranquility of being, the essence of beautiful, thoughtful minimalism.
Wild is waves of an ocean at a thriving and exciting shore. Zen is a still lake, deep and contemplative.
Wild is the Amazon jungle, verdant and thriving and rich and dangerous. Zen is a garden with a quarter of small soft rocks, a quarter of soft-sifting sand, a quarter of water, and a quarter of easily-upkept plants, scattered with spots perfect for meditating.
Each of these are a part of me, inside, outside, home, world. They seem like opposites, but really they are two sides of one coin and share so many commonalities, like residing in and coming from nature, being full of nourishment, soaring with spirituality, experienced in solitude or tribally, self-directed.
I am really loving this new name. It very much appeals to my Libra rising (balance), as well as my Pisces sun (soulful), and my Taurus moon (earth-oriented). Let’s see how long it sits with me :)
I was the kid who never questioned why my parents divorced, or ever wondered why they couldn’t be together. I knew. I couldn’t imagine my parents together — they were so different. For example, my mom was a tree-hugging dirt worshipper (she practiced Witchcraft), and my dad was a Pentecostal preacher. My mom didn’t tell me, for many years, about her faith (for fears concerning custody with my dad). I just knew that she kindly declined going to church, even though my stepmom told me how important it was to get her to go. Witchcraft and other Pagan beliefs are so different in that aspect — don’t find too many Pagan missionaries :)) Well, my mom finally told me everything she had been holding on to the year I came home from my dad’s talking about how evil gay people were, that they were going to hell — repeating what I’d heard in a recent sermon by my dad. My mom and I had a long good talk then :) It changed my life. But it didn’t change my dad’s stance on my attending church — he made me and my siblings go every Sunday, regardless. Regardless of the fact that he knew it was not MY church — my faith was different. I built up a very strong resentment of going to church — so much so that I started not even wanting to visit my dad, or planning my visits to avoid Sundays. At one point I remember thinking to myself, “If I don’t want to be here, what does he REALLY think I am going to get out of this?”
It wasn’t until recently that I realized just how much my identity is based upon not being a church-goer. Although I don’t identify as the anti-Christian I once did, I have to admit that I have grown fond of the quiet Sunday mornings in the city. I expect stores and restaurants to be less crowded, and I don’t own any clothes that could pass as “Sunday best”. I know my daughter’s friends won’t be knocking on my door or ringing my doorbell until well after noon on Sundays. The only regular thing we do (so far) on a certain day of the week is our radical unschooling parkday, which, I assure you, looks nothing like a church sermon LOL It goes even deeper, but I can’t find the words to explain how far-removed I am from the ritual of Sunday church.
So, what, you may ask, could draw me out of this long-held, very comfortable place? Unitarian Universalist. My family has been drawn toward wanting some spiritual growth in life, as well as community. I first heard of UU from a dear atheist liberal friend, who could not say enough wonderful things about it. I had heard there was one about 30 minutes or so from us, and I kept wanting to check it out, but I knew I couldn’t commit to such a long drive every week. Then a friend told me there was one in my neighboring city. Well, after my Goddess awakening, I looked into it. I devoured their website. Things like this:
Unitarian Universalism is a caring, open-minded religion that encourages you to seek your own spiritual path. Our Faith draws on many religious traditions, welcoming people with different beliefs. We are united by shared values, not by creed or dogma. Our congregations are places where people gather to nurture their spirits and put their faith into action by helping to make our communities—and the world—a better place.
Unitarian Universalists (UUs) are committed not only to spiritual growth and transformation but also to involvement in the world. Social justice, sustainable living, ethical treatment of animals are just a few of things we work toward.
You can see how this fits into my values… So, after devouring the website, I knew that this place held my ideals, and I looked forward to going to the church to see how it felt in person. Honestly, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to stomach the “church”-likeness of it. But the rituals felt so earth- and natural-centered. And they took long pauses in between the “God-free” wisdom the minister (a woman with at least one tattoo) shared about the cycle of life (entitled “New Beginnings”, and concluding a 2-part piece — the 1st half entitled “Letting Go”). And people said “Namaste” and “Blessed be”. They sat with their hands in the OM position to soak in the words and the silence. These were my people! I felt so at home, tears, literally, filled my eyes. Home? Church? Yes… I saw people who looked like me and knew I wasn’t different, that my kids weren’t going to be different for their non-Christian, but spiritual beliefs. My oldest could sort out her own path of believing in a God bt not quite feeling like Christianity was the right fit for her.
I want to conclude with a song that we sang, an affirmation that I want to revisit very often (maybe every day?)…
Paradoxically, this has felt externally less like the time of winter holidays, and inside, I have been extremely symbolic of them: the extra rest and inner workings of a winter Mother Earth, and crafting up a gift-giving storm and knowing that love, joy, and holiday traditions are the best gifts I can give my kids and my loved ones :)
For this holiday season, we have gotten puppies, bought a tree and the stuff to handmake new decorations, got our van ready to rush up to Julian at the first sign of snow (where my son is prepared to see penguins and polar bears!), stuffed their stockings with gifts, told stories of the deep resting Mother Earth Goddess and the Sun in retreat that are Yule, caroled the Yule day away, and are planning on hosting a family after-Christmas party :)) So many wonderfully holiday-y things :)))
Yule is the day I grew up celebrating with my mom. I always loved that it was a few days before Christmas, so I got my gifts earlier than most kids :)) This year, my daughter has shown me that she is feeling a lack of spirituality in her life, and I, too, have been wanting to fill the same void. I’ve been feeling the pull back toward the Pagan faith that my mom raised me in.
I wrote this elsewhere and wanted to share:
“I have aspired to get back in touch with my spirituality for years now, and this Yule/eclipse was just what I needed (well, and some talks about faith recently :)). I feel like I am stepping into an old familiar and beautiful dress and comfortable with people seeing me in it — where it didn’t feel just right before and I was a bit embarrassed. Btw, I think the dress analogy came from feeling like I’m coming out of the closet — to the world, yes, but more importantly, to me. The Olde ways have been in my blood as far back as I can remember (my mom raised me in them), and I have been feeling drawn toward aspects of them. Now, on this path of self-designed living, I am ready to embrace the goddess’s rebirth in my life — and on the winter solstice!!!! Crazy timing :)) Reading all the Yule stories and Yule carols spoke so deeply to me. I am home ♥ The prodigal daughter :)))))”
My oldest and I enjoyed reading Yule stories about it’s roots and reason, and we enjoyed singing Yule carols (traditional songs with new lyrics) together. It was an amazing Yule, both tradition and rebirth. Since I didn’t have a lot of money to buy gifts this year, after unstuffing their stockings and opening gifts from a dear loved one, we talked about the things we would like to bring into our lives in the new year :)) That was an AWESOME new tradition :)))) I LOVE the idea of that all over the place :))
Since reading the stories of Yule, of the Mother Earth Goddess deeply slumbering in these cold darker days, I have been thinking of how symbolic that is of me (my deep dark hole of a funk I go into this time of year, until I am ready to climb out). And the God Sun retreats during this time of year. The winter solstice is the marking of the days starting to grow longer now — the Sun’s return :)) Coincidently, my son has been in retreat-mode, buried in watching TV shows on Netflix (mostly, the Backyardigans). After seeing my own symbolicalness of being the Earth Mama, it has been interesting to see my son in his own symbolicalness. And, yes, he has been coming back from retreat-mode slowly. He hasn’t even watched “a movie” today — we’ve been busy, and he’s been enjoying his new toys :)) It’s good to see more of him :)
My biggest wish for the new year is harmony in our family. My “other” big one is getting started creating our home on wheels. My daughter’s was (besides the dog she’s been begging me for, for 2 years) Littlest Pet Shop — which my brother bought her last night :)) Noble got a Spiderman action figure. And Najaia is getting a previously-owned car/bike for little ones — pics to come, I’m sure :))))))
Happy Holiday, whichever one you celebrate! And I will close with a song that I read here
SHARE THE LIGHT Tune: The First Noel
On this Winter holiday, let us stop and recall That this season is holy to one and to all. Unto some a Son is born, unto us comes a Sun, And we know, if they don’t that all paths are one.
Chorus: Share the light, share the light! Share the light, share the Light! All paths are one on this holy night!
Be it Chanukah or Yule, Christmas time or Solstice night, All celebrate the eternal light. Lighted tree or burning log, Or eight candle flames. All gods are one god, whatever their names.